Playstation 2 Look - Champions: Return to Arms

My feelings on Champions: Return to Arms are the most complicated of any game in this Hack & Slash RPG saga. Rather than attempt to be a "larger Champions of Norrath", Snowblind Studios opted for a mission-based approach, reducing the story to a simple MacGuffin hunt. I actually love this change for it resulted in a game that's tighter paced than any of its predecessors. Fight monsters, collect loot, level-up, build the ideal champion; there's nothing else to the game, and that's exactly what I want. The bulk of the maps have also been designed to be less meandering. There isn't a giant ant tunnel that takes an hour to hack through, nor are hallways stacked on top of hallways to give the illusion of a grand epic. Everything that works was refined, and everything that doesn't work was removed... erm... most of it at least. The engine used to construct all these games is showing its age, and its faults are more apparent than ever, but it's also not the source of my complicated feelings. 

What keeps me from ever truly enjoying this game is that it doesn't appreciate the time I give it. Undivided attention, sleepless nights, nothing seems to matter. My heartfelt investment is rewarded with pain, and not just a slight "Be serious now!" flick on the wrist either. I am struck in my most delicate regions with something deep and bitter. Simultaneously, it's as if I've given too much of my time and not enough. To put it in practical terms, this is a game that's difficult for the wrong reasons. Deaths are frequent but rarely earned. Failure is most prevalent in circumstances that are intentionally designed to be out of the player's control. I love a good shmup, and a good shmup won't make me fly through a straw and then fill it with bullets. It's by this logic that I start questioning if Champions: Return to Arms is actually a good Action RPG. What good is the "Action" if I can't avoid imminent death and what good is the "RPG" if I can't adequately build my hero to survive it?

This time around, we're following the trials of two champions: Flandre and Reika. Flandre is a Shadow Knight under the employ of Natasla, working in concert with her army of darkness to conquer the disparate planes that make up Norrath's world. Reika is a Barbarian serving Firiona Vie, fighting to protect those same planes from evil influence. There is a morality system to this game, and it's about as deep as Natasla appearing less than a minute into the first dungeon and asking if you want to be evil. The side you choose to align with will affect which missions you take on, and that leads to different dungeons to explore. Playing both routes isn't required, but it does add to the replay-value. Bear in mind though that each side has its share of annoying missions. Flandre's first boss battle is a four-against-one trainwreck while Reika has to spend a few dungeons pushing a block around. There's even a stealth mission. It was the 2000s, so you weren't allowed to make a game without one.

After the catastrophic decision to roll a Wizard in Champions of Norrath, I figured melee-based classes were the way to go. Spells are still limited by the fact that none of the caster's equipment affects their damage output. If you want to get technical, then increased intelligence means more mana, more uninterrupted casting time, and arguably a higher DPS, but that's a lot of fuss when all the fighter needs is a shinier sword. Most of the Shadow Knight's capability is in having a great weapon to slice through opposition, though they also benefit from disease-spreading tertiary skills. Disease is a great ailment since it stuns enemies occasionally, interrupting their attacks. Shame it doesn't work on everything. Barbarians have multiple build options, and I opted for Slam + Critical Hit to crush foes with overwhelming numbers. Both classes are great at their intended purpose, especially if you can get a powerful weapon in their hands.

However, if I want a class that doesn't have the durability of a grape, my options are limited to... maybe a Cleric. In the previous game, someone could be taken from full health to death in less than five seconds. It's less than three seconds this time around. Needless to say, if you haven't already mastered the essentials - blocking and backstepping - then you're guaranteed a horrible time. Adversity is distributed in a 60/30/10 split. That means the bulk of foes rush in and start pounding until there's nothing left. Archers and the like set up ambushes in open areas but can be thwarted by luring them around corners or blocking their arrows. Spellcasters and other unique enemies provide support or deadly spells from far away. Since any combination of monsters can erase a hero in seconds, the most viable strategy is erasing them first. 

While I think the defensive maneuvers the developers came up with are well-realized, they're still quite inadequate. First off, enemies can and will mash away at excessive speeds the instant they get close. You can't block and wait for an opportunity to counterattack. Even if an enemy whiffs entirely, their next swing occurs within the millisecond. Not only do you have to get the first strike, but that strike also has to kill them, otherwise you're getting hurt. Even that isn't enough sometimes, because certain enemy attacks - such as from the tongue-lashing vampires - can have "phantom range". This is a limitation of an engine that's past its prime. When you're close enough to an enemy or object, you're essentially locked to it, so your attack will strike it and nothing else. This means even if it looks like your sword swing collides with multiple foes, only one will take damage. Naturally, getting surrounded is a death sentence for anyone who doesn't have an AOE they sunk a ton of skill points in. Again, get the first strike, or suffer and die.

 If you need more evidence, then let's look at all of the adversaries that can break through your defenses. As early as the first dungeon, evil gladiators can go into frenzies that'll throw heroes to the ground even if they're blocking. Champions: Return to Arms loves knocking players flat on their backs and leaving them at the mercy of the merciless. I've had the pleasure of getting stun-locked by an archer with exploding arrows. Where it gets into the "Why am I still playing this shit?" territory is in the Plane of Torment. The first half of the mission takes place over several bridges, leaving very little room to avoid the Giant Demons and their unblockable charges. Between all of the cheap deaths and weak puzzles, I have to wonder who on the dev team had a grudge with the world. 

In case you're feeling underequipped, replaying missions is made very simple by just going back to previously cleared planes. However, the early planes don't offer much experience or decent gear, so Plane of Torment strugglers will just have to endure somehow. The other reason to head back is to take on optional missions. These often feature special objectives like protecting gnomes, getting through a dungeon without any equipment, or uh... Pac-Man. Clearing these will provide additional stats and skill points, as well as unlock additional dungeons. Champions: Return to Arms is actually at its best in the mid to late-game, when players have found something that works for them and is able to employ it in a variety of locales. The later missions have multiple objectives and get really creative, all while hoovering your free time like thin mints. However, I don't recommend taking on the additional dungeons unless you have a party to help you along. Saving is disabled and it's impossible to port back to the hub to restock on potions. After exploring a labyrinth of timed-door puzzles for 30+ minutes, I bumped into a minotaur that killed me and my progress in a second. This fucking game.

