Genesis look - Castlevania: Bloodlines

My initial plan for talking about this game was to discuss everything that makes it different from other Castlevanias. Thing is though is that none of it actually matters. It's just as much a Castlevania as any other title in the classic series so the main point should be what makes this entry special. One of the nice things about this franchise is that even the early games made an effort to stray from would-be conventions at every opportunity. Back in March I suffered some serious burn-out playing through the Megaman games as they're so similar to one another.

Bloodlines follows the tale of John Morris and his good buddy Eric Lecarde. It seems some crazy woman decided to resurrect Dracula and it's up to our heroes to put her and the good Count to rest for awhile (though not for too long as Jonathon Morris takes up the whip in Portrait of Ruin). Rather than the game taking place in Drac's Castle and immediate surroundings there's a bit of country-trotting with each stage taking place in a different part of Europe. It's a nice twist as it gives the developer an excuse to come up with some unique level-designs.

The entire game is a rather cool mix of ultra-traditional Castlevania 1/Chronicles level-design and Super Castlevania 4's gimmick setups for the heck of it. Each section of the game tends to have something unique about it and is bolstered by the enemy placement and proper usage of fiends such as medusa-heads to keep things challenging. It's a great balance and the controls center more around early Vania but with some nice touches like being able to jump on and off of staircases. It's kind of hard to describe but in the game you'll see thing scenarios like a room where all the sections of the screen are out of place and the player has to dodge flying heads while doing some platforming. At times it's pretty creative and since the levels are broken into many of these small sections things stay fresh if a little disjointed.

The disjointedness comes from the variable difficulty each stage seems to have. This means the curve is kind of all over the place with areas being harder or easier than others. It's probably nitpicking since not every game needs some difficulty curve as graceful as a swan's neck but it's still notable as the other games tend to be pretty methodical in their approach to difficulty. This also extends to the boss-fights and other enemy encounters as sometimes foes make an appearance just because they're expected to be there. Again it's nothing major and it serves as more fodder for Konami to throw around a bunch of different ideas.

One aspect of Bloodlines that I think is particularly interesting as to do with Eric. He has a super-jump he can perform that while it can only go straight up he can use it to find all sorts of neat minor shortcuts. While this might not be the sort of thing that is good for the Castlevania series it seemed like something that could have been a really good addition if implemented to a greater extent. Sure a lot of games are designed around this sort of thing but not relatively straight-forward action games like Castlevania. Part 3 had a number of these aspects but it also had a non-linear nature and the abilities Grant and Alucard were capable of only saw real use in the manner of making certain sections easier. The implementation in Bloodlines feels just a bit more subtle and it recalls times during the Metroid games where there would be this power-up for reaching some areas but creative uses for it were to discovered that led to other areas being reached more quickly or by using different routes. It's that sort of game-design where tools are handed to the player with the vaguest of directions that really make for some fascinating games.

I guess it's all for naught at this point as the Castlevania series split into two different directions but eh for what its worth Bloodlines offers a good time and certainly more than enough differences from whatever traditions the series has to make it worthwhile even today.

Game Rating - 4 out of 5
Like I said the game's difficulty balance is a bit off as it can work with or against the player as they progress. The game is still fairly difficult regardless and settings such as Expert add enough to make this game just as solid as any other Vania. I gotta say though that the limited continues was just a dumb idea. Sometimes certain difficult spots have to be tried over and over again and having to ration lives is just annoying. I also don't understand the attempts at developing a scoring model when there's a very easy section in stage 5 where one can rack up some infinite number of points (especially since unlike most early games this one has no time-limit).

My Rating - 4.5 out of 5
I'm quite fond of the game and favor the variable difficulty as it means I see more of the game on a relatively casual play-through. Otherwise I enjoy the slightly more visceral feel this game seems to have over other entries. Attacks carry a little bit more punch and destroying enemies is ever so slightly more satisfying. I still don't understand why Konami never put this game on the Virtual Console. It's such a tremendous waste.

Yeesh what the heck happened?

I'm finally getting some decent internet access within the next couple days(hopefully in time for Guwange XBLA) so hopefully I'll be able to start rolling out the updates with some consistency.

Oh yeah more games bought:

Urban Chaos: Riot Response - An FPS from the guys behind Batman: Arkham Asylum? Sure why not.

