Super Nintendo Look - Tecmo's Secret of the Stars

Back when I mentioned that I was playing through Tecmo's Secret of the Stars, at least a couple of people chimed in saying that it's a mediocre Dragon Quest clone. I, forever the optimist, thought to myself "Hey! That sounds good to me! It's impossible to screw up Dragon Quest." That was an honest-to-Baphomet thought, because I purposefully ignore the reasons why DQ games tend to be a tier or two above their contemporaries. Chunsoft's classic RPG series is a lot more than just towns, dungeons, and turn-based battles. Each adventure moves at a comfortable pace, so players can spend anywhere from three hours to fifteen minutes and still accomplish something. Sure, the need for cash and experience leads to a lot of grinding, but fights move quickly. Who knows? Maybe some metal slimes or babbles will appear, and the next fight will be a huge score. To me, the games work so well because there's always something to look forward to. The next town is going to have interesting gear in the shops as well as some fun NPCs to talk to. Each building is liable to contain items hidden in pots and dressers. A new piece of equipment always feels like a substantial upgrade. There is so much about DQ that works wonderfully, but the only mainline entry I've ever finished was IV. As of this writing, I'm 25 or 35 hours into XI and haven't touch the game in months.

One day, I'll have to sort out my personal demons, because there's no reasonable explanation for continuing to ignore Dragon Quest in favor of clones. That might lead me towards blog posts where I cover the same games and have the same opinions as everyone else, which would suck. Something has to change though, because who knows what'll happen if I end up with another RPG as dull as Secret of the Stars. A dull unfulfilling lump with half-assembled features and less than 30 minutes of excitement. Others might have tolerated this because of the nostalgic feelings it evokes, but all I had was a fast-forward button and screwed-up priorities.

I fought way too many of these guys.

As per usual, the hero's story begins with a tale of the grand destiny that awaits him. He must scour the world for four unique individuals. Together, they'll form the Aqutallion, the only force capable of stopping Homncruse. Along for the ride are the Kustera. They basically function as a second party. I'll give Tecmo some credit for the two-party system, as it is pretty ambitious. There's just one problem: Kustera doesn't do anything. Several dungeons feature gates that can only be opened by one team or the other. Without fail, Aqutallion's gates always lead to the bosses and the plot advancement that follows their defeat. Areas exclusive to Kustera contain additional treasure, and that's it. I am being slightly unfair, as there are a handful of locations that party #2 must visit to obtain key-items. The final dungeon is also a series of simple door puzzles that both parties participate in. In the end however, it's Aqutallion that fights every last meaningful battle.

I can understand, to an extent, why Kustera is relegated to side duties. This motley collection of knights, priests, fighters, and thieves never gain the ability to perform unite commands. If I could borrow a word from an RPG I should've played instead, unite functions a little like dual-tech. One hero attacks with a unique weapon, and the other casts a low-level spell that shares its element. More precisely, Ray uses fire magic to enhance the effects of Cody's fire sword. Their combined actions result in Burn Blade, an immensely damaging skill that becomes the duo's bread & butter for several boss-fights. Aside from the awkward implementation - unite commands are set after the party's orders have been decided - this is the preferred way to deal with anything that doesn't die in a few hits. Endgame fights are typically a race against the clock, the clock being the healer's remaining MP. Uniting is one of the only ways to deal triple-digit damage, an essential part of staying ahead of the clock. 

In spite of Kustera being all but useless in a real battle, they still demand experience, cash, and time. Time invested on them is time wasted, as it's much better spent on the heroes doing serious work. Secret of the Stars is a brutal grind, and giving players nearly a dozen characters who can't even fight a boss just comes off as selfish. I mean, shit. Let's bring Dragon Quest IV back for a second. There's an RPG with several playable characters, all with specialized talents, and any combination of them can be used to battle end-game villains. If you're going to clone a game, at least do it justice. 