After collecting all of the meaningless shards, Flandre must deal with the final challenge. Mithaniel Marr is the culmination of all the misery in Flan's last 12 hours. He's a tank with a plethora of attacks that can't be defended against, let alone dodged. He's also capable of killing a reasonably armored villain in a couple hits, but that's not a unique quality if I'm being honest. Every boss in the game is capable of destroying the player in 1 to 4 hits. This can be overcome, but only if your armor and HP drastically outclass their damage output. Honestly, I'm not quite sure how Flandre managed to defeat Mithaniel. Pretty much all she had available to her was disease bolt and riposte, which has a 10% chance of damaging an attacker. Landing uncontested hits with her sword felt next to impossible. Maybe backstepping was the key, and I just never considered it because the game put so much effort into burying its effectiveness elsewhere.

Completing the game unlocks the next difficulty setting, which requires a character at level 25 to make anything resembling progress. It's a great feature, or at least it would be for someone else. Part of the issue is that for some weird reason, the shop only carries the worst healing potions, yet charges 1,000 gold a pop. Potion money is never hard to come by, but this is such a baffling decision, especially when monsters are hitting harder than they ever were on the previous setting. It's not just that they're hitting harder either. Their ability to soak up damage has also increased substantially. Even the lowliest goons were taking several hits to put down. Going through the entire game again, Plane of Torment included, but with a giant multiplier tacked on feels like something only groups or the most dedicated individuals would be willing to put up with. 

I'm afraid Reika's story didn't even get that far. Admittedly, there's a lot of joy in eliminating a boss with one critical slam, but I have to think of the big picture. Even in the best of circumstances, I'm still in control of a hero who gets knocked over by a swift breeze. Pressing their thumb against the wrong end of a mechanical pencil could spell the end of their entire existence. Just because she's capable of big numbers doesn't make her a powerful barbarian. Because of the nature of the game, she's forced into hit & run tactics like some rogue with points in the wrong armor proficiency. Hell, I can't even call it "hit & run" because everyone jogs like it's a Sunday afternoon at the park. For all its faults, Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance 2 gifted almost everyone a cheap and effective sprint skill, ensuring a baseline level of agency. Agency is what keeps these Action RPGs from ever devolving to winners being determined by whoever's number is highest.

Obviously, it never happened, but I couldn't imagine scrounging up the patience for a fifth game that succeeded where every other entry in the Champions of Dark Alliance series faltered. Snowblind's third outing with the formula is their best yet, but it still depends heavily on factors that are out of the player's control. Sadly, one of those factors is getting and holding onto friends. Without them, the full potential and enjoyment in this game just isn't going to be found. If you're like me and always on your own, then it's going to take a ton of work to wring any enjoyment out of an adventure that gets its jollies from creating insufferable situations that must be constantly retried. I'd like to think you're more valuable than that. 

Playstation 2 Look - Champions of Norrath

I've realized that aside from a litany of hidden gems, the 2000s is not a decade I can look back at with much fondness. Apologies if this comes off as an old man rant, but I like video games when they aren't trying to appeal to "cool people". I like weird people with strange ideas getting together to create something bizarre. Also, if X-Play was any indication, the only things considered cool were racism, sexism, and homophobia. The industry is shit even on its best day, but the 00s were a special kind of greasy. I don't need to talk about abhorrent trash like The Guy Game, or the milder yet immensely stupid BMX XXX. Even the "respectable" games were still guaranteed to have female characters in explicably tiny outfits with as much characterization as a brick in a t-back. Then again, I shouldn't be talking. Back when I played Everquest, I was a Troll in blinding orange armor named Gobblegak LuvsBeegHewters. Yep. I was a scumbag degenerate back in the day. The harsh irony is that X-Play was custom-made for my grimy self. 

Naturally, faced with who I thought I wasn't brought on a severe case of self-loathing. I loved video games, but hated the media apparatus, hated the industry, hated the culture, hated myself. Games are art, not dartboards for failed comedians. There is so much beauty to their design that has gone unexpressed, because people never take enough time to engage with them. Something as simple as a little blue guy hopping around can bring immense joy. This was around the time I made the worst mistake of my life. Ignoring every sign telling me to run in the opposite direction, I chose to write about games. Yep. I'm that idiot who thought he could make a difference. Nowadays, games media is a cross between Fallout and the final act of that Ringed City DLC from Dark Souls 3, and I'm just another irradiated ghoul writhing in the dust.  

Buried somewhere amongst all of the relics of yesteryear is an explanation as to why I embarked on this adventure of infinite failures. At least, that's what I tell myself when I throw away 8 or 9 perfectly good hours on a positively mediocre game like Champions of Norrath. This is an Everquest spin-off, which doesn't mean anything. Seriously, I spent a few months on the MMO yet all I can recall is being the owl-obsessed Troll who pulled and tanked. I've already covered the Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance games and moving on to the spiritual successor just seemed like the right call. Surely some enjoyment can be wrung out of a Hack & Slash Action RPG with level-ups and rare drops. It's one of my comfort genres... even though it's let me down time after time. 

What does it mean to be positively mediocre? It's when a game has all its i's dotted and t's crossed, but regrettable is the best it'll ever be. Actually, I could've saved myself a few words and just said that Champions of Norrath is boring, but you know that's not how I operate. Point is, the boredom is not due to Snowblind Studios putting out a dysfunctional product. Really, what it comes down to is the planets aligning specifically to suck all of the fun out of the atmosphere, leaving me to choke. 

This time around, we're following the misadventures of Jennique. She's an Erudite Wizard tasked with stopping the Orc's reign of terror, and whatever happens afterwards just happens. Once again, the story serves the sole purpose of giving a reason to kill everything that moves. The characters are a little less dry than usual, and I guess that's an Everquest thing? Whatever. It doesn't matter. What does matter is that choosing the Wizard was a fatal error. Wizards are not glass cannons. They're definitely glass, but whatever it takes to get the cannon remained out of my reach. The game also has the curious expectation that this glass... popgun is a frontline fighter, as it features many adversaries who specialize in getting in a hero or heroine's face and pounding it to mush. 

