2026 Special - Super Valis IV

Super Valis IV is a departure for the series, and I'm not just talking about the fact that it's a Super Famicom exclusive. Rather than stick to the norms, Laser Soft opted for a slightly different approach. This is still most assuredly a run, jump, and slash adventure, but the underlying mechanics have changed quite a lot. Before going any further, let's discuss the story. At the end of Valis 3, Yuko retired from the warrior life and became the Goddess of Vecanti. There was peace for a minute until Galgear, psychotic prince of the dark world, broke free from his crystal prison. Lena Brande has taken it upon herself to battle Galgear's forces and save all the worlds from destruction. 

... I'm starting to get the impression that writing the story for a Valis is as simple as making up some names. If there was ever a fifth game, the antagonist would be Cruelblaze, archbishop of the dark world. He'd kidnap Yuko with the help of his three acolytes Eyegore, Mulphus, and Zzo. Lena would arrive, fight everyone, and get some fancy bikini armor in the process. Okay, enough fantasizing about sequels that'll never happen. Let's move on to discussing an actual game, one in which a sword-swinging heroine dashes through seven stages. 

A key feature of the SNES edition of Valis IV is that it drops the slide entirely. Absolute insanity, am I right? Imagine not having a slide that defies gravity. Lena prefers running, and she's damn good at it. Double-tapping right or left boosts her speed as well as the distance of her jumps. It's a talent I quickly grew to enjoy, and it's all thanks to the splendid controls. Most stages are very basic, with little in the way of moving platforms or obstacles. In other words, there's almost no reason to stand still. This more freeform approach is a departure from previous games in the series. Gone is the Castlevania-esque methodical pacing. It is possible to get knocked off of a platform by an enemy; it just doesn't happen often. Even then, the damage from sprinting into adversity and/or their projectiles might not be anything to fret over.

It feels like I'm committing a crime getting this close to an enemy and not taking damage

Though it might not be obvious at first, you're racing the clock. Instead of a timer ticking downward, it's a boss's health meter steadily filling up. This is something that I can't remember ever seeing before. The longer Lena takes to reach a boss, the longer the ensuing fight will take. It pays to play fast and loose, even though it means running face-first into danger. I said the controls were splendid, and that extends to every aspect of them. The heroine is quick, graceful, and has a hurtbox that's shockingly forgiving. You can avoid a lot of damage simply by relying on your reflexes. Lena's sword has good range and can fire projectiles with Up + Attack. You probably won't be spending too much time sniping at foes from afar, but having the option is very nice.

Unique to Super Valis IV is its power-up system. Various items dot each stage. Grab them and they're added to Lena's inventory. Pressing the X button equips whatever is currently highlighted. If it's a projectile ability, then the heroine has a new shot-type that lasts a limited number of uses. Hearts are one of the few means of healing. Then there's the super armor, which lasts a handful of hits. This is a welcome addition that really shakes up the formula. Also, depending on the time invested to learning this game inside and out, you could eventually have no need for it whatsoever. The extra utility helps, but Lena with just her sword is powerful enough. Item-usage actually affects the title players can receive. It's uh... okay I seriously didn't expect such forward-thinking design. Lasersoft came up with a system that's rewarding for both newcomers and veterans.

I must admit I'm a little taken aback by the confidence this game displays. Encounters with both minions and bosses feel more natural than before. Losing the slide doesn't affect our heroine's ability to dodge attacks. She can run or duck under quite a lot, and that's a testament to the value of good hitboxes. Instant-death pits being gone entirely is a change that I really appreciate. I mean, yeah it had to be excised, because Lena only has one life. Health management is another one of those surprisingly robust mechanics that's nicely handled. The damage an average enemy is capable of inflicting might not be a lot, but it adds up when sources of healing are limited to those heart items and what's replenished after completing a stage. Let me just say that everything works well. All these elements click into place to create a very nice action-platformer.

The plain level-design and enemy placement keep the game from reaching the upper echelons of the Super Nintendo library. Most stages are just a flat surface to run across, with a few platforms scattered around, and are populated by two types of enemies. I suppose this is where the in-depth subsystems conflict with the moment-to-moment action. Keeping all the aforementioned elements in place apparently meant that some risks couldn't be afforded. Still, it would've been nice to see more inventive stages that really push its players. The Crystal Pillar stage, with its spiked floors and rising platforms, represents more of what I would've liked to have seen out of the level-design.

I believe that Super Valis IV is an underrated entry in the series. Presentation-wise, it's a noticeable step back from the PCE-CD and even Mega Drive releases, but the game delivers where it matters most. I was in an almost constant state of pleasant surprise during my playthroughs. There are a lot of unique qualities here, yet none of them feel out of place or half-baked. I wish the developer had gone further, but it was the early 90s, and they likely had mere months to get something out the door. Still, what they accomplished is pretty impressive. Also, I can't emphasize this enough, having difficulty that feels earned instead of just "you brought the wrong subweapon to the final boss, idiot!" adds so much value to the game.

Playstation 2 Look - Onimusha: Blade Warriors

During the 3D fighter heyday of the mid 90s to early 00s, you were guaranteed to end up with a game that locked away half or more of its roster, requiring playthroughs of the Story or Quest or Mission or Whatever mode to unlock everyone. It didn't matter if your favorite publisher was Namco, Capcom, Konami, Sega, SNK, Nintendo, or Takara. They all had one or a dozen games where one could burn the hours away unlocking characters, costumes, or a gazillion other things. I can see why some would find it annoying, especially in the competitive scene. Like most other games, the budgets for fighters have increased a thousand-fold, so season-passes and purchasable costumes are the new normal. 