Metal Gear Ac!d 2 - I thought I'd give one of these a whirl eventually. It basically plays like an MGS game except turn-based and you choose your next move via a deck of cards. I've never been much for card-games so it'll take awhile for me to get into this one.

Etrian Odyssey 3 - I wasn't the biggest fan of the second one but when has that ever stopped me from buying any other game? Oh and I'm a few hours in and already getting whipped multiple times over.

Singstar: ABBA - I was wandering around Gamestop and boom a set of Singstar mics for $10. I immediately snagged this for another $10 because I love ABBA. It's uh kind of punishing I gotta admit. I have a bit of a problem with my pitch when I sing so my ratings have been terribad on every song (though I got a "hopeful" rating for Does Your Mother Know..hmm.

X360 Look - Fallout: New Vegas

One of the great tragedies of being human is that prospering is never enough. Rather than settle for mere survival the seeking of power defines far too many of our kind, bringing ourselves to extend beyond our means. Eventually we go to war, many of us die, and the remnants re-align their borders, draw up charts, and prepare for war again. Somehow through this bitter cycle we continue to survive. The Fallout series tells the tales of how even the end of the world doesn’t change our way of life. In New Vegas the player find themselves at one of these critical points, where their decisions will ultimately decide the balance of power…for at least awhile.

In this game the player is known as The Courier, a man (or woman) who was put in the grave over an innocuous platinum chip. From the simple town of Goodsprings the player finds their way back to New Vegas for answers, though there are more than enough ways to get side-tracked, as there are over a hundred locations to visit and many quests to take on. Most of these quests can also be influenced by the player’s karma as well as the faction they wish to gain favor with. This time it isn’t enough to do good deeds or satisfy selfish desires, now the player can also do quests for a number of factions located throughout New Vegas.

The New California Republic is the sole military presence in New Vegas, with their main goal in protecting the Hoover Dam and surrounding lands from the Legion. The Legion enjoys reveling in Greco-Roman pretention, slavery, and pretty much everything that is generally considered evil. There are a number of minor factions that still carry some influence as well. The Brotherhood of Steel is in hiding but still tech-hungry and ran by knob-heads. The Boomers are a threat provided they never run out of ammo. There are also the Great Khans who like to sell drugs and live in trailers. The player has something to gain from assisting these and other factions but it doesn’t seem to work out the way it should.

While I would have preferred not to discuss this unfortunate aspect it is something that can not be ignored. This game is a bit of a mess. In the past I thought I could get all of that talk out of my system as every other reviewer discussed it at length. New Vegas has so many brilliantly inept glitches that I really have to say something about it or I can’t say I wrote a complete review. Take the faction system for example. At many points I had just met a new faction when they decided to idolize me. My sole contribution to their society may have been knocking the head off one of their leaders with a giant hammer but whatever I guess that’s not really important. I’ve also had frequent issues just trying to maintain some sort of presence in other factions despite doing tons of missions for them.

Moving on for someone who poured over a hundred hours into Fallout 3 this game feels much too familiar. Aside from the aforementioned faction system there are other new elements like additional ammo types which are all tend to be superfluous, a hardcore mode that turns eating, drinking, and sleeping into a chore, and many revamps in terms of skill and level progression. This part of the game is something that annoys me the most. Obsidian really didn’t put any thought into developing clever or even really useful perks. Sure it’s balanced far better than Fallout 3’s “get practically unlimited points in VATS” but most of the time the useful bonuses end up being stuff like an extra 10% of damage or something along those lines. I’d rather see those rewards being doled out for completing quests as well as getting some really neat perks through leveling that really change how I play the game. At the very least someone could have dumped those terribly useless perks that let me access locks I may have jammed or computer terminals I goofed up on.

Furthermore for all of the work Obsidian did to balance the skill system they forgot to extend that same effort towards encounters. Being able to fight more enemies at a time makes things a bit more entertaining but when the fights themselves involve creatures like Cazadors, Death-claws, or anyone that is heavily-armored and using some high-powered melee weapon it all becomes very one-dimensional. Basically the solution in these fights is to use a high-powered sniper rifle as it’s the only way to effectively punch through armor. Using most anything else may as well be suicide as the player will be surrounded and slaughtered. These battles represent the most numerous when wandering around as well as some of the most critical. Considering the options available in a post-apocalyptic environment I’d like to think being bum-rushed by half a dozen guys with advanced fisting-technology is not in anyway clever.