To its credit, Champions of Norrath has exceptional blocking mechanics. Even a Wizard can protect themselves from direct attacks by holding R1. There are limitations, chief of which being that they must be facing the general direction of whatever is attacking them. Enemies will also seek out opportunities to get behind their target, so you can't sit still when there's a crowd, and you certainly run away (unless you want a back full of knives). This is where the back-step comes into play. It doesn't feel like much, but back-stepping is an essential tool to creating space and opening up opportunities to retreat. Mastering this ability adds a lot to the game, especially if you're all alone. 

It's definitely worth mentioning that there's support for up to four players, and not just because it sounds like a cool feature. I believe that this was the intended way to play, because the game really doesn't have enough hooks to keep solo players engaged. By hooks, I'm referring to gear upgrades, rare drops, rising numbers, and all of the niceties that make even the worst Action RPGs tolerable. With four players, you're bound to see something nice happen to someone - even if it isn't yourself - every couple of minutes. When it's just you, then it could be ten, fifteen, maybe even thirty minutes before something happens that makes you say "Oh, that's nice." 

To really grasp the pitiable life a wizard in Norrath leads, I have to dig into Jennique's terrible gear options. She can't use shields, even though they'd do a lot more to up her survivalability than a freaking stick. Staves in this game are just the worst. None of them do anything practical like increase spell-damage. Some bonk monsters harder than others, and they might offer a slight boost to intelligence or mana. Otherwise, there's no value to them. Intelligence isn't even that great a stat. It's required, but all it does is increase the maximum amount of mana, a resource that disappears entirely the instant Jennique dares to cast four frost bolts or two fireballs in semi-quick succession. The days of Adrianna's full-plate armor and Vhaidra's overwhelming awesomeness feel so far away. 

As you might've noticed, the Potion Economy is back with a vengeance. It doesn't seem to matter how many points I throw into the "Increase Mana regeneration" skill, because that shit still takes forever and a month to regen. Monsters hitting like a bus full of Truck-kuns practically guarantees that any being of glass has to give up 3/4ths of their carrying weight to potions. I can't even be happy about this game having real Town Portals because they turned out to be a single band-aid for two broken legs. If there's a bright side, it's that there isn't anything worthwhile to buy except for potions.

Adding to the wizard's troubles is the frost bolt being everything except consistent. Something I learned while spending hours in cramped tunnels trying to blast giant ants is that elevation has a significant effect on whether something actually connects. Basically, Jennique could be standing on a pebble, and that would be enough for her frost bolt to fly over the head of her intended target. This is... astonishingly annoying. Champions of Norrath is a game where changes in elevation are a constant. One area is a desert, with all the sand dunes that come with. I have to make triply sure that I'm standing in the right spot for spells to connect. 

It's completely valid for me to question why I'm spending hours in ant tunnels like some bad Earth Defense Force knock-off. This game has multiple areas where there is only one or two types of monsters to contend with. Usually this is where cool upgrades or even the vaguest sense of progression would break up the monotony. At least Dark Alliance 2 had that going for it. Instead, the act of collecting experience is relentlessly grueling. Updates to gear are nominal at best. Any legendary rares are tempered by either being much weaker than what Jennique is currently wearing or inexplicably requiring a much higher level than she can achieve in a reasonable timeframe. 

This all leads back to why I believe Champions of Norrath was intended for four players. The lulls in excitement would be filled by the chattering of players, presumably talking about whatever is going on in their lives. When it's just me trying and failing to find amusement in a nothing grind, there's nothing but silence and time to think. I don't want time to think. My diseased mind needs activity, or at least the constant poking and massaging that has dominated the mobile gaming sphere for the past decade. Well, maybe that's not the right solution, but it's the easy one. Placate me and my miserable existence with shiny objects and tiny outfits. Neither I nor video games have changed since the 2000s. 

Ultimately, I hate this game because it's a mirror. I can stare at it for ten minutes, ten hours, or 20 years and see the exact same thing. It's repetitive and futile. Perhaps being the wizard was the wrong choice, but I'm not about to relive the dreadful times spent in ant tunnels just to see if the right choice would've made a difference. Funnily enough, I attempted a playthrough way back when the game originally launched, but I couldn't force myself to finish it then either. I thought a more enlightened viewpoint would've helped, but how much enlightenment can anyone expect from a pretentious scumbag degenerate? 

Playstation 2 Look - Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance 2

In my eyes, Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance was a flawed yet serviceable adventure. All of the elements were in place; they just lacked cohesion. Dated as it may be, I have to admit it's still a good-looking hack & slash RPG that runs smooth as buttered silk. Snowblind Studios built one hell of an engine. No doubt their expertise would be a huge get for any publisher interested in a rapidly expanding genre. I mean, that's more-or-less exactly why they were contracted by Sony Online Entertainment to helm Champions of Norrath. As usual, I'm getting ahead of myself. Less than a month before Norrath was released, Interplay & Black Isle studios put out the long-awaited Dark Alliance sequel. It's... fine? It's... well... I'm not sure how else to put this, but the only reason I have a positive outlook on the game is because I'm trying to flush all of its undercooked qualities as fast as possible. The more I try to forget, the less disappointment I feel.

Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance 2 is a direct sequel but done in a way that feels haphazard and low budget. The heroes of the first game were captured by a vampire named Mordoc SeLanmere. He orchestrated the destruction of the Onyx Tower so he could claim ownership of it. Turns out it just sits in a pocket dimension or something. My attention was already waning when he laid all this nonsense out. I think his ultimate goal is destroying Baldur's Gate. Isn't that Eldrith wanted? Skip the elaborate plot and let her handle it. There are several cronies assisting Mordoc, but combined they have as much depth as a throwaway NPC in Shadows of Amn. If your chosen hero doesn't kill them the first time they meet, then the next confrontation is guaranteed to be their end.

This time around, you have five heroes to choose from. Character-progression is much more involved, with everyone fitting specific archetypes that can be specialized further with builds. I wanted a break from the "sword & bored" crowd, so I chose Vhaidra, the Drow (dark elf) Monk. Her innate talent is unarmed fighting, and it is ridiculously good. Besides damage, a string of punches to the face has a high chance of stunning enemies. She can also learn Piercing Strike, which drastically decreases the armor class of whomever is struck by it. I invested several points into Combat Reflexes, boosting her attack speed to Hokuto No Ken levels. Bosses melt in seconds.

