2026 Special - Kitsune Tails

I'm supposed to think of a clever intro for the "Super Mario Bros. 3 with lesbian fox-girls" game, and unfortunately, it's not coming together. The braincells must not be coagulating today. Let's just skip ahead to the ramen and pretzels* of the review. Kitsune Tails is a 2024 indie platformer designed to evoke strong feelings about the things that we love to see. Speaking solely for myself, I'm happy to have a jump & stomp game that evokes the classic era. Anyone foolish enough to repeatedly visit this blog has been subjected to my decrepit whinge-fests about modern platformers and their tendency to include a few more spikes and pits than normal. I can't help myself. I like player-expression, finding multiple ways from point A to point B, and so on and whatever.

What we have here is a platformer distinctly built for comfort vibes. It's got inviting colors, a soundtrack that soothes, and a generous supply of checkpoints. Other features that help keep frustration between minimal and nonexistent include constant access to the inventory. Heading into danger and need a power-up? Just pop into the menu and crack one open. Power-ups are bought at the shop, completing certain tasks, or succeeding at minigames. If you prefer to sweat, then every stage can be finished without ever touching the inventory. Of course, it's all relative. Someone who cuts their teeth on Kaizo Bros. is going to fly through no problem, and they'll still have a good time because the game is damn good. Me? I'm more of a "won the first-place-in-his-age-group trophy at a McDonalds championship." level of SMB3 gamer. I had a few struggles, but only because I kept trying to show off to an audience of none. 

On a scale that measures how close Kitsune Tails plays like its inspiration, I'd probably give it a +1. When compared to the raccoon-tailed hero, the fox-tailed heroine has the slightest additional hint of momentum. I've had to correct a few jumps while in mid-air, but this could also just be a very me thing. I've spent less than 10 hours - across two playthroughs - on this game. Super Mario Bros. 3 might as well have been the only game I played for years. Comparing a weekend adventure with imprinted muscle memory is an insane ask, but I am insane... so... yeah. Seriously though, this is one fine-controlling game. Smooth as buttered silk. The crisp movement adds enough weight to each action that I was well-aware of what I did wrong whenever the consequences caught up to me.

Over the course of her adventure, Yuzu comes across various costumes, all with special abilities to master. The game tends to be pretty hands-off, only requiring specific costumes for unique circumstances. For example, the samurai armor allows Yuzu to spear nearby foes. That jumonji(?) yari can also be plunged into the wall to make a stepping-spear. It's one of those abilities that gets used once or twice, then perhaps never again. I feel like there was a little bit of a missed opportunity for some of the costumes. They're utilized more as proof-of-concept than an integral part of the game. Then again, SMB3 did the same thing. The biggest difference is that Yuzu can effortlessly run & jump when she's a fish out of water. Frog Mario? Not so much. Oh, speaking of. The swimming levels here are actually kind-of lit. I was shocked that I enjoyed all of them.

Let me just go ahead and state that I liked pretty much all of the levels in Kitsune Tails. Some of the most interesting from a pure mechanical standpoint were the verts. I liked using the heroine's various talents to clamber up platforms and through the myriad dangers. There's one in the ice-world that relies on skillful Snow Fox usage that's outright exceptional. The only nitpick I have is offscreen umbrellas. They lurk in a few vertically scrolling levels, eager for a sneak-attack. Again however, this is partly on me for rushing ahead as if I had the mad skillz to back it up. 

Now, I know the game is less than two years old, but I have to use open spoilers to finish the review. There's a second playable character, her name is Kiri, and she has a sword. What makes her much more than a melee attack are all of the special moves she'll learn. First is the blade dash, which opens up an entirely new dimension in traversal combat. Slicing through ground or air with ease adds so much to her role in the game. Not long afterwards, she obtains an upward slash, a dive-kick, and a supercharged dash for flying in any cardinal direction.

What really makes Kiri awesome is that touching the ground or striking an enemy will cause all of her moves to "reset". Basically, it means chaining moves together while in midair. The utility of this is really something special and even reminds me a bit of Shinobi for the Playstation 2. Linking blade attacks to cross chasms or climb verts is supremely cool. Shame that there aren't more levels that utilize the other fox-tailed heroine's entire move-set, but it's alright.

The deal with Kitsune Tails is that while the bulk of it is a wonderful platformer with solid mechanics and fun ideas, there's also plenty of minigames to check out. This being the 2026 special, I uh... admittedly didn't spend much time with any of them. Kappa racing or searching a haunted house for treasure isn't exactly what I'm looking for in these women with women games. Still, their inclusion is welcome, as it showcases the skill of the developer at tackling a multitude of genres. Built-in features for designing your own levels or minigames are included. I probably should've designed a few of my own levels, if merely to silence earlier complaints about there not being enough costume/blade-dash-specific content. Thing is, the most level-designing I ever did was for a single-screen puzzle platformer, so meh... You know how it is; always easier just to complain.

Actually, there is in fact a bonus world that contains a handful of levels intended for maniacs. Let's just say these levels showed me that although I like Kitsune Tails a whole lot, I don't love it. You'll need a fair amount of love and all the things that come with (patience & commitment) to deal with these brutal challenges. One level is devoted entirely to ghosts and disappearing blocks. Another has Yuzu trying to master an expert technique. It requires tossing a shelled creature and jumping off of it as it rebounds off a wall. After many failed attempts, I started to wonder if something wasn't adding up, and if the hitboxes weren't just a tad too hurtful. Rather than having my otherwise enjoyable time get blown up by a completely optional mechanic that neither adds to nor takes away from the adventure, I chose to step away and start writing the review.

