2026 Special - Athena (NES)

If you're here to read my nuanced (or nonsense) thoughts about the SNK arcade classic Athena, then you'll be waiting a bit longer. The topic of the day is the Famicom port by Micronics. It is, as you probably already know, a shithouse full of shit sandwiches. Look, I'm not going to complain too much, because I went into this with negative expectations. Athena NES is one of the most infamous games on the venerable 8-bit platform, and it doesn't take more than a few seconds of playing to understand why. The music is tortuous ear-splitting mayhem. Controlling the Goddess of Wisdom is an experience so inscrutable that it feels like a meta-commentary. Oh, and the whole fucking thing runs like it's about to melt and explode at the same time. I've cussed three times in a single paragraph! That is the state I am in right now!

I don't believe a normal review with paragraphs or whatever can do justice to this monstrosity. Instead, I'm going to post pictures, then explain what's going on and why it sucks. I've never considered myself much of a wordsmith anyway; more an idiot who wastes his time chasing jet-powered unicorns. Besides, if I thought there was anything here worth defending, I'd put a little effort towards weaving an enchanting narrative. There really truly sincerely isn't a single iota of value here. A good story requires suspense; a task made impossible when I've already given everything away. 

Ready? Let's get on with this bullshit.

In a display of incompetence most stunning, Micronics botched the jump. The first time you press the jump button, Athena does a short hop. The next two button presses, provided they occur a second apart from each other at most, cause the heroine to leap high into the air. Her next jump, regardless of when you press the button, is always going to be a short hop. Was this supposed to be arcade accurate, and if so, then how the hell did SNK make any money from it? Don't answer that. Assume all questions are rhetorical. To sum it up, if you want to leap across a pit or reach a high ledge, then you have to either "prime the pump" with the first button press or make sure that your two previous jumps within the past couple seconds weren't also high jumps. I can't remember the last time I played such a deranged action-platformer.

The fantasy world that Athena inhabits is governed by laws that are unfathomable to mere mortals. Here, we see the heroine grab a bag of money. The game implies that bag is worth 500 points, but if you check the score, you'll see that's clearly not the case. Also, there isn't an invisible digit like in that one kusoge Famicom RPG. 100-point bags of yen are also worth 50. For a game that awards 1ups when certain score thresholds are reached, this is kind of a problem. Then again, I can't imagine anyone spending enough serious time with the port for it to matter. But hey, we'll throw it on the pile.

Anyone who dares to attempt the game is going to eventually hit the roadblock that is the fifth boss. How do you defeat it? Not with a huge sword that's coated in flames, apparently. It doesn't matter if Athena is swinging a sword, a hammer, a ball & chain, or anything else, because none of those weapons are going to work. She needs the bow & arrow. How could you, the player, ever guess? It's not as if there was a single hint. Swear on my everything, it's as if this game tried to mash together Tower of Druaga and Ghosts n' Goblins, ethics be damned. Forcing the player to give up a life, and possibly start from the beginning, over something so inane is extremely rude game-design. It certainly doesn't help that the bow is entirely useless outside of the fifth boss. Picking it up any other time is consigning our hapless heroine to the grim reaper.

Since Ghosts n' Goblins has been brought up, I have to mention that there exists at least one person in the entire universe who thought that having useless weapons drop in the player's path was a good idea. Who knows why they were allowed to get into game programming, but maybe there's an actual reason and I just don't care to find out. In all seriousness. Athena NES's penchant for attempting to drown its players in useless weaponry has to be pointed out, because it leads to situations like the above. Athena's blue sword isn't capable of destroying bricks. It's impossible to walk back and locate a hammer or a stronger sword. Given the circumstances, all one can do is wait for the timer to run out and give the stage another shot. I'm going to assume anyone who got this far decided enough was enough and dropped the game entirely. Even in 1987 there were tons of better choices out there. 

Here's a fun glitch. When Athena is struck by an enemy or projectile, she's thrown backwards a little bit. There isn't any sort of invulnerability period after taking damage, but it's supposed to be balanced out by a lengthy health meter and armor. I say supposed to because there's always a possibility of getting juggled into oblivion by a flying head or some projectiles. Venomous creatures can also cause poison, which is not easily cured when antidotes are only found in the walls. Point is, it's easy to die. If, for reasons that are best left unexplained, you want to see Athena die even faster, then hold down. Crouch, eat an arrow, and watch that health meter go from nearly full to totally dead in less than two seconds. If you're quick enough, you can let go of the d-pad and only lose a portion of health. No doubt there's a technical explanation, and I'd like to hear about it.

Here's another issue that might actually be in the arcade game. I can't imagine why though because it's fucking terrible. Stages tend to have multiple paths, and reaching the boss isn't always just a matter of running from left to right for long enough. That's all well and good, but what isn't good is that there are some holes that dump Athena back to the beginning of the stage, sans her weapon and armor. This particular instance - stage 2 for crying out loud - is outrageous because falling in-between those platforms is surprisingly easy. You have to bash those blocks above Athena before making the jump, or else she bumps her head and OOPS! This feels like one of those joke games where every gag is directed at the player. One other thing: If Athena is carrying a "K", then she doesn't lose her equipment after dying or falling into the wrong pit. I can't understand why something that doesn't kill her would have such a high cost attached to it.

Since the fifth boss is immune to everything except the bow, you'd think the developer would be courteous enough to place one near the boss. Instead, pretty much all of the bows drop in the first half of the stage. Also, there's a rock wall 2/3rds of the way through prevents the player from carrying anything except a good sword or hammer. In a move that's just plain despicable, the only bow that can be obtained is indicated by the red circle. However! If I grab the bow right now, then I can't break through this wall to reach the boss! What I should've done is break the block underneath first, creating a hole for both bow and goddess to fall through. Since I didn't do that, there's a pretty good chance the bow will disappear before I can collect it. Mercifully (?), there's an easy 1up a few screens back, which makes up for the forced loss of life. The stage still has to be replayed, and if Athena dies again because she has no armor, then oh well. That's the price for playing a Micronics game.