Capcom's Onimusha: Blade Warriors was one of the many unlockable-driven games released during this forgotten era. Normally with fighters like these, I don't put them down until I've acquired all of the juicy content. However, this couldn't maintain my interest for very long. If you want the short answer, I'll give it to you right now: It's repetitive, has a very dull sense of progression, and its characters are as interesting and diverse as a stack of blank paper. Fans of long answers are welcome to stick around for the rest of the review.

Instead of anything that could be considered traditional, Blade Warriors opts for the Platform Fighter subgenre. However, instead of just having Samanosuke Akechi smash Nobunaga Oda offscreen and into oblivion, the direction is distinctly Onimusha. Its combat mechanics revolve around short & simple combos, kicks to break through defenses, and absorbing souls to gain power or win a match. Most importantly, there's the technique known as issen. When an enemy is about to swing their weapon, there's a small opportunity for you to hit the attack button and perform a critical counter. In a blinding flash, your chosen hero will rush through the opposition and deal incredible damage. Alternatively, if you tap the guard button at the right moment, you'll deflect the enemy's attack, leaving them wide open for issen. The defensive option is the safer one, but if you're guarding too much, you're going to get kicked and then hit with a combo. The developer did a fine job bringing rock-paper-scissors to a 4-person fighting game. 

The movement is also quite good. Each arena has multiple floors, and combatants can freely jump between them by double-tapping up or down. It is often necessary to maneuver around the opposition, especially if you're attempting to charge up an attack or trying to open a treasure chest. Allowing one's back to face the enemy is not a great idea, but guarding works no matter which direction an attack is coming from. This also means you can't get crossed-up by jump-ins, and it's nice to have one less thing to worry about. You can also quickstep by entering the "ready" stance (R1) and tapping a direction; great for getting behind someone. The ready stance has a couple of other abilities tied to it, but you can learn about those and more in the tutorial.

When the battlefield is plunged into chaos, you're certain to see plenty of souls floating about. Holding the circle button absorbs them. Red gives Experience, Yellow replenishes HP, and those are the most common of the bunch. Flashing souls are "Victory Souls". Sometimes a certain number of them are required to win a battle, otherwise they're currency. Also, grab magic orbs anytime you see them, if only to keep them out of the opposition's hands. These enable magic attacks that can ruin anyone's day. 

If two or more combatants are trying to absorb souls, priority is given to whomever pressed the circle button first and/or is closest. At least, that's the impression I get. It's a workable system but can be frustrating when battling the CPU. I'm not going to pretend to understand how this game functions in a bout between actual players. All of my experience was in the Story and Versus (CPU) modes. My issue with the system is that it often favors the opposition. When I defeat an enemy and some souls appear from its corpse, I'm going to be stuck in my attack's recovery frames while everyone else is free to absorb the souls. This often leads into scenarios where I'm faced with a tough opponent made even tougher because they keep lucking into magic orbs. 

Story Mode is divided into 10 chapters. Think of them as 10 battles, each taking between 1 & 3 minutes to complete. There are also five difficulty settings, though you should probably start on easy or normal and work your way up. This is because a large part of the game is spent building one's abilities. Experience souls are spent on upgrades to attack, defense, and magic. Weapons and items can also be obtained by fulfilling certain conditions. It sounds like something that should be engaging... except it isn't. Several weapons are obtained from the Phantom Realm, which is a series of ten battles against various enemies & bosses. Spending 1/2 to 2/3rds of the story in the same location gets to be very mind-numbing. I actually really like some of the other locales. The "papercraft ship" arena is especially nice. Problem is that I can't unlock everything unless I spend absurd amounts of time in the ugly Phantom Realm.

Your route through the story is determined by the human or demon you've decided to play as. Humans face bosses such as Jujudormah and Gogandentess while Demons battle it out with the likes of Ekei and Oyu. It's a neat concept that falls apart almost instantly due to a complete lack of story. This is supposed to be a canon game aimed squarely at Onimusha fans, yet there aren't any interesting cutscenes or fun endings. The incentives to play through each character's story are limited to getting stronger and unlocking stuff. This is something that I might've been able to tolerate. I mean, Marvel Vs Capcom 2 didn't have character-specific endings or anything of that sort but replaying it over and over is always a blast due to the huge variety of characters and possible team combinations.

Something I probably could've mentioned earlier in this review is how strange it is that Onimusha: Blade Warriors has a tutorial mode, but no training mode. The reason for that is quite simple: everyone has practically the same moves. Now I'm not going to say that everyone plays the same, because that's obviously not the case. Each fighter has attacks that vary in speed, range, and timing. The grunt for example has a combo string that's two quick strikes, then a third that takes forever to come out, making him extremely susceptible to issen. Marcellus has long reach, but every attack is slow, so even if he doesn't whiff, he can still be countered. In order for this game to maintain its identity, the roster had to be limited to a universal move-set. 

