2026 Special - The Pirates of Dark Water

Since the TV series was all but guaranteed to end prematurely, two The Pirates of Dark Water games were released on the Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo. Essentially, this side-scrolling platformer is the second part of a series-finale. Ren, Tula, and Ioz must locate the remaining six Treasures of Rule to end the Dark Dweller's reign over Mer. I say remaining six, because the SNES beatemup had its players hunting seven treasures, and there are thirteen in all. It's kind-of neat to see a show I remember enjoying get some closure. 

The Genesis game is just OK. Early on, I was tempted to go so far as to call it a perfect rental, but the more I played, the lower that rating fell. Let's be real here, "a perfect rental" is already a backhanded compliment. A game only good enough to last a weekend isn't exactly aspirational. If you're at least half as boring as I am, you could argue that a perfect rental deserves to be revisited, for at least one more weekend. That's a fair point to make. However, the point I'm already fumbling is that this rental gets a rating of "Well, at least I don't have to play Sonic The Hedgehog 1 for the millionth time." If you have to ask what a rental is, then I can only wonder how you found this blog in the first place. 

While still far shorter than the typical RPG, The Pirates of Dark Water for your blast-processing console clocks in at a meaty two or so hours. The hostile lands of Mer are divided into several stages, which are broken up further into multiple areas, all of which containing the hallmarks of the 16-bit era. You've got moving platforms, respawning enemies, items inside of breakable objects, false walls that hide 1ups, and the vaguely open-ended level-design that was in every platformer from Aero the Acrobat to Zool: Ninja of the Nth Dimension. There are some hack & slash elements as well, no doubt familiar to anyone who has played Cadash, Blades of Vengeance, Chakan: The Forever Man, and so on and etcetera. Look, it was the 1990s, and everybody was cribbing each other.

The map screen gives the vague impression that this is a "choose your destination" affair, but 90% of the time it's already been decided. Still, it provides appreciable context to the hostile lands you'll be exploring. Niddler gives an explanation of what you are to do in each location, but mostly it comes down to moving from one end of the stage to the next. Just keep in mind whenever words like keys or coins are mentioned. Keys are self-explanatory while coins are often required to get past some NPCs. The game is generally good about placing these essential items on the main path or in side-areas that are easy to locate. Each stage is also reasonable in size and scope. Most shouldn't take more than 10 minutes to complete and feature little in terms of backtracking or excessive puzzle-solving. 

Early on, this game shows a remarkable level of restraint, especially considering the rental market at the time. Fall damage is very real, but considerably less punishing than one would expect. If your chosen hero should miss a jump and fall for some time, they'll hit the ground with a sickening thud... only to respawn next to where they missed their last jump. It's seriously a wonderful feature in areas that are heavily vertical, since it means less time spent retracing steps and retrying jumps. These falls cost health, but it's hardly enough to matter. Same goes for bottom-less pits. Falling into the eternal abyss costs almost as much health as getting poked with a sword. Oh, and don't fret too much about death. Provided there are extras in stock, you'll be placed at or next to where you lost your previous life.

Since the 2026 Special is focused on the women of side-scrolling games, let's take a glance at Tula's abilities. She's an Ecomancer, which basically just means "fires a projectile spell". Ren throws daggers and Ioz has a bow, so it's just three flavors that all taste like vanilla. What makes this lady special is her somersault. Hitting the jump button a second time while in the air does a flip that moves quickly and can knock out midair enemies. It's a neat bit of movement tech, entirely optional but fun to experiment with. Don't bother using it during platforming sections though. Jumping across gaps is already a little troublesome, and trying to incorporate the somersault will result in overshooting the intended landing point.

Since I'm on the subject, I must emphasize that getting across pits and the like is more finicky than I expected. The game doesn't expect players to complete a long series of difficult jumps, but it also doesn't seem to care if something goes wrong with what should be a simple A to B leap. On average, you'll land 85% of the jumps you make. This might not be too bad early on, but that's because the penalty for a miss is a few shavings of health. Platforming becomes a serious nuisance when there's a 15% chance of instant death. 

