2025 Special - Neutopia 1

Eagle-eyed readers are probably wondering why I'm writing about Neutopia again. I'm wondering the same thing. The last time I played these Turbografx-16 Action RPGs was over fifteen years ago. The article I wrote about them is still readily available, and my opinion... hasn't really changed. 

... Well now what? Am I off the hook? Can I skip ahead to the next game about some other guy who swings a sword and maybe solves a puzzle? If only it was that easy. Nope, I have to sit and stare at the almighty blinking cursor until something that passes for inspiration hits me. Either I force myself to revise my thoughts or develop a new perspective. Should I even go so far as to dig deep and deliver a review that actually contains insightful thoughts? Gosh... I can't even remember the last time I had a thought at all. 2019 was tough, and every subsequent year has been exponentially tougher. I still dream about the day I reject thinking entirely, because it's never done me any damn favors. 

I hope you like pushing unmarked blocks until one of them opens a door.

This... this isn't just pointless rambling. I'm psyching myself up to deliver a stronger opinion on Neutopia 1. In my eyes, here is a game that isn't "fine" or "inoffensive". Here is a game that needs to be knocked down a peg, because it has wronged a couple more times than I can forgive. However, I also have a little bile saved for the sequel. While it is far and away the better game, there are some baffling ideas that left me thinking "The developers didn't want to make the same mistakes, so they made new mistakes instead???" 

First off, in a world of short kings, you do not want to be a tall boy. In other words, Jazeta the hero is a ginormous target. He's at least twice the size of Link from The Legend of Zelda or Jim from Hydlide. Even in the earliest moments of the game, you'll realize that being tall is a sin. You've got a shield that can protect you from some projectiles, but the most common source of damage is the enemy that weaves its way around your sword and bops you square in the face.

I imagine there's at least one person who thinks that all Action-RPGs should only have four-way, eight-way, or infinite-way(?) movement. Restricted movement creates an identity while unrestricted movement allows for freedom. 99% of the time, I couldn't care less. Not once did I play a game like Landstalker or Soul Blazer and wished that I could move in eight directions. Neutopia falls squarely in the 1% nobody wants to be in. Walking in this game makes me feel trapped, claustrophobic, and at the mercy of monsters that seem free to do whatever they like. The slow speed certainly doesn't help, though it's mitigated by a boot upgrade a little ways in. Still, movement never feels good enough that I stop thinking about it.

Also, the sword sucks. Yeah, I'm back to complaining about swords again. Can you blame me? Using the sword always seems to leave Jazeta at a disadvantage. He has to stop, poke, and hope he doesn't whiff entirely. I've certainly done worse, but that's entirely on me for chasing maniac games. Normal people aren't going to enjoy using this sword for any length of time beyond the first several minutes.

FIRE ROD

Imagine how badly this game would've aged if it didn't have the FIRE ROD. I swear, this beautiful stave carries Neutopia on its majestic shoulders to a tolerable experience. It's a reliable means of damage-dealing that only gets better as your health increases. You can also attack out-of-reach enemies from different angles. It's so good that they nerfed the heck out of it in the sequel, but that's a story for another day. 

My opinion has softened a little on the world and dungeon design. The world consists of four realms, each with a pair of dungeons. Complete them both to progress to the next realm. It's linear, which helps retain the player's attention. It's still a nuisance that nearly every screen has a tree to torch or wall to bomb. A ginormous network of cave-dwellers has information to give or items to sell. Generally, while exploring, you'll first meet the guy who tells you something important is to the northwest. Not long afterwards, you'll find a lady who's heard that a guy next door has that important something. It's standard practice and can be pretty helpful... until you inevitably get tired of it and just start looking up where to go on gamefaqs. 

The dungeons are serviceable and often punctuated by decent bosses. Well, maybe decent is a generous term, but I'm sure I'd remember the most horrid battles if there were any. One odd aspect is that heart-replenishing cherries are comically rare. I advise carrying a full stock of potions at all times, because if you're running low on life, the game punishes you further with the most agonizing warning sounds this side of Mega Twins. How did the developer expect anyone to survive with bells ringing in their ears? I'm not trying to be rhetorical here. I'm genuinely curious.

All told, giving Neutopia a full and proper play-through didn't drain my withered soul, nor did it leave me with a heart full of rage. It's not the fully regrettable adventure I might pretend it to be, but time grows increasingly unkind to it. Jazeta is too tall to be a hero, and he can't wield a sword either. Both him and the game would be in a really bad place if it wasn't for the Fire Rod. While I'd love to say "skip this and go straight to the sequel"... I can't. Neutopia 2 also has problems. Not as many for sure, but enough to warrant a write-up of its own.

This might be the thirstiest princess we've rescued yet.