Having a couple dozen characters with hardly anything to differentiate them makes this a pretty unexciting game. Did it have to be this way? Well... probably. I mean, it wouldn't be right to make an Onimusha only to leave out its defining mechanic. I just don't see how the final result could end up being so unimaginative. There are only so many ways to play rock-paper-scissors. With hardly any unique moves to work with, the deepest it can get it is Acchi Muite Hoi. 

I get the feeling that a lot of corners were cut to get a game made with a nothing budget, and the unlockables were purposefully stretched out to create "content". Seriously, there's no reason that I should be carrying the worst fighters through the Phantom Realm multiple times just to potentially unlock somebody cool. Even then, the most I'd have to look forward to is the slightest possible variation on a standard combo, or if I'm lucky, an uppercut that sends the opponent flying backwards instead of straight up. 

Granted, that all depends on whether or not I still have any remaining sanity after the constant fights with Nobunaga Oda. This is one obnoxious final boss, and it's all because of his arena. The top floor is packed with fire breathing statues, the bottom floor is a conveyor belt with a health-draining poison pool in the center. There's hardly any place to stand let alone fight. Also, without fail, a random enemy will get drawn into the pool and killed, giving the demon lord a free source of magic orbs. Abysmal.

Onimusha: Blade Warriors is one of those games where I can't fault its core gameplay too much. Everything works as it should, and a lot of thought went into adapting its mechanics in an interesting way. That's it. No really, that's it. There's nothing else. All it had to keep me playing is a (admittedly long) string of unlockable shit. The instant I lost interest was the instant the game ceased to exist. 

Still cost me 7 or 8 hours of my time. Oh well.

2026 Special - The Pirates of Dark Water

Since the TV series was all but guaranteed to end prematurely, two The Pirates of Dark Water games were released on the Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo. Essentially, this side-scrolling platformer is the second part of a series-finale. Ren, Tula, and Ioz must locate the remaining six Treasures of Rule to end the Dark Dweller's reign over Mer. I say remaining six, because the SNES beatemup had its players hunting seven treasures, and there are thirteen in all. It's kind-of neat to see a show I remember enjoying get some closure. 

The Genesis game is just OK. Early on, I was tempted to go so far as to call it a perfect rental, but the more I played, the lower that rating fell. Let's be real here, "a perfect rental" is already a backhanded compliment. A game only good enough to last a weekend isn't exactly aspirational. If you're at least half as boring as I am, you could argue that a perfect rental deserves to be revisited, for at least one more weekend. That's a fair point to make. However, the point I'm already fumbling is that this rental gets a rating of "Well, at least I don't have to play Sonic The Hedgehog 1 for the millionth time." If you have to ask what a rental is, then I can only wonder how you found this blog in the first place. 

While still far shorter than the typical RPG, The Pirates of Dark Water for your blast-processing console clocks in at a meaty two or so hours. The hostile lands of Mer are divided into several stages, which are broken up further into multiple areas, all of which containing the hallmarks of the 16-bit era. You've got moving platforms, respawning enemies, items inside of breakable objects, false walls that hide 1ups, and the vaguely open-ended level-design that was in every platformer from Aero the Acrobat to Zool: Ninja of the Nth Dimension. There are some hack & slash elements as well, no doubt familiar to anyone who has played Cadash, Blades of Vengeance, Chakan: The Forever Man, and so on and etcetera. Look, it was the 1990s, and everybody was cribbing each other.

The map screen gives the vague impression that this is a "choose your destination" affair, but 90% of the time it's already been decided. Still, it provides appreciable context to the hostile lands you'll be exploring. Niddler gives an explanation of what you are to do in each location, but mostly it comes down to moving from one end of the stage to the next. Just keep in mind whenever words like keys or coins are mentioned. Keys are self-explanatory while coins are often required to get past some NPCs. The game is generally good about placing these essential items on the main path or in side-areas that are easy to locate. Each stage is also reasonable in size and scope. Most shouldn't take more than 10 minutes to complete and feature little in terms of backtracking or excessive puzzle-solving. 

Early on, this game shows a remarkable level of restraint, especially considering the rental market at the time. Fall damage is very real, but considerably less punishing than one would expect. If your chosen hero should miss a jump and fall for some time, they'll hit the ground with a sickening thud... only to respawn next to where they missed their last jump. It's seriously a wonderful feature in areas that are heavily vertical, since it means less time spent retracing steps and retrying jumps. These falls cost health, but it's hardly enough to matter. Same goes for bottom-less pits. Falling into the eternal abyss costs almost as much health as getting poked with a sword. Oh, and don't fret too much about death. Provided there are extras in stock, you'll be placed at or next to where you lost your previous life.

Since the 2026 Special is focused on the women of side-scrolling games, let's take a glance at Tula's abilities. She's an Ecomancer, which basically just means "fires a projectile spell". Ren throws daggers and Ioz has a bow, so it's just three flavors that all taste like vanilla. What makes this lady special is her somersault. Hitting the jump button a second time while in the air does a flip that moves quickly and can knock out midair enemies. It's a neat bit of movement tech, entirely optional but fun to experiment with. Don't bother using it during platforming sections though. Jumping across gaps is already a little troublesome, and trying to incorporate the somersault will result in overshooting the intended landing point.

Since I'm on the subject, I must emphasize that getting across pits and the like is more finicky than I expected. The game doesn't expect players to complete a long series of difficult jumps, but it also doesn't seem to care if something goes wrong with what should be a simple A to B leap. On average, you'll land 85% of the jumps you make. This might not be too bad early on, but that's because the penalty for a miss is a few shavings of health. Platforming becomes a serious nuisance when there's a 15% chance of instant death. 

