Super Nintendo Look - Sonic Blast Man

After choking down far too many minutes of Sonic Blast Man, I'm starting to wonder if I spent my entire life taking advantage of beatemups. Here is a genre that only works because of those willing to walk right up to some hot-blooded warrior and get punched in the face. Imagine if they were all blessed with a second brain cell, and decided "You know what? I'm tired of getting my face rearranged.". From then on, bad guys would only get close enough for their attacks to land. Either the good guys adapt to this stunning change in tactics or spend their remaining lives suffering endless humiliations. Sonic Blast Man must've chosen the latter. His very existence, which is punching things, collapses to dust the instant he walks towards something that doesn't want to be punched. I'm curious as to what Taito expected players to get out of this game. Was this supposed to be a deconstruction of the beatemup? Maybe I'm just mistaking genius for malice. 

In this brawler, players must overcome five episodes of belt-scrolling action. Let's get some of the positives out of the way early. Each episode is a self-contained stage that features a unique set of enemies. Early on, our hero cleans up the streets by pummeling every ne'er do well in sight. Next, he infiltrates a military base and crushes both a PMC as well as a kung fu brigade. The sewers are full of slimy mutants, so stage three is dedicated to clearing that mess up. Robots receive a generous helping of justice (via fists) in the following stage. Finally, there are some space aliens or something. The episodic progression is still distinct and interesting. It's hampered slightly by some enemies sharing uncommon attacks - like leaping offscreen just to land on top of the hero - but is otherwise not a huge deal.

In order to combat this menacing menagerie, Sonic Blast Man has to get close enough to punch them or even closer to initiate a grapple. A successful hit can be followed up with a series of identical punches, which is then followed by a grab. Hold up and press the attack button to launch the enemy. This also creates a wave that knocks down anyone in front of SBM. Holding forward + attack does a wind-up super punch. It's sort of the same thing. If another enemy is sneaking up from behind, then press down + attack for an overhead throw that'll kill two birds with one bird. Grappling sets the adversary up to be thrown aside (or punched) for a quick knockdown, or the player can opt for the punch combo & grab attack. Anyone at critical health is likely to be dizzy the next time they get up. This is the cue to go for a giant wheel that finishes them off. 

Essentially, success or failure hinges on whether our hero is able to reach someone. Most enemies are equipped to attack SBM from outside his reach. He'll eat a counterattack every time he misses a jab. Sounds fair, doesn't it? A beatemup's depth often comes from everything that leads to the punch. Here's where I question Sonic Blast Man's intentions. I'm willing to work within the limits placed on my avatar, but goddamn! He needed something besides miserable ineptitude. This superhero walks and I mean walks like he wants the shit kicked out of him. How a man with Sonic in his name manages to be so slow is bewildering. His jump provides a decent burst of speed, but then he's susceptible to a world of anti-airs. 

Another problem with this supposed superhero is that anyone halfway competent can manhandle him. It seriously doesn't take much. As early as stage 1, there are large dudes who do a solid job of staying just out of reach, only to throw out an instant belly flop with a mile-wide hitbox. Some of stage 4's robots have a charging attack that can't be interrupted, forcing players to approach in a very specific manner. I sort-of see the appeal, but combat gets tiring when every enemy displays this level of capability. The lack of healing items and extra lives is also very odd to see in a console brawler. It sets this expectation that players have to analyze and adapt to so many scenarios, yet the offensive options consist of meager punch, painful walk speed, and mediocre grab. Yes, different people worked on each game, but I can't understand how Taito goes from badass barbarian who slays hundreds of monsters, to badass robot ninjas that singlehandedly kill an entire army, to asshat superhero who dies in back alley fistfights. 