World of Hell is exactly what you'd expect. I didn't mention it earlier, but swimming stages have these fishmen that drop magic wands when they die. Wands fire projectiles and don't have any melee capabilities whatsoever. In other words, Athena can have three monsters right on top of her and- okay those are not the other words I should've used. Let me just say that fishmen drop weapons that are implicitly designed to screw the player over. Funnily enough, just being down here means they're shit out of luck. All that happens if someone manages to reach the end of the swimming section is they get to try the stage again, because they were never supposed to fall into a pit in the first place! World of Hell is first and foremost a platforming stage. Feel free to ponder how that could work in a game that's already miserable to play.

I'm at the point now where nothing should surprise me, but this teleporting boss is trying their best. The circle in the first screen indicates that the boss - or at least its hitbox - has appeared, so for a split-second or so, Athena is taking damage from an invisible enemy. Yeesh. 

If there's anything else, I'll be sure to show it to ya'll.

Until then, take it away, Yuko. 

"Oh my God."

Steam Look - Astrolancer

As I type up this review on software that demands more CPU power than the entirety of the 16-bit generation combined, I can't help but be on-my-knees grateful that games like Astrolancer are still being made. Whoa! Slow down! It's a little too early to heap on the praise, isn't it? I guess there's just something strangely wonderful about playing a game while not having any nostalgia tied to the NES classic it's inspired by. Normally, these throwbacks are plain as day about their inspiration, and the inevitable comparisons end up burying the lede. The Guardian Legend is one of very NES games that I didn't get around to finishing until last year. I'm older than dirt and obsess over cult titles, yet I never got around to one of Compile's all-timers. I didn't have 30 years to build my identity around a single piece of media, causing me to launch into a tirade whenever the new game isn't like the old game. For once, I can look at the flourishes when Lancer Two transforms or her damage animation and just think, "Cool references!" 

More to the point, Astrolancer is a tribute to the days when two entirely different developers could release Adventure/Shmup hybrids in the same year. Studio Hexeye shows a lot of love for both the past as well as the present through this remarkable game. Whether intentional or not, the lack of achievements is a lowkey appreciable feature. It allows players to decide the terms and not be judged because they opted for modernized controls or even cheats. Let's be real for a minute, everyone back in the day was using guides & codes to get through games. It was, at least publicly, an acceptable practice. Nowadays though, you can't do that sort of thing because it'll disable the achievements. Try to ignore it and next thing you know, your Steam profile has some weird completion percentage. They're all meaningless stats yet also designed to be inescapable, as if every second spent on a game must be tracked, documented, and scrutinized forever. Social media exasperates the problem by cultivating an endless parade of freakmonsters that'll shout "skill issue" from the rooftops, ruining what's supposed to be a personal journey about creating challenges and overcoming them. I know I'm way off topic, but escapism doesn't feel like escapism anymore. We've gotten so wrapped up in developer's intent or whatever that we've forgotten that there's no wrong way to play a video game*. 

Now that I've dug a fine hole to bury this review in, let's move on to actually talking Astrolancer.

The Galactic Council has tasked Lancer Two with eliminating the Formatroid menace. Out in the furthest reaches of space, these shapeshifting bots have taken over a mining colony. To ensure a successful mission, Lancer Two's internal Black Hole Bomb is primed to detonate the instant she falls in battle. The blast will eliminate the Formatroids as well as the planet they're occupying. Exploding a planet sounds like an extreme measure, but whoever said that the Galactic Council had to be concerned about preserving the galaxy? As sketchy as it all sounds, our heroine must survive seven stages of overhead-shooting-action to save the planet and herself. 

Very unlike its inspiration, this game opts for a straightforward adventure. The first half of the stage - the on-foot portion - has the protagonist walk from point A to point B, whilst occasionally seeking hidden rooms and the E.C.s contained within. Most of the time however, she'll be accosted by enemy robots. As threatening as they are practical, the shape of a Formatroid provides a subtle hint about their capabilities. If one is shaped like a cross / plus sign, then it's going to fire in four different directions. Cone-shaped bots drill their way to the surface and throw projectiles. If you see a robot that has a humanoid form with a big gun in their hands, then it should be pretty obvious what they're going to do next. The one constant shared by robots of all shapes and sizes is the desire to shoot bullets. Their capabilities range from shots aimed directly at Lancer Two all the way to huge patterns designed to cause a beautiful death. I hate making assumptions, but anyone that develops a Touhou farming sim must be a big fan of bullet-hells.

Now, let's pretend for a moment that I was worried about how an overhead-shooter with danmaku-tendencies would turn out. I mean *cough* there's potentially so much that could go wrong when the player has to micro-dodge around an arena that's salted & peppered with bullets. Furthermore, unless modern controls are chosen, Lancer Two doesn't have any strafing functionality. Players would have to constantly reorient themselves to ensure the boss is being targeted. I say all this, knowing full well that Astrolancer 100% nailed what they were aiming for. Fighting bosses is a seamless and pleasurable feat. Their patterns are appropriately spaced out, giving players more than enough time to aim and shoot. Also, on normal difficult at least, there are enough moments where the heroine can stand in betwixt the chaos, pummeling her opponent all the while. The sooner you understand the pattern, the faster you can get to the safe spots. It's natural, gratifying, and quite fun. 

Lancer Two can strike mine carts with her sword to send them rolling through enemies. Also, this might be one of the only times I like seeing a mine cart in a video game.

The second half of each stage is a full-on shmup; pure as a mountain breeze. Lancer Two pursues the boss she had just fought on the ground, blasting any approaching formatroids into space-dust. I have no complaints whatsoever. Each STG stage moves quickly, plays fair, and ends with a very nice boss battle. These multi-phase fights are all well-executed. Bullet-patterns are diverse, interesting, and appropriate for the difficulty setting I went with. Actually, now that I think about it, there are over 25 bosses in the game. I can't think of a single one that made me go "Hm... I don't know..." That's awfully impressive! Although, I suppose if I wanted to get really nitpicky, I'd point out the three or four boss phases that go for 10 or 15 seconds longer than they should. This is nowhere near enough to warrant the docking of points from my review-score, but it is a nitpicky thought that somehow survived long enough to appear in this write-up. Before you scroll ahead thinking that I've finally gotten with the times. No, there isn't going to be a review-score. All scores remained locked in the vault until the heat death of the universe. 