The Pirates of Dark Water approaches difficulty in a way that I absolutely dislike. One would assume the difference between the early-game and the late-game is that the latter would feature level-design that's very complex, with more obstacles to avoid and tougher adversaries to battle. This game doesn't really adhere to such a standard. Instead, what seems to be the case is that the heroic trio gets weaker. I don't want to take away from the importance of the Dark Water, as it's the only real case of instant death in the game, and makes frequent appearances in the second half. However, I also can't ignore how enemies in the later stages do comically large amounts of damage, often enough to kill in three or four hits. It doesn't feel like enough has changed to warrant such a "dramatic" increase in difficulty. 

Yeah, even if pirates and monsters do far more damage, the game really isn't that much harder. Thorough players have likely built up a massive stack of consumables and extra lives that they never had a reason to use. Bosses are also among the weakest I've seen in the genre. Once you figure out their weird hitboxes, all you're left with are four guys who run (or jump) from one side of the screen to the other. The Dark Dweller itself is a gimmick that takes a couple of moments to figure out and is only stretched out by the copious projectile vomit and moving platforms.

I suppose my biggest complaint with this entry in The Pirates of Dark Water saga is just how repetitive it gets. Occasionally, there will be a stage that does something interesting or has a cool visual effect, but nothing significant ever seems to occur. The difference between stages mostly comes down to damage output. It's the sort of banality that crops up so often in modern games, particularly open-worlds that depend on level-scaling to retain a sense of challenge. My second biggest complaint is the music. Absolute shame when a game that looks pretty nice is accompanied by a largely mediocre soundtrack. Sonic The Hedgehog 1 is still an enjoyable listen after a million playthroughs. This? Not so much. 

One other thing, having a ton in common with every other 16-bit game but not doing nearly enough to stand out is pretty rough. I know it was the style at the time, but damn. 

"Oh my god."

Playstation 2 Look - Blood Will Tell

Throughout the years, there have been a handful of Dororo adaptations. Osamu Tezuka's manga tells the story of Hyakkimaru, a man who must destroy 48 demons to recover his stolen body parts. Along for the ride is Dororo. She befriends the samurai, using her talents as a thief and ninja to assist him in his quest. Naturally, the duo has many adventures throughout feudal Japan, often culminating in a fierce battle with one or more of the 48 fiends. Today's look is at the sole video game based on the property. Developed by Red Entertainment and published by Sega, Blood Will Tell is a remarkably solid action-adventure. I'd even go as far to argue that the critics of yesteryear might've taken it for granted. 

I can't lie; there is a growing nostalgia for the sixth generation of game consoles that I'm unable to combat. Maybe I find comfort in the familiar. Perhaps I have a fondness for the days when not everything had to be a Souls-like. It's entirely possible that I want unpolished yet ambitious gems by developers that were actually allowed to take risks. If it means having to deal with annoyances such as a less-than-ideal camera and occasionally janky platforming, then sure, lay it all on me. Well, maybe not *all* of it. I'm trying to be at least semi-selective, because my patience for another Evergrace or Eternal Ring died decades ago.

Back to the subject at hand, Blood Will Tell divides the 48-Fiend hunt into seven chapters. They're often episodic, as the samurai and thief work together to solve a mystery or prevent a catastrophe. Each chapter will contain multiple encounters with Fiends. Some are fought as part of the story while others are hiding underneath suspicious objects. Once a chapter is completed, then its free mode is made available. This allows for the heroes to freely explore, potentially unearthing Fiends they might've missed or were unable to reach. 

First-timer players might need a little time to adjust to Hyakkimaru's movement and fighting style. This is by design, since in the beginning his body is almost entirely prosthetics. He's absolutely built for combat, just lacking in strength and stability. As such, several of his attacks rely on an acrobatic form that involves lots of flips, spins, and multi-hit strikes. The slightest bit of damage will send him flying into the dirt. An introductory chapter covers the basics of combat, with everything else being "learn as you go." 

For the minions that wander each area, you'll want to focus on crowd control. A simple square, triangle combo knocks down practically anything that breathes. If enemies group up, then consider taking a step back to lure one or two of them away. Alternatively, blast them away with your arm gun or leg cannon. The lack of range in Hyakkimaru's melee attacks is a source of early game frustration, but he's mobile enough for hit & run tactics. His jumping attack in particular is going to see a lot of use. Besides the obvious benefit of knocking aerial adversaries out of the sky, it shreds tons of bosses, all without leaving the samurai opponent to counterattack.

Including the 48 fiends, there are over 50 bosses to do battle with. Red Entertainment deserves a ton of credit for being able to cram so many unique encounters into a single game. That said, there tends to be quantity over quality. Some fiends are clones with additional moves, and almost all of them are defeated using basic strategies. I can't say that I mind any of that. The flow of boss encounters reminds me heavily of Action-RPGs from the 16-bit days, just with a different perspective. Keep an eye on the boss, watch for tells, and get out of the way when they perform one of their attacks. Even though several fiends are entirely undone by jumping attack spam, I was always locked-in and enjoying myself.