If that wasn't enough, each hero has their own side-quest. Completing it grants them new skills, making them more versatile and deadlier. Vhaidra can become a master assassin, but I'm not interested in stealth and backstabs. Hail of Knives though... Ooh wee! It's quite nice flinging a fan-shaped spread of knives in a hapless crowd's direction. Even better, anything dumb enough to get close - which is 75% of this game's bestiary - is going to eat every knife all at once. Now our Drow friend has two methods for melting bosses in seconds. Adrianna from the first Dark Alliance only had one, so... it's progress! Progress is important. Building a face-punching / knife-throwing goddess of war sounds like a good time, and it is... sort-of. 

There are two aspects of character progression that Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance 2 struggles with. The first is experience. Killing fell beasts and evil minions doesn't often amount to much. The first few level-ups come quickly, but not long after, you'll be wishing for a side-quest or a big boss to beat down for those big meaty chunks of experience points. Still, I'll consider this a nitpick, since I never felt like I was lacking. Knowing what skills to master early saved me a lot of trouble. All that I was truly missing from the infrequent level-ups was the serotonin hit. Much less forgivable is the poor gear. Instead of fancy modifiers, most equipment is determined by their quality, which ranges from shoddy to flawless. The expectation is that I'd take the better-quality weapons and armor, invest in tons of gems, and then combine them at the workshop to craft my own godlike gear. The reality is that the workshop is very, very expensive.

I don't have all of the math memorized, but if I wanted to craft a ring with +3 to Strength and Constitution, then I'd have to pay nearly 50,000 gold. That's not including the cost of materials. Even if I invested my money carefully, the most I could earn in a normal play-through is 200,000. These costs balloon like the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade if I'm somehow possessed by a wild spirit that demands I craft +5 equipment. Extreme Mode bumps the cap to +15, and... yeah... that's not fucking happening. Now, there is some fun stuff that can be done with the workshop, like crafting Combat Reflexes onto gloves to get even faster attack-speed, but none of it is necessary or feasible for casual players. 

Back when I covered the first game, I talked a bit about the Potion Economy. There's no such thing here, or at least I didn't feel it. There was never a point where I had too few or too many potions. Vhaidra's skillset not requiring an intravenous supply of mana helps, but enemies being on the weaker side helps even more. I also won't discount the possibility that I actually learned a thing in the 20 hours spent with both games, like the importance of blocking. Enemies can and will block attacks, so holding R1 and allowing a moment to assess the immediate danger helps the most. The heroes also have Sprint available to them, a very nice skill for closing distance, making a quick escape, or just maneuvering around the battlefield. Combat is a little more dynamic than before. Giving players agency with an actual evasive technique is really appreciated.

However, there were many, many times where I felt like I wasn't being pushed hard enough. That could be my fault for not just starting with the higher difficulty, but playing with numbers can only do so much. The fact remains that most enemies either swing sticks or sling stones. It doesn't matter if I'm facing goblins or knolls or skeletons or arachne or grung or- ack! Maybe a spellcaster finds their way into the fray, but spells are just fancy-looking stones. Now if these predictable foes were arranged in ways that were creative, or even had numbers beyond "meager", then combat could've been really engrossing. Instead, I just cleared hallways like I would in any other dime-a-dozen Hack & Slash RPG.

 Now there are a few times where things got annoying, which is a word with one less syllable than interesting. Bottomless pits make their return. One dungeon in particular is suspended in mid-air, with rock-tossing tornadoes trying to knock heroes off of narrow bridges. There's also a lich that chases intruders around. The only way to defeat him is by smashing all of his urns. It's silly, but considering it's the closest thing to a boss fight I can remember, then it must count for something.

Yeah, basically everyone you'll fight with is a dork, especially if you've got a powerful hero like Vhaidra. That exploit I mentioned in the first game's review also works here. Run in circles, punch bosses in the back of their stupid heads, you'll figure it out in no time. Anything that walks on four legs is just a big target for a knife barrage. Mordoc's second form is a bit of an ass, but only because he can heal. Stretching a 30 second fight into a couple minutes isn't enough to make me give a damn about him or anything else.

Though this game doesn't fall off a cliff in the third act like its predecessor, it also doesn't do much in the way of climbing. Everything looks cheap and... kinda ugly. I have no business commenting on this stuff - especially if you ever saw my ghastly face - but environments and character models look really bad... even by 2001 standards. Yeah, I'm saying Dark Alliance 2 looks worse than its predecessor. The atmosphere is less impressive all around. That feeling of "just going through the motions" hits early and never lets up. Believe me, I was thrilled to discover that this incarnation of the Onyx Tower is much smaller than before. Trudging through a couple of immensely dull penultimate dungeons was sapping my soul energy. 

There's other stuff I could complain about, like recall potions still sucking and a shopkeeper who never shuts up, but I'm going to leave it for another lifetime. Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance 2 just isn't where it needed to be. Vhaidra kicks a ton of ass, and I imagine everyone else has equally good builds that make smashing hordes enjoyable for a time. Imagining is all I'll do, because the thought of leading a new character through tired locales and loser monsters without so much as a rare drop to look forward to has left me wondering if I ever truly enjoyed Hack & Slash RPGs. Maybe I do and just have a funny way of showing it. Maybe I don't and I've got a brain forever broken from the thousands of hours it spent drowning in Diablo & Phantasy Star Online clones.

At least give me something for slaying this dragon. Damn!

Playstation 2 Look - Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance

I'm just going to say it, Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance hasn't aged gracefully. Hell, allow me to put all the cards on the table. This is one of games that benefitted heavily from being in the right place at the right time. 2001 was a massive year for the Playstation 2, with a slew of hits covering every conceivable genre. The exception, of course, was a cooperative Hack & Slash RPG. Interplay & Snowblind Studios cooked something up that not only played well but also looked really good. Its water effects are indisputably mind-blowing. Coming back to this game nearly 25 years later though... I can't deny that it doesn't quite gel like it used to. Before getting too wrapped up in the negativity - the one thing that keeps me functional - I must emphasize that the gameplay is still solid. I was compelled to give it the full 8-10 hours it takes to complete a playthrough. Maybe that doesn't mean much when I throw 8-10 hours at whatever random junk that has phat loot, bars to fill, and tiny outfits, but... hrmm. Let's just get on with the review.