Further emphasizing the grind is that there's no good reason to fight battles while exploring a dungeon. Monsters, spellcasters in particular, are resource hogs. Unless a party is comically over-levelled, they'll spend a big chunk of their MP recovering from a single bout. The encounter rate is also screwed, with a new battle sometimes occurring one or two steps after the previous one. As such, the player is better off having "grind sessions" in some corner of the world where fights are easy and the experience is... not atrocious? Figures I'd get the one 16-bit RPG without rare enemies that drop tons of experience. Anyway, go do a grind, then enter the dungeon and run from everything. Running has a success rate of 99% and is one of the game's few remarkable qualities. However, if you're someone who believes that random encounters are a legitimate method for helping the party keep pace with the continually strengthening monsters as well as the villains that lord over them, then avoid this. 

Two of the few reasons why I put up with all of this nonsense is the messy story and sometimes hilarious translation. For most of the adventure, nobody bothers to question why the main character is dressed like Buck Rogers and blasting monsters with a shotgun. Also, he manages to destroy almost as many villages as Homncruse. Entering an armor shop to purchase "chainmale" is a treat. A civilian on the outskirts of a late-game town makes a surprisingly profound statement. Still, speeding or suffering through a couple thousand battles just for a handful of amusing moments really isn't worthwhile. 

By the by, if you do intend on playing through this, hoard all of the moon-drops. They're full MP restoratives that'll make the final battle go so much smoother. Homncruse can dish out 100+ damage spells to the entire party in back-to-back rounds. That's game over unless the healer is working nonstop. Anyone who used up all their moon-drops earlier might have to grind final dungeon encounters for the 1/256 chance of receiving one as a rare drop. Yep. More grinding.

Your time is better spent elsewhere.

Super Nintendo Look - Operation Logic Bomb

Somewhere in the periphery sits Operation Logic Bomb, a Jaleco game about interdimensional robot crabs that have taken over a research facility. Your mission is to destroy the crabs, their anomaly-producing generators, and literally anything that isn't immune to bullets. This "ultimate search & destroy" isn't the sort where you can just run around with your gun all a-blazing. For starters, you play as a cyber-soldier who can't dash, side-step, run, or dodge-roll. He shoots and maybe he strafes. Rushing towards enemies is just going to drain that big beefy health meter of his. If you want to save the day, then you'll have to be methodical. Use cover or find places to stand where enemy fire can't reach. If you can shoot them from around a corner, then that's even better. New weapons are obtained at set-points, allowing more ways to deal with problems without exposing oneself to danger. Players who utilize the environment and logic to decimate their foes will get far. 

I can't think about this game for more than five minutes without the words "Survival Horror" popping into view. True, there's not much in the way of horror. Killer robots tend to appear where there's crystalline hexagonal subspace, ruling out any potential jump-scares. Also, since progression mostly revolves around going from room-to-room clearing everything in sight, the only tension is going to come from having a low amount of health and no idea when the next recovery station will appear. By the way, stations can only be used once, so at least there's a survival element to work with. Although I don't think it'll matter too much for the average gamer. Most of the challenge is crammed into the last third, as that's when stations are really hard to come by. Oh, and I guess it's hard to do Survival-anything when the ammunition is unlimited. 

Pictured: The story

It sounds like I'm just throwing shit at the wall, doesn't it? Yeah. This is what happens when I cram 75% of the review into the first paragraph. In all seriousness, the reason I keep wandering back to Survival Horror is because I have this strange belief that Operation Logic Bomb could've been an all-timer if it had released during the genre's boom period. There's already a framework. Cyber-soldier enters a lab that's about to be crushed by the crustacean dimension. Keep the minimalist storytelling, create some dark atmospheric lighting, and put more of an emphasis on solving problems instead of just clearing the immediate area of robots. I'd also like to see a bunch of science guys getting - oh I don't know - pulled apart by claws. Maybe lean further into the interdimensional stuff. I think I would be sufficiently freaked out by sudden wormholes that spewed out killer robots. Better yet, let's get a few giant crabs with big pincers reaching through time and space just to crush the hero. 

Those are just some random ideas. I'm afraid I didn't put any thought towards how the game would actually play. Adapting various guns that can rebound off of walls or shoot around corners probably doesn't gel with a Resident Evil-esque perspective. Maybe I'm just not imaginative enough. Better to discuss the game that exists while large rusty hooks attempt to drag my head out of the clouds. Jaleco skillfully made the most of the limited variety of enemies. Pacing is solid throughout, with the only sticking point being that the destination isn't always 100% clear. It's impossible to get stuck, but one could waste a few minutes jumping between floors.