In fairness, my appreciation for fiends could also be attributed to what occurs after they're slain. One of Hyakkimaru's 48 body parts is returned to him, and it always looks excruciating. Those stat-boosts and ability upgrades though. I'll be damned if they don't set my neurons alight. No matter what happens during the battle itself, there's always something to look forward to. Besides the obvious benefits like more attack power and a longer health meter, improved stats allow the samurai to flinch less when taking damage, perform more complex combo strings, and carry more life-saving medicine. By the way, acquiring a "stock" of medicine involves finding 100 green bits. They're everywhere, serving as indicators of where the protagonist should head next. Blood Will Tell leans into its "gaminess" quite a lot, and it's so endearing.

The multiple quirks that define early game combat begin to melt away as the hero recovers his stolen limbs. With an actual left leg, he can dash and recover from damage without hitting the ground. Later on, he'll get his left arm, allowing him to use both sword and sword arm at the same time. Oh damn! I completely forgot to mention that the samurai uses a sword. Early on, this doesn't matter a whole lot, since sword-arms level up with frequent usage, but there is late-game mechanic that I have to mention. Charged attacks open enemies up to a QTE combo. The longer the string, the better the potential rewards. Some of the best swords in the game are rare drops, so practice getting 20+ hit combos as often as you're able to. There's one in particular that I don't know the name of, but it makes QTE combos much easier to perform. You might want to look for it, even if you only use it once in the entire adventure.

Seeing as how I'm already forgetting things, I should take a moment to address the person I've nearly forgotten about. Dororo is the other playable character. Though the bulk of her gameplay is found in the "story mode", she's still a full-fledged heroine with unique attacks and abilities. Instead of a sword, she relies on punches, kicks, and a flying headbutt that always stuns. Her "missions" usually involve information gathering or helping others while Hyakkimaru is occupied with another task. These tend to require platforming and puzzle-solving, as well as the occasional usage of gadgets. Dororo is basically a ninja, which adds a unique flair to her side of the story. There isn't as much combat, but defeated foes will often drop HP-up hearts, which are always nice to have. 

Blood Will Tell frequently explores unique concepts with the two-person dynamic they've created. In one chapter, Hyakkimaru and Dororo move in separate directions but with the same goal in mind: defeat a fiend the size of a mountain. While the samurai contends with various fiends, the thief must avoid giant roots and falling meteors. In another instance, Dororo must enter a temple through its roof while avoiding the many demons defending it. This actually has a time-limit, and I could feel the tension building when I was down to my last minute and had just gotten knocked off of the roof. These and other missions are engaging, even if they're not always memorable. Though I'll admit that I didn't make time for the "Dororo Mode" that unlocks after completing the story. Scavenger hunts aren't really my thing and knocking over objects for treasure while a timer ticks down just doesn't seem all that appealing. 

I'm pretty sure I mentioned a less-than-ideal camera and occasionally janky platforming earlier, but yeah those are two issues that the game struggles with. I can't get too annoyed with the platforming, since falls into bottomless pits or spikes take away a sliver of health. Most camera issues occur during boss battles, and I'm willing to bet that there's a button to disengage the "boss camera" that's enabled by default. If there is, then shame on me for being a stubborn dolt. In any case, I wouldn't consider either problem to be anything serious, at least for 99% of the game.

Predictably, it's time to discuss the 1% of Blood Will Tell where everything matters and gets pretty annoying. The Final Fiend is a bit excessive. There are four phases to contend with, and each requires a little puzzle solving. Failing to do exactly what is expected results in Hyakkimaru taking damage, which adds up quickly when the few sources of healing are scattered onigiri. Don't even attempt this fight unless you have three stocks of medicine, and that "Easy QTE" sword mentioned earlier. The final phase requires players to land a 48-hit combo. A single flubbed input won't lead to game over, but it's probably the last thing you want to see after the ridiculous third phase. This is the phase where all those minor camera and platforming issues congeal into the game's lowest point. I never did figure out how to keep the boss's giant tail-hand from grabbing the samurai and tossing him into a giant laser. 

A few minutes of misery is a small price to pay for a dozen hours of fun adventure. I know I keep mentioning their name, but Red Entertainment excelled in making this game their own creation. It's got a really distinct almost retro feel. I can see why critics at the time weren't too hot on it though. Blood Will Tell was released about six months after Ninja Gaiden. I don't intend to draw comparisons when I review games, but... I get it. 3D action saw some massive leaps in the early 2000s, which leaves this feeling dated. Retro, dated, whatever. Point is, I had a good time. 

2026 Special - Sword of Sodan

In order to keep my brain semi-functional, I often have bad games "on standby". Basically, if it looks like it'll be a long time until I can publish another review, I grab something short & shitty off the shelf to get some practice writing in. Writing is fun but going more than a couple of days without doing any is like... oh I don't know, forgetting how to shit. That sounds awfully extreme, but surely you can imagine staring at a blank screen for what feels like an eternity, wondering if you'll ever have a cohesive thought again. If I have to take a proverbial 30-minute tumble down the stairs to get my mind to work, then so be it. 

You might also be wondering if Sword of Sodan has some hidden quality to it that only a professional idiot like yours truly could discover. No. This is wet garbage in a bag that has already burst open and strewn disgusting filth all over the living room. There is no value to it whatsoever, not even as a learning experience. Worse, it's terrible in ways that are utterly unappealing. There's no bonkers localization packed with misspellings. You can't press against a wall for five seconds and get sent flying 100,000 miles into the air. This is grime that's impossible to derive enjoyment from. 