Today's story focuses on Adrianna, an Elven Sorceress who's been wandering the Sword Coast for at least a day. She visits Baldur's Gate only to be waylaid by enemies and forget to defend herself. Bruised, broke, but still standing, she visits the nearby bar and gets word that there's a new thieves guild in town. They take orders from a big bad named Karne, who takes his orders from a bigger bad called Xantam. Xantam is in league with the... uh... um... You want to know something? The story disappears shortly after Act 1. Act 2 takes place in the Sunset Mountains. Eventually Adrianna fights a dragon. Its name is not important. After that it's the marshlands of Chelimber, climbing the Onyx Tower, and then a confrontation with Eldrith the Betrayer. If you don't know who she is, then don't worry. The game is kind enough to provide a lore-dump Lenny. He'll share his Eldrith biography with confused players. To sum it all up, she's the final boss. 

It's rude of me to pretend like I care about the story, but the way everything is slapped together gives the unmistakable impression that Snowblind Studios had to cut corners in order to get their game out during the Playstation 2's most important year. The first act of the game is the densest by far, with a multitude of side-characters and secondary antagonists to encounter. There are even a few optional sidequests. Shame such a neat feature disappears off the face of the Forgotten Realms the instant you reach Act 2. Unless you count bosses, Act 3 doesn't even have three NPCs. In fairness, there is a rich variety of adversaries to contend with. Players can expect to battle all of the D&D favorites like Displacer Beasts, Drow, Ice Giants, and more. Just don't be surprised if the most common engagement tends to be with spiders. Those damn things get everywhere it seems.

The sense of progression is also lopsided. Now, I mentioned Adrianna is an Elven Sorceress, but you wouldn't know it by the way she's dressed. Full-Plate Armor, shield in one hand, axe or sword in the other. Her spellbook is a half-folded piece of paper that has Magic Missile and Ball Lightning scrawled on it. Feel free to check her statistics in the included character sheet. What I want to get across is that Adrianna is a creature of necessity. She was wronged by both this game and the D&D rulebook, so she carves a new path to discover her place in the sun. That place is having strength comparable to that of a dinosaur. Intelligence, Dexterity, Charisma, and especially Wisdom are sucker stats. When facing off against the "Dark Alliance", anyone who isn't built like a brick shithouse might as well not even bother.

More to the point, this game suffers from reverse difficulty. The first couple of hours are the meanest. A sorceress whose starting spell is the damage equivalent of a Florida summer isn't having a good time. Magic Missile is hardly any better, despite the extra bolt that's tacked on every other level-up. I'm not even going to bother mentioning the other spells, because there's really only one that matters. Ball Lightning is absurd in all the right ways. However, unlocking it requires a lot of points, points that won't be had for at least a little while. Until then, Adrianna is a fighter who should've re-rolled. Three arrows in quick succession, a lucky thief, the spider that wouldn't die, any one of these are enough to seal her fate, and they're hardly ever alone. 

Half my weight in armor, the other half in potions. Give me a break.

Then there's the Potion Economy. If you've played a Hack & Slash RPG in the late 90s to early 00s, then you know all about this. Potions are the life and mana blood of the hero. You can never have too many, but there's always some limitation to keep the game somewhat balanced. In this case, it's carry-weight. Now, I don't know what a Human Ranger or a Dwarven Warrior would do with mana potions, but I will presume they won't use as many as an Elven Sorceress. To put it another way, the person who needs the most potions has the lowest strength. Maybe it's not that big a deal, Adrianna can just fire up a Town Portal and... oh that apparently doesn't exist in this universe. 

Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance has a potion of recall. Sipping it transports players to the nearest "hub" so they can rest, sell their unwanted gains, and restock potions. Getting back to a safe place is easy, getting back to where they left off is time-consuming. Yeah, there's no potion of re-recall, so players have to run all the way back to where they left off, only this time without even any monsters to kill for extra gold & experience. The early game-tries to be generous with the potions, but there will be times where Adrianna has to drink several in succession to stave off dying or cast her crappy starting spells. The "runback" gets more obnoxious as the game progresses, with the worst instance being the Thieves Guild. I ran out of potions just before Xantam, and that meant redoing all of the jumping puzzles over bottomless pits. It wasn't even necessary because Xantam, like a handful of other bosses, is a chump that's easy to exploit. More on that later.

The first act frontloads almost all of the misery, giving players the impression that it's going to be a hard-fought battle every step of the way. If you're smart, you'll learn Ball Lightning the first chance you get. Don't be like me and put it off until midway through Act 2. This incredible spell creates a ball (of lightning) that travels until it hits a wall, and not a second before. Anything in its vicinity is torn to shreds. On a whim, I'd chuck this beautiful orb down a hall and hear the gurgling screams of a creature 15 seconds later. Jewelry that boosts strength and constitution start to become more prevalent. By this point, the difficulty hasn't fully reversed, but a not-so-squishy mage with a "I've nearly won" button is right on the cusp. 

Act 3 is the exact point where the game gives up and lets players eat as many cookies as they want. Chelimber mostly consists of big empty marshes, and that's not just my anti-marsh sentiment poking through. One area in particular is just large... and empty. The dungeons that follow aren't much better. There are hallways, rooms, monsters, and treasure. That's all. Maybe for some that's enough, but you can't expect me to not be disappointed when all I can find is- holy shit! Is that a Shocking Burst Adamantine Handaxe +3 with a damage value of 20-132? Enchanted Full-Plate Armor +3? Rings that add +5 to Strength?! Oh, I must be in Onyx Tower. This is the point-of-no-return final dungeon, so I guess the developers designed it so that players couldn't possibly place themselves in an unwinnable situation. However, this is where the difficulty is fully reversed. The Potion Economy is completely busted. You can't even trip without falling into a Scrooge McDuck's vault worth of potions. Needless to say, everyone should be ready for the climactic battle with the neigh-immortal Eldrith the Betrayer.

... Do I even need to say it? OK. Fine.

Eldrith is an easily exploitable chump. First, a little background. One of the other bosses in Act 3 is a Lizardman of exceptional skill. The direct approach is a bad idea, so you'll want to employ a strategy. The strategy is running behind the boss and slashing them in the back. Stay on their tail at all times, and they'll never be able to turn around to attack you. This also works on the final boss. It looks ridiculous, since both of you will be chasing each other like Elmer Fudd & Bugs Bunny, but it's effective. I've no idea if it's an issue with the pathfinding, flubbed animations, or everything works as intended and I'm just a dirty cheater. In any case, the game has ended, and I have to wonder what so many people saw in the overpowered-lightning-flying-down-hallways simulator.

