2026 Special - Axiom Verge 2

There will be spoilers ahead. This is your only warning.

I've been having something of an internal debate on whether or not I should wait a week before writing this Axiom Verge 2 review. When it comes to transhumanism, my beliefs are determined almost entirely by how much pain I'm currently in. At this exact moment, I'm doing okay. I can appreciate the subtle yet wonderful feelings, such as goosebumps while listening to a favorite song, the uncomfortable yet satisfying brain breeze from drinking a slushee on a hot summer day, all those times when the human body is more than just a prison of flesh that hasn't yet locked the door. In a week or less, okay will turn to abysmal, and I'll begging for my brain to get plopped into a glass jar and away from whatever hell I'm suffering in. I mean, shit, it wasn't even a month ago when I moved my hip too quickly while pouring tomatoes into a bucket. Within a minute, I was struck with what might've been bursitis. Impossible to know for sure when getting a timely doctor's appointment in America is a laughable proposition. Anyway, the hip pain was as debilitating as it was excruciating. One morning I tried using my calves to push myself out of bed. Managed to pull both of them instead. 10:00 am, couldn't stand, let alone walk, and still had to make it into work somehow. 

Ultimately, I'm the architect of my own destruction. The first 45 years of life were spent ignoring words like moderation and exercise. Shameful really, because getting that heartrate elevated and entering "the zone" while working out feels immense, almost like I reached a higher plane of existence. Imagine if I actually stuck with it. In lieu of words that barely make sense, my reviews would contain shirtless pics and number scores. Nowadays though, I'm not sure if even nanomachines or a robot body would do me any good. I'd probably fuck them up even worse. It's because I never learned to love myself. Obsessing over the could've beens or never weres instead of who I am has created an abomination of flesh and machinery that slides across the floor. This is probably what The Substance was telling me and I'm only just now piecing it together. Even if we have the means to extend lives, will it matter if we don't make the effort to preserve them? 

Instead of trying to convince myself that there's a path to transcendence, I should focus on bettering the however many years I have left. A couple goddamn stretches in the morning might've prevented that bursitis and the agonizing days that followed. Good luck convincing my brain to do anything besides make bad decisions though. Perhaps the truth is that we're too afraid to admit we deserve each other. We - much like you and the brains floating in your skulls - inherited a miserable world full of problems. Instead of working to better the lives of those around us (as well as our own), we chose to wallow in the depths. I think that even if I was given more time or a second chance on this planet Earth, I'd squander it the first chance I got. My brain would leave my body to rot while he left on an expedition to a world of his own creation. 

This is the undercurrent that flows throughout Axiom Verge 2. The head of super conglomerate Globe 3, Indra Chaudhari is a CEO living the typical CEO life. Mergers and acquisitions, laying off thousands of workers while profits are soaring, all the greatest hits. Her latest score was Hammond Corp. Once a major competitor, this company's stock price plummeted after its CEO disappeared during a trip to Antarctica. Indra quickly snatched everything up, turning Globe 3 from megacorp to gigacorp. Among the assets was Dr. Hammond's ansible, a communication terminal with transdimensional capabilities. While investigating the device, she read the following:

Come to Antarctica if you wish to see your daughter again.

Reasoning that she's ready for whatever fate has in store for her, Indra immediately headed to Jones Station. While searching the site for any sign of her daughter or Dr. Hammon, she's transported to Kiengir. Somewhere in the valleys and war-torn ruins, Indra faces a question that lacks a plausible answer: How much of yourself can you give up before you no longer exist? 

Not long after her arrival, a brush with death forces the CEO to undergo an incredible transformation. Now she's a Wielder, a human who has formed a deep connection with the Sagiga. They're native to this mysterious universe and capable of lending their powers to Wielders via nanotechnology. Through the service of these Arms, Indra can explore and fight in all the ways a being of flesh and bone could never imagine. One of her first discoveries is that she no longer has to fear drowning. Also, fatal damage simply results in her being whisked away to the last save point. Considerable perks provided one is willing to live with a body constructed entirely of nanomachines. 

Before going further, I have to point out that I've played less than 30 minutes of the first Axiom Verge. Thus, I went into the sequel without any expectations. All I knew was that the main character is a woman, and the first weapons she obtains are a climbing axe and a boomerang. Kiengir, as it turns out, is filled with killer robots; always on patrol and ready to fire upon anything human-shaped. While there are stealth-like mechanics, their purpose is served as a part of combat. To put it another way, outside of extreme exceptions, Indra isn't busting out any sweet combos. Get the drop on robots to eliminate them quickly or take advantage of their slightly delayed reactions to get away. A third option materializes before long, and it involves hacking into the machines to shut down their weapons or gain a temporary ally. 

In a strange yet intriguing twist, most of the bosses are entirely optional. Though they aren't especially difficult, destroying them still feels satisfying. It makes me feel as if I had stumbled upon an exploit that allowed me to defeat an unwinnable boss in an RPG. I don't know how else to describe it. Perhaps it's their immense size and the blase attitude they give off. The apocalypse arm flasks they drop upon destruction are decent rewards early on, since they can be converted to increased attack power, more health, the ability to hack higher-level objects, etc. Really though, combat as Indra is refreshingly subdued. There are various types of enemies, all with varying limitations. Just because they're capable of pursuit doesn't mean that they'll be able to keep up with someone. This really benefits the level-design and atmosphere. Every encounter feels like a part of Kiengir, and not just "this is the part where I press buttons until something explodes."