Before jumping into hell, you have to decide whether to be the hero or heroine. The only difference between the two is that the hero sucks ass. I mean, the heroine is lousy too, but at least her hurtbox is smaller... I think. Tempting as it may be to revisit the game multiple times over and critically analyze its every aspect, I'll stick with my assumption. In any case, there are seven stages between you and a climatic encounter with a wizard. Any single one of them is a contender for worst stage to ever appear in a game, so there's a lot to look forward to.

Getting acclimated to the controls will take more time than a reasonable person is willing to give. Press right and left to shuffle forward and backwards. Anyone wishing to turn around must hold the d-pad in the direction they wish to face and press the B or C button. Since B is the jump button, it means that jumping backwards is impossible. Press C to attack. Holding up or down allows the heroine to perform an overhead slash or crouch and stab. Learn them quickly, because they'll see the most use in your adventure.

Pausing the game opens the potion menu. Well, it's not really a menu, just a hand that pops up and lets you choose which potion(s) you'd like to use. There are four different potions to collect from fresh corpses, though only four can be carried at a time. You can combine two and create a special brew. Red + Clear grants an extra life. Blue + Clear gives the heroine a temporary shield. Yellow + Red sets your sword aflame, increasing its damage temporarily. Alternatively, you can drink red potions to increase your strength or blue potions to replenish health. I admit, this system is actually solid. Keeping a Blue + Clear on hand for the obstacle courses in stages 2 and 6 might save a life. 

A thoughtful potion system and some cool warping effects are two of the three things Sword of Sodan has going for it. The third is spending stage one stabbing spearmen in the crotch... and that's it. Violence was one of this game's selling points, and you get to enact quite a lot on every member in the vicinity. However, unless you've sipped a red potion or two, you'll discover that dicks as well as the pricks they're attached to are awfully durable. However, you'll need the extra lives for later, since the game loves stealing them. 

Case in point: Stage 2. Instead of level-design, this game opts for whatever creates the most miserable experience. The entire road is filled with spear-traps. There isn't a safe place to stand, and the stiff controls ensure you'll be taking tons of damage. Predictably, enemies aren't affected by traps. If there's a plus, then it's that this is the last appearance of spearmen. They're replaced by guys-with-axes in stage 3. You'll also face giants, who can only be struck with overhead slashes. These huge jerks have a ridiculous hurtbox. Swinging at their largely unprotected legs accomplishes nothing. You have to practically jump on top of them and hope to land a hit. Speaking of, I probably should've mentioned sooner that attacking while in mid-air is impossible. Yeesh. This freakin' game...

Stage 4 marks the beginning of hate. There's just one enemy, and it's a zombie. Strike it down and it'll just form into balls of light and counterattack. 99 times out of 10, the heroine is not going to be in any position to jump these projectiles. Since they aren't "fresh corpses", zombies don't drop potions, and it's impossible to jump over the shambling assholes. Any contact whatsoever drains life, making this an entirely tedious ordeal. It's followed up with a ridiculous fifth stage, which consists entirely of giants and hidden pitfalls. The only indicator that there's a pit is a slight discoloration on the ground. This is one of those times where it's really quite easy to get stuck and lose every life. You have to be in a specific spot to hit the giant, and if that spot is a pit, then too bad. Consider it your punishment for sticking with the game for this long. 

Your respite is the beginning of stage 6. Take advantage of the flying demons to replenish all of the lives you lost in the previous nightmares. Afterwards, the heroine is tossed into an obstacle course. Jump over fireballs while avoiding crushing walls and giant spikes. This is followed up with a moving platform section, because of course. Expect to lose all of the lives you just recovered and potentially more from getting crushed, impaled, or lava-ed. It's sick. That's all it is. Whether it's insanity or save-states, you'll eventually contend with a final boss that takes far, far too many hits. 

Sword of Sodan is beyond unfun. It takes positive emotions and sets them on fire. The instant you look past large fellows getting decapitated, you're left with an abomination that plays, looks, and sounds like complete shit. Only play this if you're just like me and have made a lifetime of bad decisions.

"Oh my god."

Playstation 2 Look - Shining Force Neo

Looking back at my glowing review for Shining Force EXA, the thought occurred to me that perhaps I wasn't appreciative enough. Granted, it heavily reuses assets that were introduced in Neverland's previous foray into the world of Shining Force, but a good game is more than just that. It's the arrangement of those assets, the tricky balance of juggling multiple character-building currencies, and creating scenarios that keep players not just engaged but having fun. Let's be real here, engagement and entertainment are very different from each other. Engagement is the sunk cost fallacy. Continuing to invest all of one's time and resources into something that brings them no joy, simply because they've invested so much already. That's how Shining Force Neo functions. It starts off generously, giving you the special feelings that can only come from watching numbers rise into the thousands and beyond. However, the more time you give it, what once felt like a refreshing waterfall has become a leaky rusted faucet. 

Much like Neverland's other Action-RPGs, this relies on a handful of subsystems to determine the protagonist's level of power. Max is the typical heroic type who has family problems, a childhood friend that he's all but guaranteed to marry, a strong sense of justice, etc. He's also unique in the sense that he isn't just some guy who swings swords really well. I mean, he can be if you build him that way, but maybe you have a preferred job for him, such as mage or archer. This is, of course a departure from EXA, which split the fighter and mage into two different characters. Here, you can master specific abilities to become the greatest warrior, wizard, or whatever you feel is necessary for the next battle. There is a sense of fluidity to your build, often dictated by whatever you're facing. Enemies tend to focus on either physical attacks or magical spells, and there are strategies for dealing with both. 