 

Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance feels like two games in one, except neither of them are finished. The first is rich with atmosphere but lacks a satisfying sense of progression. The second is a freight train of upgrades but takes place in a barren world. Both games exist simultaneously yet never acknowledge each other, like strangers sitting side-by-side on the subway who don't so much as share a greeting. This is not a knock against Snowblind Studios. What they managed to put together is quite impressive. They just didn't get the time they deserved. Then again, when it comes to game development, who ever does? 

(Please don't answer that question. I already know about Team Cherry and the 20 years they had to make Silksong. Let me pretend to be profound.)

2026 Special - Super Valis IV

Super Valis IV is a departure for the series, and I'm not just talking about the fact that it's a Super Famicom exclusive. Rather than stick to the norms, Laser Soft opted for a slightly different approach. This is still most assuredly a run, jump, and slash adventure, but the underlying mechanics have changed quite a lot. Before going any further, let's discuss the story. At the end of Valis 3, Yuko retired from the warrior life and became the Goddess of Vecanti. There was peace for a minute until Galgear, psychotic prince of the dark world, broke free from his crystal prison. Lena Brande has taken it upon herself to battle Galgear's forces and save all the worlds from destruction. 

... I'm starting to get the impression that writing the story for a Valis is as simple as making up some names. If there was ever a fifth game, the antagonist would be Cruelblaze, archbishop of the dark world. He'd kidnap Yuko with the help of his three acolytes Eyegore, Mulphus, and Zzo. Lena would arrive, fight everyone, and get some fancy bikini armor in the process. Okay, enough fantasizing about sequels that'll never happen. Let's move on to discussing an actual game, one in which a sword-swinging heroine dashes through seven stages. 

A key feature of the SNES edition of Valis IV is that it drops the slide entirely. Absolute insanity, am I right? Imagine not having a slide that defies gravity. Lena prefers running, and she's damn good at it. Double-tapping right or left boosts her speed as well as the distance of her jumps. It's a talent I quickly grew to enjoy, and it's all thanks to the splendid controls. Most stages are very basic, with little in the way of moving platforms or obstacles. In other words, there's almost no reason to stand still. This more freeform approach is a departure from previous games in the series. Gone is the Castlevania-esque methodical pacing. It is possible to get knocked off of a platform by an enemy; it just doesn't happen often. Even then, the damage from sprinting into adversity and/or their projectiles might not be anything to fret over.

It feels like I'm committing a crime getting this close to an enemy and not taking damage

Though it might not be obvious at first, you're racing the clock. Instead of a timer ticking downward, it's a boss's health meter steadily filling up. This is something that I can't remember ever seeing before. The longer Lena takes to reach a boss, the longer the ensuing fight will take. It pays to play fast and loose, even though it means running face-first into danger. I said the controls were splendid, and that extends to every aspect of them. The heroine is quick, graceful, and has a hurtbox that's shockingly forgiving. You can avoid a lot of damage simply by relying on your reflexes. Lena's sword has good range and can fire projectiles with Up + Attack. You probably won't be spending too much time sniping at foes from afar, but having the option is very nice.

Unique to Super Valis IV is its power-up system. Various items dot each stage. Grab them and they're added to Lena's inventory. Pressing the X button equips whatever is currently highlighted. If it's a projectile ability, then the heroine has a new shot-type that lasts a limited number of uses. Hearts are one of the few means of healing. Then there's the super armor, which lasts a handful of hits. This is a welcome addition that really shakes up the formula. Also, depending on the time invested to learning this game inside and out, you could eventually have no need for it whatsoever. The extra utility helps, but Lena with just her sword is powerful enough. Item-usage actually affects the title players can receive. It's uh... okay I seriously didn't expect such forward-thinking design. Lasersoft came up with a system that's rewarding for both newcomers and veterans.

I must admit I'm a little taken aback by the confidence this game displays. Encounters with both minions and bosses feel more natural than before. Losing the slide doesn't affect our heroine's ability to dodge attacks. She can run or duck under quite a lot, and that's a testament to the value of good hitboxes. Instant-death pits being gone entirely is a change that I really appreciate. I mean, yeah it had to be excised, because Lena only has one life. Health management is another one of those surprisingly robust mechanics that's nicely handled. The damage an average enemy is capable of inflicting might not be a lot, but it adds up when sources of healing are limited to those heart items and what's replenished after completing a stage. Let me just say that everything works well. All these elements click into place to create a very nice action-platformer.

The plain level-design and enemy placement keep the game from reaching the upper echelons of the Super Nintendo library. Most stages are just a flat surface to run across, with a few platforms scattered around, and are populated by two types of enemies. I suppose this is where the in-depth subsystems conflict with the moment-to-moment action. Keeping all the aforementioned elements in place apparently meant that some risks couldn't be afforded. Still, it would've been nice to see more inventive stages that really push its players. The Crystal Pillar stage, with its spiked floors and rising platforms, represents more of what I would've liked to have seen out of the level-design.

I believe that Super Valis IV is an underrated entry in the series. Presentation-wise, it's a noticeable step back from the PCE-CD and even Mega Drive releases, but the game delivers where it matters most. I was in an almost constant state of pleasant surprise during my playthroughs. There are a lot of unique qualities here, yet none of them feel out of place or half-baked. I wish the developer had gone further, but it was the early 90s, and they likely had mere months to get something out the door. Still, what they accomplished is pretty impressive. Also, I can't emphasize this enough, having difficulty that feels earned instead of just "you brought the wrong subweapon to the final boss, idiot!" adds so much value to the game.

Playstation 2 Look - Onimusha: Blade Warriors

During the 3D fighter heyday of the mid 90s to early 00s, you were guaranteed to end up with a game that locked away half or more of its roster, requiring playthroughs of the Story or Quest or Mission or Whatever mode to unlock everyone. It didn't matter if your favorite publisher was Namco, Capcom, Konami, Sega, SNK, Nintendo, or Takara. They all had one or a dozen games where one could burn the hours away unlocking characters, costumes, or a gazillion other things. I can see why some would find it annoying, especially in the competitive scene. Like most other games, the budgets for fighters have increased a thousand-fold, so season-passes and purchasable costumes are the new normal. 

