Super Nintendo Look - Iron Commando

After an hour of bashing my head against this game, I felt drained, both mentally and physically. Gamers familiar with Iron Commando are about to say that isn't even enough time to complete one playthrough, but they should just talk to a hole, because I'm not here. Wait. That's not exactly true. Have you ever had one of those moments where you feel totally disconnected from the consensus? Everyone on Youtube says this game is just like The Punisher and it kicks butt. I mean, I can't say they're wrong about either statement. Both games feature a heavy emphasis on weapons. Just about anything that walks on two legs is carrying a knife or gun. Driving the point home is that grenades are dropped from above to clear the immediate area. Some animations might've been swiped as well. I certainly can't argue against an opinion's validity, unless it's my own. Seeing as how so many people like the game, then I must be in the wrong, and a reevaluation is necessary. 

Here's the problem though. I'm not interested in arguing whether or not this is a good game. That doesn't matter to me. Iron Commando is vigorously unfun, and I don't want to play it anymore. What this beatemup does is take the simplest part - punching someone - and turns it into an inconvenience. Less than half the punches thrown by the heroes actually land. In a genre where players are regularly contending with hundreds of bad guys, a 40% success rate with punches doesn't make any sense. Yet here I am, missing jaws by centimeters because both playable characters have subpar reach. Actually, there's more to it than that. Every bad guy is carrying a weapon, and they know exactly where to stand in order to maximize its potential. Standing outside of the good guy's reach just comes naturally. 

Does everyone need to carry a weapon? That question is one I keep circling back to. Yes, I can also pick up and use weapons, but they crumble to pieces or run out of ammo in three seconds. The lowest of the lowly goon has an unbreakable knife or infinite bullets. Their aggression is also tuned very high, so every moment feels like Julius Caeser's last. Being surrounded and overwhelmed is the default state of being here. Though I try, it seems as if there's little that can be done to improve my situation. Encounters are designed to be relentless and steal my agency. Before long, I start feeling less significant than the nearest bad guy. Performing jump-kicks helps a little, but not enough to make a real difference. I'm trapped, made to feel worthless in a genre that only works when the player-character is stronger and more skilled than a hundred men. Yep. Just stab and shoot the shit out of me while I fumble most of my attacks. I love action games that treat me like an ineffective lump. 

Some enemies don't carry weapons, and it's only because they have something even worse. There are these guys called Eriks. They charge across the screen and it's such a hassle to deal with. Dogs and snakes have the advantage of being very difficult to hit, and- I really don't like harming animals. It'd be one thing if they were mutant snakes or robot dogs, but nope. Obviously, the game knew my morale was bottoming out and threw some guilt on top. The point I'm trying to dance around is that there should've been at least one henchman without a weapon or a special talent. Let them punch or kick, but otherwise their existence is to serve the flow of combat. Iron Commando wanted every encounter to be a hurdle, and they got it. However, how can I be expected to get over the hurdles when my feet don't get a chance to touch the ground? 

I believe my biggest issue with this game isn't that it's too hard. Rather, it's too limiting. When the simplest and quickest action is more-than-likely the wrong one, it's as if the structure instantaneously collapses. I can't get past the fact that if I want to see the end of a stage without using five lives, then walking up to someone and hitting them is the worst idea imaginable. No, I have to grab and throw the enemies, as often as it takes. There's no satisfaction in throwing someone and seeing only a pixel of their health slide away, but the alternative is a miserable death. 

Also, this fucking thing did not need to be an hour and fifteen minutes, and that's assuming a near-perfect run without continues. Just the thought of ten longwinded stages that wear repetition and monotony like a two-piece swimsuit is squeezing all of the blood from my heart. Iron Commando borrowed everything from The Punisher, except for its svelte 45-minute runtime... and the fun. Again, I can't or at least shouldn't try to make definitive statements about a game I've already walked away from. That's just it though, I'm gone. This wasn't what I'd consider to be a fair review, but I'm not subjecting myself to a brawler that hasn't given me one iota of entertainment value. Maybe it's actually a good game, but I didn't have a good time with it.

Of course, the little that I did play still managed to include a vehicle section. Fucking Hell. 