Honestly, I hate everything about Sonic Blast Man. I hate that he wears boxing gloves yet doesn't have a boxer's reach. I hate his bonus rounds that beat the crap out of my arcade stick. 30 revolutions a second to punch a giant crab and receive 5,000 points? Get the fuck out of here! His jump-kick is just the worst. Why is there a clock on his chest? He probably has some asshole catchphrase like "As you can see, villain. Your time is up!" Again, his whole schtick is punches, but he sucks at it. On purpose I bet! He's aware that his every move is being controlled by an otherworldly force, so he acts lethargic until they get discouraged and give up. That... that's fair. If I was in a game and somebody wanted to play me, I'd make their lives hell too. 

Like I said way back, playing this game has made me question my relationship with beatemups. I'm reminded of the time spent with Iron Commando, and how it had to be played in a way that's very deliberate and boring. Now, there are two games that do this, which smells like a pattern. I might be in the wrong, and most other brawlers were setting me up for failure. Nothing is owed. Bad guys don't exist to walk into the path of an oncoming fist. Every victory has to be earned, no matter how insignificant it might be.

...I'm sorry but these elaborate pranks are getting out of hand. The only reason that every adversary feels like Sheng Long is because I'm playing as King Loser Dork. Limiting the player's options until all they can do is walk or grab doesn't result in compelling entertainment. It stifles expression, treating every attempt to draw outside the lines as a punishable offense. Hopefully Sonic Blast Man 2 is better. 

The food is randomized. You might get a turkey that restores all of your health, or an apple that restores one punch's worth.

Super Nintendo Look - Xardion

Since I'm unable to discuss the Super Nintendo's early days without mentioning Xardion, it was only a matter of time until it received a proper blog post. I want to clear the air. My previous posts about ancient rentals gave the impression that Xardion has an infamous reputation. Well, perhaps it does, but not to me. I view it as a functional product; a 4 out of 10 that'll kill a couple of hours.  Players who don't know what else to do with themselves may uncover a compulsion to see this inoffensive sci-fi adventure through. 

Wait. You're still here? Does this mean I actually say something about the game? Ah hell. It's inoffensive! That one word says every- oh right. The way I use it is rather uncommon. Basically, inoffensive games are mundane, mediocre, or just plain bad. What sets them apart from the filth is that they're easy. Failing to prevent a galaxy-ending war just means getting kicked back to the map screen. There are nine stages in total, but hardly any of them take more than a couple of minutes to complete. However, replaying them is required, because each playable character starts at level pathetic. Grinding that first stage for experience and ammo/health refills is how every playthrough goes.

Mankind's fate rests in the hands (and paws) of Triton, Alcedes, and Panthera. Besides the one instance that requires his narrow body, Panthera can be safely ignored until the story decides to kill him off. Actually, I take that back. He can destroy those enemies placed very low to the ground in stage 2. Just don't expect results from his meager special weapons. Alcedes has a time-stop ability that's good for a few occasions but expect Triton to carry the trio through 80% of the adventure. He's the only decent boss-killer and can fire upwards. It doesn't hurt to spend at least a little time leveling everyone for the extra health though. 

No Xardion write-up is complete without a mention of the annoying platformer stage. It's a series of small platforms that are accompanied by moths and boomerang-tossing gremlins. Naturally, missing a jump or getting knocked off a ledge means restarting the stage. It's not nearly as bad as I remember. My most recent visits - as of less than a few hours ago - went restart-free. Having to go through it a second time just to get one part of the ultimate weapon is something I'd still dock points for. Maybe it was done because somebody drew a cool rose and the dev-team thought it'd be a waste if it didn't have any significance.

Goodnight, sweet Panthera.

The last 20% of the adventure is spent with the titular mech. Sadly, it means there's really not much to do besides grinding levels and assembling the ultimate weapon. I kind-of wish that bosses would respawn, just to see Xardion annihilate them. One positive is that final stage's tunnel maze is extremely easy. When the choice comes up, pick the center tunnel to arrive at the last boss. Another game would've tried to create something a little more complex, but not this one. All that levelling took up enough time anyway.