The one other potentially significant issue is the second boss. It's the hardest part of the game. Unless every one of your actions is perfect, you're likely to enter the arena with half health. Then again, a full healthbar likely won't fare much better, as there are a limited number of workable strategies. The one I settled on involves using the rebound laser and some cover that blocks a lot of the giant lobster-thing's bullets. I probably shouldn't give so much info away, as dying to a difficulty spike four times in a row and having to start over helps build character...or something. Then there's the final boss. Not quite the easiest part of the game, as its lightning will erase life in milliseconds, but anyone who survived the first 45 minutes is going to solve this last predicament with little trouble.

So... yep. Operation Logic Bomb. It's a decent little game. A bit lacking in replay-value, but solid as concrete hell. This atypical shootemup is unique enough to warrant a playthrough. Unfortunately for myself, I'll never be satisfied until it's transformed into a Playstation 2 game that plays like Dino Crisis, but with less tank controls and more crabs. 

I am in total idea guy mode, and it sucks.

Super Nintendo Look - Genocide 2

After an hour or so of this inadequate port of an X68000 classic, the thought hit me that maybe I should pursue the genuine article... or at least as something as genuine as emulators could allow. ZOOM was a seriously underrated developer, and I'm doing their legacy a disservice with these Super Famicom write-ups. I should be looking at their X68000 library, the Zero Divide series, or even Mister Mosquito. Actually, maybe not. The last thing I should be thinking about is all the things that I should be doing. No doubt one of those shoulds is "should not have started a game review blog". 

Genocide 2's port was handled by Bits Studios. Curious that Kemco would opt for a British company to a produce and translate a game that wouldn't leave Japan, but it's not as if Bits was an unknown. They've previously worked with the likes of Taito and Irem, porting their arcade titles to the Game Boy as well as other platforms. I can't vouch for accuracy, but I'm a little familiar with their version of GunForce. It's not very good. As always with these looks, I want everyone to keep in mind that the apologies are baked in. Porting games to underpowered hardware is an unenviable task, and I admire everyone who takes it on. At the same time though, I'm going to be harsh. That's my nature. Thus, when I look at the X68000 and Super Famicom versions of Genocide 2 side-by-side, then recall my time with the latter, all I can think is "Damn. Damn, damn damn damn damn!" 

The game is divided into five stages, which are then cut into multiple areas (never more than three). You're piloting Goliath; ten stories of giant robot awesomeness. In spite of its size and apparent weight, the robot moves with the deadly grace of a ninja master. Accordingly, its weapons are limited to a short-range energy blade and Betty. The blade is self-explanatory, but Betty is rather unique. When the requisite gauge has filled, Goliath can throw Betty in eight cardinal directions like some 23rd century windmill shuriken. It won't stick around forever, but at least long enough to deal with a slew of enemies or boss. Various one-time sub-weapons can also be found on the field. Mad Betty fires a special homing sphere that continually bashes foes. Explode does immense damage to everything onscreen. Shield makes Goliath untouchable for several seconds. Save these for bosses and your struggles will be few.

Since clearing an area is contingent on slaying a set number of enemies, combat represents the bulk of Genocide 2. Unfortunately, this is when the ports' failing become apparent. Due to the weapon's extremely short range, most contact just results in robots clumsily bumping against each other. Successful interactions, such as destroying a foe without taking damage yourself, don't feel earned. The issue is made worse by the weak hit feedback. In the X68000 version, striking an enemy causes them to flash briefly. It's a simple indication that adds so much to every encounter. While there are other audio and visual effects when an enemy takes damage, the SFC version's missing flash is a huge loss. 