Super Nintendo Look - Edono Kiba

Edono Kiba wants and I give. Edo no Kiba takes and I allow. Like any other symbiotic relationship, I begin to question if I'll ever receive something in return. This is an arcade game, after all. Playing it is supposed to be fun. Overcoming its tests should create feelings of exhilaration and catharsis. Instead, after the battles had ended, all we did was sit across from each other, and stare. Though the words gnawed at me with increasing ferocity, I couldn't allow any of them to escape. I knew that if I said anything, the game would instantly fire back with a "What the hell did you expect?" 

It's a little bit funny how Riot and I keep getting in these head-on collisions. Psycho Dream, Beast Wrestler, and Exile are just a few of the many games they're brought into this world, and I barely have anything nice to say about them. Today's review is for one of their other Super Famicom offerings, an autoscroller where a samurai cop battles cyber-terrorist group known as ZEER. I could be wrong, but ZEER sounds so much like ZEED from Shinobi that it has to be an intentional nod. Anyway, they have armored soldiers, giant mechs, bio-monsters, and even a battleship. Samurai cop has a sword. This isn't one of those kick-ass swords either. I'd even go so far to throw it in the same tier as Lagoon. Attempting to rely on it for anything will lead to pain and death. In order to complete this game, you'll have to use the charge attack, always. Hold the attack button down and then release it while pressing forward. There isn't a single good reason why the "pressing forward" part is necessary. 

Look. I'm just going to say it, because I mean it with all sincerity: Edono Kiba insists upon itself. 

The instant I started the game; I was treated to a crosshatch test (see header image). Apparently, my first thought was supposed to be "I'm about to get some Konami-quality arcade goodness on the Super Famicom!" No. No, my first thought was just oh. Perhaps taking offense at a crosshatch says more about me than it does about the game, but seriously; how often are they seen when a console game is booting up? Riot wanted me to see it. In spite of their track record, an attempt was made to set expectations. I would've respected their audaciousness if it led to a fun game, but... 

I've already mentioned the neigh-useless sword, so allow me to discuss Samurai cop himself. He is an unfortunate soul whose armor doesn't do nearly enough to protect him from harm. In fact, the slightest touch from a terrorist drains his health. Since he has to get extremely close to an enemy to slash them, incidental damage occurs at a feverish rate. Most of these bad guys aren't doing anything either. They're jogging along with hardly a care. There isn't even a point to fighting. As in, no points or awarded, no power-ups are acquired. I can't even revel in the violence because the violence is weak. Deftly shifting between lanes while striking down baddies never gets enjoyable. As I alluded to with the charge-and-hold-forward-to-release special attack, the controls have this intentional clunkiness that feels terribly out of place. This cop moves like a tank, but he gets so hurt so easily. It doesn't make sense.

This game is divided into six inconsistent acts. Acts 1 & 2 are straightforward run & slashers, but Act 3 is a Battleship stage. The variety could be neat, except all anyone will remember from Act 3 is trying to destroy homing missiles with that damned sword. Surprising no-one, the cop is a huge target, so a missile grazing his heel inflicts pain just as easily as if it hit him square in the chest. After that mess is Act 4, an infiltration mission where the player picks whichever door looks the most interesting. Next up is Act 5: a boss-refight. Riot took the second boss, gave it a new coat of paint and a couple additional attacks, then drew a big checkmark. This game is blatantly unfinished. The final act is at least conceptually cool, since it involves a Samurai riding an ICBM while destroying other ICBMs. However, it also falls apart thanks to its lousy final boss.

I shouldn't blame Riot for everything that went wrong with Edono Kiba. They had maybe a few months to get a workable product out the door. No doubt there were some talented visionaries who never got a chance to soar because they were trapped under Telenet's thumb. However, it's impossible for me to appreciate such an empty yet demanding game. 30 minutes of using the most-convoluted method to dispatch enemies because it's the only one that actually works is a waste of time. The appeal of being a cyber-samurai is lost and buried due the protag being a hopeless target who's in constant danger of being scratched by a falling leaf. I can't take any of this seriously.

Super Nintendo Look - Jerry Boy

Back when the SNES section of the local rental store was the most depressing spot in town, anything that didn't play like concentrated misery was good enough to trade away a weekend for. My younger self's criteria for a "good" game consisted of the following: stages that could be replayed without starting a new game, 1ups that are easy to collect, and some decent music. Enter Smart Ball, a charming platformer about a blob who squishes his way through land, space, and sea. In retrospect, I don't recall what convinced me to give this a rent. The less-than-interesting box-art and slimy main character certainly weren't enough. Maybe the only other available games were Spanky's Quest, Xardion, and Lagoon. Whatever the case, I do remember playing through it a couple of times, and even discovering some of the cool powers that Jerry is capable of.

