2026 Special - Tina's Adventure Island 3

Wait. This is Spirited Away, isn't it?

Master Higgins has been kidnapped by invaders from another world! Taking control of his girlfriend Tina, players will have to face their toughest island adventure yet. No seriously, this threequel doesn't mess around, offering up more intense hop & throw action than ever. Now Production - makers of Adventure Island 2 - has refined their formula quite a bit. While I'd argue their previous game never felt like it was 80+ stages long, the developer thought otherwise. Each of the eight areas now has around six stages to contend with instead of nine or more. Ultimately, this was the right call. Besides the eerily similar water stages, there are far fewer repeats than before. Running out of lives and having to continue is also much less punishing.

I'm not going to get into the gameplay basics, because... well... they haven't changed in the slightest. Tina runs from left to right and jumps with the greatest of ease. The pick-up & playability is near-instantaneous, which is always important in games where the protagonist loses their life from something as inconsequential as a thrown pillow. The newest addition to Tina's repertoire is the duck. Yep, it took her three games to master the art of crouching to avoid projectiles or bash enemies low to the ground. I shouldn't be so rude to her. She's practically valedictorian compared to the likes of Mega Man. How many of his games were released until he finally realized that making himself a smaller target might result in easier robot-hunting? Fifteen!? 

Oops! There I go getting side-tracked once again. Let's just move on to the rest of the added features. The most interesting of them all is the boomerang. This is an entirely new weapon that serves as a quasi-upgrade to the hammer. "Quasi"... huh. Well, it was either this or upgrade*, because mastering the art of curved stick requires a game-long effort. At first, it sounds like nothing but advantages. Unlike hammers, boomerangs can destroy rocks. Their ability to be thrown in two different directions makes it easier to handle airborne threats. They also do double the damage. However, only one boomerang can be onscreen at a time, and waiting for it to return creates a sizable opportunity for a creature to sneak in and take the heroine's life. 

Taking into consideration its strengths and weaknesses, I believe that the boomerang is intended for use by advanced players who have already conquered the game and are looking for a new way to challenge themselves. This weapon is actually quite solid at helping its thrower maintain their momentum. Hammers are generally reserved for the cautious types who want to clear away adversaries the second they appear onscreen. Maniacs are still welcome to ignore weapons altogether and run straight for the goal. Such a task has been made even more difficult than before, so uh... good luck with it.

The dinosaurs are back! Not that I expected they'd go anywhere, but it's lovely to see them anyway. Besides allowing Tina one extra hit before disappearing, these slightly overgrown lizards have unique talents to hopefully make adventures a little easier. Some even aid with traversal, like the fire-breathing dinosaur that survives in lava and toxic marshes. However, in case anyone has already forgotten, Tina getting kicked off of her ride doesn't allow her a second of invulnerability to recover. Losing both ride and life at practically the same time is just something to be mindful of. Anyhoo, the new dinosaur has a rolling spin-attack that is performed in midair or on the ground. Hmm... there's something familiar about it... meh whatever. This dino is fine for regular stages, but its inability to bounce off of a boss after a successful rolling attack all but guarantees its extinction.

Tempting as it may be to hoard dinosaurs like so many elixirs and first-aid sprays, my suggestion is to take advantage of their abilities whenever you can. Adventure Island 3 has been balanced with the expectation that its players will be riding a dinosaur of their choosing. This can work against someone looking for a carefree time. Trying to fly a pterodactyl over very obstacle could lead to being swarmed by lightning-bolt spitting clouds. In every other case, they'll appreciate an extra set of claws. Additional dinos are more common and frequently awarded to anyone thorough enough in their search for secret eggs. Being allowed an extra hit, even with the potential drawbacks it brings with, is a massive boon. 

Like I mentioned a long, long time ago, this entry is the toughest yet. Some of the most ridiculous enemies have been toned down, and volcanoes are placed in the background instead of underfoot. This eliminates what I'd consider to be the cheaper deaths. To counter what could've been a drop in difficulty, the developers have designed stages that are tighter, more demanding, and lacking in sustenance. The food gauge / time limit is a constant factor, more than ever really. Oftentimes, you can't afford to waste a second or miss a piece of fruit. 

The meanest stages are often a series of chasms, volcanoes raining hellfire from above, and frogs. I think frogs might be the most vicious of all the creatures in this game. They always manage to be in the worst place at the worst time, waiting for their chance to strike. Seeing them in the final stage is what led me to understand that they are in fact the destroyers of worlds and shouldn't ever be underestimated.  

Boss battles have also seen a significant uptick. Gone are the large targets that merely spit a few bullets at predetermined points. Now there are patterns to learn, strategies to form, and multiple types of attacks to avoid. Just below, you'll see a giant crab with a swinging flail for a claw. This is a much more involved fight than simply "avoid that spiked ball-looking thing". Whenever it strikes, the crab will also cause iced stalactites to fall from above. If your positioning and movement isn't ideal, you could end up getting trapped by falling objects or clipped by the spinning flail. Ice physics are absolutely a factor as well. However, if you're something of a professional with the pterodactyl, you can fly in a circle and pelt the crab from above. With enough practice, you can destroy the fiend without even seeing a stalactite. 

