2026 Special - Sword of Sodan

In order to keep my brain semi-functional, I often have bad games "on standby". Basically, if it looks like it'll be a long time until I can publish another review, I grab something short & shitty off the shelf to get some practice writing in. Writing is fun but going more than a couple of days without doing any is like... oh I don't know, forgetting how to shit. That sounds awfully extreme, but surely you can imagine staring at a blank screen for what feels like an eternity, wondering if you'll ever have a cohesive thought again. If I have to take a proverbial 30-minute tumble down the stairs to get my mind to work, then so be it. 

You might also be wondering if Sword of Sodan has some hidden quality to it that only a professional idiot like yours truly could discover. No. This is wet garbage in a bag that has already burst open and strewn disgusting filth all over the living room. There is no value to it whatsoever, not even as a learning experience. Worse, it's terrible in ways that are utterly unappealing. There's no bonkers localization packed with misspellings. You can't press against a wall for five seconds and get sent flying 100,000 miles into the air. This is grime that's impossible to derive enjoyment from. 

Before jumping into hell, you have to decide whether to be the hero or heroine. The only difference between the two is that the hero sucks ass. I mean, the heroine is lousy too, but at least her hurtbox is smaller... I think. Tempting as it may be to revisit the game multiple times over and critically analyze its every aspect, I'll stick with my assumption. In any case, there are seven stages between you and a climatic encounter with a wizard. Any single one of them is a contender for worst stage to ever appear in a game, so there's a lot to look forward to.

Getting acclimated to the controls will take more time than a reasonable person is willing to give. Press right and left to shuffle forward and backwards. Anyone wishing to turn around must hold the d-pad in the direction they wish to face and press the B or C button. Since B is the jump button, it means that jumping backwards is impossible. Press C to attack. Holding up or down allows the heroine to perform an overhead slash or crouch and stab. Learn them quickly, because they'll see the most use in your adventure.

Pausing the game opens the potion menu. Well, it's not really a menu, just a hand that pops up and lets you choose which potion(s) you'd like to use. There are four different potions to collect from fresh corpses, though only four can be carried at a time. You can combine two and create a special brew. Red + Clear grants an extra life. Blue + Clear gives the heroine a temporary shield. Yellow + Red sets your sword aflame, increasing its damage temporarily. Alternatively, you can drink red potions to increase your strength or blue potions to replenish health. I admit, this system is actually solid. Keeping a Blue + Clear on hand for the obstacle courses in stages 2 and 6 might save a life. 

A thoughtful potion system and some cool warping effects are two of the three things Sword of Sodan has going for it. The third is spending stage one stabbing spearmen in the crotch... and that's it. Violence was one of this game's selling points, and you get to enact quite a lot on every member in the vicinity. However, unless you've sipped a red potion or two, you'll discover that dicks as well as the pricks they're attached to are awfully durable. However, you'll need the extra lives for later, since the game loves stealing them. 

Case in point: Stage 2. Instead of level-design, this game opts for whatever creates the most miserable experience. The entire road is filled with spear-traps. There isn't a safe place to stand, and the stiff controls ensure you'll be taking tons of damage. Predictably, enemies aren't affected by traps. If there's a plus, then it's that this is the last appearance of spearmen. They're replaced by guys-with-axes in stage 3. You'll also face giants, who can only be struck with overhead slashes. These huge jerks have a ridiculous hurtbox. Swinging at their largely unprotected legs accomplishes nothing. You have to practically jump on top of them and hope to land a hit. Speaking of, I probably should've mentioned sooner that attacking while in mid-air is impossible. Yeesh. This freakin' game...

Stage 4 marks the beginning of hate. There's just one enemy, and it's a zombie. Strike it down and it'll just form into balls of light and counterattack. 99 times out of 10, the heroine is not going to be in any position to jump these projectiles. Since they aren't "fresh corpses", zombies don't drop potions, and it's impossible to jump over the shambling assholes. Any contact whatsoever drains life, making this an entirely tedious ordeal. It's followed up with a ridiculous fifth stage, which consists entirely of giants and hidden pitfalls. The only indicator that there's a pit is a slight discoloration on the ground. This is one of those times where it's really quite easy to get stuck and lose every life. You have to be in a specific spot to hit the giant, and if that spot is a pit, then too bad. Consider it your punishment for sticking with the game for this long. 

Your respite is the beginning of stage 6. Take advantage of the flying demons to replenish all of the lives you lost in the previous nightmares. Afterwards, the heroine is tossed into an obstacle course. Jump over fireballs while avoiding crushing walls and giant spikes. This is followed up with a moving platform section, because of course. Expect to lose all of the lives you just recovered and potentially more from getting crushed, impaled, or lava-ed. It's sick. That's all it is. Whether it's insanity or save-states, you'll eventually contend with a final boss that takes far, far too many hits. 

Sword of Sodan is beyond unfun. It takes positive emotions and sets them on fire. The instant you look past large fellows getting decapitated, you're left with an abomination that plays, looks, and sounds like complete shit. Only play this if you're just like me and have made a lifetime of bad decisions.

"Oh my god."