Steam Look - Armored Lab Force VULVEHICLES

The year is 2010. Terran Defense forces have invaded Abic, laying waste to the planet's defense systems and facilities. A ragtag team of researchers has had enough! Putting their thousands of years of training and experience to work, six ladies develop twelve ultra-advanced tanks. These vulvechs feature state of the art weapons as well as hovering technology. They've also been fitted with portal devices, guaranteed to swap tanks in the heat of battle at a moment's notice. It might not sound like much compared to the galaxy-conquering TDF and their infinite forces, but our heroes will figure something out. ASTRO PORT's love for explosive hardware and cute ladies talking history collides in Armored Lab Force VULVEHICLES!! 

I love ASTRO PORT games. They're well-built, explore unique ideas, and don't waste a minute of my time. Whenever they put out a new release, I'm confident that it's going to rock. Their 2022 release VULVEHICLES takes vehicular combat in an interesting direction. Each of its 24 stages are comprised entirely of destructible terrain. Both yours as well as the enemy's firepower will blow away walls and floors. If, for example, you're feeling a little overwhelmed by the TDF's current attack, you can shoot your way through an alternate path, using the remnants of the terrain as cover. Foes that walk or roll across the ground are instantly destroyed if they fall off of the screen. The same applies to turrets that are attached to walls. They might be durable, but their surroundings aren't. All sorts of scenarios can occur over the course of a typical playthrough, so be ready to adapt to constant change.

Hovering technology can only do so much when the object it's trying to keep elevated weighs anywhere from a couple dozen to over a hundred tons. Basically, you can't fly around the battlefield without consequence. Hovering expends energy. Though your tank doesn't drop like a rock the instant that energy is exhausted, movement becomes incredibly restrictive. The game makes a point by painting the borders red when there's no energy, because a series of direct hits on an unmoving target is practically imminent. Staying grounded will slowly replenish hoverpower, but you're much better off just switching tanks. Holding the requisite button will transport the depleted tank out for a fresh one. You can (and definitely should) also do this if a tank is low on HP. Three are taken into battle at a time. If any of them don't make it back, then they're lost for the remainder of the mission. One other extremely important detail is that teleporting doesn't work in the air. Finding a place to land and making the switch while being pelted from all directions is just one of many situations that has to be figured out.

A lot can go wrong in this game, but I can only blame myself when it does. The most durable tanks in the garage are also the largest, which affects both speed and evasive ability. Basically, I can't get mad that I tried to fly a large object in-between a barrage of bullets. Vulvechs don't get invincibility frames after taking damage either. It's totally fair, because the enemies they contend with can all be destroyed in seconds. Even the bosses rarely survive for more than a minute. A sustained attack or a couple special weapons at the right time will eliminate them with relative ease. There are even some neat tricks that veterans can appreciate, such as using the teleportation switch to avoid attacks entirely. The timing is a little absurd, but the fact that such a feature even exists is cool as hell. Basically, survival is all about resource-management. Depending on the selected tanks, players are allotted a supply of special weapons. Use them at the right time to clear stages with ease or waste them on frivolous targets, and risk getting demolished when the real threats appear.

Each of the twelve vulvechs are designed to suit specific playstyles. Besides speed and size, tanks are differentiated by their weaponry. The largest of the lot fires drills that punch through everything. Depending on the stage, this can be an ideal strategy or a big disaster. Erica's tanks (left side, center) can be summed up as flamethrower and giant laser. Good for single targets, bad for crowd. Special weapons can also differentiate wildly. The second-largest tank creates a field that erases every onscreen bullets. Appropriately enough, this special weapon has the least amount of ammo and doesn't do actual damage. It's still invaluable when used at the right moment. The top-left tank has a huge cache of grenades. They're hard to use but offer plenty of versatility. Players aren't required to use every vulvech in the garage, but they're setting themselves up for failure if they continue to rely on a small handful.

As is usually the case with ASTRO PORT games, this one features a wide selection of difficulty settings. Anyone experienced with shooters is liable to find Normal to be a little too easy. However, I'd still suggest starting with it. Higher difficulties affect more than just firepower. They introduce new and deadlier foes. The highest difficulty - which is only available after scoring 10,000,000 points in a single playthrough - adds buzz-saw tanks that will drain an entire HP bar in nanoseconds. Choosing the right vulvech for a stage also becomes outright essential. Even on the (easier) Insane setting, I was struck with the grim realization that my poor decisions in the garage set me up to fail at a critical moment. If you're willing to commit, then there's plenty of depth. 

Armored Lab Force VULVEHICLES is another easy recommendation. The concept is simple to understand yet creates a surprising number of potential situations to overcome. Enemies are varied, interesting, and always on the attack. 24 stages might sound rather high, but I assure you that the typical playthrough is going to slide well under 45 minutes. Also, fans of the lore can watch anime girls discuss the entirety of the ASTRO saga. I probably mentioned it already, but there are at least twelve games that share the same timeline. Ridiculous, but also charming.

Oh, and I've uploaded a playthrough of insane difficulty on Youtube. Cutscenes are automatically skipped, so there's not too much to spoiler.

2026 Special - Super Mario Bros. - Peach's Adventure

For reasons unexplored, I've been having a serious bugbear of a time allocating words towards this Super Mario World romhack. Super Mario Bros. - Peach's Adventure is a straightforward mash-up of all-things classic Mario. The art-direction is clearly inspired by SMB1, and there are frequent references to other titles like SMB3 and SML2. Besides utilizing its engine as well as some of its mechanics, this hack has a surprising lack of SMW. I'm actually very pleased with the decision. Fair warning: expect the next however many sentences to be filled with early-morning ramblings. 

Although I'm well-aware of the amazing work that has gone into Super Mario World hacking, the results often don't catch my interest. Taking a mechanically rich and experimental game like Nintendo's 1991 classic to new heights with a slew of original levels is amazing, no doubt about that. To me, however, it represents a commitment that I'd never be able to make time for. Not to mention, SMW is just one of several games that I want to move on from. Probably not even a week ago, I lamented that people aren't seeking out enough original stuff. Empty words from someone who'd then spend an entire weekend playing the randomizer that combines Super Metroid and Link to the Past. The worst part is I never finished a single run. They stalled out after I grabbed the easy-to-reach items, almost like some twisted gatcha where the first 100 pulls are free. 