One Arm that I didn't pay much mind to at first is the drone. When activated, it allows Indra's consciousness to exist inside a little scouting mech. Its primary method of attack is a sawblade on a string. Almost reminds me of a yo-yo. Is this a Goonies II reference? Never mind. Early on, the main purpose of being a drone is to enter the Breach, a heavily stylized world that's explicitly designed to be game-like. Any contact with the strange inhabitants will result in damage, and their behavior has a lot in common with the rank & file of some 8-bit classic. It's quite a departure from the rest of Axiom Verge 2, and just fantastic. Utilizing the portals to jump between worlds is very Link to the Past. I'll be real here; it's a happy coincidence that this game evokes the same Zelda that I've replayed the most. Still, it's as I said earlier, it wasn't until a certain event that I saw the drone's most brilliant quality.

In a bold, yet not entirely unexpected move, Indra's body is stolen. By this point it was probably all nanomachines, but it was still her body, and now it's in the hands of someone plotting a multiverse-destroying scheme. On the plus side, the heroine will get something much better before long. That's right, it's an upgraded drone body that allows her to take a human-shape at any time. It's around this point that I really started to engage with the game's central themes. Before then, I treated the drone as just another neat mechanic, not even considering the possibility that it'd be anything more than temporary. The realization that this would become Indra's new body struck me pretty damn hard. 

Once the initial shock passed, I discovered that I was much more at home in this new body. Instead of having to hurl the drone towards the nearest problem, Indra changes shape with as much ease as a button press. It's seamless, natural, and freeing. This was around the time where the questions started piling up, hardly any of which were related to the plot or characters. How is it that moving around in a wholly mechanical body feels so much better to move around in than her actual human body? I mean, it's not as if Indra 2.0 received a double jump or a speed boost. She's exactly the same as before, yet I've convinced myself otherwise. 

Also, post-transformation, I felt this sense of belonging that wasn't there before. Early on, I was just a stranger to the world, but for once I feel like I actually inhabit it. Yes, the robots are still all out to get me, but it's as if giving up on my old body - or Indra's, I should say - has brought contentment. After 40 odd years of searching, I finally found a home. As far as the game is concerned, this rush of sensations didn't last very long, but it did give me a few thoughts to chew on while looking for more upgrades. The bits of lore scattered throughout Kiengir add welcome details to mull over.

The interconnectedness of the human & droid does a lot for exploration. Jumping off of a wall as a human and then hovering across a chasm as a droid is quite cool. Both forms also have their own set of strengths, yet the player isn't penalizing for favoring one over the other. Yes, the Indra who can use her axe and boomerang has more combat prowess, but the four-legged Indra is a smaller target. There's a fair amount of backtracking needed to obtain everything, which really highlights the value in having two forms that are functionally different, yet also not superior to each other. Of course, having a generous fast-travel feature helps a ton. The average player will be a 1/3rd of the way through the game by the time they obtain it, but instant access to every discovered save point is generous as hell. 

I will say however that I wish there were a few more weapons to find. The distribution of them isn't great, and it wasn't until the very end of the game that I found something that felt better to use than the double-sided axe. Speaking of, that particular axe has one of those hitboxes that doesn't cover the player-character's sprite. Basically, if an enemy manages to invade Indra's personal space, wildly swinging the axe won't do a lot of good. This is a very niche issue that really only occurs when faced with jumping spider-bots, but I just have to bring it up. 

Besides being a fantastic Metroidvania, Axiom Verge 2 does a stellar job at presenting its themes, none of which distract let alone detract from the great world-design and superb controls. Also, I might've learned something about myself. It's not good, but oh well. Maybe I should take better care of this damnable body. After all, it'll have to defend itself from my twisted mind.

Good news! There's a secret behind a waterfall!

2026 Special - Eiyuden Chronicle: Rising

Today's look is at the functional yet unexciting Action RPG Eiyuden Chronicle: Rising. You're probably wondering why I'd drop the one sentence summary at the beginning of the review instead of the end of it. The reason for that is I'm feeling generous. Not everyone should have to suffer the mundanity of an underemployed writer trying in vain to make "press A to jump and X to attack" sound clever... unless they want to. Maybe readers will "get lucky" and I'll veer into random topics or paragraph-stretching diatribes about a hitbox that wronged me.  Sorry to say, but don't expect too much of either. I pressed my face so close to the TV that my eyelashes were brushing dust off the screen, and I still couldn't find anything to "justify" a spittle-encrusted rant. This is a Natsume - excuse me, Natsume Atari - video game, and they don't make faulty products. It would've been nice, however, if this 10+ hour adventure about a teenage girl and her stamp collection had some mechanical density. 

What is "mechanical density" you ask? It's two random words pressed together. You've probably known this for longer than even myself but carrying the self-important air of authority is what gets me out of bed in the afternoon. I heap lavish praise on the miniscule details of games that I've played for only two or three hours; then I'll turn around and spend literally half a day on something that turns my brain into literal grey goo. Either my standards are a mask too cheap for Spirit Halloween to carry, or I've convinced myself that buried between the two extremes is the "Eureka!" that allows me to crush reality and finally get paid to write about video games. 

Hold a moment, please. I'm getting a phone call. Let me just reach across my desk without knocking over the ten half-empty bottles of sertraline and- 

"Hello?"

"It's never fucking happening." *CLICK*. 

That was reality, unimpressed as ever by my attempts to do anything besides fail. Since it'll be another couple of days before I hear from them again, let's get on with why I stuck with a game I seem extremely disinterested in actually reviewing.