Alongside its plethora of kick-butt bosses, Astrolancer features a very nice selection of weapons and abilities to try out. Lancer Two is equipped with a cannon that fires straight ahead. It's good enough for any situation, and the alternate firing mode is great for close-quarter-encounters (though ECs are required to unlock it). Her secondary weapon can be anything from a shotgun to a bazooka to homing rockets. Depending on one's playstyle they can be niche, or more dependable than even the main cannon. Whichever secondary she decides to use is up to the player, and they can swap it out at checkpoints or prior to a shmup stage. If the Lancer is feeling boxed-in by a surplus of bullets, they can break out of immediate danger with the dash attack. It's also handy for flying through crowded corridors. One neat aspect is that its recharge time is dependent on whether the player taps the button or holds it down. 

Rounding out Lancer Two's arsenal is a wide assortment of auxiliary weapons. She starts with a sword, and depending on the player's loadout, can either be just another weapon or the core of one's gameplan. With enough upgrades, the sword will siphon energy from formatroids and add it L2's reserves. Auxiliaries won't function without energy, so choose weapons that suit the range you're most comfortable in and make every shot count. While I'm on the subject, choice is a big part of the game. Located in almost every stage is an armory, wherein the player can choose one of three auxiliaries. The other two can be purchased in-between stages, but ECs are hard to come by and thus should be spent on permanent upgrades. Honestly, there isn't a wrong way to play the game. Weapons - secondary and auxiliary alike - are designed with purpose and value, yet none aside from the default are required to save the planet. Since they can't have it all, the player's choices make each playthrough unique. If you're still intent on having it all, then don't fret, because there's a New Game+ option.

I don't know how else to say it; this is just a good-ass game. I like the speed at which the protagonist walks. I love that the harder difficulty settings don't increase the enemy's damage output. Bullets are faster, more plentiful, and non-boss encounters up the intensity. These are all great ways to make a game harder to win instead of easier to lose. Aesthetics are all on point. Charming character-designs with a good usage of color and a creative UI really uplift the experience. Astrolancer is exactly what I want to see in a throwback. I admire how this future cult-classic respects its inspiration and has the confidence to try fresh ideas. Instant recommendation.

*Yes, I know there are exceptions, but did you want me to get to the actual game review or not?

Steam Look - GyroGunner

Originally, I had planned on calling GyroGunner "danmaku Raid on Bungeling Bay", but then I realized two things. First is that I can't remember anything about Raid on Bungeling Bay. There's a helicopter, multiple targets to destroy, and it was originally released on the Commodore 64. Everything afterwards is a blur, yet I still felt it necessary to bring up. This might be because free-directional shoot 'em ups that involve helicopters are a niche within a niche within a niche. Comparisons are inevitable when there are only three or four other games in existence. Secondly, this isn't even close to danmaku. The word implies that our little helicopter will be navigating a sea of hot pink death, but the possibility of that happening would require a colossal failure in the pilot's judgment. No, what we have here is a short and deceptively simple budget title. The more you play, the deeper it gets. 

Take a glance at any of the posted screenshots and you'll have a complete understanding of what this game demands from its players. The goal of each stage is to eliminate the targets. Use the mouse and keyboard to fly, shoot, and evade. That green field extending from the copter is its lock-on range. Once the pilot is close enough to the intended target, they can click the right mouse-button to launch rockets. While there is a limited supply of ammunition, it's unlikely that anyone will run out before they complete the mission or are shot out of the sky. The more pressing concern - besides enemy bullets - is the limited fuel capacity. Since their helicopter can't stay aloft for a long time; pilots must devise their own route through enemy territory. Move from target to target, taking care to eliminate everything in the immediate vicinity before moving on. I don't have to tell you that leaving stragglers behind is a terrible idea. Having to fly halfway across the map to eliminate a single red dot sucks on multiple levels. 

At the same time however, you can't just fly directly into the hell and have any expectations of survival. Dodging bullets is easy, seamless even, but that's not nearly enough to overcome a poor approach. In short, GyroGunner prides itself on agency. You pick the direction to attack from and decide how deep into the action you want to get. Stay on the outskirts to pick off targets or strike at the heart with a series of strafing runs. The constant enemy swarms will do whatever it takes to create chaos, so be extra mindful of bullets and collisions. Situational awareness is important, especially so when the situation is a consequence of how you decided to approach it. Nothing in this game is ever "static". Even if someone can memorize and execute the same attack route for each of the seven stages, an ill-timed aerial assault can occur, sending the best-laid plans awry.

There's a nearby jammer that's scrambling my radar. I can't use rockets until I leave the immediate area or destroy the jam's source with guns.

Another detail to keep in mind is that there aren't any power-ups. Spreadshots? Armor? Fuel? Nope! What you start with is all you're going to get, and whether or not that's enough depends entirely on your piloting ability. This provides a serious incentive to learn the game and try to keep damage to a minimum. Credits are plenty generous. However, using them will kill that potential hi-score run. If this was a game that I'd recommend playing for its story, then I would've said as much earlier. What gives this shooter its fire is a player willing to forgo second chances for the opportunity to break their previous record. There aren't any twists, just a steady escalation of intensity. It's an arcade game, just with a control scheme that most any cabinet would struggle to replicate. 

Everything that GyroGunner does, it does with expertise. When I play this, I don't get the sense that an element was mistakenly left out or undercooked. Though the helicopter has little armor, the developer took great care to ensure that it isn't immediately irradicated the instant it flies into a series of bullets. There's a degree of fairness to it that shines no matter the predicament I place myself in. The pertinent information is always within sight, as a millisecond's glance at the mini map is enough to confirm the next destination as well as nearby hostilities to account for. This is just a tightly designed game. 

