2026 Special - Swords & Bones 2

While shopping around for material that I could use for the 2026 Special, I stumbled upon Swords & Bones 2. Being a mere 69 cents was pretty much all the reason I needed to scoop it up. From what glancing at their store page tells me, SEEP (the developer) puts out three to four games a year. These are often throwbacks designed to evoke the spirit of the classics they grew up with. Their latest game is Codename: Black Crow, and it shares at least a passing similarity with the likes of Final Zone 2, Last Alert, and other overhead shooters. I'll have to keep that game in mind when I start on the "Guns! Guns! Guns!" special in 2028...

Now as for this game, I suppose there's surprisingly little about it that's worth complaining over. Starting off a review with quarter-hearted praise isn't ideal, but this was literally my first thought once the credits started rolling. For all intents and purposes, I got exactly what I expected. This is a competently constructed hack & slash about a warrior named Berenice who fights through 51 stages to avenge her fallen kingdom. Each stage - which features the expected gamut of monsters and hazards - takes a minute or two to finish. Your goals are twofold: collect a trophy and reach the end. Trophies are often placed in locations that require special abilities to access and are necessary to achieve the best ending. 

Sword & Bones 2 isn't frictionless, but it is designed to move you along at an almost constant pace. Upon completion of the first stage, you'll understand exactly what's expected of you as well as Berenice's strengths and weaknesses. Naturally, her weapon is a sword and while it lacks reach, it offers serviceable coverage. Enemies tend to move slowly or not at all, so even if most take multiple hits to down, it's never any trouble to back away or strike them from behind to avoid damage. Oh, and you don't have to worry about an infinite supply of monsters flying in from the sides. What you see is what you get, every time.

Berenice also carries a shield capable of blocking both projectiles and contact with foes. It's nice to have for emergencies and all but required for the bosses, who rely on their hefty bulk to bash into warrior princesses. I say emergencies because the shield has a limited number of uses per stage. Better shields can be purchased if you need them. One annoyance with this defensive option is that it doesn't protect the face, and there are several attacks designed specifically to sail over shields. I get that it's by design, incentivizing players to practice positioning and good judgment instead of just hiding behind a hunk of metal, but... you know how annoying it is when something hits you in the face. 

Sword & Bones 2 also has platforming. There were never any feelings of "Wow! This is neat!" or "Wow! I hate this!" while hopping from one ledge to the next. It is just something that exists. Something I appreciate is that while a few ceilings are lined with instant-death spikes, Berenice isn't going to collapse and fade from existence if her hair happens to graze them. A bad jump is by far the least-likely cause of death, which might be a little odd for an action-platformer. I'm not saying I'd prefer the alternative, but it did feel strange just how smoothly these parts of the game went. Maybe I just can't appreciate a good thing even when it hits me... in the face.

Bosses take 1 to 3 attempts to defeat. They exist. I seriously can't think of anything I want to add besides try using the shield. Berenice gets a second of invulnerability after blocking an attack, enough time to land a couple hits. 

While there are a few loose threads I should pull on, there's something about Sword & Bones 2 that pushes me away from even thinking about them. I guess it's simply because the game fell squarely in line with my expectations. No elation. No disappointment. I spent 69 cents and got an hour and a half's worth of playtime. Cool. 

2026 Special - Melfand Stories

In spite of the (too) many years I've been a critic, the only Sting-developed game that I've reviewed was Hyperdevotion Noire: Goddess Black Heart. It's a damn shame, isn't it? A developer with such a rich and eclectic library, yet all I ever covered was their Neptunia spin-off. That's changing today, because I'm going to look at Riviera: Th- nope. Okay, well how about Yggdr- ha ha hah! Yeah, that isn't happening either. Actually, I've decided to discuss the underrated Super Famicom classic, Treasure Hu- it's Melfand Stories. Let's be real. There was never any doubt. Sting has put out some genre-benders but I'm keeping it traditional with a look at their side-scrolling arcade adventure.

When I use the word "arcade" to describe this, I sincerely mean that it wouldn't look out of place sitting in a Game Center between The King of Dragons and Gaiapolis. Although Sting hadn't yet found their niche, they clearly had an understanding of what makes arcade games so good. It starts with how much attention is given to hitboxes and hurtboxes. If the player feels like they were cheated out of their coin, then they'll walk away from the machine never to return. You're going to be fighting a lot of monsters that approach from the air as well as on the ground, and I mean a lot. Whomever you decide to play as will have to deal with small armies and swarms at the same time. Despite this, I never feel like the game takes health away just because something got uncomfortably close. Ducking, jumping, and timing your strikes for the most opportune moment matter. The mechanics here are pretty basic, but they're genuine. You don't get a wide variety of moves for each of the four characters. You get enough to win the game with.