The hero's level is only a small part of their strength, so again you'll have to rely on mythril to purchase all of the boosts to attack power, maximum HP, spell resistance, and those all-important -killers. In this game however, the chunks of ore you come across are referred to as energy. They're what remains of the gates that Legions (bug-like creatures) use to send monsters from their dimension to practically anywhere in the Shining Force multiverse. These monster gates are placed throughout each map. You destroy the nearby foes to weaken the gate's shield, then eliminate the gate itself to receive energy, equipment, and force arts. Force Arts are basically the monoliths from the other Neverland games I've already covered, except they're carried in your inventory. Bring them to a strange individual at your base to learn new abilities and strengthen existing ones. 

I'm not sure why the game went with energy instead of mythril. Maybe it's a half-assed justification for not having deposits of the stuff everywhere that you look. This energy is so scarce that pretty much the only way to acquire any is from interdimensional portals or stuffed in the nether regions of some fiend that traveled through them. Mainly what I'm saying here is that the energy economy is horseshit. It's not uncommon for Max and his compatriots to slay 30+ monsters, close a gate, and get rewarded with pebbles. If you're trying to build up a specific ability, then you have to farm gates. 

Each area that you'll be exploring tends to offer little in the way of unique circumstances or worthwhile treasures. To put it another way, if you've ever played a dungeon crawler that's a deluge of mazes, hallways, random encounters, and naught else, then Shining Force Neo is the button-bashing equivalent. Instead of finding anything unique or inventive, you'll be treated to monster gates, and more monster gates. When Shining Force Neo actually tries something different, it's like getting snapped out of a stupor, but it never lasts for more than a moment or two. If it's not a gate, then it's a boss monster. Several bosses tend to be invulnerable until all nearby mobs are defeated. EXA does something similar but isn't foolish enough to spawn dozens of fiends to waste the player's time. 

With all the gear that you're selling, you'd think something could be done with the hefty wad of cash in your bank account. Well, if you're willing to part with a couple million, then you can upgrade your equipment... once. With as much Max is paying him, the blacksmith could put the entire world's population through Shining University and build a continent out of gold. I don't want to turn this review into just "look how much better EXA is!" but some points must be continually hammered. It shouldn't cost three million to bring a sword from +4 to +5. That doesn't make any sense no matter how fucked the economy is.

Eventually, you're going to start hitting points where the enemies are hitting a little too hard, and it's not because you took a wrong turn and arrived in an optional endgame area. This is where the game becomes an ugly grind. Whether or not we're willing to admit it, all Action RPGs are a grind. What makes the grind ugly is when you have to leave a floor, re-enter it, and kill all of the monsters that respawned. I did a lot of ugly grinding back when I was deep into Diablo 2 and Phantasy Star Online, but at least those games had rare drops or other niceties to flick my "hell yeah!" switch. What does Shining Force Neo have? Mostly useless equipment, completely useless cash, and miniscule crumbs of not-mythril. Oh, but first I have to slay three respawning armies. 

As for Max, he's lost somewhere in the desert with his girlfriend and some guy named Rhinos. In one direction there are eight schools of fire-spitting seagulls. In the other? An endless fountain of sandworms. It costs half a bar of MP just to erase some of these mobs, and the 100k that was sunk into MP generation hasn't made a difference. I feel bad leaving them there, but I'm at my limit. Real shame too, since clearly a lot of effort was put into the character work. The script is decently schlocky and voiced by all-star voice actors putting in great work. Unfortunately, everybody is trapped in a bad game. Perhaps the first couple hours are fine, but it dips to mediocre, then in-offensive, then intolerable. I imagine that if I actually managed to finish Shining Force Neo, I'd be reduced to an inescapable void of misery, and I'd at least like to pretend that I'm not already there.

Playstation 2 Look - Shining Force EXA

Today's entry in the Neverland saga is none other than Shining Force EXA. As you might recall, not even a year ago I covered their Dreamcast Action RPG, Record of Lodoss War. My exact words to describe it were "unbelievably addictive". No game about the world's least interesting man exploring a large featureless world should've stolen 15+ hours of my life away. Unfortunately for myself, Neverland has the secret recipe. During the Playstation 2 years, they'd get a couple opportunities to iterate on it. EXA carried over everything that made their previous game worked, added a bunch of new mechanics, and gave it the most shonen-ass storyline. I'll go ahead and say it: this is believably addictive.

The most shonen-ass storyline involves a hot-blooded young man named Toma. Him and his crew are hunting Shining Force. It's a legendary sword, said to grant kingly powers to whomever can pull it from its resting place. Take a wild guess on who the sword chooses. With sword on wrist, Toma's Arthurian-esque adventure involves more than just battering the nearby orcs, it means resealing an ultimate darkness. The nations of Noswald and Fyrlandt have never been on the best of terms, and their rulers' attempts at gaining control of Shining Force will lead to war, and the revival of a world-destroying fiend. It's a lot to handle, but at least Toma now has a sweet base of operations called the Geo-Fortress.