GyroGunner on Steam

The results of a successful stage. Note the bonus points for remaining fuel and ammunition. There's plenty of optimization for score-chasers.

2026 Special - Monster Sanctuary

By all objective metrics (whatever those are worth), Monster Sanctuary is a smartly designed and engaging RPG. It's also the unfortunate subject of the debilitating process that is video game reviewing. My approach to this, as with most everything I had done during my professional critic years, was to blitz through as much as possible in two weeks and then string a few words together. I know I don't have to use this process anymore and can take as long as I want to review something. Also, why the hell am I still writing these pointless critiques anyway? I have so much free time now to stare at a wall or maybe a ceiling. There's no reason to deny myself the dream life of sleeping 16 hours a day just to continue a hobby that hasn't brought me anything good. 

You've probably never wondered what reviewing over a hundred games a year does to a person, but I'll tell you anyway. After five years to a decade, thoughts that were once devoted to anything besides game critique have disappeared almost entirely. By the time someone finally decides they want to quit, it's already too late. The instant they turn around, ready to face the world they ignored for so long, all that's there is an enormous void. Rather than wade through the inky blankness in search of a purpose, or at the very least, someone friendly who isn't going to use them as a content mill, they retreat back to the comfort of reviewing a dozen lifetimes worth of games. If you know anybody besides me that's like this, please for the love of whatever's righteous, extend a caring hand. 

Anyway, enough about my woes, let's get onto discussing the real victim. Monster Sanctuary does pretty much everything necessary to keep players engaged with its mechanics. It's got a deep monster-raising system, battles where success depends heavily on party synergy. There's also quite a lot of Metroidvania-styled exploration. Indeed, the monsters you obtain carry with them some traversal power or the means to flip the many flavors of switches found throughout the world. An average playthrough could take 25 to 30 hours, and that's without digging into gobs of optional content. New Game+ features and support for online duels round out what should be a very lovely package. I had a really good time playing this... until I didn't.

I want to make it clear that at no point did the game ever fail me. I wasn't completely blindsided by a cheap boss or got stuck in a wall. There just happened to be a point when I became fed up with everything and quit. Explaining why is going to require a few steps, so strap in for more nonsense. For starters, the art-direction is very pleasant, inviting, and not really for my tastes. The friends and foes I encountered all acted as if they were designed by a committee, hardly ever straying from their defining characteristic. It never felt as if there was anything to latch onto. I didn't care about the stories, but never to the extent that their entire presence deserved scorn. More often than not, I just found myself nodding politely and hoping that they didn't try to get in my way. Since this a monster-battler RPG, those hopes were often dashed, and that's fair. 

When I first began to disengage with Monster Sanctuary was after listening to the default battle theme one time too many. The soundtrack is generally quite good; at least during exploration. However, this is a genre often defined by a single theme that's heard for a majority of the playtime. It didn't take long for me to tire of something that I couldn't listen to, so the decision was made to mute the BGM and catch up on my "Other RPG soundtrack" playlist. Even though this isn't something I like doing, it helped make the experience quite a bit more palatable. I was able to focus on enjoying everything else about the game... for a time. 

Acquiring new monsters is as simple as collecting rare drops. Depending on the player's performance, the possibility of rares will increase, which includes the eggs from which monsters will hatch. Players are then encouraged to name their new friend. As long as the generous character limit allowed, I named all of my recruits after shmups. Since almost every battle is 3v3, winners and losers are determined by who has the better party synergy. Leveling is of course, essential to acquiring all of the necessary skills. The boost in stats provided by food and equipment are also really helpful. Really though, the most important aspect of a party is how well each member works with one another. Grinding until one's party can squish everything without giving tactics or builds a single thought is not going to happen, ever.

Basically, a monster's value is in their ability to sustain, eliminate, or spread ailments. Sustain means staying alive, or more pointedly, outliving the opposition. You'll want to seek out creatures that can heal, create shields, or spread buffs that minimize damage. If two sustain parties go at it, then the difference-maker is often going to be a special skill like Age, which increases one's stats for every round of battle they survive. Naturally, eliminate is the inverse, relying on monsters that can dish out extreme damage in a short time. This is where good equipment can turn an already powerful monster into something truly frightening. With the right setup, a Ucan crab will cut through adversity like scissors. 

The specialty I ended up with was ailments. My party, which consisted of two dragons and a lizardman, focused on landing tons of ailments. Afterwards, they'd chew on the hapless opposition as they burned, and bled, and froze, and puked out their guts from the stacks upon stacks of debuffs. It took me about half the game to settle on the trio of Dragon Blaze, Dragon Breed, and IronClad; but it worked out really well for me. The backup units, Raiden, SlapFight, and Muchi Muchi Pork were also great to have for the trainer battles. 

Besides the normal 3v3 encounters that dot each area, it's possible to face bosses. Though it's a 3v1 in your favor, the opponent can act twice and has some appropriately beefy stats. Trainer Battles are a bit more akin to what you might see in similar monster-raising RPGs. The fight is still 3v3, but defeated participants are replaced until one side has lost all six members of their party. Tactics can often change when a new force is introduced mid-battle. Ultimately though, the best indicator that you're doing well is that you're maintaining a steady momentum and keeping the opponent on the backfoot. 

At first, I thought the Metroidvania elements were a cute touch that give Monster Sanctuary its identity. Over time however, I started to question why this game had to be so huge. It's not like, Hollow Knight-sized or anything, but all the biomes feel like they were stretched out to reach some arbitrary size. Each biome adds one or two new traversal abilities to play around with, and there are numerous opportunities to return to previous locations to grab stuff that couldn't be reached in the past. The controls are also quite good. Almost good enough that if the Monster Keeper wanted to just grab a sword or a whip and handle things on their own, then I'd probably still be in for a decent time.