Basically, your goal in Melfand Stories is to reach the Castle and defeat the evil king Nomolwa. How you go about this is decided by a routing system. Depending on the path you take, you'll get one of four "stories". Though the plot beats are roughly the same, you'll challenge different stages and bump into a variety of side-characters. The person you decide to play as also has their own reason for fighting. By 1994 standards, it's a thoughtful approach to storytelling that Sting would only improve upon in future games. Each choice leads to either Easy or Hard stages. It's best to start Easy, because Hard runs with the assumption that you're familiar with how the game works and gets a little mean.

While this adventure is essentially comprised of stage after stage of enemies attacking from multiple directions, it's not really comparable to the likes of Kung Fu Master or Vigilante. Stages are broken up into sections, and these sections may contain unique foes that must be fought in a specific way. Skeletons are quick to stab, so you'll want to keep your distance. A swarm of harpies isn't too rough provided your counterattacks are timely. Haunted armor with a halberd? Try jumping its initial strike and then land a flurry of blows, but don't get overzealous if there's more than one. Since all of the playable characters have just a couple of moves, your best technique is simply knowing what to do in a given situation. Bosses appear in both the middle and ends of stages, each having their own strategy. Most of them go down quickly, which is good because you're on a somewhat strict time limit. It can be a problem if you're struggling to find the rhythm in a boss's pattern and land hits. Though I've never run out of time myself, it's sometimes because I got too aggressive in a fight and paid the ultimate price.

Due to the infrequency of healing items, the damage you take can't be shrugged off. Rushing through a section while getting repeatedly pecked or stabbed in the hopes that a restorative will undo everything is a terrible idea. Melfand Stories emphasizes the importance of every interaction, especially if it involves what's normally considered to be fodder. The times you can get through a section without taking damage feel like a great achievement. A playthrough is arcade-length, so even on the Hard routes it's still short enough that credit feeding works. Also, you'll earn an extra credit for hitting 20k points and then every 40k thereafter. I think it's a neat incentive to help players along, especially in co-op games because it assists whoever is having a harder time. That said, the score does reset when continuing and even adds the +1 to the end of the player's score to indicate a continue was used. Sting released multiple shmups prior to this, and even a port of Truxton. They have a good sense for how arcade games work.

One of this game's most notable qualities is its block. Blocking is done simply by holding down the attack button, but it's easily the most essential technique the player can learn. Granted, playing it overly safe is dangerous due to the time limit. This is fine, preferred even, because it adds layers to the depth. Avoiding an enemy's attack entirely while landing a hit is always preferable, but blocking is still far superior to tanking damage and hoping for the best. Also, those times where simply blocking is the best strategy can't be ignored. In the Sky stage, you can easily deal with annoying rolling monsters by using block & punish tactics.

The strength of the block is also in its limitations. During a block, the direction you're facing, as well as whether you're standing or crouching absolutely make a difference. Projectiles that curve around to smack a hero or heroine in the back of the head are more common than you'd think. Over time, you'll develop an acute awareness of where fireballs are most likely to land, making the satisfaction of blocking them all the sweeter. Of course, it helps if you're familiar with cross-ups in fighting games. Mainly, even when blocking isn't the end-all solution to every problem in Melfand Stories, it's at least a large part of it. Oh, and you can also crouch-walk or slide. This extra level of mobility is lovely to have, and particularly beneficial to characters like Norse. His walking speed is rather slow, but he slides like greased lightning. 

The more you invest in this game, the more rewarding it gets. Being able to block attacks and win is one thing, but utterly humiliating what troubled you before unlocks the mwah level of satisfaction. Captain Foot or whatever lizard-brain wants to call himself can be completely undone with close attacks. Something as simple as changing what side of the screen you're standing in can drastically affect the effectiveness of dive-bombing birds. Standing just outside of a golem's reach while still bashing him to bits is great. Alongside the multiple routes and playable characters, there's a lot of long-term value in learning and eventually exploiting. 