Adding to combat's woes is all of the slowdown. If Goliath, Betty, and at least two other robots are onscreen, then the game will crawl until at least one of those parties is out of the picture. There's always an ideal method for dealing with each enemy. Finding the right spot to stand in, mashing the attack button at the correct moment, etc. However, the ideal method gets dull, and players want the thrill of expertly leading a giant ninja robot through intense scenarios. That hardly ever happens, because the poor combat mechanics and technical faults turn would-be exciting encounters into a mishmash of clunky collisions. It reminds me of Bits Studios' GunForce port. That's a run & gun where neither the running nor gunning feel right. 

This version of the game also features more platforming segments. The one positive is that at least there aren't any bottomless pits or spike-beds. They just had to have some disappearing blocks though. One of the areas consists of magnetic devices, small pellet-spitting tanks, and flying vehicles that fire the instant they're onscreen. It's enough to make me question my life choices. Not just the reviewing, but playing games as whole. 

Just play the X68000 original. 

Super Nintendo Look - Arcana

Arcana takes place on Elemen island. A land so sacred and beautiful that no less than six nations are vying for control over it. Their endless warring has claimed many lives, including Rooks' parents. Also, monsters have reappeared, somehow. Maybe they're just attracted to the bloodshed. In an effort to protect his homeland from further destruction, Rooks throws his lot in with the adventurers Alan and Teefa. They're heading to the nearby Balnea Temple, a source of evil in need of cleansing. This game is what I would consider to be an atypical dungeon crawler. Though its first-person perspective should associate it with the likes of Wizardry, The Bard's Tale, and Shining in the Darkness; there is a distinct absence of obstacles to navigate or puzzles to solve. Instead, it's a uniquely straightforward DRPG that's designed for instant-action. Players don't have to draw maps, but they will be seeing a lot of combat. 

Before continuing, I should point out that my playthrough was done using the Seal of Rimsala romhack. As noted by the description, this hack provides a better-translated story that's easier to follow, along with a handful of QOL features, bugfixes, FASTrom implementation, and more. The reviews overwhelmingly consider this the definitive way to play, and I'm in no position to argue otherwise. Perhaps I could've played the unaltered original, but what good would it have done if all my (hypothetical) complaints were addressed by the hack? No. It's best to go with the definitive version and find new things to complain about. 

In any case, Arcana is divided into five chapters, each containing one dungeon that must be explored and conquered. Note that while some dungeons contain multiple biomes, there aren't any shortcuts or key-items that provide access to later areas. This is, ignoring the treasure-laden detours, a strictly point A to point B excursion. Even though dungeons must be cleared without the conveniences of warp spells or interim saves, they're usually small enough so that rushing straight to the end takes very little time. Of course, players who choose to rush will be roadblocked by the next boss. There's no avoiding the customary random encounters that must be grinded for experience and cash. Driving this point home is the fact that every hero who allies with Rooks isn't carrying any equipment. Darwin, whose defining characteristic is having a large sword, isn't actually equipped with one when you recruit him. At least the romhack tends to place useful equipment in the dungeon, so you don't always have to return to town just to outfit some idiot recruit.

I'll go ahead and share a bit of advice that someone related to me when I started the game for the first time: Don't get too attached to your allies. Most will quit after a chapter's completion, leaving behind whatever you obtained for them to be handed off to the next hero. Rooks also has a habit of striking out on his own, fighting battles that probably would've been easier with an extra pair of hands. In short, every stat-up item you obtain should go directly to Rooks. 

Accompanying the last Card Master on every leg of his journey is an Elemental Spirit. At first, Sylph is the only one that can be called upon, but eventually Ifrit, Marid, and Dao will join. All four Spirits have a set of spells that's attuned to their element and replenish HP/MP with every step. For the most part though, all this means for players is having a steady supply of AOE spells. Magic is weirdly expensive in Arcana, so even dedicated casters like Teefa and Sarah don't do much spell-flinging outside of boss battles. Spirits aren't quite as limited, making them invaluable while exploring or grinding. Another talent they have is shifting the party's elemental affinity. Don't mess with this unless you know what you're doing. I shifted my party's affinity to wind during a tough fight only to realize that the boss is strong against it, doubling his damage output while halving mine. Real smooth.