So yeah, I figure liking a game a whole lot is enough reason for me to recommend it to everyone, and I mean that. This isn't just me liking me some weird-ass shit because it's got level-ups or a hundred secret characters to obtain. Kitsune Tails is a very charming platformer that expertly grasps the essentials and tops it off with plenty of bonuses. Buy it, treat yourself to a playthrough ever year, and maybe life will get a little bit better.

No guarantees though.

*I'm too broke for meat and potatoes.

Arcade Appreciation - Wild West C.O.W. Boys of Moo Mesa

Yup, we're heading back to the 90s for another classic arcade game. Wild West C.O.W. Boys of Moo Mesa, along with Sunset Riders & Mystic Warriors, formed something of a trilogy. I mean, how else could I describe a trio of shooters where four players blast through an entire rogues' gallery and their hundreds-strong army of goons? Besides, the shift in genre was a welcome reprieve from Konami's plethora of belt-scrollers. It also meant more opportunities for their immensely talented programmers, artists, and composers to show off. Anyway, since today's review is centered on the Ryan Brown (TMNT) property, let's uh... let's rodeo! 

After a whole mess of cows evolved into a "bovipomorphic" state - caused by a comet striking the Western plans - they formed a community atop the mile-high mesa they were stranded on. Next, they discovered Steampunk, mined several tons of silver, and built a thriving frontier town. A frontier to what I can't really say. Maybe the comet caused the formation of other skyscraping mesas, and folks would use airships to facilitate trade or travel. In any case, wealthy towns out in the middle of nowhere inevitably fall prey to ruffians. It's up to Marshal Moo Montana, Dakota Dude, Cowlorado Kid, and Buffalo Bull to keep the peace. This is the part where you insert a coin fire up MAME, select your favorite Cowboy, and start blasting.

Wild West C.O.W. Boys of Moo Mess, which I'm shortening to WWC.O.W.BMM for the remainder of the review, is unique in the sense that it's very... kid-friendly? Now, I'm not judging the gaming skills of the kids, nor am I trying to be condescending to older folks, but this is an all-ages shooter. To put it another way, it's an unexpectedly fair arcade game. Actually, fair isn't the word I should use, so let's swap it out for... generous. Yes! Generous! Why, if this shootemup wasn't loaded to the brim with Konami's trademark flair, I'd say it almost looks out of place sitting next to the likes of Golden Axe: Revenge of Death Adder, Parodius, or a multitude of other classics that would gladly exchange your precious coins for a series of boots to the face.

Let me put it this way, if you were a parent worried that your child was going to spend all five of their dollars on a single arcade game, then you'd gently nudge them towards the one based on that Cowboy cartoon they're always waking up at 6:00 am on a Saturday to watch. Allow me to explain just how generous a shootemup can get. Players start with three lives. It takes three hits to end a life, but health-replenishing booze is easy to come by. Health is also restored to full whenever a stage is completed. This is what I mean by generous. One coin is taking a gamer - no matter their age or skill level - much further than if they spent it elsewhere.

Another reason why a life in Cowtown lasts longer than one might expect is due to the complete absence of collision damage. Now, if it were up to me, collision damage would be joining fall damage in Hell, but I understand it's a necessity for some games. Konami thought otherwise. Unless the enemy is shootin', swingin', or creatin' explosions, then no heroes are getting harmed. This has a shocking effect on all interactions, no matter whether they involve the lowliest goons or the baddest bosses. It won't take long for players to realize that they can get creative during encounters, using movement and positioning to place themselves just out of danger. 

One example that immediately comes to mind is the boss fight with Five Card Cud. He's a deadly dealer that employs fancy acrobatics to pelt sweet innocent folks with playing cards. One of his moves is to leap onto the platform where you're standing and throw a few cards. It's actually a bright idea to stand right on top of him, in-between those cards flying to the left & right. The one time you should avoid contact is when he transforms into a massive card, and that's a massively telegraphed move. One of the other villains (I don't know his name) drives a train. During most of the boss-fight, you can park yourself outside of his cannons and safely fire away. Another game would've expected its players to dodge everything thrown in their direction, but this one's generosity extends far beyond expectations. Multiple other bosses can be undone by playing smarter, not harder. I'd say the biggest exception is the final boss. He's got the largest array of attacks, all of which are designed it punish anyone standing in the wrong place for one too many seconds.

As one would expect from Konami's best years in the arcades, C.O.W. delivers seven stages that contain all manner of obstacles and adversaries. This being western-themed, there's the obligatory minecarts, ghost town, and a giant scorpion-infested gulch. Stages rarely last beyond a few minutes. They have their theme, play around with it for a little while, then end before their welcome is worn out. It does get mildly repetitive having two instances where an eagle-riding cowboy guns down goon formations like it's Gradius, but it's also the only instance that really stuck out to me. The majority of the 25-minute runtime is used well. Giving players the choice of the next stage is also a nice touch. The level of difficulty subtlety increases with every passing stage, so choosing to complete the most troublesome of them early is a worthwhile strategy. 

Besides running, jumping, and shooting, the boys are also capable of dashing. This Jump + Shoot technique lets them charge ahead, smashing through whatever's in their way. I can't properly explain why, but it reminds me a little of Rocket Knight Adventures. Mainly I guess because it's a technique that sounds like something to build a game around, but using it poorly is guaranteed to put players in a bad position. The dash isn't invincible, and it won't do immense damage to bosses. It's one of those mechanics with rare-use cases. You'll have to experiment to find them. Still, its inclusion does add to the flavor, helping to set the game further apart from Sunset Riders & Mystic Warriors. Special weapons can also be picked up and held. Mainly, you'll want to hang onto them for specific situations. There's a mid-boss in the minecart stage that can be quickly dispatched with a well-placed boxing glove.