Eiyuden Chronicle: Rising is repetitive, filled with mind-numbing tasks, and its bestiary is a pitiable sight. Where this Action RPG succeeds is in all the things that I'm not 100% sure if I should be praising. First and foremost, I couldn't shake the compulsion to rebuild New Nevaeh. Long before CJ's arrival, the once prosperous town was laid to ruin by a series of catastrophes. Turning something that wouldn't have been fit for ghosts into a thriving city is accomplished through the completion of a hundred or so tasks. They're all some variation of "find x" or "farm x" and would be the epitome of tedium if not for one simple thing. I sincerely believe that if you must give the player tons of meaningless chores to get through your game, then you must also do everything in your power to ensure that they are never inconvenienced for even a second. Basically, there's no limit on how many ongoing quests CJ can have. Fast-travel points and the ability to teleport to any street in town saves a ton of time. The means to solve highlighted quests are pointed out with big cyan exclamation points. Some job-assigners overlapped, so I could talk to the same person multiple times to complete multiple jobs. At no point do the 100+ mindless errands stop feeling like 100+ mindless errands, but I was in a constant state of not caring. Putting in miniscule effort and being appropriately rewarded for it massaged my think-box into complacency. 

It helps that CJ and her eventual friends Garoo and Isha have interesting personalities and quirks, which are repeatedly bounced off of each other as well as the multitude of stamp-givers they interact with. Somehow, it isn't tiring to read all of the possible ways in which CJ can greet someone and ask for a stamp. Further driving my effort to accomplish all these tasks is New Nevaeh itself. Natsume Atari did a great job designing this town. It's practically desolated at the start but gets livelier as the hours (and stamps) accumulate. Seeing everyone enjoying their new home brings a sense of comfort to this cold and shriveled heart. 

The nearby dungeons can best be described as forest, mines, ruins, snow, and fire. Its occupants tend to have some sort of elemental affinity, which isn't hard to exploit once you've acquired some rune gems. Combat in general is mostly just a stat check. Someone who takes time to upgrade the heroic trio's equipment and keep them leveled will fly through Eiyuden Chronicle: Rising without a care. Most enemies are crushed by attack links, which are simple to perform and keep battles from devolving to mere button presses. It's nothing astounding, but I have to admit that watching CJ perform a flip kick that sends the hapless opposition barreling into their unlucky allies feels nice. Garoo knocking out tougher foes by batting their projectiles back at them is also... something. Isha's spells are strangely annoying to aim, but most of the time her duty was to throw frozen spears from the sky, treating everything below to a horrible day. 

Honestly, the combat in this game isn't terrible. Effortless, predictable, bland are just a few of the many criticisms I could throw its way, but all of them added together still wouldn't be enough for me to say, "I can't deal with this shit any longer." The typical enemy encounter takes, what? A few seconds? The final boss was a total joke. Funny, I'm starting to sense a pattern. Completing over 150 menial tasks and slaying over 15,000 monsters never caused my expression to drop below "bored yet compelled". The smartest decision this game ever made was to avoid giving it any friction. I might've snapped out of my comfortable stupor if one incident where I had to reevaluate my strategy had ever occurred.  

There's hardly any reason to comment on the hard difficulty setting. It raises the enemy's levels, as if that'd mean anything when one of the post-game accessories gifts its owner with a 100% critical-hit rate. 2009 me probably would've said that players should impose their own challenges to keep battles interesting, but he always spoke that kind-of nonsense. This is not the game for low-level no-damage fanatics. If sweat is what you're after, then look towards the thousands of other, better choices. 

Eiyuden Chronicle: Rising is an elegant time waster. The quests are short, battles end quickly, and getting from point A to B to Z requires so little from the player that it has to be intentional. I might've been wrong from the start, creating high expectations for what is ultimately a supplementary game. It did exactly what it needed to do, and at no point was I ever disgusted with what it was putting me through. HOWEVER, I still have to dock points for the lack of mechanical density. 

2026 Special - Faussete Amour

I think Faussete Amour is trying too hard to be two different games. It wants to have the tough-as-nails arcade action, but it also wants to be playful and creative. Comparisons to Bionic Commando and Ghouls n' Ghosts have swirled around this 1993 product by Naxat Soft for quite some time, but it's not as deep as either of those Capcom classics. The relaxed pace and emphasis on (tonally jarring) cute characters suggest that this could've been a mascot-platformer, just with a NSFW tag. However, those kinds of games tend to be more forgiving and geared towards a wide swath of skill-levels, but this... hmm... You know something? The more I think about this game, the more confused I get. 

As the story goes, a village was attacked by a demonic cult led by some masked goof named Goat Bone. In order to rescue her sister, Corque Lans grabs her customized lance, dons the pinkest magical armor, and sets off on 7 stages of fun and adventure. The "fun" is in trying to avoid bottomless pits, monster hordes, and scantily clad lackies who transform into archdemons. The "adventure" is inadvertently slaying both Corque's sister and her husband-to-be, only to then be confronted by Baphomet. Don't worry! If our heroine manages to kill an occult deity, everyone will be brought back to life and have a good Christian wedding. 

I'm probably still going to get Twitch-banned for showing too much Baphomet underboob.

The tone really is all over the place. There's dark fantasy, murder, implied content warning, nauseatingly cute SD character art, demons with their nipples out, and it's all topped off by Corque herself. Contact with anything remotely evil will strip the warrior of her ridiculous armor. Either she obtains a fresh suit from a nearby fairy, or risks being stripped of her underwear. Somehow, it's a less believable reason to lose a life than being reduced to a pile of bones. I'd be a hypocrite for suggesting this is tasteless but at least allow me say that it's dumb as hell. There must've been one or a dozen media properties that Faussete Amour got its inspiration from, otherwise I can't understand how someone would go about making something that tries to be dark but also cute but also a little horny. Only a little though! Naxat Soft isn't trying to make one of those other games for the PC Engine CD. Maybe my memory is faulty, and there's a property that effortlessly juggles all three extremes, but this game isn't it. 