Melfand Stories is among the more obscure games in the Super Famicom library. Its emphasis on the fundamentals might even make it look a little dated when placed next to hits such as Wild Guns and Ninja Warriors Again. However, I think this classic is finally starting to find its audience, as more as more people are getting on youtube to call it an underrated gem. Also, extra credit to Sting for whatever wizardry they used to get so many sprites onscreen without a hint of slowdown. I couldn't believe it when I realized I was getting chased by nearly a dozen harpies and the "hardware" didn't so much as cough. 

2026 Special - Tomomi

The secret society Animalia is building a planet-destroying super weapon. Humanity's last hope is a super elite combat unit known as a Hero, but you can call her Tomomi. Take control of an awkward pervert with a wicked katana and crush evil under the immeasurable weight of love & justice! Although, just to clarify, this game is still at least a tier below the Shantae series in terms of lewd content. We try to keep it PG here, provided you ignore all of the coarse language and ultra-violent game coverage. Anyway, this is a Metroidvania, an extremely lean one at that. If you have five hours to spare, then you can 100% complete it... twice! 

I complain a lot about slow-paced games, so it's only right that I show a little appreciation for one that moves lightning quick. Animalia headquarters is by no means tiny, but the developer avoided the common pitfall of creating several empty rooms that serve no purpose. Riko is Tomomi's partner on the inside. She provides advice about upcoming obstacles. Conversations between the two make up the bulk of the game's narrative. Thankfully, nothing close to a lore dump is dropped in your lap. Pretty much all of the dialogue could fit on a single piece of paper. This game is designed around momentum and hanging onto it for as long as possible. Fans of "world-building" aka screen-after-screen where nothing happens should seek something else.

Naturally, the heroine moves like the wind, or rather... the storm. What I mean to say is that she's fast, fluid, and quick to rain hell on everything that accosts her. You'll pick up the basics instantly. The controls are nice and loose, with an attack speed that's satisfyingly speedy. Tomomi has a standard three-hit combo, and the delay after the third hit can be jump or shuriken-canceled. This is an important incentive to utilize all of her tools at once. The double-jump and dodge are unlocked pretty quickly as well, and they contribute to a very input-intensive game. You're always going to be pressing *something* even in those rare moments where there isn't any opposition. Any sort of contact with enemies is dangerous, but you'll slay most everything in 0 to 3 seconds, so it balances out.

The protagonist can throw shuriken, as long as she has the MP for it. This is a system that likely won't make itself apparent until the late-game and beyond, simply because MP and recharge speed start off very low. Once you start upgrading Tomomi's ability to replenish MP with ranged attacks, you'll have a reliable side-arm for when you need to take a step back but don't want to give up the assault. Other essential upgrades include HP restoration when an enemy is destroyed. Cheap vending machines dot Animalia, and they're your only other healing source. If you need a pick-me-up during a boss, then try killing any adds that show up. Again, this is in service to the game's momentum. It provides immediate sustenance as long as you feed it destruction. I think this system they've devised is engaging, not to mention entertaining. 

Next up is the enemy discussion. To reiterate, everything dies quickly. The tricky part is getting around their offenses, as their distance from the heroine and propensity for ranged attacks are all it has to keep from being mashed instantly. With each passing area, adversity gets a little stronger and slightly more durable, but never to the extent that it slows the game down. Thorough players will discover that Tomomi is always leveling up or acquiring attack/health upgrades, so gaps close pretty quickly. Keep in mind though that the difficulty still maintains a steady upward curve. Enemies devise new attack methods and increase their numbers. To counter the increasing odds, your best strategy is to use every tool at your disposable. This only becomes more apparent as you unlock the more expensive abilities, which are designed specifically to enhance one's playstyle. One such ability allows the heroine to reflect projectiles, an amazing counter to the bullet-hell that some foes are capable of. A completely optional but no-less important ability is the bomb. It's slow and has poor range but does incredible damage that'll erase giant mechs.

What works on the fodder isn't nearly as effective against bosses. Tomomi implies as much with its first encounter. In order to defeat this enormous titan, Tomomi has to dash under its crushing feet and enter a rear hatch to slash at its core. Get used to the indirect approach, because it makes all the difference between winning and redoing. Subsequent boss battles expect players to analyze patterns and exploit openings. There's almost always a gimmick involved as well, such as the fifth boss having a core that can only be reached by freezing and hacking through slime and then escaping before the slime reforms and crushes the heroine. I don't think that there's a bad fight in the game. They're all unique and have purpose beyond being a larger target with a lot of HP to chew through. You might not even struggle to defeat them the first time through, but that'll change in the second loop.

