Playstation 2 Look - Phantasy Star Generation: 2

"64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, and... let's just make it 71 to be on the safe side." I mumbled to myself. It took 71 battles, but I finally crafted a pair of White Boots, end-game equipment that gives a nominal boost to most of Anna's stats. 71 battles with two whistlers, four whistlers, four whistlers, two whistlers, over and over again. "I must be going insane." I sighed aloud as I drearily fumbled through Rolf's technique menu to cast Ryuka. Truth is, there's no "going" insane. I've been out to lunch since the day someone told me that the definition of insanity is repeating the same action repeatedly and expecting a different result. Screw that know-it-all jerk. Nothing worse than someone who talks platitudes yet never extends a helping hand. Well, whatever. I can't be concerned about ancient history, especially when I have another 68 or 69 battles ahead of me. It's extremely important that I craft the Black Boots. Their single digit decrease in damage is sure to make a difference when facing Dark Falz and Mother Brain.

You're probably wondering why in the name of any deity would I be so concerned about a meaningless accessory. The answer is that I don't think very highly of myself. For reasons that may never materialize, I gave Phantasy Star Generation: 2 a full playthrough. This remake of the Sega Genesis classic was developed in conjunction with D3, a publisher that brought many low-budget (and low-quality) games to PlayStation platforms. In all honesty though, I wouldn't even consider myself in the top 10,000 haters of the Sega 3D Ages line-up. Space Harrier, Outrun, and several others might be uglier than swamp ass, but they're... playable, I guess? Eh... Look. I didn't say I was in the top 100,000 lovers of these middling clunkers. 

I said my piece on the original Phantasy Star II less than a year ago. However, I probably should've mentioned that this is a 15-hour RPG that was inexplicably stretched to 25 hours. What does that make Phantasy Star Generation: 2 then? Oh, that's easy. Sega & D3 stretched a 15-hour RPG to over 35 hours. The simplest thing anyone could've done is implement a handful of QOL features to smooth out the roughest edges. What's here is everything but simple. Basic, functional, and satisfying was replaced with overwrought, repetitive, and aggravating. With only a hint of hyperbole, I can say that this version of PS2 is worse than the original in every conceivable way. "A hint of hyperbole?" Yes, the camera was fixed so players can actually see what's in front of the party. That's literally it.

Let's talk about the big exclusive features, and why I hate them. During his investigations into the recent surge of Bio Monsters, Rolf will acquire the services of various heroes, all with differing backgrounds and talents. Since the party-size is limited to four, everyone else has to stay home. Instead of twiddling their thumbs, they can "practice" or "create". Practice is actually useful since it allows inactive heroes to maintain a level of experience close to those who are following Rolf around. Item Creation on the other hand, is intricately designed to cause psychosis. 

"71, 72, 73, 74, and let's stop there. That has to be enough for the Ice Slicer." I exclaim with a sense of self-satisfaction. "Napalm-Shot!? Dammit!" I must have miscalculated, lost count, forgot to take Amy's contribution into account, whatever. The point is that item creation requires players to participate in a huge number of battles, all to get something that may or may not be useful. It'd be much too intuitive to ask the heroes sitting at home to make a particular item, and PSG:2 laughs at the idea of including a freaking counter. "89, 90, 91, 92" Yes, this meant that I spent an inordinate amount of time counting out loud. The slightest mistake would leave me with something practically unusable. Adding to the annoyance is that creators can overlap. Rudo & Kain create weapons, Hugh & Kain (?) construct armor, and Hugh & Kain & Rudo invent accessories exclusively for men. Only one creation can be picked up. Reload a save if it isn't the one you want. God damn this is so stupid! I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must've been for yesteryear's gamers who didn't have access to PCSX-2's fast-forward. 

The most embarrassing part is how little all that effort actually matters. I crafted Anna's Ice Slicers, even a Lightning Whip. Did endgame weaponry turn her into a warrior goddess? Of course not. Did it make her a force to be reckoned with? Nope. Did she get even the slightest bit stronger? Ehhh... ummm.... IuhhIunno. Something every Phantasy Star II fan has dealt with are all the bio monsters and robots that have high defense. The remake is even more of a slog. All that work I put into upgrading Anna's arsenal was thrown back into my face as she did *plink plink* damage forever. She's my favorite character in PSII; seeing her stuck with Snow Crown duties broke my heart. Ultimately, I invested shit-ton of extra time to get the same result. When it comes time for the final bosses, Rolf & Rudo are still going to be the damage-dealers. Seriously, I think it's bullshit that Rudo's is the only character who has easy access to defense-ignoring weaponry. A competent remake might've tried alleviating the bullshit instead of exacerbating it. We're so far outside of that realm of possibility I'm sorry I even had the thought.

Next up is the battle system. In an effort to increase player involvement, the heroes can charge their attacks. A level 3 charge does the most damage, but often causes whoever performs it to act after the enemy. Really, it's not enough to make a difference. Even worse is the "parry". What this does is reduce incoming damage if a button-press is timed correctly. I'll tell you right now that this isn't Paper Mario. Decent timing isn't saving anyone's life, because the damage-reduction is limited to a single digit's worth. Players who fully engage with the battle system are awarded bonus experience, which again doesn't make a single goddamn ounce of difference. 

The more you know about Phantasy Star II, the more the remake wants to punish you. For starters, talking to the various NPCs wandering each city is required for progress. If you want the Jet Scooter or the Maruela leaf, then you'd better talk to various people multiple times over until they give up the requisite information or key-item. It's such an unnecessary addition that simultaneously makes me feel bad for complaining about it. Somebody put a lot of work giving every NPC plenty of say, and all it accomplishes is bothering the heck out of me. Now, there is a side-quest that leads to reward. Spend enough time with an old man on the outskirts of Piata, and you might obtain the almighty Enhancer. This item permanently doubles physical attack power. It's... rendered mostly useless by all the robots. Never before have I put in so much additional effort to achieve the exact same result. Seriously, what the fuck is the point of anything? 

