Super Nintendo Look - Iron Commando

After an hour of bashing my head against this game, I felt drained, both mentally and physically. Gamers familiar with Iron Commando are about to say that isn't even enough time to complete one playthrough, but they should just talk to a hole, because I'm not here. Wait. That's not exactly true. Have you ever had one of those moments where you feel totally disconnected from the consensus? Everyone on Youtube says this game is just like The Punisher and it kicks butt. I mean, I can't say they're wrong about either statement. Both games feature a heavy emphasis on weapons. Just about anything that walks on two legs is carrying a knife or gun. Driving the point home is that grenades are dropped from above to clear the immediate area. Some animations might've been swiped as well. I certainly can't argue against an opinion's validity, unless it's my own. Seeing as how so many people like the game, then I must be in the wrong, and a reevaluation is necessary. 

Here's the problem though. I'm not interested in arguing whether or not this is a good game. That doesn't matter to me. Iron Commando is vigorously unfun, and I don't want to play it anymore. What this beatemup does is take the simplest part - punching someone - and turns it into an inconvenience. Less than half the punches thrown by the heroes actually land. In a genre where players are regularly contending with hundreds of bad guys, a 40% success rate with punches doesn't make any sense. Yet here I am, missing jaws by centimeters because both playable characters have subpar reach. Actually, there's more to it than that. Every bad guy is carrying a weapon, and they know exactly where to stand in order to maximize its potential. Standing outside of the good guy's reach just comes naturally. 

Does everyone need to carry a weapon? That question is one I keep circling back to. Yes, I can also pick up and use weapons, but they crumble to pieces or run out of ammo in three seconds. The lowest of the lowly goon has an unbreakable knife or infinite bullets. Their aggression is also tuned very high, so every moment feels like Julius Caeser's last. Being surrounded and overwhelmed is the default state of being here. Though I try, it seems as if there's little that can be done to improve my situation. Encounters are designed to be relentless and steal my agency. Before long, I start feeling less significant than the nearest bad guy. Performing jump-kicks helps a little, but not enough to make a real difference. I'm trapped, made to feel worthless in a genre that only works when the player-character is stronger and more skilled than a hundred men. Yep. Just stab and shoot the shit out of me while I fumble most of my attacks. I love action games that treat me like an ineffective lump. 

Some enemies don't carry weapons, and it's only because they have something even worse. There are these guys called Eriks. They charge across the screen and it's such a hassle to deal with. Dogs and snakes have the advantage of being very difficult to hit, and- I really don't like harming animals. It'd be one thing if they were mutant snakes or robot dogs, but nope. Obviously, the game knew my morale was bottoming out and threw some guilt on top. The point I'm trying to dance around is that there should've been at least one henchman without a weapon or a special talent. Let them punch or kick, but otherwise their existence is to serve the flow of combat. Iron Commando wanted every encounter to be a hurdle, and they got it. However, how can I be expected to get over the hurdles when my feet don't get a chance to touch the ground? 

I believe my biggest issue with this game isn't that it's too hard. Rather, it's too limiting. When the simplest and quickest action is more-than-likely the wrong one, it's as if the structure instantaneously collapses. I can't get past the fact that if I want to see the end of a stage without using five lives, then walking up to someone and hitting them is the worst idea imaginable. No, I have to grab and throw the enemies, as often as it takes. There's no satisfaction in throwing someone and seeing only a pixel of their health slide away, but the alternative is a miserable death. 

Also, this fucking thing did not need to be an hour and fifteen minutes, and that's assuming a near-perfect run without continues. Just the thought of ten longwinded stages that wear repetition and monotony like a two-piece swimsuit is squeezing all of the blood from my heart. Iron Commando borrowed everything from The Punisher, except for its svelte 45-minute runtime... and the fun. Again, I can't or at least shouldn't try to make definitive statements about a game I've already walked away from. That's just it though, I'm gone. This wasn't what I'd consider to be a fair review, but I'm not subjecting myself to a brawler that hasn't given me one iota of entertainment value. Maybe it's actually a good game, but I didn't have a good time with it.

Of course, the little that I did play still managed to include a vehicle section. Fucking Hell.