It's just not the kind of environment that's conducive to the review process. With every passing biome, my tolerance for the rigors of battling monsters and grabbing treasure waned. After finding a monster party that worked for me, there just wasn't enough of an incentive to spend so much time on what was starting to become filler. Over a dozen hours were spent watching my avatar jump around, flip switches, and engage in battles that played out exactly the same. I'd command my dragons (and lizardman) to drown the enemy in ailments. Some battles took two turns, others took three. After a couple instances of "No wait, THIS is the final dungeon!", I was beyond ready for the credits to roll. Maybe this feeling wouldn't have occurred if I allowed myself more time with other games. That's just the way I roll though; always on a deadline even when I haven't had one since 2019.

I forget exactly when I stopped having fun, but it must've been at least several hours before I quit. In what had to have been the third-to-the-last encounter, I was pitted against a Sustain-party. My typical combination of buffs and ailments fell apart the instant the enemy could pile on the debuffs much faster than I could remove them. Also, at least one of the enemies, likely all of them, had the Age skill. As I tried to cleave through their gobs of shielding - which replenished practically the instant their next turn began - their parameters were increasing at a rate my party could never hope to overcome. It was during this time that the Terranigma OST started playing, and it got me thinking "Damn. Why am I still here?" 

Invaluably, Monster Sanctuary has a multitude of features to alleviate unnecessary grinding. Bringing a freshly hatched monster up to speed with the rest of the veterans doesn't take any time at all. Building a new party is usually something to look forward to; a chance to put accumulated knowledge to work. My issue however was that I was so burned out from going through the motions that I became unreachable. Investing even more time into a game I only ever seemed to halfheartedly enjoy just to get a +1 to the clear count would just make me miserable.

Xbox 360 Look - Sonic Generations

(This review was originally written in 2011, so think of it as a really dated time capsule)

It’s difficult for me to pinpoint why Sonic Generation exists. Oh, sure anyone could say it’s because Sega wants to make money, and Sonic games are usually pretty successful. When I think about this game I also have to think about the past twenty years of Sonic games I’ve played. I’m supposed to get a little nostalgic and remember the better days aren’t I? No, I can’t let that happen. Just because I hear a familiar tune or see something that brings back pleasant memories does not mean anything. In order for me to consider Sonic Generations a success it has to be on its own merits. Admittedly my judgment gets more than a little clouded while playing this game. Sonic Team knew exactly what strings to pull and what notes to hit. In audiovisual terms Sonic Generations is quite the love letter to fans of the franchise. But if history has taught me anything when it comes to Sonic games I should go beyond those good first impressions to discover if the game itself is worthwhile.

This time around Sonic doesn’t have to deal with ancient civilizations or fuss around with princess-rescuing. All he has to do is go back in time, to another world, where he can…relive past adventures with his former self to save his friends. Back then for all the running Sonic did he was still a pretty chubby guy, and he didn’t talk either. Today Sonic is looking fit, but he just won’t shut up. The two of them must work together to stop something known as the time-eater from destroying the fabric of time and space. The worst-case scenario if our heroes fail is that the Sonic game from 2006 could be willed back into existence, and nobody wants that. For fans of bullet-points this game consists of nine zones with two acts apiece, along with a handful of boss-fights and nearly one hundred challenge missions.

The deal with Sonic Generations is that it follows a bit of a timeline. The game starts off humbly with yesterday’s Sonic sticking to what works, which is running, jumping, and occasionally spin-dashing. Today’s Sonic doesn’t have it quite as simple, since he has his whiz-bang supersonic powers like boosting, the homing attack, light-speed dash, and all sorts of other tricks. In order to progress the Sonics have to complete each zone, rescue their friends, and then take on at least one challenge in each zone to collect keys for the boss battles. If you’ve played a Sonic game in the early 90s and one of the newer games like Unleashed or Colors, then you won’t have any trouble here.

Unlike that time Sonic turned into a were-hog for a rough God of War re-enactment, there is no weak link in this go-around. Retro Sonic lacks the incredible controls and mechanics of his 16-bit days but the levels he explores more than make up for it. Some of them such as City Escape and Sky Sanctuary make creative use of the lost art of 2.5D game-design. There’s something about seeing a rampaging semi knocking down platforms or enemies that attack from the background that is just very cool. The levels also feature several alternate paths and shortcuts, some leading to red rings. These are worth looking for since they lead to neat rewards such as new music and abilities, which I’ll get into a bit later. Out of the nine if I had to pick the worst level it’d be Planet Wisp. Most of the level is spent fumbling around with gears and is generally a bit of a slog. It reminds me of act 2 of the Sandopolis Zone in Sonic & Knuckles, which is one of many experiences I wish I could forget.

As far as concerns Modern Sonic, I have to be honest, I think he got the better side of this game. Now the thing to keep in mind is that two of my favorite entries in the franchise are the first game, and Sonic CD. To me Sonic works best when he isn’t weighed down by context and understanding, and he should stick to running through worlds more fantastical than the next. Also, while he had his trademark blazing speed, it was how he controlled it and used to in advantageous ways to really make his imprint on these fascinating worlds. Today’s Sonic doesn’t really have that ability, since the levels he races through are paced more appropriately with him in mind. Originally Sonic was a fast hero in a slow world, now it feels like the world has caught up with him. When the controls and level-design actually work the Sonic of right now is capable of some great things, and I’m disappointed that it took close to ten years for that formula to approach perfection. It’s really strange how it works out. The Sonic of the past got it right the first time around, and his future games served as an extension of that basis. The Sonic of today and quite possibly tomorrow has seen many ups and downs and only now are things starting to come together, which makes me enthused for what could happen next.

Where the two Sonics really differ is in how their stages play out. Current Sonic relies on his skills and reflexes to succeed while early Sonic understands the importance of memorization and learning his way around the level. This isn’t always the case over the course of the game but it’s rare that either Sonic will find themselves with their roles reversed. It’s disappointing that the 16-bit Sonic doesn’t have his full potential available to him. Because with all of the technology available to Sonic Team combined with the masterful controls and physics of the early games, Generations could have been an absolutely stellar package.