Also, I'll go ahead and mention that this arcade game might have one of the saner second loops I've seen out of Konami. There's clearly an increase in difficulty, as more enemies appear in each stage, and bosses seem a little bit faster than before. Otherwise, it's shockingly restrained. Nobody is firing spread shots or coughing up revenge bullets. Players will have to work a little harder, but there's nothing here that would force maniacs off of the machine. Y'know something? I'm starting to suspect that this game was never intended for maniacs in the first place.

I've done about all I can to dance around the words I could use to describe this Moo Mesa Cowboys game, but in the end, I have to admit that it's a bit on the easy side. Not "You better 1CC this in less than three attempts" easy, but a heck of a lot more forgiving than just about everything else that populated arcades in late 1992. Despite this, not once did I ever feel like its comparative lack of difficulty took anything away from the game. There's still plenty of action, fun bosses, and decently thought-out gimmicks to justify the time I've spent. Plus, it's freaking Konami. You know darn well it's got all sorts of charming details that fans of both the cartoon and video games can appreciate.

Arcade Appreciation - OutRunners

Between Outrun turning the big four zero and Sega prepping their "No Old, Stay Gold" Universe, I'm starting to wonder if something is in the works for the classic racing series. Sega's treatment of their legacy titles has been kind-of all over the place. If you're a Mega Drive fan, then there are a couple of mini-consoles and a pretty solid Nintendo Switch Online library to check out. Master System fans, on the other hand, have to settle with whatever ends up in the latest Yakuza game. It's still world's better than the scraps Saturn & Dreamcast diehards are tossed. The arcade situation is even messier, as a lot of classics are buried in expensive mini-cabinets. One of the only legal methods for getting a hold of OutRunners is to buy the Arcade1up machine, but who has a thousand dollars lying around? No, really, who does? My nonexistent Patreon needs a couple of donations. The only way that Sega Universe could grab my attention is if it put all of the company's classics in as many hands as possible. 

There is beauty in OutRunners that really deserves to be exhibited in the Smithsonian. I mean, it's not just that this is one of the most aesthetically pleasing racing games of the early 90s, the handling is so good that it may very well be otherworldly. The more time I spend with it, the more a couple tons of metal flying across the world at over 450 km/h moves as naturally as an index finger across a polished glass desk. There's something so rich about finding that perfect turn or applying just enough brake to switch lanes mid-turn and avoid traffic. Even during its golden age, I don't believe we ever got enough arcade racers. Threading the needle through dire circumstances sounds like the sort of thing that happens in a shmup, but it can also mean a racing game operating at its peak. 

OutRunners does an incredible job of escalating and deescalating intensity. Technically, it's a 4-minute game, so every second is an essential piece of the puzzle. Let's look at the pre-stage aka the beginning of the race. Nothing happens, right? Wrong! Finding the sweet spot to slam on the gas and get a great start, then shifting gears at the right instant to hit the maximum speed quickly are valuable time-savers. The next five stages are decided by the player, and they're all intricate in design. I'm saying that there's more than enough minutiae to complement the dangerous curves. One stage that readily comes to mind is China. Now, there aren't many difficult turns to maneuver around, but cyclists are a common sight. Weaving in-between them takes serious guts and a 1:1 relationship with my vehicle. Spain has several wicked turns and there's always a car or truck in the last place I'd want them to be. Making the split-second decisions to avoid a crash lights the fire I haven't felt in quite some time. 

Allow me to dig into what exactly makes this sequel work. There are eight cars to choose from, all with apt names and designed specifically to fit a driver's needs. Before going further, I highly recommend learning manual transmission. Besides increasing the car's maximum speed, it unlocks an additional layer of depth that's really gratifying to explore. With that in mind, let's hop straight in the deep end with the 6-speed Mad Power. It has the blinding quickness to crush straightaways, but it'll take a lot of practice and some memorization to maintain optimal speed during turns. Downshifting to 5th or even 4th gear to ensure the best possible acceleration has to become second-nature. Speed Buster is similarly fast, but since it's only a 2-speed, overuse of the brake (or a collision) tends to be much more punishing. Basically, a smaller learning curve in exchange for higher risk. 

Next up we have Smooth Operator, Easy Handling, and Quick Reactor. These three cars excel at weaving through traffic, while also having weaknesses that drivers must be mindful of. Smooth Operator works best as a starter car. 2-Speed, handles nicely on every track, and is quick enough to get the job done. Switch to Easy Handling to enjoy its 5-Speed flexibility. This is a really nice car that feels great to drive. Quick Reactor is a 4-Speed that is absolute aces at last-ditch escapes and getting through the worst scenarios unscathed. However, recovering from a crash is a nightmare, because the car stops dead and its occupants bounce all over the screen.

Finally, there's the specialty cars: Wild Chaser, Road Monster, and Bad Boy. What's unique about Wild Chaser is that it can actually drive off the road without losing speed. This feature comes in handy in situations where the only way to avoid a collision is to veer into the dirt for half a moment. Anyone struggling with traffic should try the Road Monster. The handling is admittedly not amazing, but collisions aren't nearly as punishing. Bad Boy is an absolute demon with its top-class acceleration. Let me just say that it must be handled with the utmost care. One second, I get overconfident; the next second, Bad Boy bashes into everything in sight.

The variety of vehicles, as well as their well-defined strengths and weaknesses, lend this game a huge amount of replayability. There's more than sufficient reason to try every car on every possible stage combination, continually testing and experimenting to find the perfect run. I also love how distinctly arcade-like they are. Besides being driven by a plethora of colorful personalities, the various cars are different in ways that induce excitement. Having a unique drivetrain, a handling/speed balance that excels in some stages yet struggles in others. These and many other variables lend OutRunners an astonishing level of complexity, without sacrificing an ounce of excitement. This is a joyous racer filled with boisterous personalities, all accompanied by some damn fine tunes and immaculate Sega aesthetics. 