A joke that's made at the player's expense involves the second floor of Roron Dump. In order to get the Jet Scooter, they must bring Polymetryl to a Motavian on the third floor. Don't talk to anyone on the second floor, because negative IQ Rolf will give the Polymetryl away, forcing a reload or an additional 10,000 meseta to obtain more. Speaking of jokes, I'm not even going to waste oxygen on the requirements to resurrect Nei. Look them up if you need a laugh. 

Every attempt that Phantasy Star Generation: 2 makes at improving upon the original is a total miss. I can carry enough star atomizers to choke a Dezolian Mammoth. They're practically required for the exponentially longer fights with Dark Force & Mother Brain. I can level my heroes up to 99. The experience needed to reach that cap is way past obscene. I have all these new features and mechanics available to me. All of them make the game less enjoyable. I stand by what I said last year. Phantasy Star II is best experienced with a romhack. Don't waste your time with this overproduced shithouse of a remake. 

Super Nintendo Look - Front Mission: Gun Hazard

The topic of today's discussion is none other than the 1996 collaboration by Squaresoft, Omiya Soft, and Cobra Team. Front Mission: Gun Hazard is part of the oh-so-underrepresented subgenre known as the mecha shootemup. At first glance, its giant robots firing upon other giant robots, but there is more, much more to them than that. Think back to classic anime series such as Patlabor. Labors are large bipedal machines that weigh several tons. Their ability to walk and perform tasks are the result of a hundred thousand moving parts. Piloting a hefty tank that could trip over a car or collapse a building by brushing against it requires immense skill. Special Vehicles Division 2 knows that the instant they haul their Patlabors out of the garage, some shit is about to go down that could cost all of them their jobs. The cool robots suddenly become a lot less cool when one wrong step could result in a dozen lawsuits; not to mention the mental anguish that'd haunt the pilot for the rest of their days.

Of course, collateral damage and civilian casualties often go ignored in the war-ravaged world of Front Mission. Nevertheless, walking panzers aka wanzers are still considerably heavy weapons that rely on fusion-powered propulsion systems just to get around. Their size also makes them easy targets for the opposition's weaponry. Jumping, dashing, holding up a shield; all of these actions are noticeably delayed. In short, piloting a Wanzer is a far more involved process than putting one foot in front of the other and firing a large gun. Creating a mecha game that takes all of these factors into account requires an exceptionally talented dev-team. Square went with one of the best.

Gun Hazard follows the story of Albert Grabner: rebel, mercenary, hero. A coup d'etat in his homeland of Bergen leads the young pilot to assist the deposed president's escape. Not long afterwards, his talents are recognized by Richard, who offers him mercenary work. It's the best opportunity Albert has of taking Bergen back from the tyrant who seized it... provided he lives that long. Before going any further, I should establish how progression works in this game. All across the world, there are nations embroiled in conflicts that require a mercenary's assistance in resolve. Each nation contains several areas. These are where the story and action scenes play out. For convenience, areas are color-coded on the map. Red indicates an unresolved skirmish. Blue areas are either safe places to converse with NPCs or optional battles. If it's green, then it's a shop. Head there for new equipment, ammunition, or wanzer-repairing fuel. Breaking it down further; you complete missions and upgrade your stuff until the credits roll. 

It's a little hard to believe that the developer best-known for Culdcept would harbor mecha game geniuses, I assure you that's exactly the case. Before the formation of Omiya Soft, programmers Hideo Suzuki and Yukihiro Higuchi worked on Assault Suits Valken, or what we know in the west as Cybernator. This 1992 game is a brilliant realization of 2D mecha action, an inspiration to many an indie developer (most notably ASTRO PORT). What makes it work so well is... something that I'll have to save for a future review. Originally, I had planned to cover Cybernator first and then Front Mission: Gun Hazard. Instead, I played through the latter twice in less than a year, which is quite the event for my "Has a stack of unfinished RPGs that rivals the Tower of Babel" ass! Point is, there's a noticeable and effective learning curve to both games that elevates them far beyond their peers. A shooter where the mecha controls as effortlessly as Bill Rizer or Lance Bean is pretty cool, but also not at all what I'm looking for.

What makes these games so special is how much work goes into movement. Let's start with the basics. How does several tons of machinery stop running without immediately toppling over? The simple answer is that it never runs. If there's a destination that must be reached in a hurry, or enemy fire to be dodged, then a mech must rely entirely on its dash unit. Propulsion systems placed in the front as well as the back allow the weapon to move quickly without risking its stability. In the case of Gun Hazard, however, there's an important rule to keep in mind: no collisions! Dashing is an essential tactic, but careless usage will be punished. Colliding with enemies or even walls will damage Albert's wanzer. A dangerous situation can be made worse if he's needlessly dashing and crashing into the opposition. One handy trick for all you players out there is to hold up on the controller. This allows the wanzer to maintain its current dash without all the clunky starts and stops. Rolling the d-pad between diagonally left and right is the closest one can get to "precision-dashing" and is a lot of fun to use.

In most other games, jumping is the go-to method for evading danger. That's not the case here, at least not usually. Like I said before, wanzers are large targets. One that's airborne is sacrificing both their superior ground maneuverability and projectile-deflecting shield. That said, there's still plenty of use-cases for jumping as well as the limited-flight capabilities provided by the Vernier system. It just demands a greater degree of player involvement. Your level of agency is far greater than the enemy's, especially when they give up basic functionality (like walking) for absurd weaponry. Learning the when and where of jumping as well as hovering is very satisfying. There's a great degree of control in steering a massive tank through the air and raining hellfire on everything below. It also significantly affects dealings with the few enemies that are capable of flight. Aiming in their general direction and pressing the fire button works... to an extent, but the real magic is in adaptation. I could've said that eventually you'll become one with the machine and effortlessly glide through the battlefield, but I still haven't mastered the controls myself. Somehow, two full playthroughs of a meaty Action-RPG aren't enough.