Besides AOEs or heals, the purpose of magic is to coat the allies in buffs and slam the enemies with debuffs. It's a nice aspect of the game that sadly falls out of favor towards the end. The toughest monsters cast non-elemental magic, and there's no debuffing that. Still, it might be worth trying the spells that boost evasion / decrease accuracy. Yes, one might get lucky and avoid a barrage of lightning, rocks falling like raindrops, or even Armageddon. It even saved my life a couple times during the final battle.

On the whole, I'd say the battle system is an interesting collection of quirks. It seems to use a variation on the Active Time Battle system. Turns are supposed to be determined by each enemy and ally's initiative stat. Heroes as well as boss-class monsters also have a latent chance of receiving two turns in a row. In practice though, it just leads to a lot of fights that are oddly difficult to employ any real strategies. For example, during Rooks' turn, he can swap the current Spirit out. It's a neat feature, especially since it doesn't cost him a turn. However, he's unlikely to get the first turn in a battle, which hampers one's ability to exploit elemental weaknesses. This is something that hardly matters anyway, as most fights end with a couple AOEs and/or Rooks hitting like a truck. I just brought it up because Arcana struggles with providing long-term depth. Granted, I say this while ignoring the entire card-usage mechanic. In each town, there's a mystic lady who sells cards that provide various effects. They're probably awesome, but I never used them. Oops.

Despite my issues, I had a good time with Arcana. There was a rare pleasantness in exploring a DRPG-like world without any of the friction. Yeah, monsters with OHKO attacks or spells could've been interesting to deal with, but I know I'd be calling bullshit after one of them showed up on the 10th floor of a tower I'm trying to get through. However, there's no reason for me to defend the lackadaisical dungeon-design. Contemporaries like Shining in the Darkness were far more creative, with some floors being so diabolical that they continue to haunt my dreams. Here it's just hallways, forks, doors, stairs, and sometimes rooms. The pacing is quite good though, so empty unfulfilling corridors aren't that much of a bother.

But yeah, the most I can say is good.

Manhattan vacation photos

Over this past weekend, I visited Manhattan for the first time. Most of the photos I've taken will be published on my other blog.

You can check them out if you like.

The game reviews will resume whenever I feel like it.

2026 Special - Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts - Artoria Edition

Sometime in the past week - or perhaps even a few hours ago - I was visited by a disturbing presence. Without uttering a word, it implanted a thought that I can't rid myself of: Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts is a work of genius. Unless you've dug through the more obscure sections of this blog, you'd never know that I am a GnG hater. Holding a phial of venom for Capcom's hop & toss series just happens to be one of my hobbies. I haven't revisited them in many years, preventing any opportunity for my opinion to soften, let alone change. Such stubbornness is antithetical to whatever values I imagined a games-writer should aspire to, but nobody cares about all that. I'm an unknown who can hold any wackadoo opinion imaginable and never worry about getting called out. 

Seriously, the only reason I've even thought about SGnG lately is because of Artoria Edition. This hack envisions a world where Arthur and Prin Prin never met; or maybe they have, and the princess simply isn't interested in men. Instead, her lover is a lady knight named Artoria. She is, as you would expect, just as determined and talented as Arthur, while suffering the same curse of never being more than two hits away from death. Since the hack fits my 2026 "female protagonist with weapon" criteria, I figured it'd be worth a shot. Early on, this was just a sprite-swap, but features were added with every major update. If my recollection stands, version 3.0 added the Secret Menu, which might have been the nudge that shoved me out of the GnG Hater's Club. 

Normally, Artoria's quest to rescue Prin Prin from the Demon Realm is defined by its restrictions and curious ideas. There are seven stages, and each contain all the expected hallmarks of an action-platformer. Pits of both the spikes and bottomless variety dot the landscape. Whether they spawn infinitely or at predetermined points, monsters must be evaded or destroyed. If the heroine walks or jumps into specific locations, a treasure chest will appear, though its contents vary in usefulness. Armor is of course essential, but the weapons range from amazing to awful. Basket-carrying foes might also drop a weapon. If this causes something useless to block the path forward, then tough luck. As if the pressures of meager armor and bad luck weren't enough, the timer demands constant movement. Boss battles late in the game require a level of patience that the ticking clock won't allow. 