I want to make it clear that you have to give this game at least two playthroughs. The second loop is a really fascinating and exhilarating take on New Game+. This time around, Tomomi starts with all of her powers. Yes, there's no need to pick up the double-jump, or the high-jump, or the grappling hook - which kicks ass btw - again. Instead, you just grab keys at the end of each area in order to unlock the next. This is what makes the game such a clever take on Metroidvania. Exploration is still limited to occasional secret rooms and the odd optional challenge, but the traversal powers make getting around even faster than before. Grappling and spin-attacking through hallways, high-jumping out of danger, everything has usefulness beyond accessing the next area. You'll have most likely purchased all of the combat-specific abilities by now, turning what was once a storm into a typhoon. It's extremely satisfying to unleash a half-dozen flavors of hell onto hapless foes. Bosses getting new attacks is also quite welcome.

The adventure doesn't have to end after two loops either. You're more than welcome to try for a third and beyond. Enemies will continue to get stronger. In fact, they're capable of defeating the heroine in three hits or less. It's a significant damage boost... that you might not even notice most of the time. I imagine there will be a point when Tomomi will have as much durability as the average STG protagonist, but you'll be so skilled at evasion and opposition-crushing that it won't even matter. 

I just can't emphasize enough how so much of this game works because of its pacing. There are no delays, and the most waiting you'll ever do are a few elevator rides. Tomomi is lean, treating any screens where there's no action as unnecessary fluff. Tomomi is sweet, throwing its players into a constantly satisfying loop where every action gets neuron-activating results. What I thought was going to be just another Metroidvania turned out to be Character-action with a twist, and it's really quite special. 

Earlier this year, NUL2 STUDIO (the developer) released a follow-up titled Rolling Star. Everything about it looks amazing. It's just... oh... the heroine has a gun this time. A gun! I won't be able to play this until at least the 2028 Special.

Dammit...

2026 Special - Wife Quest

Fernando is the most desirable man in the realm. He might also be the only man in the realm, but we can't get hung up on that detail. Whether they're chilling in the snowy mountain peaks or drinking in the deepest caves, every monster girl wants a piece of Fernando. He's a married man though, and his wife Mia is understandably miffed when Morganna descends upon their home and seizes him. Angry enough to spit fire - except not literally since she's only human - Mia grabs her sword and sets off on a mission to punish every gal that lays their paws, claws, tails, hooves, whatever on her hubby.

I'd like to go ahead and dispel any and all illusions of glowing praise or damning condemnation. Wife Quest is adequate, serviceable, and above all, fine. I wanted to see how much entertainment I could wring out of a product that took $1.50 out of my wallet. The answer is: enough. This game features a solid mix of both action and platforming. The intricacies are where it falters, but I can't get too mad about those. The developer wisely avoided the overly difficult scenarios. The action is stressful enough that I can tell what they were going for. It doesn't attempt excess. Checkpoints are constant, frame-perfect techniques are nonexistent, though there is some trial & error.

The game consists of six areas, each containing anywhere from 15 to 20+ sections. These sections are where all of the mayhem takes place. Mia slashes any monstrous ladies that accost her while hopping across platforms. The controls are typical of the action-platform genre and anyone even halfway familiar with concepts such as "attacking" and "jumping" will grasp them immediately. One potential snag that you should be prepared for is that there isn't any coyote time. Leaping across chasms never has to be perfect, but you're not getting a fraction's worth of leeway if the heroine runs off of a ledge. The second area has a few instances where you have to guide Mia across finicky leaves. I'm not going to list off every troublesome spot, since many of them aren't that consequential. For the first half of the game, failing a platforming challenge costs a few seconds and maybe 1 HP. The second half is more punishing, as a fall might cost Mia her life. She has an infinite supply, so really, you're out a minute at the most. 

The starting area features enemies that don't do a ton besides walk (or slither) around and attempt to bump into Mia. A couple might go the extra mile by throwing objects or taking a swing at her with a club. Everyone flashes white a split-second before they attack, which is the best visual cue one could ask for. Dealing with multiple adversaries, all of which capable of flying and/or projectile-tossing, will become a lot for a sword-wielder to deal with. This is where the magic shield comes in. An extremely potent weapon - yes, weapon - the shield not only blocks attacks from any angle; it also reflects projectiles and even damages enemies on contact. Successful usages drain the magic meter, so always keep an eye out for crystals. 