The key point that I want to hammer home is that although this is a particularly hard entry in an already challenging series, you are never without agency. Your options are not limited to hop & throw. Dinosaur friends are plentiful, which provides numerous options for every stage and boss. The enemy pool is limited enough that it's easy to memorize what is most likely to appear in each stage. You're never blindsided by creatures appearing out of thin air. Once they're onscreen, you have choices. Bosses also have set patterns, and they become a lot easier once you notice them. Spoiler alert! Take the final boss for example. At first, he seems pretty imposing with the two fakes that he shares the arena with. The trick is that there is no trick. The real alien moves between locations in a clockwise pattern: right, left, up, repeat. 

Tina's Adventure Island 3 is exactly what you want out of a sequel. You get more of what you loved about the previous game, but without any of the bloat. The extraneous or unworkable elements were erased entirely, leaving behind a fantastic action-platformer that's packed with depth and replay-value. It expects a lot out of its players yet is also very generous with rewards. If you've got the patience, then you're going to have a great time.

Nintendo DS look - Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow

I'm just going to come out and say it: I treat Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow as if I was playing a Shin Megami Tensei game. Whenever I reach a new area of the Dark Lord's Castle, I start hunting all of the monsters in the vicinity for their souls. Maybe there's some light exploration involved, but I don't commit to a direction until I've exhausted the screen of anything worth collecting. Some of these souls are taken to Yoko, so that she'll fuse synthesize them into weapons. Eventually, I reach a point where I'm satisfied with my current setup and proceed to seek out the boss. This predictable yet addictive cycle continues until the credits roll.

There is a feeling of over-familiarity that pervades this entry in the Nintendo DS trilogy. After so much time and so many playthroughs, I have lost sight of what compels me to repeat the adventure. Its form has changed so dramatically over the years that I no longer see the Metroidvania. What I'm seeing instead is an amorphous creature. I shape it to fit my whims, and in return it nestles within the nethermost region of my skull, feeding upon the time I continuously fail to do anything productive with. After the credits roll, the creature is expelled, and almost immediately I question what it was that I actually saw in our creation. 

Disgust is too harsh a word, but I must be frank that I strongly dislike this game's flavor. Other descriptions that I'd consider too harsh are banal, or the product of a committee, yet the fact that they cross my mind is not something I can ignore. It starts with the music, particularly the first few notes that play in the opening area. They feel like heavily saturated grime dribbled into my ears. The rest of the soundtrack fares only slightly better. Compositionally, it's fine; serviceable synths strung together into adequate arrangements. Underneath however, there is nothing. I've listened countless times over numerous playthroughs for a melody that sang to me. Did I ever hear it? Of course not. Instead, I get these earworms (derogatory) that are frustratingly dull, but never to the point where I want to mute the game and find some actual music to accompany the soul-farming. 

Visually, it's all whatever to me. Everything looks fine, nothing stands out. The most interesting portions of the game are in the very beginning and very end. Snow-capped vans situated next to extremely rustic houses hint at what could've been. I also appreciate the surrealistic nightmare realm with the freakin' sweet knives embedded in the walls. All of the castle in-between occupies a dread space where there's neither enough gothic nor modern aesthetics to capture my imagination. It's the interactions with monsters and toying around with their souls that breathe life into each screen. 

Yes, here's the part where I start paying Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow some actual compliments. Its attention to creature details is so deep that I'm still making random discoveries. Skeleton Apes, whose sole contribution is tossing their barrel at Soma, will elbow him in the solar plexus when he attempts to sneak up behind them. Every soul that the protagonist makes use of has personality. The mini-Soma that rides Quetzalcoatl is cute as heck. Calling upon Persephone and her vacuum to suck projectiles and HP totally rules. Summoning homunculi, cats, or even Gaibon to crush adversity? Fantastic stuff. I can't forget about Dmitrii Blinov and his ability to copy any soul that's thrown at him. In my most recent playthrough, I tossed a Yorick's skull at him, then proceeded to stab the smug jerk repeatedly as he spammed a fruitless counterattack. It's all these little touches that help make the farming process manageable. 

Although the back of the box typically describes Disgaea as an SRPG, I've always thought of it as a cross between a puzzle game and a logistics simulator. To put it another way, I'm always looking for a more efficient grinding method. Arranging the troops to perform a specific set of commands, eliminating several monsters in an instant, and keeping turns to a minimum. This... this is exactly what I see in Dawn of Sorrow. Whenever there's a specific soul or rare drop that I want to farm, I don't just hunt down the enemy that carries it, I hunt them down with efficiency. Everything from the location to the soul-set to the number of moves Soma makes is pared down to the barest of minimums, ensuring that I attain the maximum number of kills in the time I allot myself. It's honestly surprising just how addictive finding these perfect farming routes can get. Cutting away the excess maneuvers until there's nothing left but a lean & clean grind. 

When it comes to discussing Dawn of Sorrow's controls, I admit that objectively there's nothing wrong with them. Soma runs, turns, ducks, and jumps with as much grace as a Swan with a dex build. His basic abilities are perfectly natural, demanding a nonexistent level of effort from the player. I say all this, but you already know exactly how I feel. Anything perfectly natural might as well be boredom incarnate. I need an aggressive series of seemingly arcane inputs to keep Soma moving. This game absolutely delivers with multiple flavors of back-dash cancels. By utilizing a constant series of back-dashes and the tiniest of hops, the hero can move noticeably faster. Executing this with any amount of consistency will take a lot of practice. Since I'm being honest though, I'll admit that I'm not a big fan of this movement-tech either. Getting those microscopic hops requires a feather's worth of pressure on the jump button. I prefer the simplicity of getting around in Harmony of Dissonance or even Order of Ecclesia. 