Both Sonics have access to a cache of special abilities they can either purchase or unlock through completing challenges or collecting red rings. Some of them are familiar such as a bubble shield for 2.5D Sonic and others are just mundane like an increased boost meter for 3D Sonic. It’s worth attaining and testing them all since they give incentive to replay levels. The ranking system in this game is very generous, as even new players will be drowning in S-ranks for what they consider to be mediocre performances in the acts. There is leaderboard support however so the real way to prove that you’re the best is through how long it takes you to beat every level.

The challenges are numerous and tend to fall under certain categories. Sometimes Sonic has to race himself, other times he’s given some new ability and must complete a portion of a level with it, still other times one of his many friends assists in his endeavors. As you can imagine, having so many challenge missions to go through means there are a handful of bad ones. Most can be completed on the first attempt but the few that slip by can be frustrating and make one question the decision-making process over at Sonic Team. On the bright side while the missions usually take place in their respective zones, they tend to offer changed aspects such as different enemy placement or in some cases entirely new areas. Plus, every completed mission can lead to a new song or piece of art unlocked. There are about 50 music tracks in this game, and you’re free to select any you’ve acquired for the challenge you’re about to take on. Traditionally the music in Sonic the Hedgehog games has always been excellent so this is a very welcome feature.

Sonic Generations has one of the worst final boss fights I have seen in a videogame. For the most part the bosses in this game are quite good but the finale this time around feels like something that belongs in a “worst of Modern Sonic” compilation along with Sonic Heroes. More than anything this was a missed opportunity that should have been used to create an encounter that both Sonics could team up for. Instead, it feels like something that was thrown in at the last minute to make the deadline. On the bright side at least a very cool special ability is awarded for suffering through this horrid finale. Aside from that mess the only other issues I have with this game involve the framerate and a handful of glitches. Unlike almost all of the other 3D Sonic games I’ve played I can attribute only a few of my deaths to glitches or something involving the camera or controls. It’s a vast improvement but still not perfect in that regard.

As a modern Sonic game, Generations is really good. The levels are generally fantastic and for once I only needed one hand to count the number of times I’ve died due to issues with controls or glitches. It’s obvious that the designers behind this game had a lot of confidence in what they were doing so they really got creative with its levels. As a classic Sonic game, Generations is a solid ride. It’s lacking in the ways that made the early titles special, but it still does the job with some great levels and endearing charm. Whether you prefer old or new Sonic is irrelevant. As long as you can enjoy a good platforming game, you’ll find a lot to like about Sonic Generations.

Xbox Live Arcade Look - Sonic CD

(Note: This review was originally written in 2011)

You may remember that the last time I talked about a Sonic the Hedgehog game I dropped this little nugget: “Now the thing to keep in mind is that my two favorite entries in the franchise are the first game and Sonic CD.” Well, here we are. This is a review of Sonic CD, or more specifically the excellent port that was just released on Xbox Live, Playstation Network (in Europe), and smart phones. It’s necessary that I explain my reasons for absolutely loving this game, because it’s considered a “black sheep” of the series. If I were talking about maybe Sonic 2 or Sonic 3 & Knuckles hardly anybody would bat an eye and this review would be several times shorter. I could also have just said something to the effect of the game not being for everyone, it spoke to me emotionally, and blah blah. Unfortunately, I’m afraid that’s impossible.

First let’s get the important stuff out of the way. For a pittance you’ll receive the best port a Sonic game has yet seen. Christian “Taxman” Whitehead has delivered a phenomenal port; there’s no question about that. To call it perfect would actually be doing it a disservice, since the frame of reference is the original Sega CD version. This edition kicks that and all other versions down a hundred-dozen flights of stairs. The entirety of the game runs at a flawless 60 frames per second, the controls and physics are immaculate, Tails is playable. Thanks to the improved framerate the special stages are at least tolerable instead of absolutely infuriating. Even both the US and EU/JPN soundtracks are included, which won’t stop forum-goers everywhere from arguing over which one is better but hey. I’ve gone through this version multiple times and can confirm that it is beyond flawless. The only problem is…well it’s still Sonic CD, and for some people that’s a bad thing.

I’ve always thought that Sonic the Hedgehog worked best as fast character in a slow world. The most popular Sonic games always seem to have an overabundance of speed-boosters, springs, and other objects that send Sonic in every which direction. In-between those instances maybe I’ll jump on some blocks and grab a few power-ups before I get shuffled off to the next sequence of loops, twirls, and corkscrews. The way I see it, Sonic should have the advantage. Where a slower platformer-hero would have to land on every floating platform to traverse a bottom-less pit, Sonic could skip two, three, or even the entire pit if he’s fast enough. This is part of the reason why I think so highly of Sonic CD, because it challenges my ideal vision.

One would think that after nearly twenty years, I’d have already figured this game out in its entirety and could write a grand thesis explaining its every intricacy and provide sufficient reasoning for what works and what doesn’t. Even after so many play-throughs I still don’t understand it. Sonic CD is an ambitious game, mainly because it was trying to do things one wouldn’t expect in a Sonic game. It’s easy to write this game off simply because it works so hard to go against what we are familiar with. At the same time however that’s part of what makes Sonic CD work so well. We’re supposed to feel lost, like we’re in a world that doesn’t welcome a little blue hedgehog with super-speedy shoes. The loops and twirls are still around, but some are in-complete, like somebody was in the middle of designing a Sonic game and said “why bother?” and just left everything as is. All expectations are thrown out the window from the first act onward and it’s all on the player to make their way through. However there is one sure thing, this game was designed with limitations in mind. If Sonic could just jump over every obstacle what’s next? Maybe he’ll get a cape and fly over entire stages. In a way I got what I wanted, but the most important rule of game-design is to not always give the player what they want.