I'll conclude this post by stating that Xardion isn't terrible. It's not good, but I've tolerated much worse. Asmik could've tried putting out a standard action game, limited continues and all, only for me to despise its entire existence. Making 2/3rds of it a repetitive grind was actually the better decision. Annoying platformer stage aside, nothing about it provides a memory that lasts more than a few hours. Oh well. Being forgotten isn't really such a bad thing, at least from my perspective. 

Super Nintendo Look - World Heroes 2

Covering the Super Nintendo port of a Neo Geo fighting game probably isn't the greatest use of my time, but whatever. World Heroes 2 is damn good fun, and Saurus deserves commendation for their impressive work. Every character, every stage, and almost every move was squeezed into a 24-megabit cart. The port's additional features make up for the missing bonus rounds and not-so-amazing music. I also appreciate just how much of the arcade version's shenanigans were carried over. Dragon is still a cross-up machine. Failing to block J. Max's crouching jab could result in a fatal combo. Then there's Rasputin, who continues to bully the opposition with a Cossack dance mix-up. These and many other instances of the cheap stuff are probably why World Heroes 2 is lucky to appear on Mikado Game Center's stream more than a year, and they still run Fatal Fury Special tournaments like it's Street Fighter VI. I argue that it's all part of the charm. 

If I have to describe World Heroes to you, then it's only because this write-up needed some filler. Doc Brown invents time travel, and the first thing he does with it is put a bunch of legendary figures in a fighting tournament. In other words, someone really wanted to see who would win in a fight between Ryoko Tani and Erik the Red. Names were changed to protect legacies and keep ADK from eating a dozen lawsuits. Exclusive to this entry is the deathmatch mode. Instead of a traditional best of three bout, fighters share a seesaw health meter. Each hit you land will increase your share of the meter, and the same goes for your opponent. Whomever loses the entirety of their health is knocked down. They have until the count of 10 to get up. The majority of arenas also feature traps such as landmines or spike-walls. Players looking for a gimmick-free fight can stick to the usual story and versus modes. 

While this fighter has aged quite a lot, I think it's still very playable today. The 14 playable characters suit an extensive array of playstyles. There are plenty of unique moves to learn. Executing them is no trouble at all. Within seconds of choosing Muscle Power, I was nailing every standing 360 attempt. Reflecting fireballs with a well-timed block is a brilliant addition. Rather than eliminate zoning outright, it allows for potential. Several heroes can throw a slow projectile, move in to apply pressure, or see how their opponent reacts. Other unique characteristics make investing in a chosen fighter pretty rewarding. Ryoko has a roll for quickly getting into her opponent's business. Shura can't dash forward, but his back-dash is extremely quick. Even those who can't dash at all (M. Power & J. Max) have tools for closing distance. Though the game is still unbalanced as heck, a lot of work went into making everyone stand out. 

Plus, learning and applying the bullshit is still a lot of fun, especially in deathmatch mode. One arena has bombs placed on both sides. They take a few seconds to respawn after exploding. Rather than wait for that to happen, I try to push my opponent to the other side, preferably using some block-string that they can't easily counter. Another cool trick is manipulating buzzsaws so that they hit the same person repeatedly. Not to mention, slamming a hapless warrior onto a landmine is too good. Again, nothing here can be considered tournament-friendly, and I don't mind one bit. This game works as pure dumb entertainment. 

Even if we're not hurting for ways to play the arcade original in 2026, the Super Nintendo version is still a worthwhile venture. Besides playing remarkably well, it has an extremely useful feature. As soon as you start the game, run straight to the option menu and set the buttons to "SNES". This changes the number of attack buttons from two to four. Normally, if you wanted a light attack, you'd have to tap the button. Heavy attacks were performed by pressing the button down. Trust me, it's easier to have all four attacks readily available. One other notable addition is the speed setting. Compared to contemporaries like Hyper Fighting, World Heroes 2 has always been a little slow. This gives it a nice turbo boost.