All that said, making any effort to learn the absurd movement tech definitely pays off in combat. Let's take the katana for example, which is the most entertaining weapon in this entry. Normally, the katana has a ton of recovery, since Soma sheathes it after every strike. This animation can be canceled by pressing back-dash + crouch. Part of what makes this technique so enjoyable to learn is the penalty for messing up. There's no canceling out of a crouching attack, so alternating between attack and back-dash + crouch has to be done with precision. Altogether, there's an entire layer of depth that I've never even considered pawing at in spite of the seemingly infinite playthroughs I've sunk into this damnable game. 

Over the years, much has been said about the boss sealing mechanic. I'm of several minds about it myself and have jumped between all of them depending on the time of day. First off, I won't deny that there is - or at least was - a very real thrill in trying to draw a seal with shaking hands after a tough fight. I also appreciate the system M2 came up with for the Dominus Collection, which linked the seal drawing to a series of button-presses. Nowadays however, I just skip the entire thing with Definitive Edition +. This romhack also fixes the luck-stat so that it influences drop-rates and makes several other QOL changes. In my eyes, it's essential. 

With that out of the way, allow me a moment to praise the great boss-fights in this entry. Their unique talents and variety of attacks ensure that they're much more than just a moving target with a lot of HP. I also love how I can use everything available to me to stomp them out quickly or limit my options to create an engaging battle. Maybe next playthrough I'll try to kill the bosses with nothing more than bats and zombies. That'd also give me an opportunity to refine my bat & zombie soul farming strategies. Wow! Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow is just the game that keeps on giving. Well, maybe it could've given a less-crappy final boss, but I can't get too hung up on that filth. 

Ultimately, I'd say that my relationship with this game is a complicated one. I hate how cloyingly safe it gets. The acid threatens to erupt from my lips every second I spend listening to its music. So much of what I expect to see in a Castlevania is lost in this whirlwind of suffocating blandness. You saw it yourself, didn't you? The part of me that wants to escape this game so badly that I start to imagine I'm playing something else entirely. Yet in spite of everything, I can never start a new file without seeing it through to the end. There is so much mechanical density that I want to engage with it on a molecular level. I love the ridiculous amounts of movement & combat tech, even if the former threatens to worsen my carpal tunnel. I adore the vast array of abilities. Depending on how my day is going, I can choose to try them all or go straight for the SSS overpowered Guillotiner. I am both fascinated and repulsed by everything this product has to offer. 

You should try it sometime if you haven't already.

Game Boy look - Mega Man II / Roll-chan World 2

Mega Man II or Roll-chan World 2 for the Nintendo Game Boy answers the age-old question of what it'd be like if Mega Man actually got to use Metalman's weapon again. Its eight-directions of robot-splitting ammo-sipping saw-throwing mayhem have returned to decimate everything. Not content with giving players a weapon of mass destruction, Capcom decided to make this one of the Blue Bomber's softest adventures. E-tanks are plentiful, as are extra lives. Enemy projectiles do chip damage and death-dealing traps are kept to a minimum. Seriously, for everyone out there who got stomped by Dr. Wily's Revenge and wanted a little revenge of their own, this is it.

Credit where its due, this entry has elements that are slightly more polished than before. Robot Masters in particular seem to have improved the most, as their patterns actually follow the logic established in the NES predecessors. The catch of course is that almost all of them aren't as fast or as capable as before. Also, if you have the weapon they're weak to, then the fight is already over. Clashman is one of the only exceptions. He's not immediately erased by tornadoes, giving him plenty of time to drop bombs and do some damage. There's a little more uniformity, with the game having nine reasonable-length stages instead of six that trend towards the extreme. I know I praised the uniqueness of having a long stage with a lot of difficult situations to handle, but secretly I long for familiarity. 

However, some mechanics have changed to be less Mega Man-like. The action no longer stops when Roll grabs a health or ammo pick-up. Took some damage and landed on spikes? That's a death. Players are also welcome to enter the pause menu during a boss introduction to choose their weapon, which is neat, if unexpected. Oh, and those classic disappearing / reappearing blocks can be jumped through. Hey wait! I like that change! That change kicks ass! I don't have any complaints about controls, but something about jumping does look and feel different. Not bad different, just different. Altogether, it's like going from emulation to mimicry. 

The tiniest contact with spikes isn't fatal, so feel free to do goofy stuff like this.

Actually, I just thought of something that I'd consider to be bad different. Roll's hurtbox is slightly larger than before. She was already a large target, but now it's gotten to the point where anything that pierces her aura can do some damage. Not that it matters though. The level of difficulty here is comforters and pillows compared to what I'd expect from the series. Look below and you'll see Roll ignoring an E-tank. The audacity! Seriously though, four E-tanks is apparently the maximum allowed. Every time I tried to collect a fifth, the game wouldn't bother making the usual pick-up sound effect, denying me that slight whiff of serotonin. 