Twelve to fifteen hours spent in Front Mission: Gun Hazard will provide a lot of opportunities for player expression. Wanzers come equipped with a primary gun; unlimited ammo but prone to reloads. Secondary weapons can serve multiple purposes. Bazookas fire a single rocket for big damage. Wireless gun pods hunt down nearby foes and pelt them with bullets. Bounce Shot fires projectiles that bound across walls and ceilings, handy when storming enemy bases. There's a wide selection to choose from, and they become more effective with continued use. Basically, committing to a loadout confers multiple benefits. You can get by with a basic setup, but sticking with something a little more personalized makes the experience all the sweeter. 

I highly recommend trying several different loadouts. Also, take the time to work with partners who'll join at various points in the story. Their specialized talents don't (usually) make-or-break a playthrough but take care of them and they'll serve you well. The level of difficulty tends to be pretty lax, unless you decide to skip every optional encounter, thus drastically limiting the funding necessary to keep Albert armed and healthy. In any case, experiment as often as possible. Take advantage of the wide variety of encounters. Get creative with the means to dismantle them. 

Seriously, it's actually staggering just how much there is to see and destroy in this tightly designed game. Each nation has unique scenarios, often requiring more out of players than just shooting whatever moves. Wait, let me back up a second. I don't want to imply that there's anything obnoxious like a stealth mission. There are, however, extraordinarily large wanzers to tear apart, labyrinthian bases to navigate, a little escorting (nothing serious), and bosses that won't appear anywhere else. A ton of work was put towards creating an adventure that never gets repetitive or tiring. Excitement is quite literally everywhere. 

Albert will have to leave his wanzer to complete some missions. 

I suppose the one aspect that doesn't quite land 100% is the endgame. By this point, the best weapons are limited to Napalm Shot and Spark Shot. The final dungeon is a series of elevators, and the opposition mostly consists of spherical drones. I'd almost call it an interactive epilogue if the final boss didn't do immense damage with every attack. Still, it is my sincere belief that this is an earned ending. Much like the rest of the game, it creates an interesting scenario that isn't seen anywhere else. Also, given enough time, I think I could recognize the value in not having a gigantic final dungeon with seemingly endless hallways and mid-bosses. Front Mission: Gun Hazard knew exactly when to end, and that means a lot.

If you've never experienced a 2D mecha game, then this is the perfect one to start with. It teaches players all of the essentials of controlling a weighty machine. Nobody is going to instantly master the controls, and that's fine. There is just as much forgiveness as there is friction. Every minute spent inside the wanzer is a joyous one, and the sense of satisfaction that comes from piloting one is something you won't find just anywhere. I suppose this being one of the best looking and sounding RPGs on the Super Famicom is also worth a mention. 

My final rating: Required. Do not risk the possibility of leaving the world without playing this masterpiece. 

Super Nintendo Look - FEDA: The Emblem of Justice

Mildras Garz has seen better days. Shortly after the Millenium War devastated much of the planet, a new empire rose to power in Skulderia, a small country known for its ancient ruins. Cobalt and his four commodores are seeking out a relic of unfathomable power. All the while, civilians are subject to unending atrocities. Entire villages razed on the pretense that they're harboring rebels. Genetic experiments that are an affront to nature. Brian, a soldier who had seen enough senseless killing, turns on his commanding officer and is promptly imprisoned. Not long after, instead of an executioner's axe, he's greeted by Ain, fellow soldier and best friend. After making their escape, both men attempt to pursue a life without war, but it doesn't last. With all the suddenness of snapping fingers, they're coerced into siding with the liberation. The next 12 chapters in the blood-soaked history of Mildras Garz begins now.

What you're looking at is the ideal way to play FEDA: The Emblem of Justice; one finger perpetually resting on the fast-forward key. In the pursuit of transparency, I'll admit that speeding through grind sessions or conversations between uninteresting characters is one of my sins. If developers wanted players to fast-forward through their games, they would've included it as a feature... like Square-Enix, Acquire, and several others have done over the past decade plus. Seriously though, it's not a feature I want to abuse, especially if I'm serious about critiquing a retro game. However, my attempt to treat this SRPG by Max Entertainment as respectfully as possible was thwarted by its agonizingly slow speed. Either my finger remains attached to the fast-forward key or I give up and find something else to talk about.

If you'll forgive a sudden shift in the topic of discussion, then let me talk a little about Shining Force 2. It is, at least as much limited experience with the genre is concerned, one of the best-paced Tactical RPGs out there. Epic large-scale battles through mountains, deserts, and everything in-between move with just the right amount of snappiness. The cursor that shifts between all participants in the battle is quick and responsive. Even those early stretches where nobody sees combat for a few turns is tolerable, simply due to how fast everything moves. Battles still take a long time to play out, but that's just logistics at work. The maps are large, the enemies are spread out, and there's no telling what happens when both forces collide. No matter what, I'm 100% involved in every moment of the action.

Sometime after playing and loving its sequel, I finally got around to the first Shining Force and was taken aback by its glacial pacing. The cursor I mentioned a second ago moves across the battlefield like it was hit by a slow spell. Cinematics, normally the highlight when opposing forces meet, felt less compelling. Instead of an ally or enemy instantly evaporating the instant their HP is depleted, the game deems it necessary to wait for a confirmation text box. A lot of what makes SF2 work can be attributed to numerous micro-adjustments. Save a second here, a micro-second there, and before you know it, a SRPG feels almost twice as fast as it was before. You wouldn't believe how annoyed I am that the GBA remake of Shining Force is just as dismally slow as the decade-old original. (I'm not that annoyed.)