This road to false equivalency is not one I intend to continue walking, but the randomizer incident has left me questioning what I truly enjoy about the classics. Is it the level-design? The controls? Or just finding some cool items? Super Mario World is a game that I've spent years with. The muscle memory is so entrenched that you could slide a controller into the hands of my fresh corpse, and they'd finish two 96 exit playthroughs before the rigor mortis sets in. Maybe that's the problem right there. Is finding exits all I care about? Everything else could just be a means to an end. For me, playing a SMW hack would be a risk. If I quit the instant I run into some friction, then I'll likely go back to the original for hours upon hours of exit gathering. Imagine playing games purely for the regurgitated sense of accomplishment. There're likely some deeper issues going on here, but I can't spend every review digging into them.

Super Mario Bros. - Peach's Adventure is a total conversion, and it's perfect for me. Mario has been kidnapped by Bowser. Stopping him requires a Princess willing to hop & bop her way through eight distinct worlds, all of which are stuffed with classic platforming goodness. I really like how charming and straightforward this is. There aren't any overcomplicated inputs to master or levels that require a dozen tries to survive. The emphasis is placed on breezy action that anyone can pick up and enjoy. Those willing to tackle the optional challenges will be rewarded with some fun extras. 

The power-ups are a delightful mishmash of favorites. Peach can easily roast or freeze adversity with the requisite flower. Leaves have replaced capes as the go-to flying accessory, though any need to actually take flight has been pared down quite a lot. Like I said, this is very much not a SMW game. Keeping a leaf nearby for the all-important hover is still handy though. My personal favorites are the boomerang & hammer. Throwing blunt objects is just a lovely thing to do. One other appreciative feature is that getting hit while carrying a weapon doesn't shrink the Princess. She gets to remain la- errh bi- um... tall-ish, until she takes damage a second time. Yeah, I guess I should point out that Peach's look is a little unexpected. It's all good though. This isn't an exploitative game. Plus, I think it's really cute how she's 60% hair.

Each level does a fine job of emulating traditional Mario action, but with enough surprises to keep things extra interesting. Almost every level contains five star-coins. Starting off, these shinies are located in plain sight and within arm's reach but steadily become harder to obtain as the adventure progresses. A handful are often tucked away in side-areas. They're not that hidden, especially for those who try to duck into every pipe they see, but anyone missing 2 or 3 after clearing a level might've overlooked a big detour. Collecting all of the coins in a level does mean that deaths aren't allowed. Thankfully, most levels are short enough so that retrying for full coinage isn't an ordeal. I can't say that I didn't get mildly annoyed a couple of times though. The final world has some beefy levels with easy-to-miss coins.

Also, I just think it's really fun how classic game stuff is incorporated into every level. It means that there's always something to look forward to. The frustration-free approach to obstacles is also kind-of amazing. Even the obligatory mine-kart levels just fly by. My mind was in a constant state of "Oh, this is neat". This conversion was clearly designed to move at a semi-brisk pace, as if the creator wants players to see everything, but without the repetition of constant retries. Balance between the old & new is handled really well. I never felt like I was just going through the motions or seeing things just for the sake of it. It's purposeful, smart game-design. 

So yeah, I think Super Mario Bros. - Peach's Adventure is worth a recommendation. Fans of the NES trilogy will find a lot to like. Using SMW as the base for a decidedly un-SMW game was a very clever move. Speaking entirely for myself, the lack of absurdist mechanics is really appreciated. I got to experience a fun quest while keeping thoughts of checking out more hacks in the furthest recesses of my mind. Again, I don't intend any offense towards Super Mario World hackers. There is a ton of brilliant work out there. A ton! It's just a rabbit hole I'd prefer to dance around if possible. The instant I fall in is the instant I'm right back to 96 exit-farming. 

Arcade Appreciation - Monster Maulers

The criminal organization Happy Droppers has bombarded Earth with psycho-mutation orbs! From this bizarre assault on nature rose six behemoths. Indestructible by conventional means, these gigantic creatures are poised to wreak havoc. They're so strange and powerful! The planet we call home teeters on the brink of annihilation! Is there anyone who can answer the call of heroism?! Well... yeah, of course there is. Earth's mightiest fighters - the Monster Maulers - have trained both body and mind for this fateful day. Do they have what it takes to save the world? Find out in Kyoku Sentai Dadandarn! 

Alright, very nice. I think I just exhausted my exclamation point budget for the rest of the year. 

But seriously, today we have another kick-ass game from Konami. I don't have to tell you that their output in the 1990s was totally insane. It was nothing but wall-to-wall classics that stretched to infinity. The basic premise behind Monster Maulers is that Anne, Kotetsu, and Eagle must square off against nine tremendous foes in a series of one-on-one - two-on-one if you bring a friend - fights to the finish. Since this is entirely a Player Vs CPU game, any approach is the right one. You can mash buttons until the credits roll, learn the ins and outs of every opponent to come out with counter strategies, or jump straight to that cheap shit. If you discover a technique that breaks the enemy AI or locks them down, then go ahead and abuse it. Nothing is going to get banned here.

Each of the three playable characters is controlled via a joystick and three buttons (light, medium, heavy). True to its nature, this fighter provides its heroes with a modest assortment of normals, command normals, grabs, and special moves. Blocking is as simple as holding back or down/back. Air-blocking is even simpler... because it doesn't exist. Be extra careful with your jump-ins because the opposition loves their anti-airs. While there aren't combos, you can often get away with landing an uncontested series of strikes or linking a kick into a throw. The point I want to get across is that the rules were thrown out the window ages ago. Both hero and enemy operate by a set of guidelines. Just because you block something that looked unsafe doesn't guarantee you a turn. Also, a handful of moves can exploit the enemy's tendency to perform anti-airs. A lot of the game will be spent learning and practicing ways to stay ahead of huge beasts that don't play fair. 

Sidenote: I just love how meaty the attacks look. The impact from every blow is nicely done. Throws and slams - particularly Anne's piledriver - are a serious thrill to perform. My one complaint is more of a character-specific issue. Instead of an air-throw, Eagle latches onto an enemy and throws some punches. It's a neat-looking move without a lot of practicality, as the punches do very little damage. Its only real usages are getting a knockdown and controlling space. Even a game dictated by guidelines respects a good understanding of fundamentals. Anyway, the rest of the attacks all look and sound great. The nine opponents having a totally unique look and move-list is also impressive. Konami injected a ton of personality into every facet of Monster Maulers.