Now, I won't deny the existence of the few occasions where the game actually tries to kill me. These usually come from out of nowhere, like falling down a screen and getting jump-scared by a random spike bed. These incidents feel like they were slid in at the last minute, as if having more spikes to fall on would help dissuade players from wondering why there's so little Mega Man in Mega Man II. Those incidents aside, the level-design is mostly content with adapting stages from the second & third NES at an almost 1:1 ratio. Some sections have slightly altered layouts or require a little more slide usage, but nothing exceptional comes to mind. 

All in all, Mega Man II is exactly what I imagined a handheld Mega Man game to be. Problem is, I have a poor imagination. This is essentially a "greatest hits" rendition that sticks far too close to its source material. It doesn't make the effort to play with ideas or create new challenges. The bungled soundtrack is also outright shocking. There's a fix for that at least. 

That's it. I can't think of anything else to say about the game.

END

Game Boy look - Mega Man: Dr. Wily's Revenge / Roll-chan World 1

Before they went defunct in 2002, Minakuchi Engineering worked on 40 video games. Unfortunately, with the industry being the way it is, we still don't know what half of those games were. It's only through their partnership with Capcom that they received any of the recognition they deserved. I'll admit, until the whim struck me a day or a week ago, I was perfectly content with never writing about another Mega Man game again. Yet, here I sit, plinking away at the keys until something resembling a coherent thought is formed about Dr. Wily's Revenge, the first entry in the Game Boy series. My only reasoning for dancing on the edge of the abyss is to show respect for a developer who clearly "understood the assignment".

However, as it's been the case lately, I'm using a romhack. Roll-chan World replaces Rock Man with his sister Roll Woman. The sprites and artwork look professional as heck. It's clear that the creator did a fantastic job. There aren't any other changes, so feel free to give it a try if you're like me and have gotten tired of Mega Man's face. Anyway, I didn't bother to check if there's a story to this entry, so I can only assume that Dr. Wily wants revenge for the three straight ass-kickings he received in the preceding NES instalments. This time around there are six stages, instead of the usual 12 or so. Despite this, an average playthrough can swing anywhere from 25 minutes to your entire miserable life. It goes without saying, but if a developer who knows the first three games inside and out gets a crack at making one of their own, they are not going to hold back. There are still unlimited continues and passwords, but checkpoints are rare and mercy is rarer still.

Anyone even halfway familiar with this game knows that I'm playing with some Z-grade hyperbole, so pardon me as I dial it back a bit. What Dr. Wily's Revenge represents is a knowledge-check. If you go in not knowing what to expect and are unwilling to learn, then you're going to have a bad time. Strictly in terms of mechanics, this is close to a 1:1 conversion. Controlling Mega Man (or Roll-chan) will take maybe an additional minute to get used to. In particular, tapping right or left during a jump seems to carry them just the slightest bit further than usual. Other than that, the heroes still acquire powers from the Robot Masters they defeat, the invincibility period they get after taking damage is still enough for them to survive an errant fall onto spikes or lava, and shooting from a ladder will prevent many headaches.

Like I inferred, Minakuchi Engineering knows Mega Man inside and out. The obstacles presented in each of the six stages feature representatives from the first two NES games as well as some entirely original creations. There is comfort in familiarity, but it's short-lived. Cutman's stage features an eclectic mixture of rolling buzzsaws, conveyor belts, and spinning blades. Those screwy turrets that fire spread shots also make frequent appearances. There's a lot to contend with, and I'm not saying that just because I like padding reviews out with extraneous words. The first four stages are easily 1.5 to 2 times longer than the player would expect. Cynically, this is another example of how early handheld games stretch the content. It's particularly noticeable once you lose a life and get kicked backwards. 

While I wouldn't even dream of calling Dr. Wily's Revenge unfair, it is quite grueling. Endurance and determination are required to see this adventure through to the end. Avoiding the dangerous pits is one thing but doing so while maintaining a decent amount of life is where the game gets really dicey. Mega Man is a larger target than usual, so even if almost all damage is avoidable, that doesn't mean you won't be getting kicked around a lot. Since the pre-boss checkpoint is further away than before, stray hits really start to add up. All this contributes to a unique level of difficulty. There are plenty of "hard sections", and they're often placed next to "not-so-hard" and "oh wait that's even harder" sections. Everything must be taken as a whole in order to succeed. From a level-design standpoint, it's really impressive. 

Whether the player is going to appreciate it or not is another story. At one point while playing Cutman's stage, I realized that Mega Man's health was really low. Normally, this isn't a big problem, since enemies respawn and drop recovery items... right? I ask myself this question because I just killed 30 or so of the screwball turrets and got a big bag of nothing for my trouble. Also, to respawn this particular turret, I repeatedly jumped between tiny platforms situated over a bottomless pit. This is me losing my mind. Perhaps the frequency of health items could've been dialed up a little bit. Then again, maybe that's asking too much. Elecman's stage starts off with the classic disappearing/reappearing blocks over a spike-bed. Afterwards, there's a tricky jump, and then more blocks. The fact that there's even a section full of easy to farm enemies following that ordeal tells me I should be grateful for whatever I'm given. I think the game just likes to keep its players on a short leash, always reminding them of who's actually in charge.

Oddly enough, Cutman is one of the toughest bosses in the game. While the developer clearly paid a lot of attention to creating severely challenging yet sufficiently balanced stages, the Robot Masters are mostly afterthoughts. Dodging Cutman and his shears is a highly improbable task. Go into the fight with full health and hope for the best. It's a crap strategy, but it's all I got. The other bosses fall quickly to the weapons they're weak to, so there is that to look forward to. I'll also add that the weapons are massive help outside of boss battles. One or two well-timed shears can obliterate those giant jackhammer bots. Electricity is good for most any situation, and you'll want to keep a full clip of Heatman's weapon when facing Dr. Wily himself.