I like the shield. Besides the sword and a bow that won't appear until much later, Mia doesn't have a lot of offensive options. Incorporating the shield into most situations and strategizing around the limited MP pool gives Wife Quest some real depth. For example, the shield can be used to attack foes from above, almost like the "butt-stomp" that appears in so many platformers. Striking monsters that are some distance away and deflecting their counterattack helps to minimize MP costs. All of the sword-damage upgrades you purchase apply to the shield as well, so its importance never falls off. Oh, and while I'm at it. There is a shop, and my advice is to buy every upgrade. Max out that inventory limit too so Mia can have a full supply of health or magic potions. Besides foolish pride, there's no incentive to skip the shop.

The Fairy Queen boss is likely to be a nuisance for newcomers. It's one of those points where you have to understand Wife Quest's rules or at least show a willingness to learn them. Contact damage with an adversary will add up quickly, and they aren't afraid to clutter the screen with projectiles. If you're not 100% certain about what to do next, just get the shield out. There will be attacks that rely on Mia's running and jumping prowess to avoid, but those tend to have more noticeable tells. Furthermore, tempting as it may be to dodge an attack to conserve MP, you might discover that there isn't a safe place to dodge too. Near the end of most boss battles, the arena undergoes a transformation, creating pits or other obstacles. I know you're sick of hearing about it but keep the shield up.

 

After dealing the Fairy Queen a harsh punishment, Mia will obtain the first traversal power. Wings allow her to hover as long as R1 / RB is held down. This makes platforming sections much more manageable. All future areas will require at least some wing usage, but the ease of midair traversal overtakes the increase in difficulty. This applies to the other big traversal power, an enchanted tail that lets the heroine dash in any direction. Now, I don't want to sell the post-tail areas short, since they feature everything from crushing avalanches to little icons that propel the wife around like Donkey Kong Country's cannons. These icons are also iffy in their design. They must be dashed through and whiffing that dash is a little too easy sometimes. If you mess up, you'll be a treated to a scene like this, where Mia can't do anything besides fall into the abyss. 

What keeps the frustration from setting in is that the developer chose restraint. Like I said before, checkpoints are frequent, and they never stop being frequent. To add to this, the most difficult platforming section never demands perfection out of the player. A late-game section might have you shooting orbs with the bow to keep a crushing spike-wall from completing its task, but you'll have ample opportunities to make a second or third (or fourth) shot. Basically, the orbs never disappear or stop working, so just keep hitting them until you've successfully escaped the spike-wall. Wife Quest is very generous in a genre which is often anything but. Some players will undoubtedly struggle more than others, and unfortunately, I don't know how to answer that. Still, I would've liked to have seen Mia's hurtbox shrunk by a millimeter or so. Damage from merely grazing spikes or projectiles occurs a little too often.

If you consider yourself a completionist, then wait until after completing the game to test out Ymir's Challenges. Finding all enemies, every treasure chest, and finishing the area under a specified time awards bonus art or achievements. Don't pay any mind to the time until you've unlocked Magic Mode. This gives Mia a new look, every power, and infinite MP. It'll be much easier to beat the clock when you can spam dashes.

If you can get past its faults, Wife Quest is a fluffy adventure. I'd say that there was a missed opportunity to push for something more challenging and execution-heavy, but it might be for the best. Several of this game's details are less than perfect. Precision platforming only works when the player is solely to blame for anything that goes wrong, and it's a lot of effort creating something that could very well tumble over and crumble to pieces because a hitbox in 5-13 was a smidge too large. The developer accomplished exactly what they set out to do, and I respect that.

2026 Special - Toziuha Night: Dracula's Revenge

Toziuha Night: Dracula's Revenge is an action-platformer that's deep-fried in Classicvania tradition. As the iron alchemist Xandria, you'll trek through six terrifying stages, slashing apart innumerable demonic fiends and floating candles with a chain whip. Sub-weapons hide amongst the candles, offering would-be vampire hunters an alternative means of dealing with opposition. Every jump is a commitment, so don't even try to change trajectory while in mid-air. Oh, and if you see a red skeleton, then you know damn well that it's going to reform itself seconds after being taken apart. 