Some decades later, I finished Jerry Boy, the game that would become Smart Ball after Sony Imagesoft finished stripping out every bit of the story. The action-stages remain untampered, some work was done to tighten the controls, but almost every NPC was tossed in a void. Bit of a shame really. Without towns and their residents, the world feels empty and a bit too surreal. Hell, the fact that Jerry is a prince was unknown to me until just recently. I also didn't know that the guy who gets turned into a larger villainous blob is actually Jerry's brother, Tom (also a prince). The whole reason this mess occurred is because Tom made a deal with an evil magician to screw over Jerry and steal his bride-to-be. Why am I suddenly reminded of Area 88? Never mind. 

Before I continue, there is one minor detail I shouldn't overlook. While the in-game story is nonexistent, Smart Ball's manual introduced both the characters and plot. It also featured full color artwork! Of course, all of this was lost to me because rentals never came with manuals.

Jerry Boy was the second game designed by Game Freak. If Ken Sugimori's art didn't give it away, the quirky mechanics and light puzzle-solving certainly would have. At first, being a blob isn't much different than being a plumber. Press B or A to jump, hold down Y or X to speed-up, and tap the L or R buttons to expunge any objects residing within the goo. Leaping onto a baddie doesn't immediately end their life. Instead, Jerry sits atop them SMB2 USA style. In time, manual-less players will discover that pressing down flattens the hero (and anything close-by) while pressing up does a bird-bashing stretch. Besides increasing his speed, Y or X causes the blob to stick to walls or ceilings he makes contact with. Each level provides numerous orbs that can be held inside of Jerry's body. Most exist to be thrown at the nearest enemy, but seeds, iron balls, and high-jump orbs have different uses.

Seeing as how blobs don't have a lot of traction, adjusting to the controls will take some time. As the endgame approached, I was still messing up on the basics. If you're the type of platformer fan who always holds down the run-button, then I seriously suggest holding off. Save the "running" for a replay or when it's needed to make a big jump. Use precise movements whenever there are small platforms or spikes nearby. This game gives a lot of opportunities to make mistakes, but not a lot of room. Short version: lives are plentiful, life is not. Unless his max health was raised with a heart container or two, Jerry starts every life just two hits away from death. There will be times where he dies horribly and you'll swear it wasn't your fault, and you'll be right. Not that it matters to the game, but... let me explain.

The hitboxes in Jerry Boy are not good. I'm sure there's at least one person in the world who is sick to death of hearing about hitboxes. In a way, I agree. Cutting down a retro title because of intangible objects does sometimes feel like a shortcut. It's like a free pass to avoid discussing level-design, bosses, or the other elements that form a game. Just say the hitboxes are not good and write everything else off. Review done. I don't want to be like that because I think the level-design is really solid. There are cute ideas interspersed throughout, all of which take advantage of the blob's unique characteristics. I like sliding through tunnels and doubling back if I'm about to bump into an enemy. Using other foes as if they were stepping stools is also handled very well. However, the most miniscule of missteps is enough to put Jerry in a life-threatening state or straight into the grave, and I won't accept the blame for all of his pain.

A spike extending from the wall deals damage when Jerry collides with nearby space. The blob can be split by a swinging blade that wasn't even close. I might also have to consider the possibility that the evil magician cast some sort of harm-attracting aura on our protagoonist. In a world of bad hitboxes, having a large hurtbox sounds like overkill, but I don't have any other conclusions to draw. At times, I had to play annoyingly safe in order to survive. Mashing down while waiting for enemies to approach is so inelegant. This is an assumption, but I figure the developer was aware of the issue, as most stages have five checkpoints, and bosses can be killed in seconds. Of course, that doesn't explain why Jerry never starts with a full health bar, but murmur murmur, yadda yadda, bleah.

In short, Jerry Boy doesn't reach its full potential. Thrilling battles had to be cut short. Complex obstacle courses were circumvented. This platformer is cute and creative, but it punishes every invasion of personal space with grievous harm. Maybe that shouldn't matter in a game where spare lives pile up to the ceiling, but it does affect my enjoyment. The music holds up pretty well at least.