The partners have been revamped for this installment as they’re easier to work with and don’t die when they lose all their health (instead they fall asleep for the remainder of the fight). It’s a shame that on hardcore they actually do get killed but eh that just saves me the trouble of spending any real time on that mode. In the end all that means is more time spent sitting in front of a loading screen. It’d be somewhat different if the partners didn’t crumble like crackers whenever they got punched. These companions tend to come with their own quests if you annoy them enough but the rewards don’t seem to help all that much. At one point my partner got upgraded weapons but after awhile it decided to stop shooting things altogether. That was probably another bug though so oh well.

Still there is satisfaction in killing as the fleshier foes tend to go down easily. However the mechanics still aren’t very sound as many weapons still lack the punch that they deserve. At times a head will fly off not because I blasted it with a riot shotgun but because it got tired of the body it was stuck to. Then again maybe it’s just inconsistent as my favorite weapon is a sledgehammer that goes by the name of “Oh Baby!” This fine weapon has a habit of sending things flying very far. Couple this with a perk where a Vegas Dancer randomly appears to inexplicably throw people farther than any rifle could send them and well who cares if it makes sense I love it. Towards the end of my play-through I got sick of performing fetch-quests and merely smashed everyone’s heads in until my superiors got sick of it and shoved me off to complete the final tasks.

The writing is a fair bit better than the previous Fallout game. At times it can also be as clever as the likes of Fallout 2. Still I think that game knew how to pace itself as New Vegas just tends to be far too talkative. It seems that more often than not I find myself trudging back and forth dealing with objectives that border on the inane. If the reward was something besides experience and money it would potentially at least be worthwhile but usually what it comes down to is that I should just feel satisfied knowing that I got the “full story”. Yeah I may not be one to talk but all I see is a story about a bunch of people that are full of themselves. Still somewhere in the hundred or so locations and the approximately same number of quests there are a few nuggets of gold as far as the writing is concerned and almost every cave no matter how meaningless-sounding might just hold a unique weapon that’s totally worth the trouble. The main story could stand at least some condensing. Essentially the last few quests involve dealing with neighboring factions in any number of ways and that’s about when I went with the hammer-smacking. Sure I may have missed out on some great bit of wisdom or some funny joke but eh it’s just not worth the trouble.

The most disappointing aspect is how there’s hardly any new toys to play around with. I’m talking things such as weapons and armor. There are a few more clothing options and I’m especially fond of the prostitute outfit with the pasties but in terms of stuff that helps me kill there’s not much of anything new. Okay maybe there’s some new rifles and some new types of armor but even the poster-boy armor (y’know that guy on the cover of the game?) is so rare that I didn’t get a set until the very last moment of the game. I hear other players had better luck but come on. The weapons are even more disappointing as I’m still messing around with stuff like the Sniper Rifle, the Gauss Rifle, and they’re all just boring. Even the newer additions are merely weapons from Fallout 2 which really lessens the impact of finding them.

How can I ever forget about the bugs either? Sure there are enough of those in the form of mantises and cazadors but throughout the entire game I feel that I am under the constant eye of millions of bugs. They sit there in-between the seams of the game, waiting for the right moment to strike and cost me un-told seconds of game-time. Yeah sorry I’m not the type willing to put myself at risk by not saving every few minutes. I’ve done all sorts of fun things like fall inside of rocks, become unable to jump off of cliffs no matter their height, and enjoy the countless moments of Havok doing what it does best, spazzing out. This is all minor stuff as I’m sure there have been other bugs that have kept me from getting whatever truly wonderful rewards that came from being idolized by a faction. At times I wished that I had actually gotten hit with the save-corruption bug as at least then I could quit the game. Sure Obsidian has been rolling out the patches but seriously, this is the sort of stuff that should have been squashed before the game even shipped.

Still what it all comes down to is that I like the game. No really at times I can overlook the wealth of issues and waste the days away in the Wasteland. I haven’t quite pinned down what that says about me and my interests but since I’ve always been a fan of level-ups and finding neat stuff I guess it’s natural. There are also those moments where it feels like the writers aren’t trying too hard and it leads to some surprising and wonderful discoveries. These are few and far between but they serve the purpose of keeping me interested in those times where I’m sure I could play other games for my leveling and looting fix. It’s still a waste of money in its current state. My recommendation is that anyone interested in this game should just wait for the Game of The Year edition. I’m not quite sure how New Vegas will achieve that with the reviews it has been getting but eh I’m sure it’ll work out somehow.