Then there's the whole matter of jumping. One of the more interesting yet understandably divisive mechanics that Capcom came up with is the fixed-arc double-jump. As you've no doubt experienced in other games, fixed jumps require that a chasm can't be too wide to cross, or a ledge can't be too high to leap onto. The limitations are immediately noticeable, and it falls upon the level-design to craft a scenario that isn't just making identical jumps several times in a row. At the same time though, there is comfort in consistency. With a single glance, we can tell if our player-character can make the next jump. What Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts does is introduce a significant number of variables. Arthur (or Artoria) can jump twice, but both jumps are fixed. This creates numerous possibilities, most of which lead to danger or death. If the knight wants to change direction in mid-air, then they'll have to use the second jump. Also, platforms aren't guaranteed to be placed within one or two jump of each other. Stage 3 features a lava crossing that demands accuracy in a way only two expertly timed button-presses can achieve. It's a gutsy decision that gives this game its wonderful identity but can also be a real pain in the ass.

Artoria Edition's Secret Menu works in two ways. One, it's a series of features that allow players to customize their ideal SGnG experience. Two, they're toggleable assists to ease newcomers into a tough game. I won't lie. The instant I started this up; I flew straight to the menu and set everything to ON. Treasure chest locations being marked by a sparkle is a huge boon. Damage that depletes armor level instead of reducing its wearer to skivvies? That gets a hell yeah from me. Artoria can also switch between collected weapons with L & R, which comes with all sorts of advantages. Perhaps the most dramatic feature is midair control. Both the first and second jumps, as well as those rare ledge falls, are left entirely in my hands. I don't have to tell you how freeing it is to cruise over stage 3's lava. If something unexpected happens, I can perform some ridiculous jump to get away. It's a fun way to play, but also one of the first assists I disabled after a couple of playthroughs.

What makes this game so brilliant is its limited jumping controls. I have to consider every possibility before pressing the jump button. If an enemy is capable of firing a projectile, then I must memorize the timing, figure out the best place to stand, and only leap when it's necessary. Every move is calculated, thought-out, and leaves nothing to chance. This is, pardon the lame description, a thinking-person's game. I plan my moves because the jump-button is no longer an escape-button. Only by doing so did I realize that every stage is thoughtfully constructed. They're not so rigid that any dalliance is doomed, but only flexible enough to honor smart decision-making. 

However, it would've been nice if there were less slow-moving platforms that the knight had to ride upon. A not-insignificant portion of the adventure is spent waiting for something to happen. It's a perfect-length game otherwise, and that's accounting for the 2-loop requirement. There are some other nitpicks, though it's the same stuff everyone else complains about; like that one homing shot from the bow that always goes wild and flies in circles. No wonder nobody ever puts down the dagger. Also, occasionally the latter half of stage 4 gets a little weird with the poison gas timing. If I move a little too quickly, I end up in trapped between some gas and those blue spore-thingies. 

Whether it's vanilla or with every one of Artoria Edition's features enabled, I don't believe there's a wrong way to play Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts. Sure, there's a taste to it I spent many years avoiding, but that's entirely on me. There are limitations, and they're handled with purpose, not a mere excuse to bully players into submission. That said, a customized playthrough can be just as enjoyable. Having more allowance to make rash decisions or even mistakes will draw players in. 

Good stuff.

You can shoot Samael with arrows. It works.

Super Nintendo Look - Parodius Da!

It's another one of those days. I'm supposed to be leaving on a vacation to New York City, but right now I can't get my goddamn bed to work. Forces outside of my control have denied me another decent night's sleep. Frustrated and beleaguered, I sit at the desk and wait for words to appear on this screen. Maybe the bed's functionality will be restored if a few of them have anything to do with Parodius. Back in 1988, Konami released a shmup for the- blah. Actually, screw all that. Let's skip ahead a few years to when Parodius Da! was ported to the Super Famicom. 

Fair warning: This write-up was done with the assumption that readers are either well-acquainted with Konami's flagship shmup series or have glanced at one of the seven other times I've covered a Gradius game. 