Super Nintendo Look - Cacoma Knight in Bizyland

Once upon a time, there were three unlikely heroes who escaped disaster out of sheer laziness. Now the king - who is also a lazy shit - has tasked them with saving both princess and country. With magical chalk in hand, Jack and his fellow layabouts Jean & RB93 must stand against Queen Wagamama's misfits. Surviving 21 stages of line-drawing madness will take a steady hand as well as tons of memorization. Cacoma Knight in Bizyland is somewhere between undercooked and half-baked. Qix-likes are always rare and pleasant to see, but I just can't connect with this one. 

Qix is an arcade classic about drawing lines to fill space. Simple to grasp, hard to master, and ripe for countless iteratives. DaTaM Polystar's take on the formula involves having multiple enemy types as well as hidden power-ups to uncover. Basically, your chosen hero is never safe. Staying on completed lines or the surrounding wall puts them at risk of getting bashed by small goons. While drawing, they're hounded by larger foes capable of flight. Maybe they also have some dangerous objects to hurl about. Whatever the case, a life is lost if a projectile or flying enemy collides with the unfinished line. Each stage has 1-4 treasure chests. Their locations are fixed, and the power-ups they contain are a huge help. However, a chest can't be opened until one of the heroes draws a block around them. 

I'd ask why the game deemed it necessary to hide the treasure, but it's a question I might already know the answer to. Cacoma Knight expects players to memorize the chest locations, otherwise the game wouldn't have much depth. If there was a shiny sparkle, a clue hidden in the background, or anything that aroused suspicion, then players would quickly figure out the perfect drawing route. Also, stages are easy to clear with the right power-up. The bicep grants temporary invincibility, boots provide super speed, and 1ups do exactly what 1ups do. Since extra lives can't be obtained with points, there's even more of an incentive to just grab the chests.

While there are three playable characters to choose from, they suffer from having either strengths or weaknesses. Jean's drawing speed is ridiculous. She can zip across the field and clear huge chunks of the stage in a fraction of the time it'd take Jack. Her maneuverability in mid-draw isn't good, but she almost never has to worry about her line getting struck by a foe. Jack is the balanced choice. He's better at drawing, but so much slower. Finesse doesn't mean much in a game where the only good stuff is hidden treasure. One of the interesting but also irrelevant mechanics is that a few enemies can be destroyed if they're caught inside a space that has just been filled. This is something that Jack might be able to get some use out of, if destroying enemies served any real purpose. They respawn in less than three seconds, and it's impossible to get rid of anything noteworthy. Still, at least Jack isn't RB93. Talk about a sad joke. What this criminally slow piece of junk needed was a unique feature. Maybe he doesn't get killed when an enemy touches his unfinished line, something like that. Nope. It's just a trash-ass robot for the psychopaths who drag themselves across rivers of lava and thumbtacks. 

Cacoma Knight in Bizyland never finds the perfect difficulty balance either. Setting aside the fact that one's chances of reaching the end are strongly influenced by the number of 1ups they luck into, most stages can be cleared without much effort. It isn't until the final three stages where the deaths have a serious chance of piling up. Those goons that walk across lines start moving awfully fast. Getting blindsided by them becomes an overly frequent occurrence. Next thing that happens is a giant slime controls half the screen with its death-globs. Predictably, the final stage is harder than the rest of the game. Much like the hidden treasure, it's just a cheap method to extend playtime. 

Ultimately, this Qix-like isn't for me. It plays fine and has some whimsical charm, but the game feels like it's liable to punish me for trying to learn its intricacies. Pick the fastest character. Grab a stack of cheat sheets. Knock the entire thing out in 20 minutes. 

Bit odd that I have to pause the game to see how many lives are remaining.

Sega Genesis Look - Streets of Rage 2 Hacks

Forgive the lack of a decent intro. I'm here to look at Streets of Rage 2 romhacks, so let's get to them.

River City Girls... of Rage

Misako, Kyoko, Riki, and Kunio team up to crush Mr. X schemes once and for all. You're guaranteed a great time no matter which character you choose. Misako has a rolling dash that's perfect for bullying bosses. Kyoko's parry can smash pretty much everyone, including those damn Galsia's with knives. If you need oppressive strings and a long-distance attack, then Kunio is your man. Finally, there's Riki. He gets to follow up his piledrivers with air combos. That is so freaking awesome! Each character also has a full suite of techniques that weren't in vanilla SOR2, like a universal 8-way run and the ability to juggle. As far as the opposition is concerned, numerous major foes were replaced by bosses from River City Girls. It's a nice addition.