Also, I just love how unapologetic the traffic can get. The late stages aren't afraid to stick drones in rude locations, forcing players to make serious adjustments just to avoid a wreck. Clipping one of them doesn't just cause a horrifying loss in speed. That'd be too forgiving. What usually ends up happening is the vehicle that got bumped into will go surging ahead, likely planting itself next to another vehicle. This game might take place everywhere except Florida, but there's positively a little bit of Florida in every driver. It gets ugly, and even a little cruel, but think about how much sweeter it'll feel when you effortlessly glide between other cars. The stakes are high, the rewards are measured in seconds, and it's heavenly. Like I said, there are never enough arcade racers. 

Needless to say, whatever Sega is doing to avoid putting OutRunners into everybody's hands needs to stop. It's a reminder of better times, back when you could drive past a billboard that says Japan, and then Mt. Fuji slides into view the instant you make your next turn. The world, once you get past the endless shit, is actually one amazing place. Driving through it at blistering speeds while masterfully dancing around every curve? That's how art is created. 

Game Boy Look - Embers of Mana

Let me get it out of the way right now, Embers of Mana is an easy recommendation. If you're a fan of Final Fantasy Adventure, the Mana saga, romhacks, or Action-RPGs, then there's plenty to love here. This is a brisk, tightly designed tale about Lene, a young woman fighting to protect the world from Dark Mana. Anybody familiar with the Game Boy classic will instantly appreciate the focused storyline, impressive dungeons, and a level of difficulty that isn't immediately undone by stacking gobs of stamina. 

For the unfamiliar, I suppose a short explanation is necessary. Like its originator, Embers of Mana is a top-down adventure with the screen-by-screen exploration often seen in Zelda-likes. In the beginning, Lene is armed with a steel sword, her steely determination, and not much else. While seeking out clues to prevent the spread of Dark Mana, she'll meet several allies. Their assistance in battle is limited to whether or not a monster happens to get in their way, but they have other talents that help Lene reach the normally inaccessible. She should also seek out the eight spirits governing the world. The spells they provide are pretty helpful. While Cure is undoubtedly going to see a lot of casting, don't sleep on Soothe. Status effects are actually pretty common and dangerous. Poison, for example, actually scales with max HP. Leave it untreated and Lene could see a third of her life disappear in seconds.

Last year, I finally got around to playing through Final Fantasy Adventure. "It's a fine weekend game", but some parts didn't age particularly well. Perhaps the most noticeable issue was the heavy usage of consumable keys and mattocks. The world of Mana is packed with locked doors and breakable walls. Somehow, both regenerate if the hero leaves the current dungeon. Either you're just that good at spotting clues, have a guide nearby, or you're running back to the shop to restock. Embers of Mana immediately resolves this issue by gifting players an unbreakable Watts mattock. Dungeons are much more natural, relying on switches and small puzzles to gate progress instead of just a couple dozen keys.

Another aspect of this game that I really like is its linearity. Each location is a mini-overworld, with the next destination and a town in fairly close proximity to one another. Besides a couple optional dungeons in the late game, there's hardly any reason to wander aimlessly. A lot of unpleasant fat was cut, keeping Lene's quest brisk yet fulfilling. If there were actual cuts, such as missing bosses, then I didn't notice. Another wise move was tossing out the superfluous weapons. From the chain that assists with gap crossing to the axe that fells trees, everything serves a purpose. At the same time, menuing is kept to a minimum, because nobody wants to switch weapons every couple of screens. The author's love for the original game really shines here. They show respect for what made it a classic, while evading the missteps that have taken some of its shine away. 

  

So yeah, easy recommendation. Set aside a weekend and treat yourself.

*Seiken Densetsu: Final Fantasy Gaiden, Final Fantasy Mystic Quest. It's a game that goes by a few names.

Arcade Appreciation - Slashout

A very long time ago, I started this blog as a way to discuss the merits of arcade games, which often go unappreciated. Even the most enlightened community has at least one person who treats these amazing games as nothing more than quarter-munchers, and it breaks my heart. The brilliance of an arcade game is in its ability to deliver intense action and dizzying complexity, often within a minute of pressing the start button. Even if I tend to lack the skill to expertly play a lot of the arcade classics that have graced this blog, I believe in my ability to recognize quality.

In-between a recent slew of random RPGs, I've been working my way through Like a Dragon: Pirate Yakuza in Hawaii. Naturally, one of the many adventures with Goro Majima was a visit to Honolulu's arcade. Talk about Model 3 Heaven! Virtua Fighter 3, Fighting Vipers 2, Dayton- Sega Racing Classic 2, Ocean Hunter, and SpikeOut: Final Edition; an absolute steal for the $20 or less I spent. Okay, so this was - unless you count Battle Street (I wouldn't) - my first experience with SpikeOut. It more than met my expectations. Way back in 1999, Sega / Amusement Vision delivered one of the best 3D fighters around. That's quite a statement to make about a game I only played through once, but I was seriously that impressed.

Keep reading. This isn't actually a SpikeOut review.

What makes SpikeOut so phenomenal is how it effortlessly blends multiple concepts together while avoiding the pitfalls that 3D brawlers often fall prey to. Also, it's controls and mechanics are extremely intuitive. Learning how the game works had an appreciable impact on my enjoyment. Let's start with the Shift button. While this is held, the player-character faces the same direction no matter which way they walk. The second I started using it, I noticed that my movements were faster, more responsive, and easier to plan. I could see and feel the difference, so naturally my mind became occupied by all the ways that technique could be put to use. Next was grappling. The instant I grabbed someone, and knocked down nearby foes with their thrown body, I understood the grab's value as a method of crowd control. Charge attacks are another massive part of SpikeOut. Knowing when to use the level 1 launcher, the level 2 stunner, and the level 3 super adds immense depth to this beatemup. In just a few minutes, I was taught the importance of every move, and efforts to learn felt genuinely rewarding. Despite my extremely limited experience, I could see exactly what makes this game so beloved.

