If you're here to read my nuanced (or nonsense) thoughts about the SNK arcade classic Athena, then you'll be waiting a bit longer. The topic of the day is the Famicom port by Micronics. It is, as you probably already know, a shithouse full of shit sandwiches. Look, I'm not going to complain too much, because I went into this with negative expectations. Athena NES is one of the most infamous games on the venerable 8-bit platform, and it doesn't take more than a few seconds of playing to understand why. The music is tortuous ear-splitting mayhem. Controlling the Goddess of Wisdom is an experience so inscrutable that it feels like a meta-commentary. Oh, and the whole fucking thing runs like it's about to melt and explode at the same time. I've cussed three times in a single paragraph! That is the state I am in right now!
I don't believe a normal review with paragraphs or whatever can do justice to this monstrosity. Instead, I'm going to post pictures, then explain what's going on and why it sucks. I've never considered myself much of a wordsmith anyway; more an idiot who wastes his time chasing jet-powered unicorns. Besides, if I thought there was anything here worth defending, I'd put a little effort towards weaving an enchanting narrative. There really truly sincerely isn't a single iota of value here. A good story requires suspense; a task made impossible when I've already given everything away.
Ready? Let's get on with this bullshit.
In a display of incompetence most stunning, Micronics botched the jump. The first time you press the jump button, Athena does a short hop. The next two button presses, provided they occur a second apart from each other at most, cause the heroine to leap high into the air. Her next jump, regardless of when you press the button, is always going to be a short hop. Was this supposed to be arcade accurate, and if so, then how the hell did SNK make any money from it? Don't answer that. Assume all questions are rhetorical. To sum it up, if you want to leap across a pit or reach a high ledge, then you have to either "prime the pump" with the first button press or make sure that your two previous jumps within the past couple seconds weren't also high jumps. I can't remember the last time I played such a deranged action-platformer.
The fantasy world that Athena inhabits is governed by laws that are unfathomable to mere mortals. Here, we see the heroine grab a bag of money. The game implies that bag is worth 500 points, but if you check the score, you'll see that's clearly not the case. Also, there isn't an invisible digit like in that one kusoge Famicom RPG. 100-point bags of yen are also worth 50. For a game that awards 1ups when certain score thresholds are reached, this is kind of a problem. Then again, I can't imagine anyone spending enough serious time with the port for it to matter. But hey, we'll throw it on the pile.
Anyone who dares to attempt the game is going to eventually hit the roadblock that is the fifth boss. How do you defeat it? Not with a huge sword that's coated in flames, apparently. It doesn't matter if Athena is swinging a sword, a hammer, a ball & chain, or anything else, because none of those weapons are going to work. She needs the bow & arrow. How could you, the player, ever guess? It's not as if there was a single hint. Swear on my everything, it's as if this game tried to mash together Tower of Druaga and Ghosts n' Goblins, ethics be damned. Forcing the player to give up a life, and possibly start from the beginning, over something so inane is extremely rude game-design. It certainly doesn't help that the bow is entirely useless outside of the fifth boss. Picking it up any other time is consigning our hapless heroine to the grim reaper.
Since Ghosts n' Goblins has been brought up, I have to mention that there exists at least one person in the entire universe who thought that having useless weapons drop in the player's path was a good idea. Who knows why they were allowed to get into game programming, but maybe there's an actual reason and I just don't care to find out. In all seriousness. Athena NES's penchant for attempting to drown its players in useless weaponry has to be pointed out, because it leads to situations like the above. Athena's blue sword isn't capable of destroying bricks. It's impossible to walk back and locate a hammer or a stronger sword. Given the circumstances, all one can do is wait for the timer to run out and give the stage another shot. I'm going to assume anyone who got this far decided enough was enough and dropped the game entirely. Even in 1987 there were tons of better choices out there.
Here's a fun glitch. When Athena is struck by an enemy or projectile, she's thrown backwards a little bit. There isn't any sort of invulnerability period after taking damage, but it's supposed to be balanced out by a lengthy health meter and armor. I say supposed to because there's always a possibility of getting juggled into oblivion by a flying head or some projectiles. Venomous creatures can also cause poison, which is not easily cured when antidotes are only found in the walls. Point is, it's easy to die. If, for reasons that are best left unexplained, you want to see Athena die even faster, then hold down. Crouch, eat an arrow, and watch that health meter go from nearly full to totally dead in less than two seconds. If you're quick enough, you can let go of the d-pad and only lose a portion of health. No doubt there's a technical explanation, and I'd like to hear about it.
Here's another issue that might actually be in the arcade game. I can't imagine why though because it's fucking terrible. Stages tend to have multiple paths, and reaching the boss isn't always just a matter of running from left to right for long enough. That's all well and good, but what isn't good is that there are some holes that dump Athena back to the beginning of the stage, sans her weapon and armor. This particular instance - stage 2 for crying out loud - is outrageous because falling in-between those platforms is surprisingly easy. You have to bash those blocks above Athena before making the jump, or else she bumps her head and OOPS! This feels like one of those joke games where every gag is directed at the player. One other thing: If Athena is carrying a "K", then she doesn't lose her equipment after dying or falling into the wrong pit. I can't understand why something that doesn't kill her would have such a high cost attached to it.
Since the fifth boss is immune to everything except the bow, you'd think the developer would be courteous enough to place one near the boss. Instead, pretty much all of the bows drop in the first half of the stage. Also, there's a rock wall 2/3rds of the way through prevents the player from carrying anything except a good sword or hammer. In a move that's just plain despicable, the only bow that can be obtained is indicated by the red circle. However! If I grab the bow right now, then I can't break through this wall to reach the boss! What I should've done is break the block underneath first, creating a hole for both bow and goddess to fall through. Since I didn't do that, there's a pretty good chance the bow will disappear before I can collect it. Mercifully (?), there's an easy 1up a few screens back, which makes up for the forced loss of life. The stage still has to be replayed, and if Athena dies again because she has no armor, then oh well. That's the price for playing a Micronics game.
World of Hell is exactly what you'd expect. I didn't mention it earlier, but swimming stages have these fishmen that drop magic wands when they die. Wands fire projectiles and don't have any melee capabilities whatsoever. In other words, Athena can have three monsters right on top of her and- okay those are not the other words I should've used. Let me just say that fishmen drop weapons that are implicitly designed to screw the player over. Funnily enough, just being down here means they're shit out of luck. All that happens if someone manages to reach the end of the swimming section is they get to try the stage again, because they were never supposed to fall into a pit in the first place! World of Hell is first and foremost a platforming stage. Feel free to ponder how that could work in a game that's already miserable to play.
I'm at the point now where nothing should surprise me, but this teleporting boss is trying their best. The circle in the first screen indicates that the boss - or at least its hitbox - has appeared, so for a split-second or so, Athena is taking damage from an invisible enemy. Yeesh.
If there's anything else, I'll be sure to show it to ya'll.
Until then, take it away, Yuko.
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| "Oh my God." |
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