As far as the enemy AI goes, I'd say that it's normal for 1994. Keep the difficulty setting at or slightly above 5 for a reasonably tough time. Don't even bother with 8. Instead of making the CPU an input-reading demon, Saurus tweaked the handicap, giving them ridiculous offense and defense. If you're seriously craving an unserious challenge, then just play the arcade game. Better yet, play Samurai Shodown 1. I still have nightmares about fighting CPU Nakoruru. 

There's nothing else to throw in here, so yeah. More people should try World Heroes 2. It's not Perfect (ha ha ha...) but it does have plenty of fun stuff to check out. 

Super Nintendo Look - Rushing Beat Shura

Something I learned from my experience with Rushing Beat Ran is that a lot can be forgiven if the feeling of dropping broken bodies onto pavement is perfect. As long as Wendy is putting fools to rest with her exquisite piledriver, any complaints I have about difficulty balance and overtuned bosses flutter off into space and evaporate. Funny how art can be so simple yet so complex; equal parts messy and elegant. Unfortunately, neither time nor this blog allows for meaningless meanderings about games that I've already covered. Today's look is at Rushing Beat Shura. Those familiar with botched localizations know it as The Peacekeepers, but I'm sticking with the original (fan-translated) game. While the western release doesn't do anything outrageous like turn every other stage into a maze, the cuts made to both the enemy roster and soundtrack are pretty shameful. Besides, you can never have too much Krummbach. 

One of the coincidences of the 16-bit era is that there are at least three brawlers that feature branching paths: Streets of Rage 3, Golden Axe 3, and this game. They just happened to be third entries in their respective series', too. Bit weird how that worked out. Anyway, I'm pretty sure what Jaleco did with their game is the most ambitious. Not only are there multiple routes, but some are accessed by destroying an object or defeating a boss in a certain amount of time. Also, if you can find certain NPCs, your chances of reaching the best ending will increase. Throw in a couple of secret characters, as well as unique bosses that aren't fought anywhere else, and the result is one big intertwining adventure. 

Since Wendy decided to sit this game out, I'm left scrambling for someone to fill the void she left behind. Unfortunately, none of the six playable characters provide as immaculate a blend of speed and power. Kythring has a decent piledriver but lacks reach. His versatility can be summed up as "has a fairly easy time grabbing opponents" and that's it. At least he's not as bad as Jimmy. Built like Frankenstein's Monster, he's so slow that he lost a footrace to a cinder block. Instead of throwing enemies over his shoulder like a normal person, Norton does some wind-up Popeye punch. I don't like him. M-Frame is a cool robot with a nice array of moves. Ultimately though, I'd say this game belongs to Dick and Elfin. The man with mysterious powers has a basic yet effective arsenal, including a damn nice special attack. Elfin has the speed, reach, good crowd-control, and fun stuff like dash-attack and air-attacks that hit multiple times. She's probably the closest Rushing Beat Shura has to a reasonable Wendy substitute, but I don't know. A beatemup hero is more than just their moves. It's all about how they interact with the world. Their ability to skirt the rules and operate on another level.

Compared to its predecessor, this is technical and refined. Healing items are more common, which reduces dependency on the large stack of continues. Enemies have been balanced so they don't hit as hard. Bosses lost the innate evasion that makes them hard to hit. However, if they have the capability, then they won't allow players to abuse grapples. I don't take any Bob for granted, because he will grab and slam me into oblivion. Those who respect the game will discover that a single life can last a lot longer. Play safe, stick to what works, and... meh. It gets overbearing after a while, like there's only two ways a fight can go down, and one of them is wrong. 