 Sonic CD’s level-design is very unique, because the first two acts of all seven zones has to account for three different time-periods and their slight yet also noticeable differences. After touching a future or past post Sonic can travel to the corresponding time if he can maintain a certain speed for a few seconds. You may remember in The Legend of Zelda: The Link to the Past how if Link tried to return to his world and there was a rock or a wall in the way he’d get kicked back to the Dark World. The level-design in Sonic CD has to account for every possibility so that Sonic doesn’t find himself trapped, forced under the stage, or tossed in some inexplicable corner of nowhere to rot. This is probably why that in the entire game there is only a single bottom-less pit, and it’s located in act 3 of the final zone, free from any time-travel shenanigans. Also unlike most Sonic games there is plenty of back-tracking involved and most of the time the player can start from near the end of an act and still make their way back to the very beginning of it.

This however does not stop Sonic CD from featuring all manner of twisting passages, tight corners, and an assortment of obstacles thrown around solely to frustrate the player. There are the expected dangers like robots and traps, but like almost any other Sonic game they’re only a threat if you’re after a specific goal. In the case of this game, it’s to make a good future, by either going to the past and destroying generators or completing the special stages. This makes for two goals, one that players can achieve through exploration and the other through finesse, as at least 50 rings must be held to open the way to the special stage. It’s as if the developers behind this game realized the inherent flaw that is the lack of challenge in a Sonic game. After all Sonic only needs to hold onto one ring at all times in order to survive. So why not focus the level-design towards hindering the player as much as possible?

This goes beyond robots or the occasional bed of spikes. Every aspect of this game is designed to waste the player’s time. Enemies along a seemingly quiet road, springs and bumpers that kick Sonic away from his objective, and since Sonic needs a few seconds and plenty of speed to time travel, that means outside of a few locations designed specifically for such an endeavor Sonic is going to have to make his own route. The penalty for failure is exceedingly low since if the player doesn’t get what they’re after they can restart the act without so much as one of their remaining lives getting taken away. There are gamers out there who don’t believe in retries or reloading saves, and I salute their resolve. Attaining everything flawlessly in Sonic CD is where the real challenge lies.

While exploration is key to Sonic CD, the levels have also been designed with speed in mind. Unlike what some will tell you, getting through a Sonic game quickly is more than just holding right and tapping the jump button occasionally. In the Time-attack mode it’s all about timing and memorization. Each act has that optimal path every speedrunner strives for and there are a number of maneuvers that can be performed to shave those precious seconds. This can involve jumping at the right moment to get Sonic that necessary momentum, figuring out the patterns of moving platforms, and generally making a lot of moves while knowing instead of seeing what comes next. Every zone in this game is designed for both exploration and speedrunning, even though it’s not obvious. Even a much-maligned zone like Wacky Workbench has reason for its madness. It’s all the more rewarding when such a convoluted stage can be bested.

All in all, the game plays with both my expectations and ideals. The solution is never apparent, so I have to work around the game’s terms to find it. This may be one of the easiest Sonic the Hedgehog games to stumble through but there is a very special appeal in working through the level so that I can achieve every goal I have for it. This is where its open level-design really excels. Of course, it helps that this game is backed by two wonderful soundtracks and some solid art-direction, even though it’s not on the first game’s level.

The other major reason why I’m so fond of Sonic CD is that even though it has goals, it also gives me ample opportunity to ignore them. This game provides reason enough for players to go into the past, but what about the future? Sure, the good future makes for a nice visit with its pleasant scenery and music, but nobody bothers to see the bad future. I have to visit all time periods and explore, even if there’s nothing of value to be found. Maybe there is some creative trap that isn’t found anywhere else in the game, or it could be just a few rocks designed specifically to hold the stage together. I guess maybe I just enjoy exploration more when there isn’t a reward to be had. It’s like how in the first Sonic game there were alternate paths that held nothing of value. It gives the game a more atmospheric quality; offering a bit more than level-design that simply expects the player to go through the motions to reach the end. What can I say? I’m also the guy who would play through NiGHTs solely as the kids, which goes against the entire goal of the game.

 As a reminder, in no way am I saying that the people who dislike this game are “playing it wrong” or don’t understand it. Sonic CD is a divisive game, and its best qualities are not easily definable. In nearly every respect it could stand alongside the most acclaimed entries in the franchise, but where it differentiates itself from the pack could be considered its greatest weakness. Still, Sega and Taxman have offered the perfect opportunity for everyone to experience this game, and I see no reason why everyone shouldn’t at least give it a look.

Xbox 360 look - Deathsmiles II-X

(Note: This review was originally written back in 2011)

If the idea of a Christmas-themed 2D shooter starring little girls jingles your bells then you’ll be singing “Joy to the World” when Deathsmiles II-X arrives in your stocking, and I seriously don’t think any of this makes sense. The Deathsmiles series has been a bit of a hard-sell not just because it’s part of such a niche genre, but the subject matter is more than a little disconcerting. The original Deathsmiles reached the United States with the tagline “Death smiles at us all. Lolis smile back.” While the definition of what a “Loli” is varies wildly it still carries quite a negative connotation. Aksys -- the publisher of the first game in the United States -- has also more or less washed their hands of the 2D shooter genre. Thankfully in keeping with the spirit of mangled proverbs a door might have closed but a window just recently opened. Deathsmiles II-X is currently available via the Xbox 360 Games on Demand service and while it is at times bizarre and inconsistent the mechanics are superb, the game-design is inventive and accessible, and altogether it is a great package for fans.

 Those of you out there who are unfamiliar with the first game probably still won’t understand a thing after I’m through explaining the story for this game, but I have no choice. It seems that when some young girls suffer tragic unexplainable fates, they are actually whisked away to an alternate world called Gilverado. In this world they discover they have incredible powers and must use them to protect the innocent. Count Dior is the caretaker of these girls and sends them out to do good when the forces of darkness threaten their world. These girls are known as Angels so this game could also be called “Dior’s Angels”. It’d be just like Charlie’s Angels except really weird.

In their latest adventure these angels must stop Satan Claws from ruining Christmas for everybody. It turns out that St. Nick is only jolly when he’s exacting revenge and Dior just happened to be the last guy that sent him back to the Netherworld North Pole. To further his evil schemes Satan Claws also makes off with a handful of wish-granting musical notes. The Angels must trek through six or seven levels facing off against the evil and the absurd so they can get those notes back, save Dior’s life, and discover the true meaning of Christmas. I haven’t quite figured that last part out myself, but I think it involves scoring billions of points.