Hang on, I must be getting ahead of myself, because Heatman doesn't show up until the 5th stage. In an interesting twist, the boss of the first Dr. Wily stage is four Robot Masters from Mega Man 2. They also drop their respective weapons. Next up is a duel with the Game Boy exclusive Enker. This is a buster-only challenge and is my pick for best fight in the game. The boss has an easy to recognize pattern, but this is still more than enough to put him above almost everyone else. The rest of the Robot Masters seem content to drunkenly run from one side of the screen to the other, throwing projectiles every few seconds. I mean, it's probably the best plan for dealing with Mega Man that I've seen. Why jump around and create windows of opportunity for the hero to avoid their attacks? Just walk into him repeatedly until he dies. 

As much as I'd like to continue using sarcasm (or a brick) to bash the lousy bosses of Dr. Wily's Revenge, there's still the fifth and sixth stages to deal with. This is the part where the gloves come off to reveal creepy robot claws designed specifically for mishandling the most delicate parts of the body. The second Wily stage is no less than 3 times longer than any other stage you've seen in a console Mega Man game. There will be moments where your heart will sink at the sight of a stage that simply refuses to end. The disappearing/reappearing blocks over a spike bed make a return... twice! Adding to the cruelty is that they create a rhythm that worms its way through your skull, only to switch it up, potentially causing Mega Man or Roll-chan to eat spikes. If that wasn't brutal enough, imagine the poor players of yesteryear who couldn't turn off their Game Boy without losing progress. For whatever reason, there isn't a password for the final stage.

The first entry in Mega Man's Game Boy saga isn't what I'd consider to be a maniac-only affair, but it's clearly more sadistic than what fans of the first few NES games are accustomed to. There's some cleverness to be seen early on. The combination of enemies and obstacles from multiple other games gives each stage an identity all its own. By the end, however, there's not much left besides the pain. This isn't a bad game by any stretch, though I think my younger self might have made the right call by ignoring it entirely. 

2026 Special - Sonic The Hedgehog 1: Amy Rose (2015)

Seeing as how the side-scrolling hammer-toting Amy Rose is just as much a part of the 2026 Special as anyone else, I might as well take some time to discuss one of the many romhacks she has appeared in. In the succinctly named Amy Rose in Sonic the Hedgehog, players take control of the pink heroine as she smashes her way through the six zones that put her one-time infatuation on the map. This is no mere sprite-swap either. Amy plays very differently, relying entirely on her hammer to bash the badniks and crush Eggman's schemes. That means no spin-jumping, no spin-dashing, no anything else that involves jumping or rolling through danger. It's nowhere near as difficult as it sounds, especially if you - like me - are older than dirt and have committed the entirety of the first Sonic game to muscle memory.

Before this review can continue, I have to share one of my juiciest secrets with you all. The first few times I played Sonic the Hedgehog; I treated it like Sonic was Mario, Mickey Mouse, or any other hop & bop platformer hero. There I was, being ultra-cautious with every enemy, ensuring above all else that I hit them from directly above. The idea of simply cutting through them like a blue buzzsaw never occurred to me. The fact that I got anywhere playing like this is a testament to Sega's restraint. They played fast and loose with the rules, allowing for a game that can be played in multiple ways, even one that's far from optimal.

This freeform attitude extends to the level-design as well. A hedgehog moving at supersonic speeds is able to jump higher and farther than the average mascot. This lends them the ability to jump over multiple gaps at a time, or cross at least one large chasm with plenty of room to spare. The de-emphasis on precise jumps and entire lack of leaps that require the protag to have their heels practically hanging off of the ledge is so engaging to me. It's like I've just been handed a wealth of options to reach the goal. After experiencing Sonic the Hedgehog for the first time, the realization of just how restrictive most other platformers had become hit me like a bundle of bricks. Even if I was taking the same path through the same act, there were still multiple subtle differences that all depended on when I pressed the jump button, whether or not I was rolling, whether I was maintaining momentum or had just stopped. It's... it's still really impressive nearly 35 years later.

Another aspect of the level-design that still holds up wonderfully is the variety of zones. The theming here is top-class. Whether it's Spring Yard or Green Hill, every zone is distinct and offers a unique array of obstacles. There's purpose to every appearance of a badnik. They help to establish the pace that lends each zone its identity. Starlight Zone is uniquely creative in that it's one of the fastest-paced zones, and all of its enemies are either explosive or nearly impossible to hit without taking damage. It's practically antithetical, but that's what makes it so clever. Also, I'll go ahead and mention that I'm one of those maniacs who loves everything about Labyrinth Zone. The way it pushes back against norms established in the first three zones, forces the hedgehog into situations of sheer terror, and concludes with a boss battle unlike most anything else. Excellent. Just excellent. Oh, and not related to anything in particular, but the fact that the game essentially takes place over the course of an entire day is awesome. Another Sega 16-bit classic called Streets of Rage 2 did the same thing. Great games, the both of them. 

