I don't like Lady Sia. Yes, it's a splendid-looking game with great animation, but considering this blog ran for almost a decade without one screenshot, you can probably guess I don't care that much about visuals. Shoot. I vaguely recall peppering my earliest reviews with hypotheticals such as "Would this game still be good if everything was stick-figures and blocks? Let's find out..." The only reason you see screenshots now is because I was dragged kicking and screaming into the 20th century. So yeah, Lady Sia is a graphical achievement, hurray. I don't like playing it.
In order to rescue her kingdom and stop the T'soas, Sia must journey through four regions, each containing four stages, a boss, and maybe a bonus stage. Bonus stages are unlocked by acquiring 100% of the collectibles and clearing the stage with full health and magic power. Let me just say right now that I didn't even attempt this challenge. My tolerance for messy controls and ridiculous boxes barely survived the hour-and-a-half the any% playthrough would take. "Boxes?" Yeah, I'm mashing hitboxes and hurtboxes together because they're both lousy. The heroine has an array of sword-swinging combos that look cool but are completely impractical. During a combo, she lunges at her opponent and takes damage. Actually, she might just get hurt before landing that first attack. So much of Lady Sia is spent taking incidental contact-damage that I'm wondering if I was too harsh on half the games I've reviewed for the 2026 Special.
Let's really dig into what's bothering the shit out of me. If I was a female protagonist with a sword and I was quicker on the attack than the soldier or monster sauntering up to me, then I should win that interaction, right? Sharp metal was swung or thrusted into exposed flesh with a reasonable amount of force. This, this is what I'd consider to be an ironclad contract. The entire reason I'm out here in plate-lingerie is because of a guarantee that getting the first strike on a vulnerable opponent actually means something. If I'm going to take damage, then it's usually because I swung towards an outstretched claw, the pointy end of a stick, a fucking bullet, whatever. In case of contact-damage, then it has to made clear that I screwed up like a total idiot asshole. Either I was facing the wrong way, forgot to swing, tried to attack with my face, or committed some other blatant disregard for my own wellbeing. However, if I act exactly as the game expects me to, yet still get punished for it, then what's the point?
Seriously, I've insulted so many games this year, even though several of them at least function well enough that my every press of the attack button isn't clouded by doubt. Lady Sia just doesn't seem concerned about getting that right. Then again, it also struggles with platforming. Even after looking past the fumbly movement, it's really odd just how inconsistent jumping onto a floating platform can be. In one stage, Sia explores an Air Kingdom. Among the many obstacles are clouds. For some mind-melting reason, clouds have a habit of latching onto the heroine's legs. Mash the jump button, and she'll fall through the cloud. I thought the game was introducing a new mechanic, but it turned out this one small section marks the clouds' only appearance. In a later stage, Sia stands atop a swinging crate. She has to constantly adjust her footing or get thrown off of the crate and into the dead lake. It's like the developers knew they had a bad idea but kept it anyway for the sake of content. There are also a couple of minecart sections, because we live in failed society.
I'll also add that there are some uniquely annoying encounters, such as the T'saos pair seen above. One holds a shield and takes a flurry of hits, while the other chucks explosive or puking jack-o' lanterns. This is maybe the one instance where Sia could perform her entire suite of unique combo moves (done by combining B & R presses). This leaves her open to an errant projectile, so... I don't know why I bother.
Throw in some obtuse bosses and button-mashing segments to create a regrettable adventure. Playing this reminds me way too much of Batman: Chaos in Gotham and some other handheld games of the late 90s & early 00s. They might look and even sound good, but playing them just isn't worth the time.
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