If you want to crush Monster Droppers' schemes with the least amount of trouble, then Anne is your gal. Her standing heavies and mediums are great pokes. She has mid-air combos, which are invaluable against anything large or capable of flight. Shooting Star is the best special move in the game. It's hardly a contest really. Besides being an awesome projectile that can be thrown from any point in a jump, this also serves as a defensive tool to prevent Anne from leaping into her rival's waiting arms. Some foes have a greater tendency to reflect it than others, but even that's limited by how much agency Anne has during and after the throw. With the right timing and spacing, players can keep their turn while bullying their opponent. Anne's other special move is a button-mashing shock that's heavily situational but capable of amazing damage. Unless you have a problem with hearing "SHOOTING STAR!" a couple hundred times a game, this lady is the best choice for attempting a 1CC.

Kotetsu's best attributes are his dive-kick and psycho-crusher. I don't know if I'm qualified to call it a meaty but jumping and sticking one foot in a monster as they're trying to get up works surprisingly often. The psycho-crusher is incredibly versatile, though weakened significantly by the fact that Kotetsu is often vulnerable after performing it. Some enemies are all too happy to take a few hits if it allows them to land a big punish afterwards. Over usage of this move also seems to increase the possibility that the next hit Kotetsu takes will dizzy him. Even with its faults, I still think the psycho-mauler(?) is the second-best special move in the game... a distant second, anyway. Oh, and he has a fireball. 

Eagle is the most honest of the three heroes, and that's not really a positive opinion. His dashing uppercut is a good special. I never found a good use for his rolling special though. Its damage is just too pitiful. One of Eagle's better attributes is his crouching heavy. Use this fantastic poke whenever the situation calls for it. Otherwise, I'm not sure what's good about this guy. There's no doubt a ton of tech I haven't made time to learn, but it just seems like he struggles more than Kotestu and especially Anne. 

I won't break down every opponent, since strategies differ depending on the player and their chosen hero. Just get used to the first several games ending with a vicious beatdown. At its core, Monster Maulers is a series of fighting game bosses. As one would expect, the bosses have numerous advantages and are controlled by an AI that punishes inputs. Aside from the first - whom you're allowed to select - the order of opponents is random. If there's a creature that you struggle with, you might want to get them out of the way early. Of the initial group of six, I'll say that I've had the most trouble facing Slime and Centaur. Slime is incredibly evasive and often links multiple flying moves into each other. Centaur is just relentless with his pressure. Of course, I say this knowing that Anne has the least trouble with both. She can toss heavy Shooting Stars on top of Centaur to break his anti-air AI. Slime has it even worse, as Anne will trap it in a far standing heavy loop that's impossible to escape.

The remaining rivals are the Heavy Droppers themselves... and an army of killer robots. Yeah, the final portion of Monster Maulers mixes things up a bit. After clearing a wave of mechs, players will contend with Ducker. Yeah, this game loves its Gradius & Salamander references. Anyway, Ducker is a Fucker, the meanest of the mean. Besides its wide assortment of brutal attacks, this damned thing will grab someone the instant they land a hit. Most of the fight will be spent learning what NOT to do, and it's just plain grueling. I'm not sure why but defeating the damned thing doesn't grant a customary life refill. Having to face two waves of minions and a pair of bosses with one health bar seems like a "feature" Konami snuck in to wrangle more cash from arcade-goers. At least Mecha Gorilla and the Final Boss aren't nearly as rough as Ducker. 

Still, even with its end-game annoyances, I really enjoy Monster Maulers. The action is satisfying, and there's plenty of depth to each encounter. Doing whatever it takes to secure the win - especially if it's cheap - does a lot to heighten the stakes. Last night I achieved a single credit clear, and almost every fight came down to the wire. There's a link to the video below if you're curious. The 1CC run begins at about 1:04:11. Anyway, this is yet another Konami classic that deserves your time.

Super Nintendo Look - Cotton 100%

Life isn't easy for Cotton. She just wants to relax and eat willow candies, yet disaster follows her like a shadow. In Märchen Land there exists the wondrous willow grass, the main ingredient in a delicacy that has no equal. That's right! I'm talking about the Rainbow Drop. Without a doubt, a candy this tasty is reason enough to challenge seven stages of projectile-laden mayhem. Besides, it's not like the sweet-starved witch can refuse. Someone that looks just like her is causing trouble throughout Märchen Land and ruining her good name. Utilize Cotton's magical prowess to blast holes in cutesy creatures, rescue fairies for extra firepower, and perform lifesaving spells in this Super Famicom shmup by Success & Datam Polystar.

Since my previous memories of the Cotton series have been buried under a mountain of sludge, I'm going to attempt a fresh start. This means that my opinion on this entry isn't affected by some lingering attachment to an all-time favorite. With that out of the way, let me jump straight to why I don't really care for Cotton 100%. First up is the weird visual direction. I like the character designs and backgrounds, but the brightness is set way too high. Everything pops out of the screen, and that's not especially good for a STG. The blown up / overly saturated look ensures that I'll probably crash into a bullet or enemy if I'm not 100% conscious. This is very much a me thing, but I tend to do my best projectile-dodging when it's 4:00 am and I've just woken up. Shmups are usually the perfect games for broken-down insomniacs like me. However, when backgrounds and bullets share the same level of brightness, my eyes struggle to discern any difference. 

Fighting alongside Cotton is Silk. Her and her fairy friends serve as options, lending the witch additional firepower. Pressing the requisite button changes their formation, and holding the bomb button will focus their fire. Note that the bomb button just drops an explosive towards the ground Darius-style. Powerful explosives are instead tied to the spell button. The current formation determines what spell is cast, but I can't think of a reason to use any besides Barrier. It's a shield. It blocks a couple of attacks before disappearing. Even if it's supposed to drop in usefulness as players get better at the game, being able to take a hit without dying is huge. Usually, I wouldn't need an extra incentive to summon a dragon or whatever, but the alternative is a shield that actually carries over to the next stage if it survives the boss. Also, spell charges don't replenish on death, which provides even less reason to spend them on killing something a little more quickly.