Dealing with Bob is simple. You don't go near him, ever. Knock the burly man down, then hit him with knee drops until he can't get up. Otherwise, there's a risk of triggering that phantom grab-range of his. Jump-kicks are a possibility, but he's got a kick of his own that'll easily knock someone out of the sky. Hitting the bastard with a string of attacks sounds like the right call, until he decides to interrupt the combo with a grab. It doesn't take long for the realization to settle in that dash-attacks are the only consistent option. Granted, they have to be performed fairly early, else the player rushes straight into Bob's open arms. Dash-attacks tend to be the safest choice for most encounters. The exceptions are best handled with a decent special attack. Specials drain health, but that just makes for an easily winnable battle of attrition. If there are other ways to win fights that don't rely on the least entertaining moves, then I've yet to stumble onto them.

Also, the games' attempt at being fair are undermined by a second half that's filled with double bosses. I'm sure I brought up the single boss issue in a previous beatemup review, but Jaleco's solution isn't great. Whiffing a jab probably shouldn't lead to getting insta-backstabbed by one of two master ninjas. Their weakness is getting grabbed, but it would've been nice to use other moves, make the fight more dynamic. I put up with Ran's poor bosses because I knew there'd be more minion-bullying afterwards. Once a boss in Shura is taken down, it's back to the process of constant dash-attacks, unsatisfying grabs, and knee drops.

If your beatemup has to be one-dimensional, then make sure it's fun. That way, you get to call it fun-dimensional and annoy everyone on social media. For real though, Rushing Beat Shura has a lot of stuff and some great music, but its moment-to-moment action isn't deep enough to justify letting go of what made Rushing Beat Ran such a blast. Let me indulge in the unbridled awesomeness that is piledriving someone onto a landmine or off of a skyscraper. I'd rather lose a life doing something crazy hilarious than getting grabbed by Bob #32 for the 54th time.

Although, taking a Doomsday Device from the Non-Steiner Bros. is pretty cool.

Super Nintendo Look - Lufia & The Fortress of Doom

Though I often pretend to be a Super Nintendo connoisseur, the lingering fact that I rarely complete any of its non-Squaresoft RPGs shows how meager the illusion really is. Just last night, I finally conquered Lufia & The Fortress of Doom. This is one game that I've started and stopped too many times to keep track. A new playthrough is attempted every few years, yet the instant it gets boring, everything collapses and I swear it off "forever". It's almost sad that I treat being bored as some sort of disease. Granted, this is likely the result of years spent drowning in entertainment options. Going from a handful of videotapes and one game console to dozens of streaming services and a PC that emulates many game consoles has all but irradiated the concept of boredom. If I'm bored, then there's something wrong with what I'm consuming. If I consume it regardless of how boring it is, then does this mean there's something wrong with me?

I wish there was a gentler way to say it, but Lufia 1 is pretty damn dull. The introduction is legitimately great. Starting off with a dungeon that culminates in a boss-rush is a fantastic method for teaching players how the game works. It's just that, when the adventure begins for real, and the first of nearly a thousand battles is life-or-death tussle with the hardiest mushroom, a sickly feeling begins to take root. I have to point out that my playthrough was done using Lufia 1 Restored. Some of the features of this hack include increased walking speed outside of towns and a lower encounter rate. Tempting as it may be, I didn't want to bury the review with typical RPG complaints. In its original form, this game is rather notorious for an absurd encounter rate (though it is mitigated a bit with steady Sweet Water use). Mainly, I want to get across that even if there isn't a battle every couple of steps, it's still the excessive and exhausting core of the game. 

Nowadays, fast-forward renders all complaints about grinding moot, or at least it should. Lufia 1 is a special case, and that's because it lacks auto-targeting. Battles often involve multiple groups of enemies. If the last enemy in a group is defeated, then whomever attempts to attack that nonexistent group will swing at air. You've likely seen something similar happen in Final Fantasy on the NES, which goes to show just how uncommon and dated the mechanic is. Honestly, it's not really a problem, since most adversaries are defeated in 1-3 hits. The (obviously unintended) side-effect of this mechanic is that it makes fast-forwarding through battles an absolute chore. While the game does a relatively good job of keeping battles moving at a semi-brisk pace, it also takes anywhere between 10 and 30 to get a single level-up. At the same time, one can't just hold down some buttons and ignore what's happening, or else the party misses more often than they hit. Even when they're speeding by at 500 FPS or whatever, I see every last MISS! and they all drive me crazy. 