Clearly, this was a product of love. I'm especially fond of how several of the moves do multiple hits at a time. They add impact to every blow, and it's all so satisfying. The integration of the River City Crew is seamless, and none of them feel weak or underutilized. Poor Donovan though. Jumping attacks are so good here that his normally flawless uppercut tends to get squashed. Enemies tend to have a tougher time in general. They're basically combo practice when launched next to a wall. Professionals might want to bump the difficulty up to Hardest or Mania. Otherwise, enemies will die long before gamers can land some nasty combos. 

Even if you're like me and never spent serious time with the River City Girls saga, this hack is still totally worth checking out. There is a little weirdness in the final stage. When you arrive at Mr. X's lair, you'll notice that he's not in his chair. In fact, he won't appear until after "Shiva" and several minions are defeated. Just something to keep in mind.

Street Fighter 2 of Rage

It's fair to point out that Streets of Rage 2 was at least partially inspired by Street Fighter 2. In this interview, Ayano Koshiro mentions that there was a Street Fighter 2 cabinet at Ancient, and several matches turned into brainstorming sessions. Considering how one influenced another, a hack that places SF2 characters in SOR2 just makes sense. However, this one is very basic. Max, Axel, Blaze, and Skate are swapped out for Zangief, Balrog, M. Bison, and Cammy. My guess is that Axel's moves were easier to adapt to Balrog than Ryu. Bit strange seeing M. Bison instead of Chun-Li in Blaze's spot though, especially since both ladies share a "fireball". 

Besides the different sprites, there's only one feature that sets this hack apart. Cammy & Balrog are overwhelmingly strong with weapons. Somehow, the guy wearing boxing gloves can wield a pipe with such ferocity that swings do three hits instead of one. Cammy is also a pipe-pro but give her a knife and she becomes queen of infinite stabs. Trying to hold onto (overpowered) weapons as often as possible could be a neat little challenge. 

Streets of Rage 2 - Doreamon

You know you're going to be in for a time when the introduction states "It's going to be a very difficult task to defeat the boss of the crime." Also, the hack outright bars entry to the options menu. Don't like playing on the Mania setting with 9 lives? Too bad. It's not like the big stack of extra bodies will help much, because this is a kusoge-hard Streets of Rage 2 hack. Enemies are as fast and aggressive as you'd expect, but team up in ways that are beyond cruel. For example, the second boss is two Jets... and an Electra. Anyone familiar with high-level SOR2 knows that Electra is an anti-air fiend. Pairing her with a couple of bosses that are mostly fought with jump-kicks? That's evil incarnate. 

This probably wouldn't be a huge deal if Doreamon's crew was anywhere near capable, but... nope. They're replicas of the SOR2 crew, but with worse range and specials. Nobody gets any cool down-attacks that hit 6 times or juggle combos. Without fun stuff to exploit the opposition, the hapless heroes are bound to get overwhelmed. The greatest gamers (or users of save-states) could see some decent progress, but everyone else will be wiped out by the fourth or fifth stage. 

Also, anyone who dares challenge this hack will be treated to earsplittingly absurd remixes of classic tunes. It's a designed to be a fever dream, a "what-if?" that never should've happened. Locking players out of the options menu (and thus the sound test and stage select) was a conscious decision to force them through the entirety of the madness. Frankly, I don't see the point. There's some creativity on display, but fighting overtuned battles with underpowered characters is not fun. I'd rather just check youtube and see if somebody else suffered through it. 

SOR2 - Sonic Wars

I'm going to cut to the chase. Sonic is the star of Sonic Wars. He's like Axel with a spin-dash. On my first attempt, I made the mistake of using Shadow. Shadow takes Shiva's spot in this hack, which means he has an infinite jab, an infinite grab, as well as specials that don't cost health to use. This sounds overpowered until you take into account his pitiful reach. Seriously, the ultimate lifeform has a hell of a time hitting anything with stubby limbs. His forward-special is completely useless. None of the other characters fare much better. Knuckles, Amy, and Tails don't get any unique attributes or overpowered tech to build strategies around. Just pick Sonic, seriously. Having the best dash-attack and the ability to close distance quickly allows him to ignore the life-eating traps that populate SOR2's late-game.