Anyway, let's just get on with discussing the actual game. Like I said, this is some sort of chimera with a lot of ideas haphazardly strung together. The heroine walks very slowly. There's merit in a cautious step, as it lessens the probability of walking off a ledge, but the inability to react to a sudden shift in one's fortunes is concerning. What I mean is that if something random occurs, Corque is going to have a difficult time walking away from it. I'm hesitant to pull an endgame example, but since I already spoiled the ending: Baphomet has a move where he pounds the floor, causing two rocks to fall from the ceiling. Where these rocks land is randomized. If one should be hurtling towards the heroine's noggin, she's more-than-likely not going to be able to evade it. I've complained incessantly about protagonists who don't give a shit about the world they're supposed to save. Corque walks like she doesn't give a shit about herself, and that's depressing. I know my words carry zero weight, because it's not my body being exploited to sell a video game, but damn. 

Jeeze... Now the guilt is settling in. Let's try and move it along.

Corque's sole weapon is a lance that stretches in multiple directions. Its most common use is reaching and stabbing all creatures that walk, crawl, or fly. There's also a twirling move that's performed by holding the attack-button down while in mid-air. Its wide range makes a great solution to multiple problems, but overuse will result in pain. Since it's usually performed while jumping, you give up the ability to adjust Corque's trajectory. The recovery time is also slightly higher than a regular attack. Twirl mastery is needed to utilize the projectile power-ups, which are found throughout each stage or boss arena. These tend to be the difference makers in the toughest fights, so try and hang onto them.

Pressing the jump button while in mid-air will fire the lance at a 45-degree angle. If it lands in a platform, then the pink-clad warrior can swing to-and-fro indefinitely. Pressing the attack button will launch her into a really neat somersault that demolishes enemies. This is the coolest mechanic in the game, but it's massively underutilized. In fact, none of the bosses make use of grappling, so no somersaulting into weak-points or anything of that sort. Actually, boss-battles are dependent on basic jumps and ducks. Nothing strenuous early on, but that will change in the latter half.

The first three stages in Faussete Amour are probably the most relaxing I've seen in something that wants to be spoken of in the same breath as Ghouls n' Ghosts. This is what gave me the false impression that the developer intended to make a mascot platformer. Keep the difficulty approachable, build upon the swinging mechanics, create something that's not kid-friendly, but could still satisfy the PC Engine's particular niche. Then stage 4 happens, and... oh this was meant to be a hardcore platformer!? Moving platforms, occasional blind jumps, no checkpoints, all working in concert with one another to keep players on edge. The following stage is where the ugliness happens. If you haven't been using that somersault move, then the rising lava and flying projectiles will deliver endless punishment. 

This stage is also where the boss battles start to get ridiculous. Four barely clothed cultists ambush Corque. While they don't all attack at the same time, their contributions are staggered so that players could easily walk from one armor-shedding attack one underwear-shredding attack. Defeating these rude ladies is going to take a lot of trial & error. Though extra lives are common and continues are unlimited, patience dwindles quickly when every string of failures is followed by a replay of the entire stage. Following up with a 6th stage that's more bottomless pit than anything else is just plain harsh. Upon reaching Corque's sister, you begin to realize how frustrating a sloth-ass walking & jumping speed are when the villainess can Sonic the Hedgehog her way through the heroine with ease. 

Then the final stage hits, and it's about as long as three stages smashed together. In case anyone was hoping for a miracle; no, there are no checkpoints. After surviving the gauntlet, Corque is thrust into a two-part final battle with Goat Bone and Baphomet. Both bosses have their own uniquely shitty traits. Strike Goat Bone, and he'll drop a green mutated orb out of his robes; which quickly bounds all over the screen. Baphomet has the aforementioned rocks, bad luck leaves, and hands with questionable hitboxes. None of the fights in this game are long. Instead, they're all designed to eat lives, force retries and eradicate the concept of fun.

Faussete Amour really needed to find a direction and commit to it. If I'm playing an arcade game, then why aren't there more arcade elements like points and secret bonuses? This can't be a mechanics-driven platformer, because all things unique or interesting are pushed aside to have boss battles that could've occurred anywhere else. Basically, there's a lack of direction, and I feel like a bad person whenever I screw up. No thanks.

2026 Special - Valis (PC Engine CD)

Valis: The Legend of the Fantasm Soldier committed most of its energy to being better than its Mega Drive counterpart, and then just sort-of settled with that. I can't help but think that releasing both within mere months of each other wasn't healthy for Riot, let alone the games. Oh, excuse me, I might be attempting to condense this review a bit. The frequent visits to Vecanti have frazzled most of my remaining nerves. I will say this though, the final PCE CD Valis game left me wanting more.

This retelling of Valis 1 features numerous improvements. For starters, Yuko can turn while crouching, making it much easier to destroy enemies attacking from multiple directions, or slide away from danger (instead of towards is). Speaking of her slide, it does damage now! That's actually pretty cool, even if most of the time I only slid for style points. Compared to the MD version, which broke as easily as a wet toothpick once I got the weapon & spell I wanted, this carries some difficulty. However, I still wouldn't be surprised if series regulars finished it in the first few attempts.

What's here is extremely straightforward. From the streets of Tokyo to Rogles' Lair, Yuko runs left to right or vice-versa, blasting incoming monsters with her sword. Enemy encounters are a little more creative than usual. They're much more likely to attack in numbers and from different angles, demanding players to prioritize threats. Most of these fiends are eliminated in a single shot, but any damage they do isn't easily recovered. Every single attack takes away two blocks of health. The most common healing item is a small heart, and it recovers just two blocks. Yeah, the game is being a little stingy, but attacks are easier to avoid, so I suppose I can see the point. The challenge isn't found in death pits or oversized hurtboxes, but in wearing the player down until they've reached a boss with precious little health remaining. 