The reasons as to why one would need to grind are a little all over the place. For one, there's actually not that many boss-battles. It's possible to go through several dungeons and not have to deal with anything significant. This is a unique problem, as a regular supply of bosses is needed to assess the party's strength. Some of the toughest battles occur early on, and then nothing of note happens for hours at a time. Without any real idea of what's going to happen next, the inclination to grind takes over. If the game expects to me go so long without a boss, then obviously the next one has to be really tough. Sure enough, that expectation crumbles when the next boss fails to do anything. Convinced that I must be wildly over-leveled, I hurry through the next couple of dungeons and run into something so vicious, that it leaves me scraping the hero's remnants off the ceiling. I just want a little more consistency. 

Further contributing to the grind is that even when I'm actually over-leveled, it doesn't feel like it. Enemies tend to hit hard and are incapable of missing. This brutal combination can rend sufficiently armored warriors into hamburger. In order to die in one less hit, I need five additional level-ups, probably more. That's another hundred battles to sit through. Agility, which affects how long it takes for a party member to get a turn, is countered by the weight of the armor. Basically, I equip better armor to take less damage, but it increases the probability that a monster will strike first or get an additional turn, resulting in more damage. Also, some random encounters can be worse than any boss. As tough as some of these guys get, I'd rather deal with them over a group of water elementals. Getting struck with three 100+ damage spells in a row is brutal. Eventually, I had to accept that I'll be fine as long as it takes more than a single hit to kill someone in my party. Lufia 1 is extremely generous with healing options. 

One abundance that I didn't mind was all of the towns and caves. There's a sort of comfiness in visiting dozens of towns and swiping whatever they keep in their dressers. Same goes for the caves and the many treasure chests that demand to be pilfered. I also appreciate that there are a large number of places to visit after acquiring the boat. Granted, that first taste of freedom is diminished somewhat by being tied to a hunt for seven rocks, but I got to do a couple of things out of order. If my memory is correct, Lufia 2 had guards posted everywhere, preventing the party from doing anything besides the next objective. 

Also, the battles that really mattered were pretty exciting. Even if the strategies can be boiled down to generous castings of drain and mirror, the endgame fights got really tense. I had fun keeping the party in order while they were pummeled by devastating spells and status effects. It would've been nice if every other battle didn't feel like busywork, but I shouldn't talk. I'm somewhat of a king sitting atop his mountain of unfinished RPGs. 

So yeah, Lufia 1 was dull as hell, but there's nothing wrong with it! It's exactly what it's supposed to be: purposeful, adequate, and aesthetically charming. I ask for more because I live in a world that's given me a gazillion distractions. Closing the content sluicegate and allowing myself to express boring thoughts is the only time I feel something resembling fulfillment. 

Super Nintendo Look - Q*bert 3

Some 40 years after its earliest incarnation hit the arcades, I've accepted that Q*bert might not be for me. Its concept is instantly approachable and the controls are solid, but I don't think we'll ever be on the same page. This is likely due to a core mechanic that's introduced after a few stages are cleared. At first, clearing a stage is as simple as hopping onto every cube at least once. Once becomes twice a little later, but it's still fun. My interest starts fading when the cube's color repeatedly changes no matter how many times Q*bert stomps on it. This causes stages to take much longer to clear. Not only does every misstep have to be corrected, but the same must be done for every step taken to reach that misstep. 

Classic arcade games tend to have "walls" that prevent all but the most dedicated players from tying up a machine for more than a few minutes. The issue I have with Q*bert's wall is that it creates tedium. Call it a philosophical difference, but if I'm playing what is essentially the same stage over and over, then I need some permeance. If Pac-Man eats a dot, then that dot stays eaten for the remainder of the stage. Having to constantly retrace steps makes me feel like I'm in a temporal anomaly. I've lost sight of my goal, yet everything still wants me dead. Maybe it's not that deep, and I just think forcing extraneous steps on players is dead-end game design.