Besides the number and speed of projectiles, the difficulty setting also affects enemy durability. This I assume is a form of punishment for my shield-loving ass. On Hard and especially Maniac, the popcorn baddies take as much damage as the average battleship. Since Cotton's weapon-level drops whenever she dies, momentum has a habit of swinging hard against her. She can't break through the frequent walls of fiends with poor weaponry. Maybe this is where the non-Barrier spells come into play. Personally speaking, tying enemy health to difficulty is just a bad idea. The weapons in Cotton 100% already suffer in terms of looks and impact, so having them do less damage just creates a shooting experience that's hard to enjoy. 

Also, the final boss is almost custom designed to leave me feeling less positive about the game than I was minutes before. Cotton has to be in the right place to bait the villain's lightning attack, otherwise she'll get backed against the "wall" and crushed. I get that the big bad needs something to set herself apart, but this particular move requires several lives to be sacrificed; all for an unearned light-bulb moment. My thoughts on the rest of the boss-fights waver between they're too weak to be noticeable and too gimmicky to be enjoyable. There's a tree (and squirrel?) mid-boss that requires an absurd level of pounding. One other mid-boss is a cakewalk unless its bees manage to escape. There are some others that I'm forgetting to mention, but it's hard not to when the absurdly bright visuals and flickering cause this shmup to feel like a bad dream.

I didn't intend to treat Cotton 100% so harshly. The controls and other important bits are solid. My biggest problem however is one that just happens to form into a giant hand that drags everything to hell. It's as if the rough visuals have bled over, causing me to look upon the rest of the game with additional disdain. My eyes hurt just thinking about a replay. 

Super Nintendo Look - Dragon View

In the minutes leading up to this review, I brainstormed and discarded a half-dozen introductions. Among the refuse was a brief history of Kemco, a once-held belief that a belt-scrolling Action RPG would be the coolest thing ever, and existential crisis #2,194. Ultimately, I settled for what I believe best summarizes Dragon View's place in history. It's a derivative product designed in a lab to massage the brains of those who spent a few too many years enamored with sword-wielding boys. If you close your eyes right now; you'll envision this game's entire story. A young warrior with a grand destiny must stop an evil wizard and rescue his girlfriend. Keep those eyes closed a few seconds longer and you'll likely point out that the evil wizard has a tragic backstory (that doesn't even begin to justify his heinous actions). As much as we plead with ourselves to seek out the new and inventive, there is something within us that exists solely to reminisce over and consume the reheated remnants of happier times. I can't hate Kemco, at least not more than any other business. Selling people video games that they've already played is how the industry works. 

It's a criticism faux pas, but I can't help but treat Dragon View as a chimera formed from the DNA of other games. Imagine Link to the Past, Zelda II, and a little Sword of Vermilion getting mushed together. Alex is the young idealistic warrior who must rescue a world plagued by random encounters. The first-person view and 3D graphics lend overworld exploration a unique feel. Important landmarks are connected by roads, but secrets tend to be buried in obscure locations. You'll know you're making story progress when somebody hands you a map to the next region. Upon entering a town, a battle, or a dungeon; the perspective switches to a side-view. In order to defeat the monsters accosting him, Alex can use his sword, the boomerang-like hauza, or spells. Dungeons are much more than rooms full of monsters. Some get really devious by using one-way doors or platforming challenges to frustrate heroes.

In short, there isn't anything here you haven't seen before. While the belt-scroller look is different, dungeons still play out exactly like Zelda. They're just a series of rooms with maze-like qualities and a gimmick suitable to the region. The shift in perspective doesn't add anything to the combat either. There isn't an extra layer of depth like in Golden Axe or King of Dragons. Most attacks are avoided simply by moving along the Y-axis. To their credit, enemies can hit awfully hard. Getting through the first few dungeons is a challenge due to pitiable health and resources. By the mid-game, however, players are liable to be over-equipped and over-leveled. This is when the doldrums set in.

Last year, I must've played through forty games about sword-boys doing sword-boy things. For the most part, I had a really good time. Unfortunately, Dragon View carries itself with a certain mundanity that's hard for me to stomach. The familiar is just too familiar and nothing unexpected ever happens. After trekking through a fire cave and then a region covered in snow, I really would've liked to see some place new. Maybe there could've been a mutated forest or the ruins of an advanced civilization. It didn't have to be original! I'd take anything besides a swamp or desert! Running through the exact same places as in every other action-adventure is just exhausting.

The worst part is that the overworld is just a chore to navigate. I know the game is sometimes referred to as Drakkhen II or Super Drakkhen, so there's no getting around the 3D overworld. It's just, if I'm doing exactly what I would've done in any other Zelda-like, then allow me some joy in exploration. Zelda II places important upgrades in obtuse locations, but its map is easy to move around in. Running through Landstalker's similar-looking forests doesn't get tiring because there's always movement and combat to engage in. Dragon View has a novelty that wears off in less than 15 minutes. Trudging through a featureless world at a single-digit framerate seriously had me wishing the game was more derivative. 

Although a commendable effort was made to provide players with helpful (if sometimes cryptic) NPCs, there isn't a good reason to ever go without a guide. Players are practically expected to find every HP container and equipment upgrade. An alternative exists, but it sucks. Let's say you reach the final boss at level 38. He's going to be an absolute tank at such a "low" level. If you haven't already found the secret hauza technique that deals decent damage to the big bad, then you'll either have to make the long trek back to its location or kill a couple thousand imps. I can't imagine why anyone would want a miserable end-game grind straight out of Ys, but maybe Kemco has data proving otherwise. They surveyed a bunch of gamers who collectively agreed that replaying the parts they hated from the Action-RPGs they loved would still be pretty cool. Yes, I know it sounds insane, but I can't just say "It was the style at the time." to describe every poor decision.

Ultimately, my issue with Dragon View is that it doesn't make me want to feel anything. Snore-inducing overworld aside, no part of the game dips below adequate. I just can't stand its uninspired world and empty characters. Everything is so... generic. The one word I seriously never wanted to use here is generic. I - I'm sorry. You can't see me right now, but I'm doing a my hands are tied gesture. This game could've had an isometric toilet-cam perspective. It'd still never be anything more than a tired replica. Like I said though, I can't hate Kemco. They manufactured my Playstation 2 memory card, and it never let me down.