Going by the romhack's description, Amy Rose is modeled after her appearances in the Sonic Advance games. This is where I show my ignorance, because I've actually played very little of that trilogy. Thankfully, it doesn't really matter, since adjusting to her intricacies takes less than a minute. As I mentioned way back, Amy uses her trusty hammer to defend herself. While standing, press the attack button - yes, there's an attack button now - to smack whatever's in front of her. Just uh... don't get cute and try this move while standing on a platform, because Amy takes a step forward while swinging. That step is large enough to potentially send her falling to a tragic end. Next up is the hammer-spin. Jump and press the attack button to perform a crushing somersault. This is the go-to move for most situations. An interesting limitation is that it can only be done once per jump. If you need a follow-up to deal with a nearby enemy, then performing the spinning hammer with down + attack. This could be considered a fast-fall with how it quickly it brings Amy to the ground, spinning all the way. 

Speaking of mobility, Amy also has her hammer jump (down + attack while on the ground). This gets her massive air, allowing her several more options for traversing zones that weren't available to Sonic. She also has a hop (down+jump) that um... you know... I still need more time with this particular move. It's one that I keep doing on accident because right now I'm using a logitech F310 and its mushy d-pad causes occasional problems. Still, it's a cute move and I appreciate its inclusion. Linking the hop into the hammer-spin is really fun.

I can't even begin to describe how impressed I am by this hack. Amy's move-set in Sonic 1 actually works incredibly well. Her controls are a natural fit, and the hammer-jump adds so much dimension. It was a real treat being able skip the block ride back after grabbing the 1up in Marble act 2. The option to retry that one jump at the very end of Spring Yard act 2 was cool to see, as well.  Having an attack button also creates this wonderfully tactile feeling. I'm more involved in what's happening onscreen, utilizing different methods to handle badniks, and the extra button presses provide some delicious feedback. No doubt about it. This is high-quality craftmanship. 

There's pretty much nothing for me to complain about. I'm already a big fan of Sonic the Hedgehog 1, so going through it with a fresh character with her own style and move-set is just fantastic. If Amy Rose is the trojan hedgehog needed to get me talking about Sonic games on this blog, then well heck... maybe I'll continue to oblige.

Playstation 2 Look - Beat Down: Fists of Vengeance

I've always considered myself a pretty harsh critic. If a game fails to meet my staggeringly high standards, then I mince it until there's nothing left. Depending on the genre, I can get outright cruel, almost as if I believe myself to be the foremost authority on the games that involve a lot of punching or flying ships around bullets. Truth is, I have a ton of weak points, and there just happens to be a title that strikes all of them at once. With Beat Down: Fists of Vengeance, Cavia has given me everything that I could ever want. It has character customization, RPG elements, a Suikoden / Pokémon recruitment system, a CPU vs CPU mode for watching recruits duke it out, and some very tasty jank. I am well-aware of every single one of this beatemup / fighter's flaws, yet I also can't stop myself from ignoring 2025's many all-time greats to spend a dozen hours playing it.

Much like every other 3D beatemup released in 2005, the story revolves around gangs at war with each other. A drug deal gone wrong has resulted in a lot of dead bodies and none of the goods. The bloodbath was pinned on Five gangsters, and you're taking control of one of them in the hopes of clearing your - already sordid - name. Over the course of seven chapters, you'll unearth clues to who is behind the conspiracy and crack the skulls of anyone who gets in your way. I'd use the term "standard stuff" to describe what's happening, but I received a notice that I'd be pushed out of an open window if I used it one more- 

...Huh. I didn't expect that to happen. Pity I live in a one-story house. 

Las Sombras and its many loading screens are where you'll be spending the entirety of the game. Almost every location is available from the outset, so feel free to wander around and take note of potentially important landmarks. The game also likes to leave crates full of healing items or other goodies just lying around, further incentivizing exploration. However, you might find your progress stymied by frequent enemy encounters. As tempting as it may be to brawl with every single cop or goon in the vicinity, you'll get a lot more done in a shorter time if you stop dressing like a mobster. I mentioned character customization, right? Hit up the local Rag Shack to buy some new clothes, visit Dick the Barber to get a fresh cut, or check into the hospital for plastic surgery. The options are pretty extensive for a 2005 game. Enemies won't recognize you with a new look, but they'll catch on eventually. There is an extremely mild stealth element at-play here. Avoid running into gangsters - including those who wear badges - to keep the brawls at a minimum.

Of course, there's no escaping a fight when the game demands it, and this is where we get into the first issue in Beat Down: Fists of Vengeance. The combat speed is 10-15% faster than it should be. I can't claim to know the innerworkings of this software, so I'm just going by what my eyes and fingers are telling me. Everyone's animations look like they've been sped up, and they all move around like they're on some sort of illicit substance. This extends to the player-character, affecting their response to button-presses. If you're trying to perform a combo, then get used to mashing the punch or kick buttons a little faster than you'd expect. Reacting to enemy attacks is also slightly more difficult, but unless you're purposefully making life difficult by playing on the hardest setting or avoiding leveling, then you're unlikely to struggle too much.

I say all this, without acknowledging the fact that this game can lay down the hurt when it feels like it. Occasional punches to the face won't affect health meters too much but expect a world of pain if somebody grabs you and you can't shake out of their grasp. Getting thrown will do a lot of damage. Getting shoved face first into a wall or pummeled by nearby goons will result in immense suffering. Oh, and you're guaranteed to go from 100 to 0 if somebody throws you off of bridge. Game Overs only happen under specific circumstances, but you're clearly overextending yourself, if the "Try again?" option keeps popping up. If running away is an option, then use it. If you can stand dealing with the blurry vision, an alcoholic beverage mid-fight will slow everything down. Oh, and most importantly, try to avoid getting into brawls all by your lonesome.