Another change from the MD version is that respawning enemies are back with a vengeance. They'll reappear the instant an opening becomes available. One example that comes to mind occurs in one of the vertical stages. While climbing pillars, Yuko will spot a spider clung to a ceiling. She jumps up to slay the fiend, but it reappears the instant she tries to jump again and resume her quest. There's no way around these annoyances, so just keep moving and blasting. Each stage only lasts a couple of minutes anyway, which is a good or bad thing depending on one's point-of-view. My point-of-view? It's a little disappointing. I was struck hard by the "that's it?" feeling when I reached Rogles. His castle consists of three hallways and a short elevator. Surely a final boss could do a little more for themselves. This also affects the rest of the game, which never gets a chance to breathe.

While I can't say I was ever truly hurting for power-ups, it's quite odd that getting and keeping my preferred weapon is more difficult than it should be. I like the "S" weapon. It causes a giant sword to fire from Yuko's sword, and then that sword splits into a spread of smaller swords. Very lovely. Valis doesn't like me having the S weapon. During a long fall, several different weapons were placed where I couldn't see what they were, until Yuko had already grabbed them. Just before the anticlimactic encounter with Rogles, five weapon power-ups were arranged in a row. The only catch is that they're so close together that it's impossible to grab the S without also grabbing something else. Yuko has to collect the same letter twice in a row if she wants to increase her weapon power, so this just felt like the game making fun of me. Oh, and losing to a boss causes Yuko's power-level to drop, because of goddamned course.

Valis: The Legend of a Fantasm Soldier is fine. Just plain fine. I'm out of here.

Wait, I forgot. There's one other important thing. Use the wind spell. It creates a shield that practically doubles Yuko's health. 

2026 Special - Valis IV (PC Engine CD)

At the end of Valis III, Yuko retired from the warrior life and became the Goddess of Vecanti. There was peace for a minute until Galgear, psychotic prince of the dark world, broke free from his crystal prison. Lena Brande has taken it upon herself to battle Galgear's forces and save all the worlds from destruction. Yes, I just copied the story summary from my Super Valis IV review, because I've had enough of this round of bikini armor bullshit. All the elements were in place for all-time great entry, but it's as if the development team only caters to masochists. How much am I allowed to hate this game before it comes off as kink-shaming?

Much like the previous adventure, pressing the run button will switch between the playable characters. Lena, besides having main character status, inherited Yuko's slide. It's a necessity for getting underneath narrow passages, crossing gaps with a low ceiling, and... get used to seeing it a ton. Lena is also invulnerable while sliding, but it doesn't actually matter until the final boss, and even then... it's not enough. Heroic sister Amu is also along for the ride. Her specialties are a double jump and a long-range attack. Valis IV's level-design is explicitly built for swapping, with frequent sequences that require slides and double jumps to progress. The duo is joined by Asfal after the first act is cleared. He ignores everything from spikes to conveyor belts to ice physics. His attack power is also the highest of the three heroes, much to chagrin of Lena and I. Actually, now that I think about it, Amu's attack power is also higher than Lena's. Wow. Talk about bollocks! What's the use of main character responsibility when it means being forced to defeat the final boss with the weakest weapon?

I hate to throw the review off of the rails so early, but the final boss hangs over this game like an omnipotent specter. When the time comes, whatever enjoyment I manage to wrangle out of the first eight acts that preceded him will feel so far away. Until then, I have to distract myself with a different topic, like the absurdist platforming that dominates the adventure. Wait! That's no good either, ahh! Before we tumble into abysses both proverbial and literal, know that I once dreamed of a world where I didn't have to spend game discussion "in the weeds". Picking apart interactive software because of a few obscure hitboxes or unnecessarily precise jumps hasn't gotten me anywhere near the gaming nirvana I yearn for. However, I am the small-minded fool who digs in the desert, complaining every time he's stung by a scorpion.

Witness above you, the mundane sight of Amu running towards an enemy after jumping over a pit. This is the first pit in the game, and Laser Soft placed an enemy directly after it. You might not realize it yet, but this is the call-out. Valis IV is letting everyone know that it's not above putting enemies in spots where they're most likely to push Vecanti's last hope over the edge. The gloves are off, the claws are out, and there is fire brimming from the palms. The player is a scourge that must be driven to madness, and the easiest way to accomplish that is with a ledge and a gentle push. Let's look ahead to act 1-5, wherein Amu jumps across moving platforms. 

Now, what the screenshot doesn't show you is that this flying lobster actually stops right here, begging and pleading for Amu to land on it, all but guaranteeing her humiliating demise. This is the game operating as intended. If you haven't already developed a sixth sense for avoiding these life-stealing moments, then you're going to have an extremely bad time. I have more screenshots that show basically the same thing occurring in other parts of the game, but let's just skip ahead to something a little different.

Okay, so now we're in act 9-4. Lena has to slide underneath the pillar and over the chasm, a common problem that was drilled into our heads back in Valis III. Note the heroine's current position in the first image. This is actually the wrong place to initiate the slide from. If she slides here, then her next slide has to be back to the previous location, so she can reposition herself and try again. If she insists on sliding forward, then she'll fall into the far-right hole. Instead, Lena should be standing as shown in the second image. Then she can slide safely past both chasms. There's probably one person out there saying "pshaw! That's nothing! I've been walking to the very end of every ledge to make a jump for almost 50 years!" Sure, that's a fair statement to make, but is it really something to be proud of? Let me rephrase that. Have we gained anything from having to play video games in such a meticulous manner? Weaving through gobs of bullets in an STG requires pixel-perfect movement, but it's still fun. This is just arbitrary suffering. 