Turbografx-16 Look - Magical Chase

Once again, predictable as always, I'm trapped beneath the blinding light of a blank screen. My eyes dart in every direction, hoping to settle upon a sight that isn't the definition of futility. Something has to be typed out. "If it sucks, it sucks." is the only encouragement I can offer myself. The days of a finished review meaning anything besides a miniscule sense of accomplishment are so far gone that they probably never existed. Nevertheless, there are few things uglier than total whiteness. It reminds me of the walls I'd stare at while waiting for someone to answer the door and take pizzas out of my hands. Oh, and that cursor! The way it sits in the corner just blinking away. I feel sick.

Today's reason for the turmoil is none other than Magical Chase. It's a game I keep wanting to attach an extremely unnecessary level of gravitas to, probably because the average copy goes for as much as $5,000. That might not sound like much in an age when money launderers seal Super Mario Bros. & Duck Hunt in plastic coffins and sell them to each other for millions, but... I've already given up on wherever I was going with this line. Point is that I can't look at Quest's lone shootemup without thinking it deserves a review that actually appreciates its value. My qualifications are owning a Coregrafx Mini and touching a Hucard once. Who am I to have opinions on a platform I've never truly invested in? Goddammit. The years spent in the retro community are taking their toll. I could cover a thousand games a year and still feel like I'm worth less than a CRT. Yet, the story continues, because it must.

So, here I sit, dead-center in the abominable maze, hoping for a single thought that my meager words can express. Let's try something basic: How do I feel while playing Magical Chase? Well, I guess I feel good. There is an upswell of pleasant feelings when I destroy the final boss. When it's just me and the game, things make sense. Maybe not life, but definitely some things. Much respect to Quest. They crafted a charming little adventure where not a single minute goes to waste. My one serious complaint, which I'll get out of the way right now, is that Ripple is a rather large target. Evading the many dangers that occupy Ripple's world is a little harder than it should be. Then again, having a shmup protag with a generous health meter and a small hurtbox would be overkill I suppose.

What you're looking at is a direct quote from Gley Lancer. It refers to the "Reverse" weapon-system. As you might recall, prior to starting the game, players choose a weapon-system that suits their style of play. Reverse is a shmup concept that I've struggled with since back when I played MUSHA for the first time in 1991. The main reason I wanted to do a Magical Chase write-up is because Ripple has a couple "movers" of her own called Star Maidens. The gist of it is that players can manipulate Topsy & Turvy to protect the heroine. Tapping button I when they're in a desired position will lock them in place. Players can set the Stars in front of Ripple to catch the majority of incoming bullets. Taking the first couple seconds out of every stage to set this up prevents a lot of headaches, but one still has to be vigilant. Enemies attack from every possible angle. 

While the Star Maidens can be directed to fire straight ahead, I believe that they're most effective in their alternate firing mode. This of course, means they'll shoot in the opposite direction that Ripple is moving. No doubt there are a ton of veterans who are already well-adapted to this style of weaponry. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it, especially since it requires a higher level of patience and awareness. Combining offensive actions with defensive movements is really clever. The dichotomy adds complexity to each encounter. However, my divided attention means that messing up and eating a bullet is even easier. At least Ripple is built much heartier than the average prototype ship. Being able to devour bullets actually incentives me to learn how Topsy & Turvy work. Huh. I just realized something. If I shorten their names, they become T & T, or TNT. Is this a Working Designs joke that I just stumbled into? Ewwww.

What Magical Chase brings to the table is generosity. In the last 1CC playthrough I did, which wasn't more than a day ago, I must've screwed up a hundred times. Since healing items are usually easy to find or purchase, all those screw-ups were forgiven. Once I reached the final stage, I was able to lock-in and... screw-up an additional dozen times. This game gives its players a lot of room to grow, while avoiding the pitfalls of being too easy. Though, you may as well forget the first difficulty setting doesn't exist. Anyone who isn't playing on Bumpy or Rough isn't seeing anything past the third stage.

Still, even those who struggle with dodging will survive, as long as they're wise with money. Much like other shmups that feature shops, knowing what to buy makes a huge difference. Besides getting the coolest, most powerful weapon available, players would do well to upgrade TNT, Ripple's maximum health, and keep an elixir on standby. The best usable items (double-tap II) are the ones that replenish a couple hearts and provide a temporary damage buff. Keep a handful of both in Ripple's inventory and don't hold back when they're needed the most. 

The critters that accost Ripple come in various shapes, but their sizes stay relatively small. This aspect of Magical Chase gives it a more pronounced identity than the average cute 'em up. Mid-bosses & Bosses aren't gargantuan immobile creatures that take up half the screen. Oftentimes, they're little gremlins that fly around. Players can take advantage of this by continually positioning themselves just out of range. Later fights ramp up the intensity of attacks, ensuring that there's rarely a safe spot to sit in.

I don't think there's anything else to talk about. Magical Chase is quaint in all the right ways. All six of its stages, even the mid-boss-heavy finale, are sufficient and succinct. Its mechanics will require some practice to get a handle on. Fumbling the star maidens during a critical moment happens to everyone. Its lax attitude towards persistent screw-ups like me is really appreciated. When the game gets challenging, it does so in a manner that feels sensible. Give it at least one playthrough every couple of years, and maybe you'll get an extra 1% happiness in your life.

(Or you could play something like Cyber Core and lose happiness. It's your call.)

Game Boy Color Look - Blade

Blade is exactly what I like to see from a licensed game. A competent developer puts their expertise to work and delivers a unique product that's enjoyable to play. Yes, I just stumbled onto this Game Boy Color brawler a few days ago, but I'll be damned if I don't make it the center of attention for a hot minute. For those out there who haven't already checked Mobygames, today's Daywalker experience is the result of a collaboration between HAL Corp. and Avit, Inc. I'm unfamiliar with the latter's games, as several of them were niche. Like, we're talking Volleyball and Cyborg Volleyball niche. Still, my eyes were definitely caught after discovering that many of Avit's team-members were responsible for the classic Kunio-kun and Double Dragon games I grew up with. No doubt they'd do justice to a game about a cool vampire hunter who fucks up vampires.