Due to what I can only presume to be an unfamiliarity with the hardware; FEDA is an order of magnitude worse. The problem isn't that the maps are too large or enemies are spread too far apart. In fact, most battles are solved in a handful of turns. Unlike Shining Force, adversaries typically aren't interested in holding their position. The instant control is handed to them; they'll head in the direction of the nearest ally, doubly so if its Brian or Ain. This isn't checkers, let alone chess, it's just a horde of minions rushing the two units that cause a Game Over if either of them falls. Our issues here are entirely technical. The enemy AI always needs a full second to plan their next move. When a battle cinematic ends, players must stare at a blank screen for 5 to 7 seconds before they can see the tactical map again. Several units clustered in the same area causes slowdown. These tiny timewasters add up. Just thinking about sitting through 80+ battles without a fast-forward key is too depressing to stomach. 

Guerilla Unit 3 is the force that Brian and Ain will be leading for the entire campaign. Up to ten units can participate in battle, and they run the gamut of warriors, knights, archers, healers, and sorcerers. Mainly though, what keeps a unit off of the bench is their Attack, Defense, or Special Ability. Dan the Lizardman is the perfect lure. His high defense ensures that he'll survive a series of attacks. Roiss has a special ranged attack that can OHKO just about anything. Then there's Sonia, whose greatest talent is the game-wrecking magic shield. Unlike the other two heroes however, she'll only side with leaders who are aligned with chaos.

One of the unique features of FEDA is the emblem. Basically, it's your alignment. Focus on the mission, avoid slaughtering every last adversary, and your emblem will shift towards justice. Ignore the objective, kill anything that stands, and pursue optional battles to acquire the chaos emblem. Depending on where your emblem lies, certain heroes can join your unit or choose to leave. There are also four possible endings. Otherwise, the differences are minimal. Shopkeepers aren't going to raise their prices just because your squad is comprised of bloodthirsty animals. Good thing too, because maintaining the desired emblem can get annoying.

To give a general idea of what to expect, picture a battle where the mission is to defeat everyone. You're probably thinking that completing this mission will shift the emblem to chaos, and you'd be right. Someone else might say "Now hang on. We didn't have a choice. It's not our fault they all had to die." To them, I say "tough shit". The creators of this game threw in a little commentary on the nature of war. If you're expecting the world to look favorably upon you because you were "just following orders", then you've been playing too many video games. 

If you're serious about committing to the path of righteousness, then you can't afford to make any mistakes. That means running away from optional battles and avoiding rescue missions entirely. When a hero or heroine's HP is depleted, they're thrown in prison. Breaking them out is as easy as killing three weak enemies, but your justice-aligned emblem will suffer. Being good - or at least as good as a soldier can be - takes a lot of effort. On the other side of the coin, battles can sometimes end with the chaos-aligned player getting punished. I'm pretty sure that an inexplicable alignment shift cost me my only decent healer. Granted, he was a sicko who hypnotized women, but he knew the aura spell. Although, I can only blame the game so much. I likely brought this upon myself for teetering in-between justice & chaos emblems. Nobody likes a tweener. Apparently, the Saturn version made some adjustments to the emblem system to address player complaints. I might give it a shot one day, especially if it also managed to fix the Super Nintendo version's molasses-pacing.

Actually, there's a lot more that needed fixing in FEDA: The Emblem of Justice. The game is simply unbalanced. Early on, keeping Ain alive is an interesting aspect of the campaign. He has high evasion, poor defense, and everyone wants him dead. At level 40 however, he receives a staggering 11 points of defense. To put that into perspective, that's literally 11 levels worth. Suddenly, the most hated wolfman in Mildras Garz is a tank with 30% evasion. If that isn't enough, then have Sonia - or the equivalent sorcerer - cast Magic Shield on the entire squad. Everybody is now immune to attack spells for the remainder of the battle. Here. Let me unwrap this metaphorical scroll that contains the names of each adversary that relies entirely on magic to do damage. Oh! A lot of big names on here! This Cobalt dude, he sounds familiar... Wow! That's a mega oof if I ever saw one! Yes, not even the final boss himself can do anything to get around Magic Shield. Every other boss being a couple special attacks away from dead ensures that you'd have to severely handicap Guerilla Unit 3 to give the enemy a chance. 

Also, in case you missed it earlier, the CPU has a one-track mind that's embarrassingly easy to exploit. I've had battles end in a turn and a half because the enemy commander thought the right call was to walk straight into Brian's open arms. The number of times the baddies got the bright idea to target someone they could actually kill in 2 hits instead of 30 can be counted on one hand. Okay, okay! That's an exaggeration. I needed two hands to count the number of times, and some of those only happened because I was sandwiching the squishy mages in-between Brian and the enemy. 

FEDA: The Emblem of Justice is filled with ideas. However, it lacks the cohesion needed to hold them together. Battles end up being one-dimensional due to overpowered characters and inept opposition. The emblem system manages to be both thematically appropriate and poorly designed. I get the impression that Max Entertainment had a lot of ambitions but also had to ensure that players could finish the campaign, no matter what happens. It's one of the many unenviable aspects of game development. On the plus side, there's plenty of conversations that end with Brian threatening to stick something up someone's ass or Ain talking about dick. 

2026 Special - Psycho Dream

There are some games out there that I have to appreciate, simply because of the bizarre energy that emanates from them. Psycho Dream is a classic example. Back in 1992, Riot put out a platformer that looks and sounds like it was ripped straight out of the subconscious. The perplexingly beautiful music is like a caterpillar that crawls into someone's ear, turns into a butterfly, dies, and is reborn again; all in the span of seconds. Visually, it's not quite as surreal, but still unlike most anything on the Super Famicom. I can't say I'm surprised that such an experience has continued to resonate with the community. Psycho Dream has seen multiple rereleases for modern platforms. Even Retro-bit has a cartridge version in the works. Preorders end in a month. Sadly, I lack both a shelf and the willingness to decorate it with Collector Editions of games I don't enjoy playing.