My thoughts on this throwback are a little hard to explain. First, I want to reiterate that I don't see any value in comparison reviews. I don't judge games on whether or not they're better than their predecessors, and I certainly couldn't care less if they compare favorably to the greatest games ever made. I'm critiquing art, not analyzing toasters. Second, I must admit that while I don't write comparison reviews, I am, at least on a deeply subconscious level, comparing what I'm playing right now to what I've played before. More pointedly, today's game fares better than it perhaps should, because previously I covered the rather woeful Castlevania Legends. 

Now, if you want an unbiased review, my suggestion is to talk to a rock. The point I'm making here is that try as I might, I can't always keep outside forces from influencing my reviews. I'm not docking 100 points from every game because a trip to the mechanic ruined my Christmas. At the same time though, I can recognize when I'm susceptible, and Toziuha Night: Dracula's Revenge being a not-unpleasant way to spend the afternoon couldn't have had more perfect timing. 

Since the bulk of this game is spent whipping monsters of varying sizes and behaviors, let's discuss the whip itself. While it can't strike in multiple directions, its speed and range make it a natural vampire killer. One notable aspect is its uncharacteristically large hitbox. The whip strikes a small area just above Xandria's head. This is nice for the ghosts and bats that don't often have the courtesy to fly straight into the path of your weapon. Sub-weapons are more of a mixed bag. I got a lot of usage out of the buzzsaw. Throw a few on the floor and they'll function like caltrops, absolutely shredding the bosses that stay grounded. Besides the dependable shuriken, other sub-weapons tend to be either expensive or situational. Mana - the ammunition of the alchemist - is oddly difficult to come by. Defeating the final bosses might as well be a whip-only challenge, because nobody is winning with a weak chakram that costs five mana a throw. 

The demonic denizens of Dracula's domain will be familiar to Castlevania veterans. Skeletons and bats are the most common, with the latter attacking in groups of three whenever you're trying to hunt down a key or do some platforming. Evil mages chuck fireballs, devilish skulls spit in an arc, ghosts appear when you're pre-occupied, and ladies too lazy for clothes ride on pillows while summoning swords... I'm just describing what I'm seeing. These and other threats populate each screen, usually placed wherever there's some free space. Picking up a key or unlocking a door can cause more foes to spawn, so don't let your guard down. Besides a few instances where I acted foolishly and allowed Xandria to get knocked off of cliffs, regular encounters usually weren't too rough. At least on normal difficulty, there aren't any of the cruel scenarios like the axe-armor + medusa head combo from the end of Castlevania 1's fifth stage. Damage values are also kept in the realm of fair. Projectiles hurt a little, spikes hurt a ton, while contact with enemies falls somewhere in-between. 

I'd describe the level-design as basic, and perhaps a little disappointing. Each stage has all of the necessary elements, whether they be moving platforms or crushing ceilings, but none of them ever congeal into circumstances that made me take a step back and reassess my approach. While I haven't talked about it lately, I must mention that this year alone I've replayed multiple Classicvanias. Again, no direct comparisons, but the thought that Toziuha Night could've been more inventive with what it had crossed my mind a handful of times. A stage might have a series of hazards and enemies to contend with, but nothing about them garnered an emotional response. I don't want to draw the wrong conclusions here, but the generosity of both foods and 1ups eliminated a lot of potential stress, and sometimes stress is essential to the throwback experience. However, I have noticed that a number of reviews in the Steam store mention that they had to play on the easy setting for its infinite lives (no shame in that btw). I also didn't try the hard difficulty, but that's because of my mixed feelings on the bosses.

There is a thought I have tumbling around in my otherwise empty skull that this game designs boss patterns around their "cool factor". Let's say that I have to make a boss-fight out of a giant man-eating plant. I'll put in just enough effort to give it a few attacks that reflect its design and then move on. Now, let's replace "man-eating plant" with "impossibly sexy vampire wife". For reasons that should be obvious, I'm far more invested in designing this boss. She's going to have phases, a huge variety of attacks that have to be memorized, the works. Conveniently, she's also the final boss, so players aren't likely to question why they're spending an inordinate amount of time fighting her. If it sounds like I'm projecting, then it's probably because I am. One of the many reasons why I don't make games is because I'd want my OCs to appear in them, and they'd be impossible to defeat. I'm talking 1,000 Malenias performing 1,000 waterfowl dances at the same time.