Upon starting the game, you're given the lowdown by Whistler. The undead menace has bases all over the city, and you get to decide which locale to purge. However, I must suggest that you make Enemy Base 1 your first mission. The level is actually a determinant of the enemy's strength. All of Blade's attributes start at level 1, so taking out vampires of the same level is no problem whatsoever. If he decides to enter the Level 2 area, then he's going to sweat quite a bit. Level 3 is for everyone trying to ice skate uphill. Blade is adept enough to handle anything that gets thrown his way, but he'll have to work three times as hard to complete a mission. Also, the slightest mistake erases a huge chunk of life. Unless you're really confident in your abilities, save the higher-level locations for after you've gotten Blade some upgrades

Another reason to start with Enemy Base 1 is that it's the perfect introduction to the game's three modes of play. It starts with a shooting gallery. With gun in hand and unlimited ammo, our hero shoots down everyone that comes into view. There are a few key points to keep in point. Holding down either fire button produces a steady stream of shots, but it drastically slows the targeting cursor. You're often expected to sweep from one side of the screen to the other, as well as shift focus between the foreground and background. "Feathering" the button-presses should be enough to maintain consistent speed while inflicting damage. Later shooting galleries increase the enemy's numbers and reaction time. Break out the screen-clearing shotgun (both buttons simultaneously) when necessary. Its ammo is limited, but anything's better than taking damage. There are only a handful of shooting gallery stages, which is all right by me. They serve their purpose as both a welcome break from monotony as well as a chance to earn some easy cash. The unique control scheme and satisfactory shootin' are icing on the cake.

After clearing the immediate area of vampires, Blade is awarded some cash. This is dependent on various factors, including the number of destroyed enemies, and remaining special weapons. There's bonus money if you can get through a section without taking damage, but imperfectionists shouldn't stress too much. While cash is required to upgrade equipment and stats between missions, survivors should obtain enough to max everything out before the final mission. The expectation is that players will do just that, ensuring Blade goes from Ultra Badass to Ultimate Badass. Anyone seeking an extra challenge could refrain from enhancing their armor or serum (which functions as the time-limit). No matter the case, spending on Kung Fu should be a priority, since beatemup combat represents the bulk of the game.

As one would expect given the developers, the sections where Blade eliminates vampires with martial arts prowess take heavy inspiration from Double Dragon. The sideview even reminds me a bit of the NES games. By pressing the A button, Daywalker will throw a basic punch. If an enemy is looking exhausted, then the next attack will be a devastating kick. Through regular Kung Fu investments, players can learn to perform spin-kicks, screen-clearing throws, and more. The main point to keep in mind is that button-mashing is a dangerous game. Smarter enemies will block and punish accordingly. Instead of risking it all on repetitive actions, mix up your repertoire with parries.

With the push of the B button (and at least an inkling of timing) Blade will deflect an enemy's blow, opening them up to a quick & nasty combo. Tougher foes like Karate Masters or Werewolves often get priority when attacking, so there's no reason not to learn the parry. The window is generous enough that even if your best is just a guess, you'll still be right about 2/3rds of the time. A fair argument to make is that perhaps this technique leans too heavily in the player's favor, but I think it works for a superhero game. Let's be real here, even on his worst day, Blade is still motherfucking Blade. He's a hundred times better than some vampire chump, and that's reflected in his game. The parry enhances his martial prowess to a supernatural degree, yet it's also delightfully restrained. Players aren't required to spam it just to survive. Throw in the fact that it's always satisfying to perform, and you've got a kickass move that makes the beatemup action sing.

Most missions end with a 1v1 sword battle. It's here where my feelings lean closer to mixed rather than positive. The controls are fine, though a fair bit more complex than elsewhere. For one thing, this is the only time Blade can jump (B+A). He has a couple of mid-air attacks, but most leaps are for evading certain attacks or attempting to better one's position. There are quite a few sword techniques to play around with, but doing anything besides blocking is a big risk with little reward. Bluntly, success in a 1v1 is determined almost entirely by finding the right opportunity... and button-mashing. There are essentially four types of opponents: demons, ninjas, a robot, and the final boss. Demons are elemental, and quick to fill the arena with fire or ice. The best time to hit them is when they're landing from an air-attack. If you manage to knock them down, then start slashing as soon as they wake up. Not all strikes are going to land, but I can't imagine it mattering too much. An upgraded sword kills bosses with the quickness, so you're still very likely to win, even if you spend almost the entirety of the fight getting knocked around. I get what the developers were going for here, but maybe I've come down with an allergy to 1v1 sword battles in beatemups. They never seem to work 100%. 

Some parts of Blade come off as half-baked. The first Enemy Base, with its multiple detours to collect keys and special items, gives the impression that the game will have some adventure elements. It won't last. Walking from left to right and crushing whatever gets in the way is most-assuredly the norm. The enemy variety is pretty good for a licensed brawler, but too much of the 1-hour+ playthrough is spent in subways and sewers. Also, there's really not much decision-making. Whistler stresses it in the beginning of the game, but only because wrong choices lead to a final confrontation that may be too much for most players. Purposefully avoiding the intended route causes the enemy's level to increase, which only favors the maniacs. An argument could be made that entering a potential no-win state isn't half-baked at all, but rather the consequence of ignoring good advice. I just don't see it that way. To me, there should be a viable route to the end no matter what decisions the player makes... pfft! Hahahah! Yeah, I'd better save my ridiculous dreams for something besides an early 2000s licensed Game Boy Color product. What's here is good enough, honest.

All I have left to say is that I'm glad I took a chance on today's game. Blade fans, who've known nothing but disappointment since 2004, should check this out. Some of its ambitions go unrealized, but they hardly matter when the actual gameplay is damn solid. One day, I might even come around on the 1v1 fights. The execution isn't ideal, but from a technical standpoint they're really impressive. It's just difficult to discover the techniques that may elevate the game when battles end so quickly. 

Oh well. 

Zelda II Randomizer ~ Help! I can't quit this freaking game!

This is the page that I've dedicated to my Zelda II: Link is Adventuresome Randomizer playthroughs.

Run #1 - Basic random options. This took about four and a half hours to complete.

Run #2 - More advanced options. This took just under four hours. Ignore the first 20 minutes. It's from a failed run.