Also, he's not alone. Alongside his companions is Cyrille. She's a young woman skilled in the ways of magic and mystery. You could even go as far to say that she's enigmatic to a fault. Both her and Toma must sort out their communication issues and learn to place their faith in each other. In a rare spin on the Action RPG, that sweet base they're hanging out in can't protect itself. While one character goes exploring for the necessary materials to upgrade the Geo-Fortress, the other will defend it from invaders. 

The first time I played Shining Force EXA was either 2008 or 2009. In that initial playthrough, I had Toma handle the bulk of the adventuring, while Cyrille held down the fort. This was partly due to familiarity, since EXA carries over many of the same progression mechanics that defined Record of Lodoss War. While characters earn experience and level up, the nominal gains aren't enough to keep up with the increasingly dangerous hordes. Mythril, the same crystalline goodness that turned a no-name shmuck into a god killer, is found throughout the world of EXA. Collect it, refine it, and launch stats into the stratosphere. Monoliths located in the wilderness or the deepest depths contain new rune arts for both protags to learn. The game is divided into 15 chapters, or 15 story dungeons, but you're heavily incentivized to take detours. Unlike its predecessor, this game is much more likely to tell you when you're heading towards a location that might be out of your league. Don't worry, whatever might've killed you in a single hit early on will itself die in one hit after you've taken the time to build your abilities.

For Toma, being king isn't enough. He has to be able to slay gods. This is where taking the time to clear out Ancient Arenas and other optional locales starts paying off. Many arenas contain -killer abilities to learn. Level them up to gain a % damage bonus against a certain type of enemy. At first, the most you'll be doing is killing orcs in a single hit instead of... a single hit. Continue investing though, and you'll notice that the effects of multiple -killer abilities will combine. Let's say that you run into a giant dragon that's wearing armor and holding a sword. What should've been a force to be reckoned with is actually weak to at least four different -killers. By the end of the game, yours, mine, and everybody else's Toma is going to be doing millions of damage with every weapon swing.

If you don't mind me getting sidetracked for a second, I have to point out that the gameplay loop is exceptionally satisfying. Sure, it boils down to running through dungeons, crushing all opposition, then warping back to the fortress to exchange useless equipment for cash or mythril. What makes this setup work for me is its agency. Instead of just filling one experience bar, I have several ability bars to fill. Several of them also unlock a new tier once they're maxed out, creating more investment opportunities for my mythril. A good weapon can lead to exponential damage increases, so there's also the allure of getting a rare drop. Most importantly though, I appreciate that there's an actual end. Once the substantial postgame content is finished, then that's it. The end. There's actually a sense of finality to work towards instead of an infinite supply of parallel dungeons or whatever the post-post-postgame is called in titles like Diablo 3, Torchlight 2, or any other Action RPG made after 2010. I'm satisfied with doing millions of damage. I couldn't give less of a shit about billions or trillions.

Oh, Cyrille. My apologies ma'am, I nearly forgot that you're still here. It's not that I don't appreciate your contributions. It's just... well... let's try to break it down a little. While Toma is out in the world mashing foes under the sheer weight of ginormous numbers, Cyrille is drumming her fingers and waiting for the next invasion. These defense missions occur on a frequent enough basis and are generally forgiving enough, so that you don't have to be a master tactician to keep your photon converters or whatever they're called protected. Mythril is shared between both heroes, and Cyrille can also build up her strength in randomly generated "training" dungeons. Lastly, other non-playable companions can assist in battle, and they're no slouches either. Gadfort makes a heck of a tank, Maebelle snipes and heals, Amitalri has spells that'll shread, etc. 

However, even as I allowed Cyrille to take the lead in my second playthrough of Shining Force EXA, I still thought that she lacked the capacity for god-slaying. To her credit, she's an absolute demon in defense missions, with fire and ice spells that'll cover the screen in army flattening mayhem. The problem is that her spells don't benefit from the -killers. As much as I think she deserves it, Cyrille isn't getting a fireball that does a few million damage. The only way she can make use of these, and other weapon-based skills is if she's wielding a crossbow. Shame the crossbow isn't much good. It really needed a consistent spread shot, rapid fire, or some other secret sauce to make it as viable as a spell, let alone the hunk of metal Toma is swinging that kills huge samurai zombies in an instant.  Maybe there's a secret to the heroine's full potential that I'm missing, but she can still wipe a battlefield clean with the snap of a finger, so I guess it doesn't matter in the long run.

In spite of its age, I believe that Shining Force EXA's moment-to-moment action is still pretty solid. There's something about the screen absolutely cluttered with bodies getting bodied that hits me where the sertralin can't quite reach. The fact that enemy corpses can be juggled for another second or two is the kind of visceral rawness I like to see in all games, even racers. Yes, it's quite possible for either character to get lost in the chaos, especially during defense missions, but I don't mind it a bit. Death usually comes in the form of "You're not supposed to be here yet." rather than the knife in the back nobody could've seen. 

The short review is that this is Record of Lodoss War, but better in every way. Having characters that are interesting and worth caring about goes a long way. The improved mechanics and better world-design are also immensely welcome. Plus, I think it's absolutely wonderful to have an Action RPG that can be shelved after 30 or so hours. There isn't this need to permanently attach myself to the hamster wheel, all in the hopes that a large enough number and a shiny enough rare will fill the countless voids within myself.

I assure you that this is what peak gaming looks like.