Capcom's Onimusha: Blade Warriors was one of the many unlockable-driven games released during this forgotten era. Normally with fighters like these, I don't put them down until I've acquired all of the juicy content. However, this couldn't maintain my interest for very long. If you want the short answer, I'll give it to you right now: It's repetitive, has a very dull sense of progression, and its characters are as interesting and diverse as a stack of blank paper. Fans of long answers are welcome to stick around for the rest of the review.

Instead of anything that could be considered traditional, Blade Warriors opts for the Platform Fighter subgenre. However, instead of just having Samanosuke Akechi smash Nobunaga Oda offscreen and into oblivion, the direction is distinctly Onimusha. Its combat mechanics revolve around short & simple combos, kicks to break through defenses, and absorbing souls to gain power or win a match. Most importantly, there's the technique known as issen. When an enemy is about to swing their weapon, there's a small opportunity for you to hit the attack button and perform a critical counter. In a blinding flash, your chosen hero will rush through the opposition and deal incredible damage. Alternatively, if you tap the guard button at the right moment, you'll deflect the enemy's attack, leaving them wide open for issen. The defensive option is the safer one, but if you're guarding too much, you're going to get kicked and then hit with a combo. The developer did a fine job bringing rock-paper-scissors to a 4-person fighting game. 

The movement is also quite good. Each arena has multiple floors, and combatants can freely jump between them by double-tapping up or down. It is often necessary to maneuver around the opposition, especially if you're attempting to charge up an attack or trying to open a treasure chest. Allowing one's back to face the enemy is not a great idea, but guarding works no matter which direction an attack is coming from. This also means you can't get crossed-up by jump-ins, and it's nice to have one less thing to worry about. You can also quickstep by entering the "ready" stance (R1) and tapping a direction; great for getting behind someone. The ready stance has a couple of other abilities tied to it, but you can learn about those and more in the tutorial.

When the battlefield is plunged into chaos, you're certain to see plenty of souls floating about. Holding the circle button absorbs them. Red gives Experience, Yellow replenishes HP, and those are the most common of the bunch. Flashing souls are "Victory Souls". Sometimes a certain number of them are required to win a battle, otherwise they're currency. Also, grab magic orbs anytime you see them, if only to keep them out of the opposition's hands. These enable magic attacks that can ruin anyone's day. 

If two or more combatants are trying to absorb souls, priority is given to whomever pressed the circle button first and/or is closest. At least, that's the impression I get. It's a workable system but can be frustrating when battling the CPU. I'm not going to pretend to understand how this game functions in a bout between actual players. All of my experience was in the Story and Versus (CPU) modes. My issue with the system is that it often favors the opposition. When I defeat an enemy and some souls appear from its corpse, I'm going to be stuck in my attack's recovery frames while everyone else is free to absorb the souls. This often leads into scenarios where I'm faced with a tough opponent made even tougher because they keep lucking into magic orbs. 

Story Mode is divided into 10 chapters. Think of them as 10 battles, each taking between 1 & 3 minutes to complete. There are also five difficulty settings, though you should probably start on easy or normal and work your way up. This is because a large part of the game is spent building one's abilities. Experience souls are spent on upgrades to attack, defense, and magic. Weapons and items can also be obtained by fulfilling certain conditions. It sounds like something that should be engaging... except it isn't. Several weapons are obtained from the Phantom Realm, which is a series of ten battles against various enemies & bosses. Spending 1/2 to 2/3rds of the story in the same location gets to be very mind-numbing. I actually really like some of the other locales. The "papercraft ship" arena is especially nice. Problem is that I can't unlock everything unless I spend absurd amounts of time in the ugly Phantom Realm.

Your route through the story is determined by the human or demon you've decided to play as. Humans face bosses such as Jujudormah and Gogandentess while Demons battle it out with the likes of Ekei and Oyu. It's a neat concept that falls apart almost instantly due to a complete lack of story. This is supposed to be a canon game aimed squarely at Onimusha fans, yet there aren't any interesting cutscenes or fun endings. The incentives to play through each character's story are limited to getting stronger and unlocking stuff. This is something that I might've been able to tolerate. I mean, Marvel Vs Capcom 2 didn't have character-specific endings or anything of that sort but replaying it over and over is always a blast due to the huge variety of characters and possible team combinations.

Something I probably could've mentioned earlier in this review is how strange it is that Onimusha: Blade Warriors has a tutorial mode, but no training mode. The reason for that is quite simple: everyone has practically the same moves. Now I'm not going to say that everyone plays the same, because that's obviously not the case. Each fighter has attacks that vary in speed, range, and timing. The grunt for example has a combo string that's two quick strikes, then a third that takes forever to come out, making him extremely susceptible to issen. Marcellus has long reach, but every attack is slow, so even if he doesn't whiff, he can still be countered. In order for this game to maintain its identity, the roster had to be limited to a universal move-set. 

Having a couple dozen characters with hardly anything to differentiate them makes this a pretty unexciting game. Did it have to be this way? Well... probably. I mean, it wouldn't be right to make an Onimusha only to leave out its defining mechanic. I just don't see how the final result could end up being so unimaginative. There are only so many ways to play rock-paper-scissors. With hardly any unique moves to work with, the deepest it can get it is Acchi Muite Hoi. 

I get the feeling that a lot of corners were cut to get a game made with a nothing budget, and the unlockables were purposefully stretched out to create "content". Seriously, there's no reason that I should be carrying the worst fighters through the Phantom Realm multiple times just to potentially unlock somebody cool. Even then, the most I'd have to look forward to is the slightest possible variation on a standard combo, or if I'm lucky, an uppercut that sends the opponent flying backwards instead of straight up. 

Granted, that all depends on whether or not I still have any remaining sanity after the constant fights with Nobunaga Oda. This is one obnoxious final boss, and it's all because of his arena. The top floor is packed with fire breathing statues, the bottom floor is a conveyor belt with a health-draining poison pool in the center. There's hardly any place to stand let alone fight. Also, without fail, a random enemy will get drawn into the pool and killed, giving the demon lord a free source of magic orbs. Abysmal.