Run #3 - This time I got the ALLKEY earlier and was able to save a ton of time. There's still plenty of room for improvement though.

Super Nintendo Look - Super Adventure Island

It's Friday night and I'm on my usual bullshit: playing Zelda II randomizers. Either inspiration strikes, or my brain numbs itself into slush. After two or twelve hours, it finally dawns on me that I can throw down some words on an inoffensive game. Super Adventure Island is a spice-free and forgettable take on Hudson Soft's hop & toss series. Most gamers remember it for the funky Yuzo Koshiro soundtrack. Is there something else? Well, shit. I've already committed myself to writing a piece. Either I find something, or I talk in circles and call it content.

Master Higgins' girlfriend has been kidnapped again! Tighten up that grass skirt and embark on yet another rescue mission. This time around, there are five stages with four areas apiece. Go ahead and use those first couple of areas to familiarize yourself with what's new. It won't be long until you realize that the hero has given up running. The man jogs like he's gotten tired of his lot in life. Luckily for him, the areas have been squished to compensate; hardly ever approaching the lengths common to the NES entries. With everything being a bit truncated, one would believe that obstacles and enemies would be more common. Short and intense, yeah? Ehh. This is an early Super Nintendo game we're discussing here. Not a whole lot can happen without slowdown. Anyway, Higgins has one little quirk to be mindful of. The jumps he makes while standing still are never going to be as high as when he's moving. If you need a high jump, then press the d-pad in the requisite direction before hitting that button. 

As far as weapons go, Mr. Dude has two available to him. The differences between the hammer and boomerang aren't nearly as pronounced as before. I would've suggested that they're interchangeable if it wasn't for the fact that the boomerang is always the better choice. You see, weapon pick-ups can be stacked until three can be thrown at a time. They also turn into fireballs, because why not. Anyway, the ability to throw boomerangs in two* directions is just too good to pass up. Also, they have better distance and coverage. With hammers (or hammerballs), it's possible to throw one over an enemy's head if they're too close. Total Bummer! Super Adventure Island also has a tendency to place hammer pick-ups in spots where they're hard, or at least inconvenient to avoid. Sure game, just do whatever you like. Higgs-meister can coat a third of the screen in consistent, rhythmic blasts as long as he's at maximum boomerang power. Barring some exceptions, the most his enemies can do is struggle to find their way through the fire.

Weirdly enough, all the crazed animals that once ruled the islands of adventure are nowhere to be found. Snails, bats, pigs, foxes, and most notably, frogs have decided to take a vacation. Instead, there are an entirely new set of adversaries to deal with. Weird little shell-like guys sit and wait for someone to land on them. Walruses float along like hot-air balloons. Don't forget the penguins who charge whenever they catch sight of some fireball-chucking guy. Most of the time, these goobers only succeed when players get a little too comfortable. Dangerous enemies tend to have weapons of their own, or the element of surprise. Bug-likes attacking from the sky and tiny bugs that fly in a circle after their rest is disturbed can do a frightening amount of damage. Otherwise, I suppose the only serious threat are the bosses, and even then, the concept of consistency seems to elude them.

Five stages mean five bosses, so let's go down the list. First up is the statue. Immediately chuck fireballs up in his face and he'll be dead before his counterattack can reach the ground. Next is Octo-shell and... Alright, this one's got tentacles. It'll take some patience to find enough of an opening to land a hit and get away. By the by, failing at a boss kicks Higgsworth back to the previous area. It's a rather annoying method to replenish lost weapons, but not a huge deal. Third boss is a ride-along dragon. Most deaths to him can be attributed to falling through the end of his tail or getting sneak-attacked by the sudden lava flow that falls from above. Dying means replaying the most chill mine-cart section. It's a weird fight. Speaking of weird fights, Skeleboner with a lightsaber has one attack. Its hitbox lingers for an extra frame, you need precise jumps just to land a hit and not die, but the boss can be defeated in just a few hits. Then there's the final boss. If he's laughing, then he's going to jump when he runs toward you. Either you know about this, or you die to a seemingly unavoidable attack. His second phase is something either you'll either get on the first try or suffer greatly. It's a load of bleagh. 

Sometimes, I think the entire purpose of Super Adventure Island is to create a vibe for players to slide into. There's a specific flow to every area. All the player has to do is find and hold onto it, and don't allow anything to shake it from their grasp. The game is still challenging in the sense that every bit of contact is fatal. Besides that, however, series veterans so used to the beatings they received on the NES may wonder if the fight ever actually starts. Deaths almost occur by happenstance instead of a concentrated effort. The worst of it is when the game knows all its cards have been played, and resorts to the "I bet you weren't expecting this!" in order to steal a few more lives away. Still, at least I'm not playing Adventure Island 1. That has to count for something. 

*Sir Higgins can fire underneath him while jumping or swimming. Why do the hammers even exist? No, seriously. I know they're Adventure Island's thing, but... they kinda suck here. Don't even get me started on the skateboard. Damn thing barely exists.

2026 Special - Zelda II: Link is Adventuresome

You know something is very wrong when I'm writing about a Nintendo game. Well, technically it's a remaster of a Nintendo game with added content, but let's not distract ourselves with details just yet. Mainly, I'm under the (hopefully mistaken) impression that people aren't recognizing Zelda II: The Adventures of Link as the greatest side-scrolling Action-RPG on 8-bit hardware, and it's threatening to turn my skin inside out and set it aflame. You could show me a hundred essays, a thousand hours of youtubers crowing about every last mechanic in this 1987 masterpiece, and I'd still look at you with my "Is that all?" face. Much like how Super Mario Bros. became the standard for all platformers to follow, Zelda II is the pinnacle of sword-swinging stat-building excellence, yet...it doesn't really seem to the be case, doesn't it? The game seems to have fallen into a weird space. Unlike its predecessor, there weren't dozens of clones. Now, one could put forth the argument that everyone (including Nintendo) was actually copying Namco's Dragon Buster. I don't know about that. Half the time that game's protagonist can't seem to tell which end of the sword he's supposed to be holding. Let me be clear: even if Zelda II was nothing more than its sword & shield, it would still be phenomenal. 