Going into Slashout, I tried to keep outside impressions as muted as possible. However, something to the effect of "it wasn't as well-received" had managed to worm its way into my subconscious. Maybe it was a YouTube comment, a forum post, or I had just absorbed a stray opinion via photosynthesis. In any case, it was a thought that would instantly spring forth after my first couple of attempts at this Hack & Slash follow-up. Even though I didn't have a single clue as to why it wasn't as well-received, it wouldn't take long for me to come up with a large list of possible reasons.

Before diving into the weeds, let's take a moment to give Slashout a proper description. In a world of magic, something bad is probably happening. Choose from one of four weapon-wielding heroes to stop the forces of evil. Each of the six stages is packed with strange creatures to pummel and a large end-boss to conquer. There's actually no real story to speak of. Your selected hero will travel from a vaguely Mediterranean City to the outskirts of a Haunted Mansion, then through the rusted remnants of an Abandoned Mining Facility. Afterwards, they'll play in the Mysterious Forest, challenge the Dragon's Den, and finally battle the Great Evil in Diabolo's Shell. I don't know. Something about it all feels like a pinata that was stuffed with high-fantasy tropes and then given a mighty thwack. There's also a couple of hidden stages, though I'll tell you right now that I'm not interested in seeking them out.

Let's introduce our heroes. Slash is the all-rounder with decent reach, speed, and power. Luna, who looks like a cross between Princia Ramode (F-Zero GX/AX) and Ulala (Space Channel 5), is definitely quick, but her pitiful reach makes dealing with crowds a problem. Axle is a real "swing and want to forget" kind of guy. His huge axe has a good chance of clipping foes, even if they're not the intended target. Lastly, there's Kamui. He's a ninja. That's all I got. 

Everyone works with the same pool of moves. There's the standard attack string, which can be followed up by one of two sub-series. To put it another way, tap the attack button three times, then either attack + charge to perform a launcher, or mash charge to do a different standing combo. You can also press jump + attack to perform a hopping slash, which will knock a foe down and make them susceptible to combos. Chain these sequences together to juggle an unlucky monster to oblivion. Pressing attack + charge by itself will do a sweep attack, good for pushing something off of you. You also have a limited stock of magic for breaking out of crowds or doing big damage after a series of slashes. 

The most notable omission in everyone's repertoire is a grab. Yeah, I get this is a Fantasy Hack & Slash, but grapples were an essential part of SpikeOut. Physical contact is a consistent occurrence, so having some means to rush in and toss someone aside, maybe knock down a few others, could've gone a long way towards making crowds more manageable. Also, while charge moves are available in this game, there's hardly any reason to use them. Their area of affect is ridiculously small, and the heroes almost always get hit out of them. Unleashing a level 3 charged move should've been equal parts satisfying and devastating. Instead, it's just a meager projectile. An overabundance of effort to maybe knock down an enemy.

Each stage is filled with bizarre monsters. How bizarre? Well, off the top of my head there are floating ram heads, goofy chickens, pumpkin ghosts, ghosts with masks, killer top hats, Master Hand from Super Smash Bros, and those drillbots from the 3D Sonic games. Not Sonic Adventure but Sonic Colors or Generations or... Sheesh! I'm flying right off of the track. My point is that these goofy weirdos are out-of-place yet also overdesigned for maximum annoyance. Half of them look like they ought to be knocking some Belmonts off of moving platforms, and that's basically what they do here. They utilize their obnoxious numbers and ridiculous attacks to keep players off-center. I'd call it death by a thousand cuts if the heroes had a health meter that could actually stand up to more than a dozen.

Let's talk about a few of these assholes. In the Mining Facility, there are bomb-carrying robots. Try to combo them while they're still carrying, and you'll inevitably get exploded. That's not their worst trait, however. What they really love to do is sit just outside of your sword swings and throw dirt. Yes, dirt. Piles and piles of it at intense velocities and angles. Oh, and you're most assuredly going to get pelted from offscreen. It happens all of the time. Next are the pumpkin ghosts, who throw giant pumpkins to break up any attempt at fighting. That's not all, because they have a spin-attack with they can throw out on a whim. Almost everything in Slashout lives to annoy, and every hit adds up quickly. If a group of foes act with any degree of cooperation, there's a good chance you'll be struggling far more than any reasonable arcade-goer should have to.

Now hang on a moment, because I'm not done with these assholes. In the Dragon's Den, there are winged cats who rush from offscreen, or spit spread fire from offscreen. Pick your (offscreen) poison. There are multiple instances where they attack as a trio, and it's just no fun to deal with. I feel like the player's movement while shift button is held down should be faster to compensate for the projectile spam and fantastical attacks everything is capable of, but that's not happening. Besides looking problematic, Seppia will strafe and shoot, creating additional misery for everyone who already has a winged kitty problem. 

This all leads to one of my biggest issues with Slashout. It's got this square-peg to round-hole design philosophy. The main reason SpikeOut plays so wonderfully is because its combat mechanics and enemies were designed for each other. Both good guys and bad guys have roughly equal limitations, and it's all due to the fact that they're all humans. Since everything in Slashout is some kind of monster, it has fantastical moves and abilities available to them. A hero doesn't have to worry about something simple like getting punched, or kicked, or grabbed & tossed. No, they have to deal with projectiles, flying attacks, spinning moves, random stuff with weird properties, and so much more. In fairness, SpikeOut has one or a few bad guys with spinning moves, but there's a wind-up, a clear visual indicator, and enough signals to our brains that maybe we shouldn't go near someone that's got a pickax on spin-cycle. 