Anyway, my plan for September is to play and write about 27 SNES games. That's one for each letter of the alphabet. Super is a letter onto itself just because it's so damn prevalent. If you're wondering why you're reading a Q*bert 3 write-up from a non-fan of the original, then it's because there are no other games in the system's library that start with the letter Q. Before digging into the game proper, I have to give props to Realtime Associates for the control schemes they've devised. As fans are probably aware, the arcade game had a joystick that could only move diagonally. To emulate this, the developers implemented a default setting that allows players to hold the SNES controller... diagonally. That's pretty neat, but I think there's an even better setting. The one I chose maps the four directions to the four face buttons. It's flawless! Not once did I ever accidentally leap into the abyss. For the most part, my deaths were the result of poor playing.

While it's not the first entry to do so, Q*bert 3 sets itself apart from the original by featuring stages that vary in size and shape. There are 100 in all. While the gameplay remains the same, the diverse layouts create new challenges. Q*bert still has to contend with all of his old foes, and now they're joined by froggies and derbies. Frogs are slower to act than their reptilian allies, but they never leap off of the stage. When the paths narrow, getting around them gets quite difficult. Derbies (and perhaps other hats) move in fixed patterns, usually in areas that get a lot of traffic. Pipe cannons spit dangerous red balls, but only after turning twice. If there's one onscreen, expect to keep a mental count of when they'll fire next, or suffer. 

Each stage has at least one or two qualities that help it stand out. Some of them are composed of small islands, and Q*bert uses the floating discs to travel between them. Although, this does remind me of the time when it jumped off a disc after arriving at an island and was immediately killed by a waiting frog. I think that particular stage (5-2) wasn't tested enough. I appreciate the willingness to try new ideas. The early-game pacing is also quite nice. Stages move quickly, and skillful play feels very rewarding. Why, this could have been an ideal game in the series if it hadn't stayed so true to its arcade roots.

After the 16th stage in Q*bert 3, the cubes change color every time they're landed on. I disliked this mechanic in the arcades, and it's even worse here. The only reason it worked before was because every stage had the same open layout. There was room to maneuver. This entry often features claustrophobic stages with very few routes. A lot of times, a retreat is necessary to avoid death, but that creates more cubes that'll have to be fixed. Hopping back & forth repeatedly to clean up every single misstep gets tiring. 

Speaking personally, this game stretched itself past the breaking point by combining arcade mechanics with home-port content. Attempting to complete 100 stages in what one sitting, let alone in pursuit of a high score, is just not feasible when 84% of them are susceptible to problems that fall outside of the player's control. Yes, it's ultimately the player who decides where Q*bert goes, but nearly every step creates disorder. In the corner of one stage, there was a short scuffle as the player navigated their way around a frog or snake. They'll have to come back to that corner eventually, because its colors are all wrong. Again, every step taken to clean up that mess will create another. The issue is exasperated n narrow corridors where there's only one way through. 

In the end, I may be a non-fan who probably should've kept his mouth shut and his hands off of the keyboard, but that can't prevent me from questioning Q*bert 3's logic. There are a ton of stages, and most of them grind to a halt the instant a less-than-perfect player has to deal with an unexpected situation. A lot of work went into creating all the new content, yet the game adheres to a core mechanic that's explicitly designed to keep it from being seen. 

I don't get it.

2026 Special - Kaizou Choujin Shubibinman Zero

The B.B. Corps have invaded the city! It's up to Raita and Azuki, Resident Cyborg Shockmen, to crush their evil schemes and restore order. This basic premise sets up eight stages of side-scrolling action. In the hopes of putting together an intro that wasn't just the two previous sentences, I came across an interesting bit of speculation. As you know, Kaizou Choujin Shubibinman Zero was a Satellaview exclusive from 1997 to 1998. During the eleven months this downloadable game was available, its publishers held a contest. Players would compete to reach the top of the in-game scoreboard. Apparently, prizes were involved, but that's not why I brought this up. What I'm curious about is the competitive scene. There has to have been a time when players were working with and against each other to achieve the highest possible score in this game.