While this hack is by the same creator as SOR2 Doreamon, the music hasn't been remixed into oblivion. Difficulty is set to normal & 3 lives. It sounds fair, but keep in mind that the hack is based on a version that seems to tweak enemy AI response time. A bad guy (or badnik) will perform a move the instant they're within range. Anyone besides Sonic is going to suffer against Electra, Boxer, and several others. Also, since every Galsia & Donovan is a robot, their reach is just as lousy as the heroes. Trying to fight human combatants is where the problems start to arise. All in all, this is a pretty amusing hack.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles... of Rage

There's no shortage of TMNT in SOR2 hacks to go around. This one utilizes the fearsome foursome in a number of interesting ways. While each turtle's move-set behaves similarly to their Bare Knuckle counterpart, they received some unique properties that allow players more ways to enjoy their favorite beatemup. For example, Michaelangelo has all of Max's grapples, as well as enough speed to outmaneuver his enemies. Skate fans are sure to appreciate Raphael's dash-attack, as it deals several hits and big damage. 

One aspect I really like is that each turtle shares aerial attacks. Their flying kick is really good. When used properly, not even a Mania-level Donovan can knock it out of the sky. Jump-kicks deliver extra hits, making them perfect for many situations. Enemies are also sent flying by most combo-enders and grabs. They're susceptible to juggles in this state, which is always nice to see. However, they're also sent flying so far that it limits potential follow-ups. Just something I had to nitpick about an otherwise very good hack. 

Final Fight Crossover

I have got to talk about Mike Haggar's beautiful clothesline. For this Final Fight X Streets of Rage hack, the mayor of Metro City was given one of the greatest dash-attacks I've ever had the pleasure of abusing. Excellent damage, tons of invulnerability, and the range? Magnificent! Crushing entire squads with one swing is always a delight. The awesomeness doesn't end there. Haggar has a full suite of powerful moves, including a jab that eats Knife Galsia for breakfast. The love extends to Cody. He gets to parry, which puts the Syndicate's elite in a very rough spot. Link attack strings into his B+C and you'll turn Guy into an oppressive force of nature, brutalizing anyone that dares to intrude on his axis. Oh, and Chun-Li is along for the ride. Her abilities are deadly at any range.

If you like cracking skulls with overpowered heroes, then this hack is a must-play. Everyone has excellent moves that feel great to land.

Streets of Rage 2 Difficulty Randomizer

Depending on the difficulty setting, the Syndicate can be practice dummies, potential threats, or ruiners of worlds. On Mania, everyone has superhuman reflexes, and they'll hard counter the slightest misstep. It gets a little obscene, especially considering how few 1v1 fights there are. This hack is both a new way to experience a classic, an opportunity to level the playfield, and a fantastic showcase of how difficulty settings affect each individual foe. 

What I like about the hack is that I can test my skills against the best the AI has to offer and still get opportunities to effortlessly crush low-level chumps. The action flows differently. Plus, I get to jump-kick Donovans again... some of them at least. I don't know what else to say here. It's neat. 

Girls' Paradise

To be continued... 

Steam Look - Armored Lab Force VULVEHICLES

The year is 2010. Terran Defense forces have invaded Abic, laying waste to the planet's defense systems and facilities. A ragtag team of researchers has had enough! Putting their thousands of years of training and experience to work, six ladies develop twelve ultra-advanced tanks. These vulvechs feature state of the art weapons as well as hovering technology. They've also been fitted with portal devices, guaranteed to swap tanks in the heat of battle at a moment's notice. It might not sound like much compared to the galaxy-conquering TDF and their infinite forces, but our heroes will figure something out. ASTRO PORT's love for explosive hardware and cute ladies talking history collides in Armored Lab Force VULVEHICLES!! 

I love ASTRO PORT games. They're well-built, explore unique ideas, and don't waste a minute of my time. Whenever they put out a new release, I'm confident that it's going to rock. Their 2022 release VULVEHICLES takes vehicular combat in an interesting direction. Each of its 24 stages are comprised entirely of destructible terrain. Both yours as well as the enemy's firepower will blow away walls and floors. If, for example, you're feeling a little overwhelmed by the TDF's current attack, you can shoot your way through an alternate path, using the remnants of the terrain as cover. Foes that walk or roll across the ground are instantly destroyed if they fall off of the screen. The same applies to turrets that are attached to walls. They might be durable, but their surroundings aren't. All sorts of scenarios can occur over the course of a typical playthrough, so be ready to adapt to constant change.

