Today's look is at another game I remember renting when I was a much younger dork. Over the past however many reviews, I've been describing what I believe to be "perfect rentals". Good and sometimes great games that unfortunately don't have a ton of replay-ability or depth. I enjoy them because they help pass the time, and there's only so much Super Mario World or Sonic the Hedgehog 1 & 2 that my broke ass can stand. Joe & Mac: Caveman Ninja is a... um... well let's just go with "inoffensive rental". This is one of those games that really doesn't have a whole lot going for it, but it's an almost entirely stress-fee playthrough.
One thing I should point out is that the earliest years of the Super Nintendo were pretty dire. I won't go as far to say that there was nothing to play, but there certainly wasn't enough to play. Not to mention I was always at the mercy of what was actually available to rent. I recall having to settle for "classics" like Spanky's Quest, Smart Ball, Ys III, fucking Lagoon, and this Data East run & gun. Hold up a moment. Joe & Mac: Caveman Ninja is considered a run & gun? Wow... That's definitely not how I'd describe it. The arcade version might qualify, but I'm discussing the SNES port, which plays more like a walk & toss than anything.
The point of the game is to get from one end of the stage to the other to defeat the boss and rescue the damsel. Along the way there are enemy cavemen, pterodactyls, bees, large fish, and mini tyrannosaurs. I'm not 100% certain about the last one, but the point is that it's a disappointing selection of prehistoric opponents. Hrm... That's no good. Jurassic assailants? Eh... Still iffy. Rude reptiles? Now that just sucks. Sorry, what I should be saying here is the lack of variety makes for unexciting enemy encounters. Sometimes the cavemen mix things up by pushing boulders or driving vehicles, but it quickly becomes apparent that they don't have the numbers or the tools necessary to be a threat.
Destroying neanderthal nerds can be made easy or annoying, it all starts with your weapon. There are four to obtain, and you can freely swap between them with the select button. I'll just cut to the chase and say that it's safe to ignore everything except for the wheel. The wheel deals the damage. One is all it takes to send a caveman to the great beyond. If you absolutely have to use another weapon, then feel free to knock flying or leaping creatures out of the air with the boomerang. There are multiple difficulties, but mostly they just affect how much damage everything gives and receives. On normal difficulty, it takes three boomerangs to kill a caveman. That's nuts! Hard difficulty is even worse. Five! It takes five boomerangs to kill someone! I'm sorry but that's just hilarious. Making every single bad guy some sort of boomerang-sponge is not my idea of good game-design. Stick to the wheel and stick to normal difficulty, because the sponginess of everything only becomes more apparent as you progress.
The issue of enemy variety is somewhat mitigated by how the stages of Joe & Mac: Caveman Ninja are arranged. In other words, most stages last a couple of minutes. The Super Nintendo port utilizes a map-screen, giving players a nice sense of progression and the freedom to replay stages. I get the impression that this was something the top brass at Data East really wanted for the game, but the developers weren't 100% onboard. I say this because while I appreciate what they were going for, it feels a little undercooked. Occasionally, these bite-sized stages contain keys. The doors they unlock lead to bonus areas where you can either get a 1up or something useless. It's not a fleshed-out system, but it looks quaint to the one person who really wanted a map-screen. Anyway, I've sidetracked myself long enough.
While the stages are short, they usually have some sort of gimmick or obstacle that will capture the player's interest. Early on, a rather unique mechanic is introduced: the ability to safely stand on top of enemies. This is used later on as a means to cross spike beds and flowing lava without the aid of platforms. A vertically oriented battle through the treetops has our ninja friends battering goons while avoiding bees. The platforming sections aren't especially complex - which makes sense for a 2-player simultaneous game - but there's at least something to chew on. A boss awaits at the end of every stage. There are a few unfortunate repeats, but that's not my biggest concern.
With stages being as short as they are, I expected the bosses to pick up the slack. It's not like anyone plays Alien Soldier for the stuff that happens between the boss-fights, am I right? Eh heh heh... Oh, dammit! Why of all games did I have to bring up that one? Now I've set some impossible standard that Joe & Mac: Caveman Ninja never even comes close to. Basically, none of the bosses here are particularly good. They're impressive visually, but don't do much beyond spit out projectiles or take a bite out of the heroes. Worse, the hitboxes are less than ideal, so dodging attacks isn't as thrilling as it should be. Worse still, archenemies only get spongier as you progress. The second to last boss has a health meter that just won't quit.
I will say though that the last boss is pretty decent. However, there are two problems with it. #1 is that it's a teleporting boss, and it just so happens that this year I've developed an intense hatred for all things that teleport. #2 is that it's not even a dinosaur! A magical lizard would've been a kickass finale, but instead it's just a devil. I suppose that my main complaint is that Data East weren't inventive enough. A video game about ninjas fighting dinosaurs could've been every flavor of awesome. Instead, there's nothing here that really takes advantage of the concept. There aren't any stone shuriken or wood-carved kunai. Enemies have the same behavior and talents as in every other dinosaur-themed game.
Basically, Joe & Mac: Caveman Ninja gives off the impression that it's about to do something exciting, but that's the extent of its worth. I've treated this game too kindly for decades simply because kid-me never had to struggle to complete it. The janky hitboxes give the entire affair an element of cheapness, but I never felt the overwhelming senses of frustration and hopelessness that have plagued so many other mediocre-to-poor video games. This is just an in-offensive product. It's not the worst thing to spend a weekend on, but it still leaves a lingering thought that I should've played through Super Mario World for the 30th time instead.
Also, I apologize to all of the Smart Ball fans of the world. I probably could've swapped that one out for Xardion or something. I won't apologize for the Ys III hate though. The SNES version was not good.
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