You want to know the worst part? This review isn't over yet. Seriously, a handful of annoying but workable situations aren't what's sinking Valis IV. The worst is yet to come. For now, though, let's try winding our way back and hopefully discover something pleasant to talk about. MP is handled a little differently than before. Collecting blue orbs will increase its maximum, allowing the player-character access to different charge-attacks. Unless they take a hit, Lena and her crew are always charging. If the MP meter is full when the player presses Up + attack, then they'll unleash a full-screen spell, devastating everything onscreen. It's invaluable when applied at the right time, with the only caveat being that another blue orb must be acquired, before the spell can be used again. The spell that's cast when the meter is at 2/3rds full is also pretty useful, allowing players to hit enemies from different ranges or angles without putting a life on the line. 

Without any indication whatsoever, a rock pushes Lena towards a collapsing bridge.

In all the posted screenshots, you might've noticed the "LEVEL" in the top-left corner. That... that's... oh dammit. Here we go again. Way back when I covered Mamono Hunter Youko, I appreciated the fact that there weren't any power-ups. The heroine's power remains the same at the beginning and end of the stage. I wish more action-platformers were that consistent, especially Valis IV. In this game, level affects both maximum health and attack strength, the two reasons why most of us are defeating the bosses at the end of each act. A high degree of skill and infinite patience might get you further than most, but unless you're level 5, then your best might never be enough. Every playable character has a hurtbox that's too large to be practical. Lena's invincible slide doesn't have enough distance to avoid most attacks. It's still useful, but only in scenarios that were discovered by masochists after they've been spanked for the past hour or so.

What makes the level system the most consistently bad idea in Valis history is that dying drops the protag's level back down to 1. I can understand de-leveling after a Game Over, but why a mere death? Valis IV is quick to hand out 1ups, because it knows they're completely useless the instant someone is defeated by a boss. If you can't beat Galgear's henchmen at level 5, then what are the chances you'll do it at level 1? The large health meter and stronger attack were such a burden. Now free from it, we can- It's not going to happen. The patterns can be learned, the proper strategy can be formulated, but the disadvantages are too numerous. Once that first life is lost, the only recourse is to exhaust the remaining stock and restart the act. Even though these acts get to be laboriously long, it's still faster to try again from the start than rack up a long string of valiant failures.

The 4th boss is where any illusion of fairness disappears. 

It should come as no surprise that the final act is relentlessly cruel. The entire rest of the adventure, with all its death traps and obnoxious enemy placement, was designed to prepare players for the worst. Well, the worst has arrived in the form of a very long act that contains multiple mid-bosses, gratuitous pits, and a finale that's just plain fuck. As is series tradition, Galgear has two forms. The first throws around a lot of hard-to-avoid projectiles but dies fairly quickly. Try to avoid losing too much health. Although the second form's hands can sometimes house herbs, it's not a factor one can depend on. 

Really, the second form is where everything goes to shit. Galgear's floating head is a demanding piece of trash that bounces around the screen at varying speeds, spitting out a glut of tracking projectiles that prey on Lena's huge hurtbox. It's here I learned about more issues that could've improved the game a tenfold if they had been addressed. The heroine can't turn while ducking. In fact, whatever direction she's facing is the direction that she'll slide in. If she wants to slide or attack in the opposite direction, then she has to stand up and turn around. These are actions that take mere frames to pull off, but anyone well-versed in fighters knows that even a couple of frames can become an eternity. Also, the slide doesn't travel far enough. I get that adjusting the distance of the slide would break half the game's "jumping" puzzles, but damn. So much of Valis IV is dependent on a move that just kind-of sucks, and it's shattering my mind harder than a Final Fantasy X battle transition. The motherfucker has way too much HP and spends half the fight invincible. He also flickers during this time but can still do damage on contact. This isn't epic. This is just... nonsense. The culmination of an entire series that blames the player every time it trips over its own foot. 

I sincerely believe that there's a great game in Valis IV. It just needed a few tweaks; a couple design-decisions reversed. Increasing Lena's attack power and ditching the de-leveling mechanic would be enough to make this the best game in the series. I'd go so far to suggest that adjusting the hurtbox, slide, and pit frequency, would make this one of the best action-platformers on the PC Engine. There's so much good here and I... I didn't really talk about any of it did I? My review time was spent in the weeds. Maybe the problem with Valis IV is that it's all weeds.

There is no shocked Yuko, just disappointed Lena.

Turbografx look - Road Spirits

Today is going to be extra special, because I'm looking at the top five outfits in Road Spirits, a racing game by Arc System Works for the PC Engine CD. This Outrun-like boasts an impressive-sounding 17 races that take place all across the globe. From the West Coast to Key West to Easter Island, you're a rad racer trying to outrun the clock. Succeed, and a cute young lady will encourage you to challenge the next track.  Fail, and who am I kidding? Anyone with enough driving experience to hold down the accelerator during straightaways and release it slightly while turning is going to do just fine. 

I don't want to sell this game too short, because it runs and plays quite nicely. There's also a tinge of depth in handling curves. Too much gas can cause a spin-out. Getting the right balance between letting off the accelerator and tapping the brake is what leads to world records. However, each stage takes about three minutes to complete, and visuals aside, there's very little that sets them apart from each other. Also, unlike Outrunners or similar arcade racers, the incentives to use manual transmission - such as better acceleration and higher top speed - are either nonexistent or not pronounced enough. Progress between races is saved, so take breaks between races to avoid burnout. 