Sometime after the collapse of Japan's Bubble Economy, a virtual format known as D-Movies hit the scene. Why settle for watching a movie when you can live in it. With little hope of attaining financial stability, teenagers sought refuge in the unreality. Many of them would spend the rest of their lives in fantastical worlds where a better tomorrow was guaranteed. I don't have to tell you that foregoing the essentials of food, water, rest, and activity drastically decrease one's lifespan. In an effort to save people from becoming "Sinkers" - individuals whose bodies die while they're trapped in D-Movies - the government created Diamond Dogs. In Psycho Dream, two agents have been sent into the mind of Sayaka, a chronically ill woman caught in virtual reality's thrall. Take control of either Ryo or Maria, run through six tracks with multiple chapters apiece, then get frustrated with the cheap final boss and quit. 

Since it's the 2026 Special, my interest of course lies with Maria Tobari. As much as I'd like to question her questionable attire, I have to recognize some harsh statistics. Out of the 40 odd games I've covered so far, less than 10% of their protagonists wear pants. Also, she has a whip. The leather boots and leotard might as well be packaged in. One other thing, if I was even slightly bothered by how Maria's dreamworld persona dresses, I wouldn't have even attempted to recreate it in Soul Calibur VI. It sounds like I'm getting sidetracked, which yeah that's kind-of true, but mainly I want to get across that I like pretty much everything about the game. Just don't make me play it.

Maria Tobari in Soul Calibur VI. The guy she's bullying is Roy from Irem's Blade Master.

However, I can only ignore the basic concept of a video game review for so long, so let's talk about this hot mess already. Judging by the familiar-looking health meter and the whip-slinging heroine, you'd almost expect to be playing a Castlevania. Don't hang onto that first impression for very long, because it'll get Maria killed. Yes, I'm going to say it right now: forget about the melee weapon, ignore the purpose of the 2026 Special. The instant that Maria enters Apocalypse City - the D-Movie Sayaka is trapped in - you'll want to start hunting for crystals. These color-coded gems tend to drop from mutants scurrying about the ruined metropolis. If you see a blue crystal. Fantastic. Pick it up immediately. If the crystal is yellow, then wait a moment for it to turn blue. 

I'm being completely serious when I say forget about the melee weapon. Whips and claws aren't much good in this virtual world of lousy hitboxes. Maria is such a large target that getting anywhere near a mutant or their projectiles will result in cheap pain. Anyway, that blue crystal changes Maria's weapon to an arm-cannon. Grab a second one for spreadshot, and a third to make the bullets home in on nearby fiends. Relentless mashing of the fire button will solve 95% of problems. It's not deep or rewarding, but it is tolerable, and that's the most I can ask for out of Psycho Dream.

Crystals of various other colors can be picked up. Green offers a temporary shield, purple gifts the protag a screen-clearing bomb to use at their discretion, and magenta replenishes some health. Last and definitely not least is the red crystal. It only appears if Maria's claws or arm-cannon are at maximum level. Collecting the crimson shiny will unleash her overdrive form. She'll be a spinning, hovering, and bullet-spewing maniac, an abomination that no mutant could ever overcome. The catch is that if Maria is hurt three times, then the overdrive is gone, and she's stuck with the miserable whip again. Bosses will go from fodder to frustrating the instant this occurs. If you don't like taking risks, then stick to the homing spreadshot. Less firepower, but it's harder to lose, so not a bad trade-off.

Whether you decide to approach this game as a subpar Contra or an awful Castlevania, know that there are even more issues to contend with. Psycho Dream is rife with slowdown, and not the helpful kind that helps with bullet-dodging. It's not like Maria is dodging a whole lot with her dominatrix-sized hurtbox. Instead, what all this slowdown does is chew on your inputs. If you ever get the feeling that something is nibbling on the fire button or swallowing those jump-button presses whole, then that's the slowdown doing its "job". Maybe Telenet could've pretended it was intentional; made a claim in the manual that the hardware Diamond Dogs are using to dive into these Dmovies has a weak CPU. Let's pretend that whatever has Sayaka trapped is sending static signals to futz with the connection... or something. 

I suppose it doesn't really matter because 95% of the game is easily dealt with. Mostly, your purpose is to soak in the weirdness and piece together a story that's told almost entirely through symbolism (and what's printed in the manual). The developers were clearly invested in giving the Super Famicom something that defies the norm. Still, I have to wonder how Psycho Dream would've turned out if it was envisioned in another era, genre, or medium. Imagine if this was Survival Horror, a light-novel series, an 80s OVA, anything besides a Super Famicom platformer that's a few years too early. 

Oh, and of course there's the remaining 5%, which outright stinks. The finale is usually where all of a game's faults congregate to summon a bugbear of an experience. Surprise! That's exactly what happens with the final boss. Dodging bullets is already difficult enough when you can see them coming, but Maria doesn't even get the luxury, because her arm-cannon is useless in this fight. If you can manage to destroy the arms, then the second phase begins, bringing a load of input-eating slowdown with it. A terrible end to a bad game.

There's nothing else for me to say. Psycho Dream is a fascinating piece of media, a feverish little adventure. I still think about it from time to time. But yeah, with any luck, I'll never have to play it again.

Sega Genesis Look - MUSHA

MUSHA is one of those games. You know what I mean; the kind of games that are so awesome and beloved by all that it's impossible to come up with anything significant to say about them. How am I just going to say "Oh hey guys! Any of ya'll heard of this MUSHA game? It's really neat!" without utterly demeaning myself. Next week I'll post a Playstation Hidden Gems video, and the first game in it will be Final Fantasy 7. Point is, everyone knows that this 1990 Compile shmup rules, so I'd have to come up with something extremely thought-provoking that'd make readers see one of their favorites in a new light. 

So... yeah... it looks like I'll be sitting here mindlessly tapping my desk and rustling nonexistent papers for quite some time. Mentally, I'm not where I need to be to take on the herculean effort of saying something nice about a game that hasn't already been said a hundred gazillion times over. Last night was... rough... slightly more-so than usual. While working the same pizza delivery job I've had for too long, somebody ran a red light. I was about a whole second away from getting struck, driver-side, and spending this morning dealing with whatever inconveniences that would've arisen from it. A lifetime of Florida-living has produced more near-misses than Dodonpachi and ESP Ra.De mashed together, so all I can do is brush this incident away. Nothing happened; that's something that I have to hold onto, even though it also means carrying the guilt. 