Everything that needs to be said about this game was spelled out in the full title. Shinwa kara Owarai (From Myth to Laughter) is a clear reference to Gradius III's Densetsu kara Shinwa (From Legend to Myth). This is a shmup designed for Gradius lovers, with all the perks and baggage included. Even if it isn't as committed as its predecessor to breaking gamers into tiny pieces, Parodius Da! often chooses to be delightfully sadistic. All the duckers and dee-01s were replaced with goofy penguins, but their ability to ruin lives was left untouched. One would think that the Super Famicom port would provide respite from its comically difficult arcade counterpart, and they'd be half-right. It's true that Konami packed this with plenty of beginner-friendly features. Players are given seven difficulty levels to choose from as well as the option to start with up to nine lives. They can even turn off the roulette, so the next power-up doesn't throw them headfirst into total anarchy. 

The respite ends on the battlefield, because Konami took the SNES hardware to task in a big way. This game is, outside of specific circumstances, light on the slowdown. There's going to be some grinding when a fully powered Vic Viper is firing away at a Moai battleship, and maybe a bit of stutter when trying to evade walls of bullets. For the most part though, the dreams of being saved by slowdown have disappeared. When the walls close in, there's only one recourse, and it involves learning a stage meter-by-meter until a consistent solution is discovered. Gradius syndrome isn't quite the issue that it once was, but don't be surprised by the surplus of checkpoints that can chew through nine lives in less than a minute. 

There's undoubtedly someone reading this who has far more experience with Parodius Da! than I, and hopefully they're nodding in approval when I say that I'm not overselling this game's difficulty. Now, it might not seem like it at first, especially for those who stick exclusively to settings 1-3 and avoid the second loop, but... okay this is where complications start making their way in. This game is uneven. Oftentimes, the unevenness is deliberate, a method of subverting expectations. Chi Chibinta Rika, the Vegas showgirl, acts much like the giant crabs seen at the end of Gradius... except she appears in stage 2. Also, despite an early encounter, the game still treats players as if they're professionals by having several penguins run in and lob bullets. As with most other bad situations in this series, there's a small window to escape. Either you find it, or you repeat the checkpoint. The dance with Rika is a guarantee that everything afterwards is going to push your reactions and initiative to limits unknown. However, there's only so much an uneven game can teach its players.

Let me jump straight to the point: Stage 6. Despite taking place in a pinball machine, there's only one gimmick worth noting and it's that roulette power-ups are very common. There's something almost mean-spirited about giving one of the game's hardest stages an infusion of chaos, but whatever. Stage 6 is essentially a tribute to Nemesis. By Nemesis, I'm referring to the North American version of Gradius, with the rank that spirals into absurdity in less than 10 minutes, turning the earliest stages into improbable bullet-hells. There is nothing here except rows upon rows of the fowlest creatures, and they're covering the screen in a web of projectiles. Technically, this is a speed stage, so everything whizzes past in a little over a minute. A dozen things can go wrong in that amount of time, causing lives to disappear in seconds. I mean, this is a checkpoint shmup! One would think that a life could last a little bit longer than- nope. Several of my deaths can be described as: "unceremonious bullet to the back". Again, there aren't any real gimmicks, which means no setups, no payoffs; just enemies fucking my shit up. It's out-of-pocket, even for a game dedicated to Gradius lovers. 

While I'd argue its absurdity peaks with stage 6, Parodius Da! manages a pretty nasty followup in the form of Stage 8. This ice cavern opens with a chokepoint, then proceeds to line its walls with an unending series of penguins. Somehow, that wasn't enough, because most of the action occurs underwater. The dramatic decrease to speed makes recovering from death a special sort of horrific. Also, due to the rank system, whatever modest success I had earlier is thrown back in my face a dozen-fold. If stages 7, 9, and 10 feel reasonable, then it's probably because 6 & 8's pounding caused the rank to decrease a bit.

I think this a really good game, but it's also not as *fun* as I remember. The weird stage progression and shifty difficulty makes it hard for me to connect with. Granted, the sequels also might've spoiled me with their instant respawn options and large roster of playable characters. Ah well. The bed started working again, so I'm going back to sleep.

My stage 6 "strategy" is hoping for a green bell.