On the plus side, the soundtrack is composed by none other than Katsuhiro Hayashi, whose legendary works include Quartet, Galaxy Force 2, and so much more. He did a superb job here, crafting some pieces that are so good they'll increase your maximum health. It's exactly like picking up a life container. However, my advice is to listen to the OST while driving in the real world. Road Spirits tends to drown out the music with engine noise and squealing tires. For all the food delivery drivers out there, I recommend throwing this on while driving through a quiet neighborhood, especially if it's raining. 

Now let's get on with the fashion show!

#5

I just love the color of the dress! It dances on the very thin line between blue and purple, creating a striking image that contrasts well with the frills and top. The hair is also very nice, though I really think some neckwear would've given this look a serious spark. Even something as simple as a beaded necklace would've been perfect. Still. It's quite nice.

#4

Let me just say it right now that I die for layers. The coat, its trim, all good. Sure, I'm not 100% sold on the color combination, but everything else works just fine.

#3

Yes! This is what I'm talking about! Look at that eye-catching belt buckle! The minimalist necklace is brilliantly executed. And she absolutely kills it with the red coat and black shirt No survivors. 

#2

Sometimes, you just have to dress simple and let the accessories work their magic. Earrings, wristwatch, the hat; stellar! 

#1

Now this? This is everything. The long vanilla coat with the gloves and the hat totally blew me away. Again, it's the layers striking my weakness with a critical hit.

2026 Special - Freedom Planet 2

Back in the ancient era (2015), I reviewed an utterly fantastic platformer by Galaxy Trail. Re-reading it now, I probably shouldn't have spent so much of Steam's 1,350-word limit talking about Jamiroquai and Earthworm Jim, but I was trying to set the scene. Freedom Planet was - as I affectionally meant it - a relic. The dream project of a developer with a deep love for not just Sonic the Hedgehog, but all of the classics and obscurities that made the mid 90s a time to cherish. It took the better part of a decade and a lifechanging catastrophe, but a sequel was released. I purchased Freedom Planet 2 day one, spent a few hours enamored with its greatness, and then forgot about it. 

Anyone who has been around me knows that I'm completely inept at holding onto anything good. Only with the most arcane reasoning could I ever explain my eternal mess of an existence. Since most of these wrongs can't ever be undone, I have to settle for revisiting all of the games that were inexplicably dropped and give them a proper look. Jeeze. Not even a paragraph ago the lament was too much Jamiroquai talk in a game review. Nowadays, it's always "Hey! You wanna hear about my latest bout of depression?!" before delving into the jumping mechanics of a cartoon character that squishes aliens with their butt.

So yeah, Freedom Planet 2 is fucking wonderful. Galaxy Trail took on the arduous task of delivering a bigger & better sequel and knocked it right out of the stratosphere. As the story goes, Brevon's defeat at the hands of Lilac and her friends has brought peace to the planet Avalice. Peace never lasts though, as Merga - thought to be sealed forever - has broken free, and she'll do whatever it to takes to get her revenge. I can't be surprised when something like this happens. If video games taught us anything, it's that all seals were made to be broken. Anyway, there's no use in dwelling on the past, because an extremely fun adventure awaits. 

For the few out there who haven't played either game, let me try to explain the basics. After deciding which hero to play as, players are thrust into a world that's divided into action-stages and hubs. Hubs are where Lilac and co. converse with the locals, do some shopping, and get the most out of life in Avalice. Action-stages are... well... Picture something Sonic-like, but with all the dials turned to eleven. This is an explosive epic that's bristling with energy. Utilize your chosen heroine's powers to their fullest to swiftly smash every robot that gets in their way. Each stage culminates in a battle with a dangerous end-boss. Generous checkpoints and a very customizable approach to difficulty ensure a challenge fit for most any skill-level.

I can't say it enough; for a game that moves so quickly, not once did I ever feel like the controls were lacking. Movement and violence come so naturally to me that I'm starting to believe I will be reincarnated as the last of the water dragons, spinning and soaring with as much as ease as turning one's palm*. Or maybe next-lifetime me is destined to be a wielder of the cryo-staff. At least, that's the weapon Neera Li uses in her fight to protect Avalice. Whether you decide to play as her or any of the other three playable characters, do spend some time on the tutorial. It does a great job explaining the basics, while giving plenty of room to test out all of the abilities exclusive to each character. 

Let's talk a little bit more about Neera Li, since she's the first character that I (finally) completed the game with. Her cryo-staff has different moves depending on what direction the player is holding the d-pad when they press the attack or special button. I got a lot of usage out of the down-attack. It's more of a slam than a down-stab, and the special version tosses icy mines. Mainly though, its large hitbox is ideal for most situations. Stabbing left or right seems to be the more common maneuver, but its emphasis on range at the expense of coverage makes close encounters a little tricky. Still, anyone can appreciate the projectile special, as it it's a freezing disc that flies a long distance and bounces off of walls. Throwing one out, then running into a frozen enemy less than a second later provides a subtle hit of serotonin. Landing her up-special is also quite glorious. No matter the game, battering a mech to pieces with a tornado never gets old. Also, I mean, I have to say it. Neera Li is just too cool. Her no-nonsense attitude while she glides through the chaos flicks all sorts of "Hell yeah!" switches. 