Hovering technology can only do so much when the object it's trying to keep elevated weighs anywhere from a couple dozen to over a hundred tons. Basically, you can't fly around the battlefield without consequence. Hovering expends energy. Though your tank doesn't drop like a rock the instant that energy is exhausted, movement becomes incredibly restrictive. The game makes a point by painting the borders red when there's no energy, because a series of direct hits on an unmoving target is practically imminent. Staying grounded will slowly replenish hoverpower, but you're much better off just switching tanks. Holding the requisite button will transport the depleted tank out for a fresh one. You can (and definitely should) also do this if a tank is low on HP. Three are taken into battle at a time. If any of them don't make it back, then they're lost for the remainder of the mission. One other extremely important detail is that teleporting doesn't work in the air. Finding a place to land and making the switch while being pelted from all directions is just one of many situations that has to be figured out.

A lot can go wrong in this game, but I can only blame myself when it does. The most durable tanks in the garage are also the largest, which affects both speed and evasive ability. Basically, I can't get mad that I tried to fly a large object in-between a barrage of bullets. Vulvechs don't get invincibility frames after taking damage either. It's totally fair, because the enemies they contend with can all be destroyed in seconds. Even the bosses rarely survive for more than a minute. A sustained attack or a couple special weapons at the right time will eliminate them with relative ease. There are even some neat tricks that veterans can appreciate, such as using the teleportation switch to avoid attacks entirely. The timing is a little absurd, but the fact that such a feature even exists is cool as hell. Basically, survival is all about resource-management. Depending on the selected tanks, players are allotted a supply of special weapons. Use them at the right time to clear stages with ease or waste them on frivolous targets, and risk getting demolished when the real threats appear.

Each of the twelve vulvechs are designed to suit specific playstyles. Besides speed and size, tanks are differentiated by their weaponry. The largest of the lot fires drills that punch through everything. Depending on the stage, this can be an ideal strategy or a big disaster. Erica's tanks (left side, center) can be summed up as flamethrower and giant laser. Good for single targets, bad for crowd. Special weapons can also differentiate wildly. The second-largest tank creates a field that erases every onscreen bullets. Appropriately enough, this special weapon has the least amount of ammo and doesn't do actual damage. It's still invaluable when used at the right moment. The top-left tank has a huge cache of grenades. They're hard to use but offer plenty of versatility. Players aren't required to use every vulvech in the garage, but they're setting themselves up for failure if they continue to rely on a small handful.

As is usually the case with ASTRO PORT games, this one features a wide selection of difficulty settings. Anyone experienced with shooters is liable to find Normal to be a little too easy. However, I'd still suggest starting with it. Higher difficulties affect more than just firepower. They introduce new and deadlier foes. The highest difficulty - which is only available after scoring 10,000,000 points in a single playthrough - adds buzz-saw tanks that will drain an entire HP bar in nanoseconds. Choosing the right vulvech for a stage also becomes outright essential. Even on the (easier) Insane setting, I was struck with the grim realization that my poor decisions in the garage set me up to fail at a critical moment. If you're willing to commit, then there's plenty of depth. 

Armored Lab Force VULVEHICLES is another easy recommendation. The concept is simple to understand yet creates a surprising number of potential situations to overcome. Enemies are varied, interesting, and always on the attack. 24 stages might sound rather high, but I assure you that the typical playthrough is going to slide well under 45 minutes. Also, fans of the lore can watch anime girls discuss the entirety of the ASTRO saga. I probably mentioned it already, but there are at least twelve games that share the same timeline. Ridiculous, but also charming.

Oh, and I've uploaded a playthrough of insane difficulty on Youtube. Cutscenes are automatically skipped, so there's not too much to spoiler.

2026 Special - Super Mario Bros. - Peach's Adventure

For reasons unexplored, I've been having a serious bugbear of a time allocating words towards this Super Mario World romhack. Super Mario Bros. - Peach's Adventure is a straightforward mash-up of all-things classic Mario. The art-direction is clearly inspired by SMB1, and there are frequent references to other titles like SMB3 and SML2. Besides utilizing its engine as well as some of its mechanics, this hack has a surprising lack of SMW. I'm actually very pleased with the decision. Fair warning: expect the next however many sentences to be filled with early-morning ramblings. 