Mainly what I'm getting at is that Toziuha Night has an overdesigned final boss compared to the rest of the game. Anastasia Tepes has three phases, close to a dozen different attacks to memorize, and subtle tells that will trip players up multiple times in a row. This finale is where the bulk of my 14 deaths occurred, and I'm sure I'd have had a miserable time if I didn't enter it with 10+ extra lives in stock. Also, I won't deny that one of the reasons I finished the fight was because there's a checkpoint after the first two phases. There's no doubt that my spirit would've left me if I had to redo the entire battle. Each phase can be memorized, but their disproportionately large health meters make every attempt a chore, especially when Xandria doesn't even get a courtesy chicken between them. The thought of fighting Anastasia or any of the other bosses under differing conditions, such as in a boss-rush or on a harder difficulty, just doesn't sound like a good time for me.

Even with all of my complaints, I still enjoyed this game more than the last. It just goes to show much I value pacing. Toziuha Night: Dracula's Revenge might not be as tightly designed and balanced as I would've liked, but it moves steadily, as if stopping the prince of darkness actually matters to the protagonist. Putting it in blunter terms, Xandria walks and jumps like she gives a shit. Clearing the bar closest to the ground shouldn't count for this much, but what can I say? These things just happen. 

So.... here's a proposition. If I ever get around to Toziuha Night: Order of the Alchemists, I'll make sure to replay Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia immediately beforehand. That way, memories of one of my favorite Metroidvanias will cast a massive shadow over the Toziuha Night successor and... Never mind, I'm not jumping through all of these insane hoops. Again, go ask a rock for an unbiased review.

2026 Special - Castlevania Legends

Transylvania is in danger! Some Prince of Darkness has decided that mankind needs to perish. Sonia Belmont, the first in a long line of vampire hunters, grabs her whip and storms the dark lord's castle. Castlevania Legends is where it all began. Before Richter, Simon, or even Trevor, there was Sonia. However, as many are aware, she was removed from canon. It's a terrible shame that we never saw this Belmont again, especially since she never got the opportunity to appear in a good game.

I'm afraid that this is one of those reviews where I couldn't go one paragraph without making my (negative) feelings apparent. KCE Nagoya has the talent to make an enjoyable Castlevania. However, they just can't seem to let go of their individuality. I feel terrible saying this, because it's supposed to be an unequivocal good thing. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a vampire hunting game where the protag climbs rope instead of stairs and the bone pillars have three heads instead of two. There are times though that I wish they had gotten their own series, something unique that isn't tied to an existing brand, creating expectations they're seemingly uninterested in meeting. 

Much like the previous entries in the Game Boy "trilogy", the whip-slinging protag moves at a speed that's at least a tier below methodical. Whereas Belmont's Revenge managed to work around this issue and still be a fun time, Castlevania Legends chooses to bearhug it. At the beginning of every stage, you'll see that there's 500 maybe 600 seconds on the clock. Get used to the idea that most of those seconds will be spent slowly, glacially, agonizingly trudging through stages that are way too long for their own good. Sonia can slide down ropes very quickly, but she'll take her sweet time climbing them. She also duckwalks, which might help with getting under projectiles. Otherwise, it's just an excuse to move even slower.

The jumping controls are actually pretty flexible, and the game wisely avoids the slew of pixel-perfect leaps that plagued Castlevania: The Adventure. Besides pits that are either bottom-less or full of spikes, hazards are kept to a minimum. There is the collapsing bridge in stage 2, but Sonia can inexplicably outwalk it. Fair warning though, jumping off of a rope gets hardly any distance, so don't take any chances unless there's a platform almost directly underneath the vampire hunter. Also, I have to praise the fact that death by getting kicked off of a ledge by an enemy is actually pretty rare. This is somehow balanced out by Sonia having a noticeable lack of invulnerability frames after getting hurt. Deal with foes immediately before they get the chance to land another 2 or 3 hits.

With every passing stage, the grim realization sets in that this entry loves its respawning enemies. They return the instant you move the camera a micrometre away from their spawn point. It's not a huge problem during horizontally scrolling sections, but your eyes will roll many times over during the likes of stage 3. There are bipedal rope-climbing creatures that respawn almost as quickly as you destroy them, making vertical sections a breeding ground of annoyance. As much as of a hassle it tends to be, you'll want to whip every candle to keep those hearts topped off. In lieu of subweapons, hearts are spent on special abilities like time-stop and healing. Under the right circumstances, they're pretty overpowered. 