Shortly after acquiring The Blacklist, players can seek out fellow criminals located throughout Las Sombras. An attempt can be made to negotiate with these named individuals, but you're better off preparing for a fight. What follows is a one-on-one battle. Whatever strategy you decide on here is the right one. Opponents are susceptible to combos, launchers, grabs, or weapons. Choose the method of violence that suits your style of play. What keeps these fights compelling is that you're not trying to deplete their health meter, but rather their pride gauge. Once this gauge is exhausted, your opponent becomes susceptible to grabs initiated by the circle button. If successful, you can force them to join your crew, demand information, take their cash, or give them a Beat Down with your Fists of Vengeance. Finding and recruiting allies represents the bulk of the game. While playing, there's a good chance that the compulsion to "collect 'em all" will take over. It's certainly the case for me. 

Besides furthering the story, the main purpose of recruiting likeminded individuals to your criminal cause is to have a couple buddies for when the next brawl goes down. They also serve as backup in case you lose a 1v1. Occasionally, you'll meet someone with a unique talent, such as an expert at breaking into cars. These hot cars serve as a one-time fast travel and a source of quick cash. I doubt most players will take advantage of every talent, since their effect on the game is often negligible. Still, I appreciate the flavor they add. Recruits can also level up, but like Shin Megami Tensei, you're better off replacing them when stronger troops become available.

Side-missions are available for anyone needing cash or desiring that 100% completion rating. Typical of Cavia, their level of quality is mediocre to excruciating. On the mediocre end, there's the standard "find a guy and punch them a bunch" missions, sometimes involving the tiniest scrap of puzzle-solving. For excruciating, look no further than the mission where you have to deliver a live bomb from one end of the city to the other. Funny thing about this explosive is that it goes off the instant you take any damage. Imagine getting into a brawl where the slightest tap forces you to go through the whole Game Over -> wait for title screen to load -> choose last game-save to load -> head back to the man who gave you the mission to try again rigmarole. I suppose I should've expected this level of trolling from the company responsible for both Drakengard and Nier. 

I imagine even the most annoying missions would be easier to stomach if this game wasn't broken up by so many loading screens. Areas are often small and contain only a few NPCs, so I can't imagine why the constant transitions are so... constant. Further impacting my enjoyment is my sometimes overly cautious nature. As I said earlier, Game Overs and the lost progress that comes with are very rare, yet I still find myself saving as often as possible. There's a reporter who handles that feature, but she only shows up in a few areas or just before important events. Yes, I am purposefully putting myself through more loading screens. The frequent trudges through the same handful of areas also makes it sound as if the game with 30+ songs in its OST only has 5 or 6. 

There's also something to be said about the repetitive structure that holds Beat Down: Fists of Vengeance together. If you're not hunting down recruits, working through side-missions, or playing dress-up, then I can't imagine what else you'd be doing. The fighting systems aren't really designed to facilitate complex inputs or strategic play, especially when the fights themselves run at what feels like 66 FPS. I say all this, yet I am eerily charmed by this game's entire nature. The cycle of running the streets, coming up with new outfits, and filling out that completion rating is like getting multiple itches scratched at the same time. The over-the-top amounts of coarse language and bits of sometimes gruesome violence glue everything together. In spite of myself, I am compelled to keep playing.

Perhaps the one feature that speaks to me on an individual level is the Custom Versus mode. This allows players to use their save data to pit three of their dozens upon dozens recruits against one another in 1v1 battles. While this mode supports both player vs player and player vs CPU, it's the CPU vs CPU option that I got an absurd amount of mileage from. Something about myself that I don't bring up in this blog is that I'm actually a massive fan of simulating fights. When it comes to wrestling games and even some fighters, I prefer to spend my time creating participants and watching them duke it out. This is a side of me that was first realized in Smackdown: Here Comes the Pain, and I've since indulged in with the likes of Soul Calibur VI, Fire Pro Wrestling, and subsequent WWE video games. I even have a blog detailing some of my SC6 and WWE 2K20 creations. Also, you don't want to know how many hours I've logged on to WWE 2K20, often touted as being one of the worst in the series. I remember myself giving it a scathing review! 

On a "professional" level, I can't or at least shouldn't recommend Beat Down: Fists of Vengeance. However, it's impossible to ignore that this is one of those games that flicks all of my switches and activates every neuron at once. This is also just an adventure that revels in its ridiculousness. Enter a world where everyone shrugs off non-cutscene bullets and can't go a single fucking sentence without an expletive. If it was possible for something to age like wine and like milk at the same time, then I believe this Cavia title would be that something. It is as 2005 as 2005 can get. 

SNES look - Joe & Mac: Caveman Ninja

Today's look is at another game I remember renting when I was a much younger dork. Over the past however many reviews, I've been describing what I believe to be "perfect rentals". Good and sometimes great games that unfortunately don't have a ton of replay-ability or depth. I enjoy them because they help pass the time, and there's only so much Super Mario World or Sonic the Hedgehog 1 & 2 that my broke ass can stand. Joe & Mac: Caveman Ninja is a... um... well let's just go with "inoffensive rental". This is one of those games that really doesn't have a whole lot going for it, but it's an almost entirely stress-fee playthrough. 