Then we get to the gatekeepers, and it's more nonsense. A handful of enemies have invincible attacks, and there's practically nothing that can be done about them. I've dodged a gatekeeper's invincible attack, assumed that I had an opportunity to counter, and was immediately made to be a stupid idiot as that foe whips up another invincible attack a second later. My memories of AV's previous 3D brawler are fading fast, but I could've sworn I was able to knock down bosses and keep their invulnerable moves from being spammed. That isn't happening here. I even tried level 3 charges on the off chance that it had the secret ability to break a monster's state of immunity. Nah. That was just a dumb moron move that got me killed.

Each stage ends with a large boss. I can see what the developer was going for, but very little clicks into place. Bosses have an assortment of attacks which they'll perform every other second. It feels like Dark Souls or something, except with stuff that's ludicrously difficult to avoid. Also, the 60 second time-limit doesn't provide many opportunities to look for a window. Players have to do an entire health-bar's worth of damage to get additional seconds on the clock, and that's a big ask when bosses seem to do whatever they want. Now, I'm somewhat certain there's a strategy to defeating everything while taking little to do damage, but the absence of tells and free time has me trapped in the constantly KOed zone. 

Predictably, the final stage is a whole new tier of badness. The first couple phases involve getting shot at by giant eyes while fighting shadows of the heroes. Pick one or the other, not both. Next up is the big bad, looking like a Frieza prototype. As Slash gets repeatedly knocked out by an endless array of projectiles, I'm wondering if I should've played a shmup instead. At least there I'd have the capacity to dodge whatever gets thrown my way. Trying to navigate meteors with a hurtbox the size of an entire body is so far from what I could ever imagine wanting from a SpikeOut successor.  

There's a bunch of other issues worth picking at. Sources of healing are limited to potions and level-ups. Neither can be considered reliable. Several stages have uneven terrain or camera-blocking objects. Since most everything has collision, getting pushed (not hit) by one monster while trying to attack another monster can cause that attack to whiff. These and many other minor problems contribute to game where success and failure are out of the player's hands. Ultimately, it creates a product that exists seemingly to chew up quarters, and that's not good.

Again, I'm sure there are 1CC videos floating around. This is just me speaking as someone who is trying and failing to see the path to that accomplishment. Slashout doesn't feel rewarding to do well in, let alone play. I'm not getting the necessary feedback that lets me know I'm making the right (or wrong) decisions. After a certain point, all I'm ever able to do is sit on the sidelines as whoever I brought into battle is obliterated. I feel bad for them. They were just a hapless shmuck who should've never picked up a weapon. I wish I could've done more, but honestly, I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing. 

Playstation 2 Look - Phantasy Star Generation: 2

"64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, and... let's just make it 71 to be on the safe side." I mumbled to myself. It took 71 battles, but I finally crafted a pair of White Boots, end-game equipment that gives a nominal boost to most of Anna's stats. 71 battles with two whistlers, four whistlers, four whistlers, two whistlers, over and over again. "I must be going insane." I sighed aloud as I drearily fumbled through Rolf's technique menu to cast Ryuka. Truth is, there's no "going" insane. I've been out to lunch since the day someone told me that the definition of insanity is repeating the same action repeatedly and expecting a different result. Screw that know-it-all jerk. Nothing worse than someone who talks platitudes yet never extends a helping hand. Well, whatever. I can't be concerned about ancient history, especially when I have another 68 or 69 battles ahead of me. It's extremely important that I craft the Black Boots. Their single digit decrease in damage is sure to make a difference when facing Dark Falz and Mother Brain.

You're probably wondering why in the name of any deity would I be so concerned about a meaningless accessory. The answer is that I don't think very highly of myself. For reasons that may never materialize, I gave Phantasy Star Generation: 2 a full playthrough. This remake of the Sega Genesis classic was developed in conjunction with D3, a publisher that brought many low-budget (and low-quality) games to PlayStation platforms. In all honesty though, I wouldn't even consider myself in the top 10,000 haters of the Sega 3D Ages line-up. Space Harrier, Outrun, and several others might be uglier than swamp ass, but they're... playable, I guess? Eh... Look. I didn't say I was in the top 100,000 lovers of these middling clunkers. 

I said my piece on the original Phantasy Star II less than a year ago. However, I probably should've mentioned that this is a 15-hour RPG that was inexplicably stretched to 25 hours. What does that make Phantasy Star Generation: 2 then? Oh, that's easy. Sega & D3 stretched a 15-hour RPG to over 35 hours. The simplest thing anyone could've done is implement a handful of QOL features to smooth out the roughest edges. What's here is everything but simple. Basic, functional, and satisfying was replaced with overwrought, repetitive, and aggravating. With only a hint of hyperbole, I can say that this version of PS2 is worse than the original in every conceivable way. "A hint of hyperbole?" Yes, the camera was fixed so players can actually see what's in front of the party. That's literally it.

Let's talk about the big exclusive features, and why I hate them. During his investigations into the recent surge of Bio Monsters, Rolf will acquire the services of various heroes, all with differing backgrounds and talents. Since the party-size is limited to four, everyone else has to stay home. Instead of twiddling their thumbs, they can "practice" or "create". Practice is actually useful since it allows inactive heroes to maintain a level of experience close to those who are following Rolf around. Item Creation on the other hand, is intricately designed to cause psychosis. 