Several real-world minutes have passed since I typed out that last paragraph. My thoughts are currently overwhelmed by the many neighbors, co-workers, and acquaintances who have perished in car accidents. An unshakeable image of a fatal accident I had personally witnessed over fifteen years ago just resurfaced, as well. Right at this moment, my mind is replaying every horrid detail and I can't stop it. Apologies to everyone who just wanted a MUSHA review, but I think (hypothetical) long-time readers have gotten used to the fact that I treat games-writing as an excuse to offload some accumulated depression. My free-trial therapist ended last month and there's not enough in the budget to justify a subscription. 

Anyway, this is the part where I ugly transition into describing how the game works and what the controls do. Players take on the role of Terri, the sole survivor of a squad obliterated by offscreen lasers. She pilots the Metallic Uniframe Super Hybrid Armor, an incredibly advanced and highly sophisticated piece of machinery that doesn't explode in a single hit, provided that she's carrying a sub-weapon. This mobile suit's main method of attack is a cannon that spits out energized shuriken. Grabbing enough power-ups will strengthen it multiple times over. Those same power-ups also add to the option stock. Options fire star-shaped bullets in whatever direction you need them to. It's a lot like Battle Garegga, though not nearly as surgical. 

If you're not already well-aware, then I'm going to tell you right now that MUSHA is not a complicated STG. It's a power-fantasy through and through. Enemies do not serve some broader function, wherein you chain them together or utilize some mechanic to turn their bullets into priceless jewelry. Their purpose is to be blasted into dust a second or two after they appear onscreen. This game is designed around instant action, the kind where all players have to do is hold the fire buttons down and react to whatever happens next.

Something that I've often said about this game is that it's the perfect pick for anyone curious about shmups, but doesn't have any idea on what to start with. It's a statement I still stand by, well... sort-of. Hell of a time to get a case of the wishy-washies, huh? Seriously though, I'm a bit more hesitant to wholeheartedly recommend this to potential newcomers than I used to be. Mainly, it's because there's so much here that players might end up taking for granted. Being able to take a hit while carrying a sub-weapon, as if it's Sonic the Hedgehog's last ring, is already huge in a genre defined by the one-hit-kill. Shockingly, there's more. Terri's mecha is also special in that it has small hurtbox. I'm not just talking "small by 1990 standards" either, because this thing is tiny! 

Forgive the poor editing.

That... that right there almost feels illegal. Having a miniscule hurtbox means that players will be able to get away with a lot. Memorization isn't nearly as important as in other shmups, simply because reacting is enough to guarantee survival. Actually, I have to take that back. There are a handful of instances that can be considered "memorization-checks". Enemy homing missiles come in two flavors: white vanilla and black licorice. Vanilla is curvy, fluffy, and easy to get rid of. Licorice however must always be treated with respect. One of the sub-bosses in the final stage alternates between both flavors, creating what is probably one of the most important teaching moments in the entire game. 

Still, having to get that far just for a teachable experience is going to create expectations that clash with the norm. Consoles tend to house shmups that are far more forgiving than what's in the arcades, but MUSHA is one that I'd consider on another level. Back in the day, my ten-year-old self flew through it with relatively little trouble, and he was the type of gamer that couldn't get past stage five in Life Force with the 30-lives code! The way I'm speaking right now, you'd almost get the impression that I'm teetering on the edge of not wholeheartedly recommending this game... and God no... I'm sorry for even suggesting such blasphemy.

I sincerely believe MUSHA is one of the best Mega Drive games ever made. It's the essence of effortlessly playable. Compile was one of those developers that could capture lightning in a bottle, then smash that bottle and recapture that lightning just to prove a point. They had an innate knack for piecing together all of the necessities to make a great shooter. I think this is one of those times where they did exactly what they needed to do, then made the right call to step away and move on. It's the restraint that brings everything together, making for a shmup that even the most hardened of hardened veterans can find joy in. Being the gold-standard in terms of presentation certainly doesn't hurt. The action is bolstered by an immense soundtrack and a visual direction that hasn't aged a bit. 

Sadly, and not the least bit shockingly, I don't have anything else to add. This STG is one of those rare cases where the developer made it look so easy that false ideas start to formulate. "Why isn't everyone making games this good?" said I from another time, completely ignoring the thousands of moving parts and at-times otherworldly influences that make a product more than just avoiding bullets and blowing shit up. In their toying with a genre built on friction, Compile created what I can only describe as a lightning unicorn. It's so smooth, so breezy, so reassuring, so many things that I'm not supposed to love, and yet... Damn. Like I said, there's nothing I can say. 

Super Nintendo Look - Secret of Mana: Climate Crisis (Turbo)

Good news, everybody! It's that time again when I drop everything to devote all of my attention to a random game. I may have written about Secret of Mana before and probably shared some strong words that weren't especially positive. Whether or not that's actually true is irrelevant, because I know for a fact that 1993-1995 me was obsessed. It was, alongside Final Fantasy "III", one of the only Super Nintendo games I actually owned. Both saw an unholy number of playthroughs, far more than anything since. 

Actually, let's skip past the nostalgia waxing and move onto the topic of today's look. Secret of Mana: Climate Crisis (Turbo) is a romhack that extensively rearranges the Squaresoft classic. The synopsis is roughly unchanged. While the wounds of a cataclysmic war struggle to heal, a young man stumbles upon a sword, and his destiny is changed forever. Forever in this case is closer to the next 20 to 30 hours, but you know what I mean. Anyway, the World of Mana, as if it didn't have enough problems, is now suffering with climate change. Due to forces both known and unknown, the lands that our heroes call home has been trapped in an eternal winter. Rivers running through Pandora have been contaminated by The Empire's wastewater. The one land you'd expect to see constant ice and snow has turned to mud. Every region is on the verge of catastrophe. 