Onimusha: Blade Warriors is one of those games where I can't fault its core gameplay too much. Everything works as it should, and a lot of thought went into adapting its mechanics in an interesting way. That's it. No really, that's it. There's nothing else. All it had to keep me playing is a (admittedly long) string of unlockable shit. The instant I lost interest was the instant the game ceased to exist. 

Still cost me 7 or 8 hours of my time. Oh well.

2026 Special - The Pirates of Dark Water

Since the TV series was all but guaranteed to end prematurely, two The Pirates of Dark Water games were released on the Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo. Essentially, this side-scrolling platformer is the second part of a series-finale. Ren, Tula, and Ioz must locate the remaining six Treasures of Rule to end the Dark Dweller's reign over Mer. I say remaining six, because the SNES beatemup had its players hunting seven treasures, and there are thirteen in all. It's kind-of neat to see a show I remember enjoying get some closure. 

The Genesis game is just OK. Early on, I was tempted to go so far as to call it a perfect rental, but the more I played, the lower that rating fell. Let's be real here, "a perfect rental" is already a backhanded compliment. A game only good enough to last a weekend isn't exactly aspirational. If you're at least half as boring as I am, you could argue that a perfect rental deserves to be revisited, for at least one more weekend. That's a fair point to make. However, the point I'm already fumbling is that this rental gets a rating of "Well, at least I don't have to play Sonic The Hedgehog 1 for the millionth time." If you have to ask what a rental is, then I can only wonder how you found this blog in the first place. 

While still far shorter than the typical RPG, The Pirates of Dark Water for your blast-processing console clocks in at a meaty two or so hours. The hostile lands of Mer are divided into several stages, which are broken up further into multiple areas, all of which containing the hallmarks of the 16-bit era. You've got moving platforms, respawning enemies, items inside of breakable objects, false walls that hide 1ups, and the vaguely open-ended level-design that was in every platformer from Aero the Acrobat to Zool: Ninja of the Nth Dimension. There are some hack & slash elements as well, no doubt familiar to anyone who has played Cadash, Blades of Vengeance, Chakan: The Forever Man, and so on and etcetera. Look, it was the 1990s, and everybody was cribbing each other.

The map screen gives the vague impression that this is a "choose your destination" affair, but 90% of the time it's already been decided. Still, it provides appreciable context to the hostile lands you'll be exploring. Niddler gives an explanation of what you are to do in each location, but mostly it comes down to moving from one end of the stage to the next. Just keep in mind whenever words like keys or coins are mentioned. Keys are self-explanatory while coins are often required to get past some NPCs. The game is generally good about placing these essential items on the main path or in side-areas that are easy to locate. Each stage is also reasonable in size and scope. Most shouldn't take more than 10 minutes to complete and feature little in terms of backtracking or excessive puzzle-solving. 

Early on, this game shows a remarkable level of restraint, especially considering the rental market at the time. Fall damage is very real, but considerably less punishing than one would expect. If your chosen hero should miss a jump and fall for some time, they'll hit the ground with a sickening thud... only to respawn next to where they missed their last jump. It's seriously a wonderful feature in areas that are heavily vertical, since it means less time spent retracing steps and retrying jumps. These falls cost health, but it's hardly enough to matter. Same goes for bottom-less pits. Falling into the eternal abyss costs almost as much health as getting poked with a sword. Oh, and don't fret too much about death. Provided there are extras in stock, you'll be placed at or next to where you lost your previous life.

Since the 2026 Special is focused on the women of side-scrolling games, let's take a glance at Tula's abilities. She's an Ecomancer, which basically just means "fires a projectile spell". Ren throws daggers and Ioz has a bow, so it's just three flavors that all taste like vanilla. What makes this lady special is her somersault. Hitting the jump button a second time while in the air does a flip that moves quickly and can knock out midair enemies. It's a neat bit of movement tech, entirely optional but fun to experiment with. Don't bother using it during platforming sections though. Jumping across gaps is already a little troublesome, and trying to incorporate the somersault will result in overshooting the intended landing point.

Since I'm on the subject, I must emphasize that getting across pits and the like is more finicky than I expected. The game doesn't expect players to complete a long series of difficult jumps, but it also doesn't seem to care if something goes wrong with what should be a simple A to B leap. On average, you'll land 85% of the jumps you make. This might not be too bad early on, but that's because the penalty for a miss is a few shavings of health. Platforming becomes a serious nuisance when there's a 15% chance of instant death. 

The Pirates of Dark Water approaches difficulty in a way that I absolutely dislike. One would assume the difference between the early-game and the late-game is that the latter would feature level-design that's very complex, with more obstacles to avoid and tougher adversaries to battle. This game doesn't really adhere to such a standard. Instead, what seems to be the case is that the heroic trio gets weaker. I don't want to take away from the importance of the Dark Water, as it's the only real case of instant death in the game, and makes frequent appearances in the second half. However, I also can't ignore how enemies in the later stages do comically large amounts of damage, often enough to kill in three or four hits. It doesn't feel like enough has changed to warrant such a "dramatic" increase in difficulty. 

Yeah, even if pirates and monsters do far more damage, the game really isn't that much harder. Thorough players have likely built up a massive stack of consumables and extra lives that they never had a reason to use. Bosses are also among the weakest I've seen in the genre. Once you figure out their weird hitboxes, all you're left with are four guys who run (or jump) from one side of the screen to the other. The Dark Dweller itself is a gimmick that takes a couple of moments to figure out and is only stretched out by the copious projectile vomit and moving platforms.

I suppose my biggest complaint with this entry in The Pirates of Dark Water saga is just how repetitive it gets. Occasionally, there will be a stage that does something interesting or has a cool visual effect, but nothing significant ever seems to occur. The difference between stages mostly comes down to damage output. It's the sort of banality that crops up so often in modern games, particularly open-worlds that depend on level-scaling to retain a sense of challenge. My second biggest complaint is the music. Absolute shame when a game that looks pretty nice is accompanied by a largely mediocre soundtrack. Sonic The Hedgehog 1 is still an enjoyable listen after a million playthroughs. This? Not so much. 

One other thing, having a ton in common with every other 16-bit game but not doing nearly enough to stand out is pretty rough. I know it was the style at the time, but damn. 

"Oh my god."