Although I'm well-aware of the amazing work that has gone into Super Mario World hacking, the results often don't catch my interest. Taking a mechanically rich and experimental game like Nintendo's 1991 classic to new heights with a slew of original levels is amazing, no doubt about that. To me, however, it represents a commitment that I'd never be able to make time for. Not to mention, SMW is just one of several games that I want to move on from. Probably not even a week ago, I lamented that people aren't seeking out enough original stuff. Empty words from someone who'd then spend an entire weekend playing the randomizer that combines Super Metroid and Link to the Past. The worst part is I never finished a single run. They stalled out after I grabbed the easy-to-reach items, almost like some twisted gatcha where the first 100 pulls are free. 

This road to false equivalency is not one I intend to continue walking, but the randomizer incident has left me questioning what I truly enjoy about the classics. Is it the level-design? The controls? Or just finding some cool items? Super Mario World is a game that I've spent years with. The muscle memory is so entrenched that you could slide a controller into the hands of my fresh corpse, and they'd finish two 96 exit playthroughs before the rigor mortis sets in. Maybe that's the problem right there. Is finding exits all I care about? Everything else could just be a means to an end. For me, playing a SMW hack would be a risk. If I quit the instant I run into some friction, then I'll likely go back to the original for hours upon hours of exit gathering. Imagine playing games purely for the regurgitated sense of accomplishment. There're likely some deeper issues going on here, but I can't spend every review digging into them.

Super Mario Bros. - Peach's Adventure is a total conversion, and it's perfect for me. Mario has been kidnapped by Bowser. Stopping him requires a Princess willing to hop & bop her way through eight distinct worlds, all of which are stuffed with classic platforming goodness. I really like how charming and straightforward this is. There aren't any overcomplicated inputs to master or levels that require a dozen tries to survive. The emphasis is placed on breezy action that anyone can pick up and enjoy. Those willing to tackle the optional challenges will be rewarded with some fun extras. 

The power-ups are a delightful mishmash of favorites. Peach can easily roast or freeze adversity with the requisite flower. Leaves have replaced capes as the go-to flying accessory, though any need to actually take flight has been pared down quite a lot. Like I said, this is very much not a SMW game. Keeping a leaf nearby for the all-important hover is still handy though. My personal favorites are the boomerang & hammer. Throwing blunt objects is just a lovely thing to do. One other appreciative feature is that getting hit while carrying a weapon doesn't shrink the Princess. She gets to remain la- errh bi- um... tall-ish, until she takes damage a second time. Yeah, I guess I should point out that Peach's look is a little unexpected. It's all good though. This isn't an exploitative game. Plus, I think it's really cute how she's 60% hair.

Each level does a fine job of emulating traditional Mario action, but with enough surprises to keep things extra interesting. Almost every level contains five star-coins. Starting off, these shinies are located in plain sight and within arm's reach but steadily become harder to obtain as the adventure progresses. A handful are often tucked away in side-areas. They're not that hidden, especially for those who try to duck into every pipe they see, but anyone missing 2 or 3 after clearing a level might've overlooked a big detour. Collecting all of the coins in a level does mean that deaths aren't allowed. Thankfully, most levels are short enough so that retrying for full coinage isn't an ordeal. I can't say that I didn't get mildly annoyed a couple of times though. The final world has some beefy levels with easy-to-miss coins.

Also, I just think it's really fun how classic game stuff is incorporated into every level. It means that there's always something to look forward to. The frustration-free approach to obstacles is also kind-of amazing. Even the obligatory mine-kart levels just fly by. My mind was in a constant state of "Oh, this is neat". This conversion was clearly designed to move at a semi-brisk pace, as if the creator wants players to see everything, but without the repetition of constant retries. Balance between the old & new is handled really well. I never felt like I was just going through the motions or seeing things just for the sake of it. It's purposeful, smart game-design. 

So yeah, I think Super Mario Bros. - Peach's Adventure is worth a recommendation. Fans of the NES trilogy will find a lot to like. Using SMW as the base for a decidedly un-SMW game was a very clever move. Speaking entirely for myself, the lack of absurdist mechanics is really appreciated. I got to experience a fun quest while keeping thoughts of checking out more hacks in the furthest recesses of my mind. Again, I don't intend any offense towards Super Mario World hackers. There is a ton of brilliant work out there. A ton! It's just a rabbit hole I'd prefer to dance around if possible. The instant I fall in is the instant I'm right back to 96 exit-farming.