One thing I should point out is that the earliest years of the Super Nintendo were pretty dire. I won't go as far to say that there was nothing to play, but there certainly wasn't enough to play. Not to mention I was always at the mercy of what was actually available to rent. I recall having to settle for "classics" like Spanky's Quest, Smart Ball, Ys III, fucking Lagoon, and this Data East run & gun. Hold up a moment. Joe & Mac: Caveman Ninja is considered a run & gun? Wow... That's definitely not how I'd describe it. The arcade version might qualify, but I'm discussing the SNES port, which plays more like a walk & toss than anything.

The point of the game is to get from one end of the stage to the other to defeat the boss and rescue the damsel. Along the way there are enemy cavemen, pterodactyls, bees, large fish, and mini tyrannosaurs. I'm not 100% certain about the last one, but the point is that it's a disappointing selection of prehistoric opponents. Hrm... That's no good. Jurassic assailants? Eh... Still iffy. Rude reptiles? Now that just sucks. Sorry, what I should be saying here is the lack of variety makes for unexciting enemy encounters. Sometimes the cavemen mix things up by pushing boulders or driving vehicles, but it quickly becomes apparent that they don't have the numbers or the tools necessary to be a threat.

Destroying neanderthal nerds can be made easy or annoying, it all starts with your weapon. There are four to obtain, and you can freely swap between them with the select button. I'll just cut to the chase and say that it's safe to ignore everything except for the wheel. The wheel deals the damage. One is all it takes to send a caveman to the great beyond. If you absolutely have to use another weapon, then feel free to knock flying or leaping creatures out of the air with the boomerang. There are multiple difficulties, but mostly they just affect how much damage everything gives and receives. On normal difficulty, it takes three boomerangs to kill a caveman. That's nuts! Hard difficulty is even worse. Five! It takes five boomerangs to kill someone! I'm sorry but that's just hilarious. Making every single bad guy some sort of boomerang-sponge is not my idea of good game-design. Stick to the wheel and stick to normal difficulty, because the sponginess of everything only becomes more apparent as you progress.

The issue of enemy variety is somewhat mitigated by how the stages of Joe & Mac: Caveman Ninja are arranged. In other words, most stages last a couple of minutes. The Super Nintendo port utilizes a map-screen, giving players a nice sense of progression and the freedom to replay stages. I get the impression that this was something the top brass at Data East really wanted for the game, but the developers weren't 100% onboard. I say this because while I appreciate what they were going for, it feels a little undercooked. Occasionally, these bite-sized stages contain keys. The doors they unlock lead to bonus areas where you can either get a 1up or something useless. It's not a fleshed-out system, but it looks quaint to the one person who really wanted a map-screen. Anyway, I've sidetracked myself long enough. 

While the stages are short, they usually have some sort of gimmick or obstacle that will capture the player's interest. Early on, a rather unique mechanic is introduced: the ability to safely stand on top of enemies. This is used later on as a means to cross spike beds and flowing lava without the aid of platforms. A vertically oriented battle through the treetops has our ninja friends battering goons while avoiding bees. The platforming sections aren't especially complex - which makes sense for a 2-player simultaneous game - but there's at least something to chew on. A boss awaits at the end of every stage. There are a few unfortunate repeats, but that's not my biggest concern. 

With stages being as short as they are, I expected the bosses to pick up the slack. It's not like anyone plays Alien Soldier for the stuff that happens between the boss-fights, am I right? Eh heh heh... Oh, dammit! Why of all games did I have to bring up that one? Now I've set some impossible standard that Joe & Mac: Caveman Ninja never even comes close to. Basically, none of the bosses here are particularly good. They're impressive visually, but don't do much beyond spit out projectiles or take a bite out of the heroes. Worse, the hitboxes are less than ideal, so dodging attacks isn't as thrilling as it should be. Worse still, archenemies only get spongier as you progress. The second to last boss has a health meter that just won't quit. 

I will say though that the last boss is pretty decent. However, there are two problems with it. #1 is that it's a teleporting boss, and it just so happens that this year I've developed an intense hatred for all things that teleport. #2 is that it's not even a dinosaur! A magical lizard would've been a kickass finale, but instead it's just a devil. I suppose that my main complaint is that Data East weren't inventive enough. A video game about ninjas fighting dinosaurs could've been every flavor of awesome. Instead, there's nothing here that really takes advantage of the concept. There aren't any stone shuriken or wood-carved kunai. Enemies have the same behavior and talents as in every other dinosaur-themed game. 

Basically, Joe & Mac: Caveman Ninja gives off the impression that it's about to do something exciting, but that's the extent of its worth. I've treated this game too kindly for decades simply because kid-me never had to struggle to complete it. The janky hitboxes give the entire affair an element of cheapness, but I never felt the overwhelming senses of frustration and hopelessness that have plagued so many other mediocre-to-poor video games. This is just an in-offensive product. It's not the worst thing to spend a weekend on, but it still leaves a lingering thought that I should've played through Super Mario World for the 30th time instead. 

Also, I apologize to all of the Smart Ball fans of the world. I probably could've swapped that one out for Xardion or something. I won't apologize for the Ys III hate though. The SNES version was not good.