Game Rating – 1 out of 5

Originally the plan was to give this game a zero which stands for “not even a game” but New Vegas is at least competent in just enough areas to slide on over. Still it’s all buried under a surplus of issues and I avoid pushing the game whenever possible as I feel it’ll just fall over and break.

My Rating – 3 out of 5

No matter how broken a game is it’s all rendered irrelevant depending on my enjoyment of it. Aside from the obvious stuff like hitting people over the head and raising hell whenever possible I have a fondness for dressing in strange outfits and dumping corpses into swimming pools. Sometimes I get drunk and stuff a plasma grenade in the face of anyone who mouths off of me. Then I limp off with two broken legs, take a nap on bit of cardboard, and resume my antics as fresh as a spring breeze. I’m not sure what this all has to do about the unchanging of War and survival but maybe I’ll just ask the opinion of the headless corpse I’ve been wandering around the Mojave with for the past several weeks.

Fallout: New Vegas....sigh...

I'm still working on my review for this game but at this moment I want to air a bit of dirty laundry out. I'm pissed because I felt like I just wasted $60. I want to address some things now because if I don't my review is probably going to be full of stupid comments like "This game is a system-seller! It'll make you sell your system after playing it." As of this writing Obsidian has already started rolling out patches for both the PC and console versions which is sorely needed. In fact until things start getting straightened out I can't even call New Vegas a game.

"Not even a game" is about the worst thing I'll ever say about...well...a game. The writing is good and the general atmosphere runs anywhere from decent to great but all it really is right now is an interactive experience that I'm almost afraid to push. I've had my game freeze around four or five times so far, I've missed out on entire quest-lines because I accidentally triggered some flag or bumped into the wrong person at the wrong time. There are also all of these moments where something is stuck in a wall or generally just in a place it shouldn't be. At every turn there's a chance that the business that is game design will be completely exposed.

In its current state New Vegas is an experiment. There's a lot of ideas going on here and most of them are really good but most of them are barely fleshed out to the point of actually working. This game adds a faction system where doing quests for certain groups of people will improve relations. Apparently due to my nasty habit of gunning people down after letting them go I've somehow reset standings with certain factions multiple times. It's to the point where at some moments it's like I never even heard of the guys even though I just blew away some former members or got rid of somebody hassling them. It seems to me that the only way I'll successfully complete some missions is if I go about them in the most arbitrary manner possible and constantly save/reload if something falls remotely out of place.

Why am I always saving and loading anyway? It's actually believable that I have spent 1/4th of my time in New Vegas staring at a loading screen. It's probably because I'm so afraid that something is going to go wrong that I can't go without making sure all of my saves are in order. I'm rolling with a couple of partners at the moment and them being unable to die on the regular difficulties is a godsend. There is one partner who just hangs back and shoots anything that he can see. He's fantastic, probably too fantastic really. Compared to say this woman I have who rushes into everything and gets knocked out in seconds. This makes the hardcore mode a serious turn-off because all it really leads to is more loading screens.

Sure the whole constant save/load deal is pretty understandable as I've been doing it in PC-RPGs for as long as I can remember but New Vegas really takes it to absurd levels. There are never any real consequences, there isn't any challenge, and there just isn't any reason to do it any other way. I could save in-between every single battle in Baldur's Gate 2 but I'd still feel challenged coming up with different tactics to take down whatever I'm fighting. In New Vegas if I die it's mostly because I turned a corner and ran into a big group of killer flies. From there my option is to just find another corner to turn.

Which leads to the combat. It's funny really because for all I knocked Fallout 3 for its dumbed-down combat New Vegas is even worse in this regard. This is partially because the AI is a quite a bit worse as they will frequently find themselves doing things besides attempting to kill me. The game also throws in all of these new features like different types of ammo, weapon-mods, and well nevermind that stuff isn't actually new is it? It doesn't matter anyway because it's just unnecessary fluff. Besides if I mod the wrong weapon I might screw the game up somehow. Anyway it's nothing to worry about. There are more enemies in battle and some even hit a bit harder but they're about as durable as tissue paper. Besides I'm teamed up with a guy who blows people's heads off for just being in the same time-zone as him, there's really nothing to worry about.