Playing non-fighters competitively has been a part of video games since forever ago. Besides the incredible amounts of skill and practice involved, achieving the highest score or the fastest time required knowledge. That means every secret bonus or shortcut had to be discovered. I played through this game and had a good time, but curiosity didn't take hold until I saw my low ranking. A typical playthrough without a lot of mistakes wasn't good enough to crack the top 25. It's no wonder the difficulty felt a little light. I was actually expected to play using a perfectionist's mindset. Not only was I supposed to win; I had to do it without taking damage or missing an ounce of treasure. 

I don't believe that Kaizou Choujin Shubibinman Zero has hidden scoring mechanics. Instead, it places an emphasis on discovering the perfect route. Each encounter must be handled with care. If Azuki gets hurt, then the next healing item she obtains will replenish her health. Staying alive is nice and all, but the stings from missing an extra 500 to 2000 points add up. Defeating B.B. Corps goons is effortless thanks to the great mechanics and controls. However, the player has to be sure that they're always in position to recover the treasures that deceased goons leave behind. Knocking someone into a pit is the fastest way to get rid of them, but also the costliest. It's these elements that give the game staying power.

Since this is the 2026 Special, Raita will stay ignored and unloved for the remainder of the review. Sorry dude, but I'm here for the dudettes with weapons. At first, Azuki's sword is slightly off-putting. Its reach is a smidge smaller than the blade would indicate. Adjusting takes no time at all thanks to the fact that enemies aren't capable of contact damage. The lowliest goons will throw a bunch if they're close enough, so always be ready to cut them off. Along with a short combo that can eliminate most anything in a few hits, holding down the attack button primes the "Shubibi-beam". The game smartly allows players to prime this projectile the instant after an attack is performed. After a jump-kick, a crouching slash, whenever. Its ability to be performed at-will gives combat a nice energy. Definitely don't forget about her jumping slash either. Pressing the attack button twice in mid-air causes the cyborg to perform a speedy sword technique that does immense damage to anything that flies or is just really tall. With this burst of boss wrecking momentum, it's hardly any wonder why Azuki is the go-to gal for speedruns. 

The level-design is kept straightforward and semi-simple. Each stage usually has one or two unique elements like a different enemy or some different traps to avoid. Focusing on the basics was the right call, as none of the stages set themselves apart in ways that are detrimental to the score-centric adventure. There aren't any elevators or vehicle sections, and the moving platform segments are appropriately sparse. Enemy placement is also well done. Since pick-ups can't be collected from environmental objects like crates or barrels, goons and other foes are distributed more heavily. Fighting is always emphasized, and it suits the game well.

Since most of the bosses are a jumping slash or three away from dying laughably, I don't have a lot to say about them. The most difficult fights tend to be cyborg vs cyborg battles with Kagemaru. He's a mercenary who gets a few upgrades before finally accepting defeat. Use his arena's layout and AI against him, or risk dealing with the moves he learned from too much HnK & DBZ. Perhaps the most challenging aspect of some fights is that the heroine might not reach them with full health. Although, I figure players won't even notice. This could just as well be a non-event that I'm dressing up because there literally isn't anything else to say. 

Kaizou Choujin Shubibinman Zero keeps the frills and spectacle to a minimum, as they'd merely distract from the arcade-like experience Masaya was going for. Much of the game's appeal is in mastering each stage and smashing B.B. Corps with flawless precision. Players who aren't about that score-attack life should still give this a playthrough, as it is solid to the core. Enjoying it doesn't require a taste for often middling action-platformers with obtuse jumping controls and instant-death pits. Give it a go if you haven't already. 

SHEEH!