Explaining the greatness of this game's sword is simple: it's the perfect weapon because it has to be. In The Legend of Zelda, the sword is a great weapon that tends to be paired with an amazing sub-weapon. Early on, Link gets a boomerang, which unlocks a stun & stab combo that erases practically every overworld monster. It won't see any use against Darknuts or Wizrobes, but I wouldn't expect less from Link's toughest foes. Anyway, Zelda II throws all of Link's toys in the bin. Stabbing a fiend in the face is pretty much all he can do, and it's wonderful. The sword is immeasurably reliable yet bound by limitations. Its beam no longer flies clear across the screen, nor can it harm powerful foes. It does offer a micrometer's worth of pushback, which is kind-of incredible. A lot of what makes this game so immense gets taken for granted, and that includes the sword-beam pushback. The effect is so minute, but it creates a variable, or even an added challenge, since mashing the attack button could push an enemy just out of range.

What makes the sword brilliant is its dependability. This tool is precise, can strike multiple overlapping foes, and is both fast and strong enough to take down whatever gets in the way. The catch, of course, is getting past the enemy's defenses. Even the lowliest slime can throw the hero off their game with an ill-timed jump. Since health restoratives have become niche, monsters must be respected no matter their size or capabilities. Damage adds up quickly, and Link gets knocked back whenever he takes a hit. Nintendo didn't let the Action-RPG format dissuade them from crafting an adventure that punishes mistakes as hard as Castlevania. They knew players would persevere and overcome, most of them anyway... probably. As a kid, I never saw the inside of The Great Palace. The random encounters leading up to it are a nightmarish barrage of flying eyeballs and lava-pits. Working out a strategy for evading a series of instant-deaths can be a bit much. Still, it's not as if the sword failed me. 

The shield didn't protect my childhood innocence from being shoved into lava either, but it did a substantial job otherwise. Seriously, this plank of wood & iron is unbelievable. All too often, readying a shield will force the protag in some sort of stance that minimizes or outright erases their movement. They stop the instant a projectile makes contact and get caught in some recoil animation. It's exhausting to watch and makes defensive play a chore. If the shield is an essential tool, then it shouldn't ever be an inconvenience. Nintendo had it right way back in 1987. Link doesn't have to give up his momentum to block a projectile. This allows for combat scenarios where multiple enemies can approach from different directions, melee or ranged attacks at the ready, yet the player is under no obligation to slow down. The shield has an understated presence. Never distracting, always there when it's needed. Plus, it makes blocking fun! Every rock deflected while Link is running or jumping is instant dopamine. 

Another smart aspect of the shield is that like the sword, it has limitations. Players will learn - sometimes the hard way - that not everything can be blocked. Early on, protecting oneself from Moblin spears or the Iron Knuckle's sword is simple enough. Death Mountain is packed with Daira, and their axes cleave through defenses like nothing. Only here, in the bowels of hell, can one appreciate the smooth controls and appropriate hit-reactions. Landing strikes feels great, and dodging the counter is even better. There's a real dance to jumping in and out of attack-range that other action games of the era tend to struggle with. The conclusion I'm drawing is that a lot of work went into having enemies that move with the player. They're aggressive, but don't act out like a raging berserker. A Red Daira likes to stay a short distance away, where a throwing axe can cause the most pain. Some monsters are just tough to get close to, but it also makes them easier to predict, cutting out the clumsiness of accidentally jumping onto a foe instead of in front of. 

Despite mustering all of my "it's 5:00 am and I couldn't sleep" energy, I can't find the right combination of words to describe the downstab's greatness. This technique is so flawlessly implemented that it's almost shocking. Forgive the sudden shift, but part of the reason I don't care to discuss Nintendo games is because it's overly trodden ground. Yes, they've made a number of classic games, and no there's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said about them. Nevertheless, I look at the downstab and think that there has to be something left to say. It's such an effortless, joyous move. Hold down while in mid-air. Crush weak foes. Bounce across anything armored. Perfection. The upstab rounds out Link's versatility, giving him a much-appreciated option for dealing with anything that's directly above. 

In order to better explain the value of the magic system, assume from here on out that I'll be referring to how they're implemented in Zelda II: Link is Adventuresome. The most prominent change is that the fairy spell has been replaced. Now, Link is transformed into a cucco. He can flutter his wings to cross large gaps, beak his enemies to death, and crawl through tiny passages. While flying through keyholes is out of the question, being a smaller target does make bullet-dodging easier. Protect, Heal, and Jump are still liable to see the most casts, but I wouldn't ignore the rest of the spellbook...well, maybe in a vanilla playthrough. Mainly, what I'm saying is that the other spells become a lot more useful in a randomizer. Reflect turns the Red Gaira's throwing axes against them. Enigma transforms an army of Blue Iron Knuckles into blobs. Fire is a handy long-range weapon. They're still situational spells, but keep in mind that randomized enemy spawns tend to create a lot of situations. 

Link is Adventuresome brings with it numerous expansions to the world map and dungeons. These are all handled tastefully. A temple usually has a few extra hallways and some new obstacles. Locations that were once barren have been livened up with small areas to explore. It's a larger game that still maintains the original's spirit. Dedicated explorers will be rewarded with some amazing gifts. There's a fairy who needs rescuing. Succeed, and Link (or whomever) will have a friend who'll haul their hapless butt out of an instant-death pit. Gather the wisemen's clues and open a path to the defense-boosting Red Ring. The most arduous task involves hunting down 12 golden slimes, but the magic sword they guard is worth it. 

Between the new content and QOL features, this remaster is an easy recommendation. Its creator went above and beyond, doing justice to the original and rounding it out with new content that doesn't feel excessive or purposeless. The multiple soundtracks and playable characters are also quite fun. However, I must suggest that anyone familiar with the game should challenge themselves further with a randomizer run. The revised engine supports any number of unholy enemy combinations, and it's a delicious treat trying to find a way through a squad of Iron Knuckles or Fokkas with a level 1 character. 

Above all else, the next time you revisit Zelda II, take some time to marvel at just how incredible it truly is. There's so much inventiveness to this Action-RPG that I never even touched on. Turning a random encounter into a short action stage is such a cool idea. Managing experience gains to rapidly boost attack power or get a full-heal in a desperate moment? Totally love it. These and many other wonderful ideas are tied together with top-tier combat mechanics. I... I think I've said enough. These reviews where all I do is heap endless praise are actually the worst to write.