There’s not a whole lot to say about the Angels themselves. Windia is the emotional type, Casper is the repressed one, Follett is always quiet, and Rosa never takes things seriously. This just sums up the regulars since two new Angels join in for this game. Lei and Supe’s story is shockingly similar to “It’s a Wonderful Life”. It involves big brother Lei trying to save Supe when she falls through thin ice into a frigid pond. Unfortunately for Lei he doesn’t get away with going deaf in one ear. Instead, he and his sister are dumped in Gilverado where a homeless man tells Lei to dress like a maid and get a job at Dior’s. As for Supe it turns out that she has great powers of her own, but Satan Claws discovers this and uses her to infiltrate the Dior home. Look, I don’t know. Is it too late to go back to the “Lone pilot must stop an alien armada” storylines? I really don’t know if I can take much more of this.

Deathsmiles II-X is broken up into three modes. The regular mode allows for whichever Angel you choose to go through multiple stages of horizontal and rarely vertical action. 2D shooter staples are abound as there are bosses to contend with, weak enemies that die in a single shot, and larger foes packing heavy firepower show up occasionally. Unlike most other shooters however there are very few power-ups and they tend to be of the life-restoring variety. Each of the six playable Angels have a regular shot that is used by tapping the fire button (there are two of them for both directions), a powerful shot when the button is held down, a homing attack that is done by holding both fire buttons, and finally a handful of bombs for escaping bad situations.

When it comes to 2D shooters there is always a balance between survival and scoring. Survival is simply put being able to beat the game without continuing while scoring is simply put, getting as many points in the process as possible. Much of the challenge in Deathsmiles II-X comes from the scoring aspect since there are multiple factors to account for and situations can become more difficult to handle as higher scores require riskier play. On the other hand, it is very easy to avoid these situations and play purely for survival, but this will get boring before too long. While this entry retains the selectable difficulty levels for every stage even on the hardest settings it never becomes quite as challenging as the original Deathsmiles.

Just like any other 2D shooter Deathsmiles II-X has multiple aspects and sub-systems that you’ll have to account for if you wish to get your high-score into the billions. Like the prior game the main focus is on the power-up mode. When enemies are shot at or destroyed, they cough up hundreds of rings. One set of rings causes the multiplier to rise while another set raises the item count. The item count must be 1,000 to trigger power-up mode and multiplier must be at or close to 10,000 in order to get the most out of it. While in power-up mode the Angels can collect ridiculous amounts of rings and they must do everything they can to keep power-up mode going or be in the best position to recharge it instantly when it inevitably fades away. Through magic, time-distortion, or something similarly nonsensical, new-types of bullets will spawn when the Angels destroy enemies during power-up mode. These blue bullets are just as fatal as the violet and cyan bits of death that flood the screen and they also follow the Angels around. This phenomenon can be turned to your advantage since after a few seconds blue bullets gain a bit of red coloring to them. These are essential to triggering a healthy recharge and subsequently going into power-up mode, so timing the lock-shot to cancel them out at the right moment is a very useful technique. While in power-up mode enemies in the background that are destroyed with the lock-shot release their own form of homing bullets, by lock-shot-canceling these at the right moment you can get even more rings. These are the fundamentals of the scoring system and they’re also useful during boss-fights as these foes can be “milked” for a ton of points. It's a lot to absorb, but like all seemingly obtuse shmup mechanics, will become second nature very soon.

The Arranged mode is what one has come to expect from a Cave port. If you can understand the basics of the original game, you’ll likely figure out this mode without too much trouble. At its core it involves the Angels throwing their familiars around (little guys that attack and absorb bullets) and going from there. There is also a tension meter that fills when you’re doing great which results in the enemy firing more bullets. That means even more points if you know what you’re doing. It is a good addition and not much more because I doubt I’ll get nearly as much mileage out of this mode as the original. Maybe it’s the pacing, maybe there are just too many bullets, or maybe I just don’t like the screen slowing down to an absolute crawl for thirty minutes straight. Finally, there is the extra mode which is barely worth acknowledging. You take control of a familiar to navigate mazes, jump over obstacles, and generally do whatever you can to collect achievements and stay awake. My advice is to avoid operating heavy machinery after playing this snore-fest of an extra mode and lie down immediately.

Oh? There’s an arcade mode in this game too? Cave would almost love for everyone to believe otherwise because the actual arcade port in this game is quite an afterthought. For the unaware Deathsmiles 2 is a very different beast, because the difficulty settings aren’t available and there are only five stages to play through. For some gamers out there, this might be the best version of the game as more of the challenge lies in the survival aspect and the scoring system is a bit easier to work out. It is a shame however that Cave did little more than a barren port for this game. There are leaderboards at least and if you can look past the lousy visuals, you’ll likely find this mode quite entertaining.

Even ignoring the play-for-score aspects there is quite a bit of replay value to the Deathsmiles II-X package. All six Angels have multiple endings and there’s even a hidden ending for defeating the True Last Boss. I should warn you however that a number of these endings will have you yelling “WHY?” from the roof tops. Still, going after all of the endings can make for good practice since that’s no less than thirteen playthroughs using everybody. The Arranged mode is worth a few playthroughs just for the spectacle of it all and the Extra mode? Well…you can listen to the first Deathsmiles’ fantastic soundtrack.

While it is expected to say that a 2D shooter isn’t for everyone Deathsmiles II-X is a particularly interesting case. Not only can it turn away fans of the genre but it can also turn away fans of the first Deathsmiles. Honestly while I think of the first game as more cohesive and better put-together I get a lot of enjoyment out of the second game. It might be that I’m comfortable with part 2’s subsystems or maybe I just hate Deathsmiles' deluge of revenge bullets that much. Either way this is a respectable followup and I definitely recommend giving it a chance.

4 out of 5