I mentioned that this is an extensive rearrangement, and this becomes noticeable the instant Jema tells "Sword Boy" (Let's call him Larz) to visit Luka, the guardian of the Earth Palace. We won't actually be visiting the Water Palace until close to the end of the adventure. Fear not, healing spell fans, for that duty has been transferred to Luna. We'll recruit that spirit in the Upper Lands. As you might've ascertained, spells were moved around quite a bit. "The Girl" (Flan) still specializes in support magic, and "The Sprite" (Victy) in attack magic. Sidenote: Yes, I named the third main character after the Kangaroo in Bare Knuckle 3. Multiple spells had their properties enhanced, and a couple of others were discarded entirely. Saber spells are still around, and they're almost exclusive to Larz. They're far more significant than in vanilla Secret of Mana. If you see a boss that's strong against Gnome cast stone saber on your party, then you'd better undo that immediately.

Oh, right, I've already gotten this far into the review and haven't even acknowledged the (Turbo) part. This romhack has multiple variations. Most change the difficulty, increasing enemy parameters and all that. Turbo though, that's what caught my attention. Its big feature is excising one of the combat system's central mechanics. You know how when playing Secret of Mana, you had to wait for the gauge to reach 100% or else your weapon attacks did very little damage? That's gone *poof*. Every attack that lands will do the full amount. Charged moves have also been rebalanced. The meter moves faster, increasing in speed as the heroes obtain level-ups. The Speed-Up spell also affects the charging rate, so consider training it if you want to see more level 8 special moves.

Turbo is, quite literally, a gamechanger. Secret of Mana has some pretty interesting mechanics that go unnoticed due to all of the wait time. Monsters have various "states" that they can be in. Some can't be hurt during a stun animation, while others have attacks that can't be interrupted. It pays to be aware of all these different properties, though rushing in while mashing the attack button also works fine. Due to the shifts in charging speed, special moves are more prevalent and should be incorporated into everyone's strategy. Something that I like to do is have my lead character focus on stunning and pushing enemies around, setting them up to get devastated by my allies' huge attacks. Altogether, battles are less stilted, more dynamic, and creates a greater degree of player expression. Just about every weapon feels better to use. Their strengths are more pronounced, allowing players to do more than just crush everything with the highest possible numbers.

This romhack does a great job of expanding the scope of the game world. There are not only more dungeons to explore, but a handful of them have been reworked to be more compelling. One of the more interesting reworks has to be the Platinum Island. Originally, this was Gold Island. Getting into its tower palace required a short detour to grab a key. Now that detour is an entire dungeon. On the outskirts of Kakkara, there's a palace being swallowed up by a void caused by the Mana Fortress. The heroic trio will have to raise this palace out of the darkness, reach the Mana seed, and rescue a few friends along the way. The many side-characters play a larger role in the narrative, which is really nice to see. I also appreciate that all of the added content isn't a detriment to the pacing. This is still very much a game that moves quickly, never allowing a single location to wear down its players. Clearly, the team behind this hack knew exactly what made the original so beloved and did an impressive job expanding upon it.

I must also show some love for the changes made to boss battles. They're noticeably more pronounced and effective than before. Tropicallo is - would you believe it - actually a bit of a threat. Tougher, more climactic bosses were moved to different locations. The big boss at the end of the Emperor's Castle isn't that guy with a speeder bike. Due in part to Turbo doubling everything's HP, battles tend to be much more involved than stacking spells. Since bosses respond to practically every instance of damage, you'll want to hit them as hard as possible, i.e. with charged moves. Weak hits provide them more opportunities to counterattack, and that can get devastating if the party is under-levelled. That said, I'd be really surprised if you were anything besides over-levelled for each boss. Experience is doubled in the Turbo version. Something to keep in mind though is that a handful of bosses ramp up the intensity, even going so far to engage in spell-stacking of their own. Even if every fight ends up being pretty easy, there's still enough to them to warrant the player's focus. 

Considering that I dropped everything to play a game I thought I had enough of decades ago, it's easy to see that Secret of Mana: Climate Crisis accomplished exactly what it set out to do. This is a really thoughtful and enjoyable hack of a SNES classic. A lot of love went into breathing new life into the dated combat mechanics and wonky balancing. Oh, and Turbo mode? Amazing addition. I'm really glad to see it as well as a wide range of difficulty options. 

Definitely check out this new spin on an old favorite.

2026 Special - Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night

It's impossible for me to explain how much of an impact Shutaro Iida had on Metroidvania, but for the sake of a programming legend, I have to try. Though Castlevania: Circle of the Moon and Harmony of Dissonance were admirable efforts, it was Aria of Sorrow that felt like a true Symphony of the Night successor. Everything from Soma's movement to enemy behavior to all the subsystems and underlying mechanics was brilliantly adapted. Without a doubt, it was Iida's work as chief programmer that made Aria an all-time classic. The same can be said about the Nintendo DS trilogy. Rather than just repeat what worked on the GBA, Iida and his team created new, more ambitious systems. Part of what makes these games so magical is how seamlessly they weave their complex action and RPG elements. You could play Soma & co. as another vampire hunter that swung a weapon and jumped a lot, or you could transform them into the back-dashing army-summoning force of nature that makes the screen explode. Both are valid and incredibly well-realized. 

While I decide on what to say next, there's an itch somewhere in the back of my mind that needs a scratch. Calling these games Metroidvanias is starting to sound... wrong. I know Igavania exists. I've used it a few times myself. I just get the feeling that we as a gaming community have stuck with what's basically the lack of a better term for decades. Bloodstained and its ilk are practically a subgenre unto themselves compared to Hollow Knight, or Guacamelee! or Rabi-Ribi or countless others. Even Team Ladybug's titles like Deedlit in the Wonder Labyrinth and Blade Chimera aren't quite the same, despite featuring level-ups and rare-drops. Of course, I say all this, yet I'm unable to come up with a term of my own one, at least not one that's respectful to some of my favorite games ever made. They're dense, comfy, effortlessly juggle a hundred moving parts, and with the tragic passing of Shutaro Iida, we may never see them again. 