The worst part is I'm still not done yet. The dungeons in this game tend to be overly convoluted and unnecessarily cluttered. I was hoping this new game would get away from the narrow enemy-filled hallways in Fallout 3 but nope it's more of the same. Sometimes instead of enemy-filled hallways there are enemy-filled encampments. These are more entertaining at least because I get to be outside. What's even more entertaining is when my partner kills baddies without me having to do a thing. That way I can focus on the important stuff like gathering experience and organizing my inventory.

Honestly New Vegas would have been better off without all of that icky combat nonsense. I could just wander the Wastes, look at all the cool sights, solve all of my quests through diplomacy, and maybe find some neat clothes to wear. As it stands however the combat is mostly boring and rarely intolerable. That all depends on whether or not I'm fighting Deathclaws and Giant death-flies or anything else.

Still I am enjoying the game. It sort of reminds me of Shenmue 2 where there are these huge buildings with like thirty floors and hundreds of rooms inside. Every little room I go into has something different about it. Yes, sadly enough my little bizarre interest is about all this game has going for it. Well at least I'm not following Daddy around trying to save the world.

And well here's just some junk I thought up. I'll think up some more while playing New Vegas. There's still some things I want to do before I get back to really finishing the review.

-How the heck do you fast-travel when you have two broken legs?
-While I'm at it: I shot a crippled guy in the leg, crippled his leg with a critical hit, and he ran away.
-Whenever an object falls through the ground and disappears that's the Earth's magnetic core at work. Post-Apocalyptia is strange like that.
-Stealing from robbers, rapists, and murderers makes you a bad person. Don't ever forget that.
-Leading an old lady to get her head blown off by a sniper makes you a good person. Definitely don't ever forget that.
-Sometimes items you're supposed to take are marked as stolen anyway. Well..it's not like karma was ever important.
-Digging up somebody's grave and taking their stuff is not evil in any way. It might have been evil before but times are more desperate than ever I suppose.
-If you betray someone or think you may have betrayed someone, don't worry about it, New Vegas will probably forget the whole thing.
-If all else fails replace substance with pretension. Most people can't tell the difference and if they do feel free to tell them they don't understand.
-The person who designed Fort McCracken should be drawn, quartered, shot, shot out of a cannon, shot into a cannon, and then flayed alive.
-The guy who designed Hoover Dam deserves even worse.

Fallout: New Vegas is mine

Yeah I have it and am too busy playing it to talk about it...much

-It's tough..definitely tougher than Fallout 3.
-Looks the same. It looks a bit better but still..looks the same.
-Haven't hit any bugs yet. Okay I've hit a lot of bugs but those are of the mutant variety. I did see a radscorpion stuck in the ground which counts I guess.
-There's all this new stuff about differing factions and multiple grades of ammo. I'm not sure if all this is necessary but once I stop getting pounded by giant scorpions I'll delve into it.
-Hey a hardcore mode. I was whining about the un-hardcoreness of Fallout 3 and look what Obsidian does. Now I actually gotta eat, drink, and get plenty of sleep? By God they made poor Jenna into a human. I'm not messing with that mode just yet howevs.

Oh and I also bought Etrian Odyssey 3 because I am easily wooed by the combination of store credit and used games. I'll get to that one eventually.

PS1 Look - Castlevania Chronicles

Once again Konami saw it fit to revisit that fateful day when a guy named Simon decided to do something about a guy named Dracula. While Super Castlevania IV may have been a re-imagining this Castlevania is more of an actual remake. The stage-designs are several times more familiar, a handful of boss-fights from the first game make their return(with changes of course), and thanks to some changes in mechanics the bosses are also no longer suckers for holy water. Originally this game was available on a PC nobody owned but we got a port in the form of Castlevania Chronicles. The original version is included along with a remake where Simon has gotten a sort of glam-rock makeover and the addition of difficulty settings.

