2025 Special - Neutopia 2

The previous introduction to my Neutopia 2 review, which you'll never see because it sucked so badly, was so "old man yelling at clouds"-coded that after writing it I rushed to the mirror just to make sure I hadn't just aged 40 years in seconds. Imagine my relief when all I saw in my reflection was a pizza starring back at me. Why yes, I have been delivering pizza for my entire life. The second you give me an opening I will spend the rest of eternity complaining about it.

Alas, I'm not here to complain about my job. I'm here to complain about Neutopia 2, a video game that should've been a slam dunk. The perfect example of a sequel that vastly outclasses its predecessor. Instead, it's a better but. Do you remember all of those times you've been asked what you thought about a sequel and responded with "it's better but..."? Next time, just say it's a better but and move on. Don't even bother explaining, they'll understand what you mean. 

...You can probably guess just how badly I want to walk away from this review.

Jazeta sucks.

On paper and in practice, Neutopia 2 is the superior sequel, that is not a debate I'll ever humor. The first game has aged like milk. Even if I could look past the abysmal swordplay, I'd still have to put up with a hundred or so NPCs talking about how much they love Jazeta. "Jazeta is so great. God's gift to mankind. He is so brilliant and powerful and"- God, I wish Jazeta would just die. Well, the sequel begins, and I got my wish! He loses a fight to a comedy squid, so now his son has to take up arms and save the world. I also appreciate that despite his father's apparent death, actually very few NPCs spend entire paragraphs praising his corpse. Oh, and they also (mostly) stopped living in holes in the ground like Bugs Bunny. I didn't know where else to put this, but I assure you it's a plus.

Far more important is the fact that using the sword feels a hundred times better. Jazeta's son, aka Larx, can attack in eight directions. He doesn't have to stop moving to stab beasties either. The additional maneuverability makes a world of difference in combat. Fighting actually becomes second-nature instead of an inconvenience, and that's what you want a video game. The new boomerang sub-weapon is nice, with the only catch being that you can actually lose it if you aren't careful, and they are a bit pricy to replace.

fire rod

The fire rod also returns, only this time there are wind and thunder rods as well. Each of these elemental-themed weapons grows in power and coverage has your max health increases, and that's appreciated. However, Hudson Soft somehow nerfed the hell out of these things. I say "somehow" because I don't know if it was intentional or not. Basically, when you use the sword on an enemy, it pushes them away from you. It's extremely reliable in that regard. The rods though? They'll push enemies in seemingly random directions. If the next fireball you fling causes a monster to land square in your lap, well then that's the price you have to pay. Granted, there are still many other uses for the rods, such as attacking enemies from far away or behind walls. You'll get a lot of mileage out of them still. It's just oddly hilarious that the developer nerfed the rods into the ground, just so gamers won't ignore all of the - much appreciated - work they did on improving the sword.

There is one other particularly notable weapon, though I'm not sure how much praise I'm allowed to heap on it. The flail, which is hidden in one of the mid-game dungeons, is honestly fantastic. It has massive reach and coverage, while not suffering the "might push enemies on you" issue that plagues the rods. It does cost ten gold every time you use it. Still, you're probably not hurting for cash, unless you're blowing it all on medicine and boomerangs. 

The world of Neutopia has also changed massively since the last adventure. Gone is the hub shrine, and has been replaced with a more natural overworld, with just the right amount of linearity to keep you focused. The dungeons have also seen a significant overhaul. They're more bespoke, often resembling the locations they're housed in rather than an assortment of rooms smashed together. In one dungeon, you'll explore a pair of towers, crossing the bridges between them as you climb. They don't quite approach the theming that you'd commonly see in a Zelda game, and that's fine. What's here gives Neutopia 2 an identity all its own.

In terms of pacing, it's another across-the-board improvement. You'll still have to put up with a rather slow walking-speed for the first dungeon, but shortly afterwards, you can do a mild sequence-break to pick up substantially faster boots. Dungeons increase in difficulty as you progress, but they don't necessarily increase in size and complexity either. There is more consideration for how everything in this game works. Extra confidence and care, which is exactly what you love to see in a sequel.

Yet with all this flattery, I've still got a better but on my mind. Why is that? Well, you see. There is one appreciable aspect of the first game that I forgot to mention. The last boss isn't at the end of a dungeon. In fact, he's just a couple rooms away from the starting hub, allowing you sufficient rest and preparedness for the final battle. In Neutopia 2 however, they stuck the final boss at the tail end of the large final dungeon. Which means, if you fail to defeat him, you're going all the way back. That is a lot of needless frustration! Why would the developer make such a change? Now that I think about it, if my dumb ass forgot about one of the first game's few great qualities, then do doubt others did the same.

Huh... well shit. 

Speaking of the final boss. Dirth is a real piece of work. He teleports around the arena, using the elemental rods against you. It's a clever idea, but misery in practice. Now normally when facing a boss with three attacks, you've got a 33 and a 1/3 chance of getting the attack you can counter, but Dirth is a gigantic ass and almost exclusively uses the attack that you can't do anything about. This is one of those times where I had to break out the save-states to preserve my sanity. I am not repeating a whole dungeon just to get pushed around by RNG. Going further, if I showed up at Dirth's door with just the fire rod, would he only attack with fire? Punishing players for being thorough sounds exactly like something a video game would do, but I doubt it's actually true. Unfortunately, I don't have any intention of replaying the entire game just to find out for sure.

Dirth sucks

In most of the ways that matter, Neutopia 2 is a great sequel. Better controls. Better dungeons. Better all-around. However, it's strangely worse in other ways. It's not baffling enough that it sours the entire experience, but it is enough to keep my mind filled with inane questions. Why did they break the fire rod and then create two more (also broken) rods? Why isn't the final boss somewhere convenient instead of a freaking pyramid or whatever? You see, this is exactly why I wish I could just say that it's a better but, so I could skip the part where I have to explain my reasons. I'd rather focus my energies on what matters... like pizza. All of the god damned pizza.

I hate pizza so much.