"71, 72, 73, 74, and let's stop there. That has to be enough for the Ice Slicer." I exclaim with a sense of self-satisfaction. "Napalm-Shot!? Dammit!" I must have miscalculated, lost count, forgot to take Amy's contribution into account, whatever. The point is that item creation requires players to participate in a huge number of battles, all to get something that may or may not be useful. It'd be much too intuitive to ask the heroes sitting at home to make a particular item, and PSG:2 laughs at the idea of including a freaking counter. "89, 90, 91, 92" Yes, this meant that I spent an inordinate amount of time counting out loud. The slightest mistake would leave me with something practically unusable. Adding to the annoyance is that creators can overlap. Rudo & Kain create weapons, Hugh & Kain (?) construct armor, and Hugh & Kain & Rudo invent accessories exclusively for men. Only one creation can be picked up. Reload a save if it isn't the one you want. God damn this is so stupid! I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must've been for yesteryear's gamers who didn't have access to PCSX-2's fast-forward. 

The most embarrassing part is how little all that effort actually matters. I crafted Anna's Ice Slicers, even a Lightning Whip. Did endgame weaponry turn her into a warrior goddess? Of course not. Did it make her a force to be reckoned with? Nope. Did she get even the slightest bit stronger? Ehhh... ummm.... IuhhIunno. Something every Phantasy Star II fan has dealt with are all the bio monsters and robots that have high defense. The remake is even more of a slog. All that work I put into upgrading Anna's arsenal was thrown back into my face as she did *plink plink* damage forever. She's my favorite character in PSII; seeing her stuck with Snow Crown duties broke my heart. Ultimately, I invested shit-ton of extra time to get the same result. When it comes time for the final bosses, Rolf & Rudo are still going to be the damage-dealers. Seriously, I think it's bullshit that Rudo's is the only character who has easy access to defense-ignoring weaponry. A competent remake might've tried alleviating the bullshit instead of exacerbating it. We're so far outside of that realm of possibility I'm sorry I even had the thought.

Next up is the battle system. In an effort to increase player involvement, the heroes can charge their attacks. A level 3 charge does the most damage, but often causes whoever performs it to act after the enemy. Really, it's not enough to make a difference. Even worse is the "parry". What this does is reduce incoming damage if a button-press is timed correctly. I'll tell you right now that this isn't Paper Mario. Decent timing isn't saving anyone's life, because the damage-reduction is limited to a single digit's worth. Players who fully engage with the battle system are awarded bonus experience, which again doesn't make a single goddamn ounce of difference. 

The more you know about Phantasy Star II, the more the remake wants to punish you. For starters, talking to the various NPCs wandering each city is required for progress. If you want the Jet Scooter or the Maruela leaf, then you'd better talk to various people multiple times over until they give up the requisite information or key-item. It's such an unnecessary addition that simultaneously makes me feel bad for complaining about it. Somebody put a lot of work giving every NPC plenty of say, and all it accomplishes is bothering the heck out of me. Now, there is a side-quest that leads to reward. Spend enough time with an old man on the outskirts of Piata, and you might obtain the almighty Enhancer. This item permanently doubles physical attack power. It's... rendered mostly useless by all the robots. Never before have I put in so much additional effort to achieve the exact same result. Seriously, what the fuck is the point of anything? 

A joke that's made at the player's expense involves the second floor of Roron Dump. In order to get the Jet Scooter, they must bring Polymetryl to a Motavian on the third floor. Don't talk to anyone on the second floor, because negative IQ Rolf will give the Polymetryl away, forcing a reload or an additional 10,000 meseta to obtain more. Speaking of jokes, I'm not even going to waste oxygen on the requirements to resurrect Nei. Look them up if you need a laugh. 

Every attempt that Phantasy Star Generation: 2 makes at improving upon the original is a total miss. I can carry enough star atomizers to choke a Dezolian Mammoth. They're practically required for the exponentially longer fights with Dark Force & Mother Brain. I can level my heroes up to 99. The experience needed to reach that cap is way past obscene. I have all these new features and mechanics available to me. All of them make the game less enjoyable. I stand by what I said last year. Phantasy Star II is best experienced with a romhack. Don't waste your time with this overproduced shithouse of a remake. 

Super Nintendo Look - Front Mission: Gun Hazard

The topic of today's discussion is none other than the 1996 collaboration by Squaresoft, Omiya Soft, and Cobra Team. Front Mission: Gun Hazard is part of the oh-so-underrepresented subgenre known as the mecha shootemup. At first glance, its giant robots firing upon other giant robots, but there is more, much more to them than that. Think back to classic anime series such as Patlabor. Labors are large bipedal machines that weigh several tons. Their ability to walk and perform tasks are the result of a hundred thousand moving parts. Piloting a hefty tank that could trip over a car or collapse a building by brushing against it requires immense skill. Special Vehicles Division 2 knows that the instant they haul their Patlabors out of the garage, some shit is about to go down that could cost all of them their jobs. The cool robots suddenly become a lot less cool when one wrong step could result in a dozen lawsuits; not to mention the mental anguish that'd haunt the pilot for the rest of their days.

Of course, collateral damage and civilian casualties often go ignored in the war-ravaged world of Front Mission. Nevertheless, walking panzers aka wanzers are still considerably heavy weapons that rely on fusion-powered propulsion systems just to get around. Their size also makes them easy targets for the opposition's weaponry. Jumping, dashing, holding up a shield; all of these actions are noticeably delayed. In short, piloting a Wanzer is a far more involved process than putting one foot in front of the other and firing a large gun. Creating a mecha game that takes all of these factors into account requires an exceptionally talented dev-team. Square went with one of the best.

Gun Hazard follows the story of Albert Grabner: rebel, mercenary, hero. A coup d'etat in his homeland of Bergen leads the young pilot to assist the deposed president's escape. Not long afterwards, his talents are recognized by Richard, who offers him mercenary work. It's the best opportunity Albert has of taking Bergen back from the tyrant who seized it... provided he lives that long. Before going any further, I should establish how progression works in this game. All across the world, there are nations embroiled in conflicts that require a mercenary's assistance in resolve. Each nation contains several areas. These are where the story and action scenes play out. For convenience, areas are color-coded on the map. Red indicates an unresolved skirmish. Blue areas are either safe places to converse with NPCs or optional battles. If it's green, then it's a shop. Head there for new equipment, ammunition, or wanzer-repairing fuel. Breaking it down further; you complete missions and upgrade your stuff until the credits roll. 