The original game is hard not simply because of the enemies and traps but Konami really took that extra step towards being total jerks. To start with those days of chicken and pot roast buffets from Castlevania 4 are over. The meat locations are very few and far between and as a bonus the wall that contained the very first pot roast you can find – in stage 1-2 just before meeting the Mermen – is now filled with an infinite supply of fleamen. This sort of treatment continues as starting about half-way through the game Simon can be wiped out in as little as four hits. Still it’s not all bad since if you’re really lucky you’ll stumble upon herbs that can be used as a subweapon. For a measly 10 hearts it just might save your life, provided you don’t get dumped in a pit by the next creature you run into it and lose everything.

It doesn’t stop there as the enemies are always placed in spots where they are a threat. A bat can be waiting after almost every jump, medusa-heads are abundant in just the wrong places, bone-tossing skeletons are always seemingly out of reach, and a handful of monsters exclusive to this edition really have it out for the Vampire Killer. One particularly nasty section involves a vertical shaft filled with tiny evil clowns, frustrating flying dolls, and chests that contain deadly bats and balloons (!?). This section also gives the player the finger for attempting to grab a much-needed pot-roast as more than likely they’ll just fall to the bottom as the food disappears. This is important because enemies also respawn off-screen.

With this entry it’s pretty clear that Konami has done all they want to do with the original game. Part 4 was different and that’s all good in itself but with this version it’s all about returning to the challenge that was missing. Still this is likely to be too much for even the Castlevania fans so the remake added difficulty settings. These are rather clever as while they cover the basic stuff like enemies doing less damage, they also allow for Simon to not go flying backwards every-time he takes a hit. The reasoning here is obvious as instead of sailing into pits Simon will just sail straight up for a bit before making a safe-landing. The fact that Simon can take less damage suddenly makes this game quite a bit more manageable. It’s still rough even on the easy setting however or at least it is for me because I still sort of suck at these games.

It’s all good though and certainly more than worth the measly $6 it goes for on the Playstation Network. There’s really nothing bad I can say about this game as it is about as good as the original Castlevania can get.

Game Rating – 5 stars out of 5

Really I’m not sure what I can say here. The controls are flawless, the presentation is great, the level design is both fresh and familiar, and it’ll keep any Castlevania playing for quite awhile.

My Rating – 4 stars out of 5

Whoa now that doesn’t mean I have to absolutely love it either. I think it’s great and all but throw me a bone here (ok strike that, I’ve seen enough flying bones in a life-time). I was not really a fan of the original and this version doesn’t do quite enough to differentiate itself. Plus the sub-weapons feel kind of useless (since they aren’t abusable on bosses). It could just be I’m getting tired of the formula which is to be expected since I’m playing a bunch of games that are similar to one another but uhh… whatever it’s just a score dammit.

PS1 Look - Gunners Heaven

If you’ve ever wondered why it can take so long for me to write a review I can sum it all up in one word: Inspiration. Whenever I wake up to start a new day I spend the first fifteen minutes or so looking for this inspiration. If I don’t find it I don’t write reviews that day. Since you’re reading a review right now I guess I’ll tell you what inspired me to write it. This review was brought to you today by my own two eyes.

At one point or another within the first fifteen minutes of my day I’ll sit and stare at a mirror for about a minute or two. Aside from lamenting the effects of a life-time of sleep deprivation and videogames when I look into my eyes I start believing that one is slightly larger than the other. Sure humans aren’t required to be perfectly symmetrical but this is still cause for concern to me. It must be something that either only I can see or not only can I see it but everyone else I’ve ever met can see it as well. Do I go around asking them if one of my eyes is bigger than the other? I guess I could but it’s possible their response will merely be something that I want to hear, as in “yes one of your eyes is bigger than the other” or “no your eyes are equal in size”. I think the only way I’d get an answer I believe is if they stared into my eyes for at least one minute of every day.

Gunners Heaven if you can believe it is a lot like my predicament. This run & gun shooter is permanently trapped under the shadow of its inspiration Gunstar Heroes. While preparing for this review I started seeing both of these games as my eyes. There is definitely something off about one of them and things are already looking bad for Gunners Heaven when I’m already comparing it to another title.

A good game should always stand on its own merits and on the surface Gunners Heaven seems to do just that. It is six stages of shooting, exploding, and many boss-fights for only 600 yen off of the Japanese Playstation Network. It’s a good value and could last anywhere from forty-five minutes to however long it takes to completely master the game. The controls are solid, the graphics are serviceable, and all in all it is perfectly functional. Unfortunately I think of it as my “off” eye. This is the one that’s either smaller or larger and in comparison to the other eye is also remarkably inferior.