By pressing the jump and attack buttons together, Sonia enters "burning" mode. For a limited time, she moves much faster, has invinc- Wait. Wait! Wait!!! She moves much faster?! Am I being pranked right now!? Castlevania Legends could've been so much more bearable if this Belmont walked like she gave a shit about saving her homeland. Instead, her ability to move at a speed besides snail is limited to once per stage (or once per life). I... I seriously can't believe this. The urge to finish the review has left me like a ghost had just been exorcised. Goddammit! This is totally something that only KCE Nagoya could've come up with! I can't trust them. I can't trust them at all. 

Anyway, just use burning mode to defeat bosses and... yeah. That's practically the entire game. GG or whatever. Castlevania Legends could've been a predictable, somewhat bland, but still entertaining traipse through the haunted castle if it moved at any speed besides Rolan's Curse. Locking all of the precious speed behind a temporary ability is a knife in the back. 

"Oh my god!"

2025 Odds & Ends

The purpose of this post is to knock out all of the games I played in 2025 but just didn't feel like writing a full review for.

Metroid II: Return of Samus

Samus goes to SR388 to kill all of the Metroids. It's an overly large, empty game. Lots of corridors of both the vertical and horizontal variety, often with nothing in them. This entry also introduced the Space Jump, so you have even less reason to stay on the ground and potentially shoot a varmint or something. The Metroid fights are essentially mini bosses. There is some strategy in how you position Samus and react to their erratic movements. The spider-ball is perhaps the most relaxing power-up. Nothing like slowly cruising along walls and ceilings while listening to some quality Game Boy ambiance. Entire adventure is chill, besides the comically hard final boss that makes up 99% of the game's difficulty. OK

Pizza Portals 

Your job is to deliver pizza through multiple dimensions at the same time. This is a homebrew game that only takes around 5-10 minutes to finish. I enjoyed it. There's not a ton of meat to chew on, but the developer took a unique concept and made it work on NES hardware. Impressive stuff. 

Maiden Cops

Streets of Rage w/ monster gals. This is a fun beatemup that just needs a few tweaks here and there. Mainly, I would've liked to have seen more enemies onscreen. Healing items are also a little too rare. There have been a few occasions where I'd end up dead because I had to go through a long stage without so much as a popsicle. Maybe the issue is that they're not rare but the distribution of them isn't quite right, like they only seem to appear when I don't need them. It's an odd complaint I know, but one that kept coming to mind. Otherwise, what you see is what you get. Juggling hapless baddies with a SOR3-styled special move system is pretty cool. The three playable characters are nice and distinct. Meiga Holstaur - the uh... "cowgirl dressed as a luchadore" - is the only one strong enough to lift the heaviest objects. Pick her if you want to swing girders around Undercover Cops style (this game loves referencing other beatemups). Horniness rating is a 6 out of 10. Nothing explicit, but half the pick-ups are panties. 

Maken Shao

Atlus brings their Dreamcast FPS (first-person-slasher) to the Playstation 2 and makes it 3rd person. I tried to be patient with this one, but its camerawork is ludicrous, and the level-design is embarrassing. One stage is just a large open area with 9 exploding dogs sitting in front of 9 crates. Another stage plants machine-gunning enemies at the end of narrow hallways. Players will also be making frequent trips to Moscow to grind experience for the characters that they've psy-jacked. The repetition sets in quickly, especially in those rare situations you have to use a shoddy character to access an area or boss. There are some QOL features like mid-stage saves, but everything else has aged like milk. Oh, and the translation is barely coherent. NO

Dragon Egg!

If you want a quick & easy adventure, then this is it. You might struggle for a moment trying to beat up the bad guys with an egg, but everything changes once it hatches and you're piloting a grown-up dragon. Power your winged buddy up with fiery homing projectiles and cruise through the remainder of this romp in 10 or 15 minutes. I can't say that this was ever unpleasant, but there's hardly any reason to come back after thoroughly stomping everything. 

Junkoid

This is an incredible romhack of the original Metroid, likely the greatest next to Rogue Dawn. The level-design and atmosphere are astonishing. However, you saw firsthand how much I struggled with saying anything of value about Super Junkoid, and the same applies to its predecessor. You have to experience it for yourself.