It's a little hard to believe that the developer best-known for Culdcept would harbor mecha game geniuses, I assure you that's exactly the case. Before the formation of Omiya Soft, programmers Hideo Suzuki and Yukihiro Higuchi worked on Assault Suits Valken, or what we know in the west as Cybernator. This 1992 game is a brilliant realization of 2D mecha action, an inspiration to many an indie developer (most notably ASTRO PORT). What makes it work so well is... something that I'll have to save for a future review. Originally, I had planned to cover Cybernator first and then Front Mission: Gun Hazard. Instead, I played through the latter twice in less than a year, which is quite the event for my "Has a stack of unfinished RPGs that rivals the Tower of Babel" ass! Point is, there's a noticeable and effective learning curve to both games that elevates them far beyond their peers. A shooter where the mecha controls as effortlessly as Bill Rizer or Lance Bean is pretty cool, but also not at all what I'm looking for.

What makes these games so special is how much work goes into movement. Let's start with the basics. How does several tons of machinery stop running without immediately toppling over? The simple answer is that it never runs. If there's a destination that must be reached in a hurry, or enemy fire to be dodged, then a mech must rely entirely on its dash unit. Propulsion systems placed in the front as well as the back allow the weapon to move quickly without risking its stability. In the case of Gun Hazard, however, there's an important rule to keep in mind: no collisions! Dashing is an essential tactic, but careless usage will be punished. Colliding with enemies or even walls will damage Albert's wanzer. A dangerous situation can be made worse if he's needlessly dashing and crashing into the opposition. One handy trick for all you players out there is to hold up on the controller. This allows the wanzer to maintain its current dash without all the clunky starts and stops. Rolling the d-pad between diagonally left and right is the closest one can get to "precision-dashing" and is a lot of fun to use.

In most other games, jumping is the go-to method for evading danger. That's not the case here, at least not usually. Like I said before, wanzers are large targets. One that's airborne is sacrificing both their superior ground maneuverability and projectile-deflecting shield. That said, there's still plenty of use-cases for jumping as well as the limited-flight capabilities provided by the Vernier system. It just demands a greater degree of player involvement. Your level of agency is far greater than the enemy's, especially when they give up basic functionality (like walking) for absurd weaponry. Learning the when and where of jumping as well as hovering is very satisfying. There's a great degree of control in steering a massive tank through the air and raining hellfire on everything below. It also significantly affects dealings with the few enemies that are capable of flight. Aiming in their general direction and pressing the fire button works... to an extent, but the real magic is in adaptation. I could've said that eventually you'll become one with the machine and effortlessly glide through the battlefield, but I still haven't mastered the controls myself. Somehow, two full playthroughs of a meaty Action-RPG aren't enough.

Twelve to fifteen hours spent in Front Mission: Gun Hazard will provide a lot of opportunities for player expression. Wanzers come equipped with a primary gun; unlimited ammo but prone to reloads. Secondary weapons can serve multiple purposes. Bazookas fire a single rocket for big damage. Wireless gun pods hunt down nearby foes and pelt them with bullets. Bounce Shot fires projectiles that bound across walls and ceilings, handy when storming enemy bases. There's a wide selection to choose from, and they become more effective with continued use. Basically, committing to a loadout confers multiple benefits. You can get by with a basic setup, but sticking with something a little more personalized makes the experience all the sweeter. 

I highly recommend trying several different loadouts. Also, take the time to work with partners who'll join at various points in the story. Their specialized talents don't (usually) make-or-break a playthrough but take care of them and they'll serve you well. The level of difficulty tends to be pretty lax, unless you decide to skip every optional encounter, thus drastically limiting the funding necessary to keep Albert armed and healthy. In any case, experiment as often as possible. Take advantage of the wide variety of encounters. Get creative with the means to dismantle them. 

Seriously, it's actually staggering just how much there is to see and destroy in this tightly designed game. Each nation has unique scenarios, often requiring more out of players than just shooting whatever moves. Wait, let me back up a second. I don't want to imply that there's anything obnoxious like a stealth mission. There are, however, extraordinarily large wanzers to tear apart, labyrinthian bases to navigate, a little escorting (nothing serious), and bosses that won't appear anywhere else. A ton of work was put towards creating an adventure that never gets repetitive or tiring. Excitement is quite literally everywhere. 

Albert will have to leave his wanzer to complete some missions. 

I suppose the one aspect that doesn't quite land 100% is the endgame. By this point, the best weapons are limited to Napalm Shot and Spark Shot. The final dungeon is a series of elevators, and the opposition mostly consists of spherical drones. I'd almost call it an interactive epilogue if the final boss didn't do immense damage with every attack. Still, it is my sincere belief that this is an earned ending. Much like the rest of the game, it creates an interesting scenario that isn't seen anywhere else. Also, given enough time, I think I could recognize the value in not having a gigantic final dungeon with seemingly endless hallways and mid-bosses. Front Mission: Gun Hazard knew exactly when to end, and that means a lot.

If you've never experienced a 2D mecha game, then this is the perfect one to start with. It teaches players all of the essentials of controlling a weighty machine. Nobody is going to instantly master the controls, and that's fine. There is just as much forgiveness as there is friction. Every minute spent inside the wanzer is a joyous one, and the sense of satisfaction that comes from piloting one is something you won't find just anywhere. I suppose this being one of the best looking and sounding RPGs on the Super Famicom is also worth a mention. 

My final rating: Required. Do not risk the possibility of leaving the world without playing this masterpiece.