To start with for a game that takes itself after Gunstar Heroes, Gunners Heaven makes little effort in terms of creativity. While Heroes was not a flawless game it had different ideas for its many boss encounters that made all of them unique and interesting, even if they’re not always challenging or even fun. Heaven on the other hand does none of these things and puts out uninspired and bland boss battles that take too long to destroy, offer no sense of accomplishment, and don’t even have interesting attacks or movement patterns to set them apart.

The sections that are in-between bosses aren’t any better as whatever good idea the developers had ends up getting repeated several times. This means if there’s a particular enemy that seems in anyway different than the one that came before it’ll be seen again and again without so much as a change in frequency or other factor that might make them more difficult. This style of level-design goes far beyond repetitive and becomes mind-numbing. The appeal of holding right and holding the fire-button down loses its appeal before the first boss of the first stage and this game’s attempts at providing variety only bring the game down further.

Both playable characters offer their own set of selectable weapons and have the ability to jump, slide, and even use a grappling hook. The grappling hook is one of those gimmicks that gets used for a few fights but is otherwise irrelevant. The slide is sort of in the same boat but at least every now and again some enemy feels the need to throw out an attack that can only slid under. I guess I lost the coin-toss or the game is trying to say something but the character I chose is weak. Usually women in videogames are known to wear tiny outfits and kick ass but somehow I got stuck with someone who would be better off getting captured or offering to bake Mario a cake. All of her weapons offer no punch and have that plink-plink effect as they slowly whittle away the boss’s life. There is some strategy in using the right weapons for the right situation but there’s nothing to alleviate the fact that the heroine absolutely sucks. I guess I should start again with the hero but…why?

Opinion of the matter here is that I don’t think the game is fun at all. Maybe I’ll kill bosses more quickly if I use the other character but it won’t make them fun to fight. I could also probably pay less attention to what I’m doing as I run forward and hold the button down but there’s no point. This is all because the game is just too strict. It’s this Dragon’s Lair style of game design where to get past every obstacle the player must either have the reflexes to find the one spot that is safe or already know what’s going to happen. In a way a 2D shooter like R-Type has a similar style but it has many effective ways of preparing the player for situations that will occur. This game does nothing of the sort as despite having a fairly lengthy health meter I find myself repeating sections solely because there was no way I’d know I was supposed to stand there at that moment for an attack that wasn’t quite clear of.

Worst of all there is something that feels “off” about this game. This is one of those admittedly nebulous details that points out whether or not the developer has got “it”. It’s clear from what I see that Media-Vision does not have it and that’s why they went on to do RPGs. The placement of enemies in various stages is such that if they were shifted slightly to the left, a little in the other direction, and maybe a little downward as well, they’d be just a bit more entertaining to destroy. Gunners Heaven is most likely just a series of adjustments away from being a good yet uninspired game yet as it is there’s really nothing that makes it worth playing.

Even the comparison to Gunstar Heroes seems a bit unfair. I’ve been playing Gunstar Heroes for over fifteen years and Gunners Heaven for less than six months. Obviously that time spent isn’t in literal terms, which makes it all the more inexplicable. It could just be that I’m giving Heroes the nostalgia-pass while Heaven despite coming out only a few years later gets stuck. Then again if you the reader feel that I have slighted Heaven unfairly than please let me know. However would you just tell me what I want to hear or would you have come to this conclusion through many hours of playing both titles back-to-back?

Really I should have avoided this direct-comparison entirely. It may just be that since I started staring at my eyes so recently that I have already picked one of them as inferior. It’s also possible that I could have compared my eyes to those of others but that would have been a fruitless affair. In fact if it wasn’t for all this I would have simply written Gunners Heaven off and given it some throwaway write-up in the back of this blog.

Game Rating – 1.5 out of 5 stars

This game gets a star and a half for competency but there’s really nothing else worth talking about.

My Rating – 1 out of 5 stars

Despite all of my complaints and my completely dislike of the game it is still important as it serves its place in my eyes. I really can’t do without it even though I most likely would have been better off not knowing of its existence. Maybe it’s just me as I can’t even tell which eye is supposed to be the inferior one.