There's a ton to be said about Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night, but I'm going to start with a few of the little things that I love. I love Miriam's dive-kick. The way she can leap off of a candle whilst collecting its contents owns my heart. My adoration for how she summons Buers to use as stepping-stones is immeasurable. Oh, and you'd better believe I love that a significant portion of the castle is filled with enough strategically placed candles and demons for Miriam to play a "The floor is Lava" minigame whenever she wants. You know what else I love? Finding that sweet spot where Miriam gets a lot of distance with her dive-kick, while avoiding the frame-wasting crouched state that occurs upon a landing from too high. There are so many details surrounding just one aspect of our heroine that it creates an irreplaceable feeling of comfort. 

Much like the handful of vampire hunters that preceded her, Miriam is skilled in the ancient art of backstep-cancelling. It's her primary method for getting from one room of the castle to the next. Sure, she could jog to the next destination, eyes forward and all that, but what gives these games their enigmatic beauty is rapidly alternating between L1 and down presses to move at exceptional speed. Adding utmost execution to the most rudimentary of tasks is a great way to draw me into a game. My only complaint is that five minutes of back-step cancelling can be considered the equivalent to one cigarette... if a wrist could ever take up smoking. Let this be a reminder to everyone out there to do their exercises. Carpal tunnel is merciless.

What other talents does Miriam have besides a dive-kick and a (wrist-destroying) alternative to running? Ah right... she's a Shardbinder. The demons she destroys have a chance of (rather violently) bestowing their powers to her. Basically, it's the soul system from the Soma duology, but with some significant enhancements. Grabbing multiples of the same soul increases its power, while tossing the requisite crafting materials at it will improve its coverage, versatility, damage output, whatever. While there are some clear winners - such as Summon Hellhound and its ability to scorch everything for an instant 1200+ damage - I can't think of many losers. Oh, sure, Summon Chair might sound useless, but it's doing exactly what it's supposed to. 

Part of what makes shards such an effective tool is that players don't need to invest heavily to make them useable. A Flying Dagger or Shuriken is going to kick butt even if it's rank & grade are never improved. That inclination to drop everything and bring the game to a screeching half just to get some farming done doesn't materialize as often as one would expect. Then again, I'm probably the last person who can express such a thought. Nearly seven years after Bloodstained's release, I still farm demons, their rare drops, and all things in-between for as long as it takes to transform Miriam into an incredible warrior goddess. 

Though I haven't discussed it lately, I'm still a firm believer in "Making the game yours." This mantra is a perfect fit for Ritual of the Night. A Shardbinder without any shards is still a force to be reckoned with. Miriam is skilled in all sorts of weapons. Mastering the techniques hidden within them will give her even more ways to lay waste to her enemies. Gosh. I never even attempted a playthrough with just guns. It's probably because making the most of them requires special ammunition capable of exploiting weaknesses. Special, limited, ammunition that has to be crafted. Well, maybe I'll give it a shot someday. 

As far as castles go, The Hellhold really isn't bad at all. It could've been a little larger, or a mix more complex, but seriously I'm glad it's neither. Each area has the expected assortment of obstacles and beasties dotting its halls. Mainly though, I'd say that the level-designer wanted smooth pacing, with a little open-endedness. Miriam is allowed enough space to strut her stuff, or wriggle around the danger and keep moving. If I had to pick favorites, then I'd go with the Sorcery Labs. There's something about the tight corridors and emphasis on nasty traps that deserved a deeper exploration. Glacial Tomb is rather weak though. Ending the game in an ice-themed area just seems anticlimactic (the last several enemies being reskins doesn't help). 

Where Hellhold really shines is in Randomizer mode. Fantastic inclusion, by the way, especially for the console crowd who can't access mods. While players are free to set the ending conditions that work for them, I always go with "Defeat All Evil". Basically, Miriam has to explore the entire castle until she obtains Zangetsuto and Dimension Shift. This is a mission I've made significantly more complicated by choosing to have key items appear anywhere. Anyway, since traversal powers are randomized, the heroine's path through the castle can change. There's enough connective tissue between each area that players who end up with Deep Sinker instead of Double Jump still have access to nearly half of the castle. Also, any opportunity to test out a new shard combination is welcome. 

I don't discuss traditional "comfy" games on this blog, because none of them actually interest me. Instead, I look towards games that feel comforting to play, something that Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night absolutely excels at. The way Miriam's movement evolves from simply holding the d-pad in a direction to a series of arcane inputs? That's my Animal Crossing. Speeding through the castle with a maxed-out Accelerator while trying to avoid every demon is how I get my "warm fuzzies". All the little quirks that define the rarest weapons, such as the Andromeda whip's slight homing properties, create joy out of violence. Investing so much time into building the ultimate demon hunter only to start a fresh file and do it all over again is something that I've done across three different ports of this game.

Look, I don't know the first thing about programming, so take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt; write it off as the rantings of an old man even. I can't understand why anyone would use LLMs to help them code video games. Slamming together an amalgamation of stolen data and then prying out whatever is keeping the game from functioning sounds so inelegant. My unshakeable belief is that there is a mysterious beauty found in the programming of all games, good or bad. It's the artistic contributions of the often-unsung heroes of development. We're too quick to trade away our identities for the illusion of convenience. Yeah, I said illusion, because somehow this culture-destroying, world-decaying, livelihood-ruining technology isn't really doing a whole lot to make anyone's jobs easier. Actually, let me cut this rant short, because that's not what this write-up is supposed to be about.

After all of these years spent on game reviews, I still fail to recognize the achievements of the people who are able to create magic from nothing. Shutaro Iida is responsible for creating works that I've loved and cherished for over half my life, yet I never even knew his name until after he was gone. 

... I think I've said about all I can. Would you believe that my eyes are watering too much for me to continue writing? Because that's what happening right now.