The other playable characters also have a plethora of unique skills. Carol has a Jump Disc that can be thrown in any direction. Use it as a ranged weapon, a means of getting around, an escape from deadly danger, whatever your heart desires. Definitely keep a look out for her trusty motorcycle as well. It synergizes nicely with the disc, adding even more dimension to the Wildcat's skillset. With the power of the Phantom Cube, Milla can deflect projectiles as well as fire off several of her own. Master the Super Shield Burst to erase robots with ease. The hound's mobility isn't quite as exciting as the other three heroines, but her "slow & steady" approach is still speedy as heck. If you want the closest thing to a great Rocket Knight in the past 30 years, then pick Lilac. Her specialty is dashing across the sky and through whatever dares to cross her path. I think she might be the best character to start with because of her well-rounded repertoire and bevy of invulnerability frames. 

This is not a secret password. Just Carol finding a Brave Stone.

No matter who you decide to play as, consider mastering the Guard (LB / L1). It works exactly as one would an expect; a free pass from any potential damage, provided the timing is right. Besides trial by combat, Freedom Planet 2 offers multiple opportunities to learn. One of them is found early on in the form of a dodgeball minigame. Avoiding a single ball is simple enough, but when multiple approach, you'll have to use your chosen heroine's momentum along with Guard, because the invincibility period after a successful dodge is pretty short. To put it another way, when an enemy fires a laser, you're far more likely to avoid the blast entirely if you Guard as you're moving toward it instead of while running away from it. If you don't like that explanation, then there's a full-fledged Guarding tutorial later on in the game. Believe me, the developer has thought of everything and provided more than enough resources.

While there are traditional difficulty settings, what they mainly affect is whether or not your chosen character starts with upgrades or brave stones. Upgrades provide some boon that makes the game easier, like extra health, more durable shields, an elemental affinity that does tick damage, etc. Conversely, brave stones are what you equip when you want an extra challenge for Lilac's crew. Naturally, this includes stuff like a time-limit that affects stage-end bonuses and double damage. Most of these are hidden in action-stages, and they get increasingly maniacal the further you get. In short, you have many possible options to create a difficulty level that speaks to you. There are even toggleable assists for everyone with accessibility concerns. The developer has tho- I shouldn't repeat myself.

In the previous game's review, I've talked up its level-design for not falling into the usual tropes of "this is the puzzle stage" or "this is the high-speed stage", and the same absolutely applies here. Galaxy Trail did a wonderful job giving these stages their own identity, oftentimes with unique enemies and obstacles. A typical Sonic-like has a high road and a low road. Freedom Planet 2 has several intersecting roads, demanding numerous playthroughs for anyone seeking that perfect route. I must admit that they're all pretty amazing. The seamless shifting between every road as each heroine puts their entire skillset to work is matched only by the intensity of increasingly frequent robot encounters. The late-game turns that dial from 11 to 13 to even... 14! There's so much going on at once, yet I feel blissful instead of overwhelmed.

By this point, it's not even a question of whether or not the boss-battles deliver. The developer's keen understanding of what made fights in the previous game work is taken to another level here. Bosses are fast, frenetic, and demand patience. Rushing around and trying to meet them on their terms is a bad idea. Focus on defense, wait for opportunities, and it won't take long to score a win. Also, expect frequent reappearances of various bosses as the end-game approaches. They retain almost all of their abilities but take much less punishment. Nevertheless, these "refights" do an awesome job of showcasing just how the high the stakes are rising. 

There are a couple of times where maybe Freedom Planet 2 went a little too far. Ancestral Forge immediately comes to mind as one of the only stages to wear out its welcome. I like the atmosphere in the beginning, but mostly, it's key mechanics. Grab a key from an altar, use it on a different altar, explore the newly opened path to obtain another key, all that stuff. This process is necessary to unlock a gigantic door that leads to... the second part of the stage. Yeah, I don't know about all of that. A first-time run is going to take anywhere from 20 to 25 minutes, which is easily twice as long as most other stages. There's another stage that requires eight keys to power an elevator, but the floors retain all of the excitement found elsewhere in the game.

Admittedly, my potion setup was geared towards having the adventure run as smoothly as possible. Even then, there were a couple of fights that I felt were either slightly overtuned, or Neera just wasn't the best choice. Granted, the game has 30+ bosses that had to be balanced for 4 different heroes and any number of potion/stone combinations. I've already gotten the sun and the moon, so it'd be rude to ask for the stars as well. Alas, the final battle with sticks out as one that probably could've used a few more moments or even frames of respite. She is always doing something, especially during her final phase. I remember having Neera using her down-special pretty often in the hopes that Merga would fly into the mines, but mostly she'd just shrug them off. 

Since I'm on something of a complaint streak, I'll also add that the invincibility period after taking a hit is too short. There's a potion that boosts it to three seconds, but I think that's excessive. The hitbox on Neera's stabbing attack could've been expanded slightly, if only to avoid situations where she's right on top of the enemy and can't seem to hit them. Down + attack still works, though it feels weird having to rely on it so often. If there are other hitboxes that I don't agree with, I'll try and give them a mention. Spirits know that I'm really having to dig to find issues with Freedom Planet 2. The first game had a less-than-amazing shmup stage, something this critic could point to and say "Ah hah! See? I don't have to come up with insightful criticisms!", but the sequel's shmup stage is too short to warrant a nitpick.

I've wasted more than enough of your time. If for whatever reason you still haven't played Freedom Planet 2, then we should probably go our separate ways. Nearly four years have passed since this incredible action-platformer came out. I bought the damn game! Day one! Next thing that happened was that I "went to pick up some milk" and almost never returned. It's finished now though. Now I can move on to the hundreds of other unfinished games that are sitting in my library. Cool. Very cool.

*Yes, I'm dropping a Three Kingdoms reference in a game that has three kingdoms.