The Pirates of Dark Water approaches difficulty in a way that I absolutely dislike. One would assume the difference between the early-game and the late-game is that the latter would feature level-design that's very complex, with more obstacles to avoid and tougher adversaries to battle. This game doesn't really adhere to such a standard. Instead, what seems to be the case is that the heroic trio gets weaker. I don't want to take away from the importance of the Dark Water, as it's the only real case of instant death in the game, and makes frequent appearances in the second half. However, I also can't ignore how enemies in the later stages do comically large amounts of damage, often enough to kill in three or four hits. It doesn't feel like enough has changed to warrant such a "dramatic" increase in difficulty. 

Yeah, even if pirates and monsters do far more damage, the game really isn't that much harder. Thorough players have likely built up a massive stack of consumables and extra lives that they never had a reason to use. Bosses are also among the weakest I've seen in the genre. Once you figure out their weird hitboxes, all you're left with are four guys who run (or jump) from one side of the screen to the other. The Dark Dweller itself is a gimmick that takes a couple of moments to figure out and is only stretched out by the copious projectile vomit and moving platforms.

I suppose my biggest complaint with this entry in The Pirates of Dark Water saga is just how repetitive it gets. Occasionally, there will be a stage that does something interesting or has a cool visual effect, but nothing significant ever seems to occur. The difference between stages mostly comes down to damage output. It's the sort of banality that crops up so often in modern games, particularly open-worlds that depend on level-scaling to retain a sense of challenge. My second biggest complaint is the music. Absolute shame when a game that looks pretty nice is accompanied by a largely mediocre soundtrack. Sonic The Hedgehog 1 is still an enjoyable listen after a million playthroughs. This? Not so much. 

One other thing, having a ton in common with every other 16-bit game but not doing nearly enough to stand out is pretty rough. I know it was the style at the time, but damn. 

"Oh my god."

Playstation 2 Look - Blood Will Tell

Throughout the years, there have been a handful of Dororo adaptations. Osamu Tezuka's manga tells the story of Hyakkimaru, a man who must destroy 48 demons to recover his stolen body parts. Along for the ride is Dororo. She befriends the samurai, using her talents as a thief and ninja to assist him in his quest. Naturally, the duo has many adventures throughout feudal Japan, often culminating in a fierce battle with one or more of the 48 fiends. Today's look is at the sole video game based on the property. Developed by Red Entertainment and published by Sega, Blood Will Tell is a remarkably solid action-adventure. I'd even go as far to argue that the critics of yesteryear might've taken it for granted. 

I can't lie; there is a growing nostalgia for the sixth generation of game consoles that I'm unable to combat. Maybe I find comfort in the familiar. Perhaps I have a fondness for the days when not everything had to be a Souls-like. It's entirely possible that I want unpolished yet ambitious gems by developers that were actually allowed to take risks. If it means having to deal with annoyances such as a less-than-ideal camera and occasionally janky platforming, then sure, lay it all on me. Well, maybe not *all* of it. I'm trying to be at least semi-selective, because my patience for another Evergrace or Eternal Ring died decades ago.

Back to the subject at hand, Blood Will Tell divides the 48-Fiend hunt into seven chapters. They're often episodic, as the samurai and thief work together to solve a mystery or prevent a catastrophe. Each chapter will contain multiple encounters with Fiends. Some are fought as part of the story while others are hiding underneath suspicious objects. Once a chapter is completed, then its free mode is made available. This allows for the heroes to freely explore, potentially unearthing Fiends they might've missed or were unable to reach. 

First-timer players might need a little time to adjust to Hyakkimaru's movement and fighting style. This is by design, since in the beginning his body is almost entirely prosthetics. He's absolutely built for combat, just lacking in strength and stability. As such, several of his attacks rely on an acrobatic form that involves lots of flips, spins, and multi-hit strikes. The slightest bit of damage will send him flying into the dirt. An introductory chapter covers the basics of combat, with everything else being "learn as you go." 

For the minions that wander each area, you'll want to focus on crowd control. A simple square, triangle combo knocks down practically anything that breathes. If enemies group up, then consider taking a step back to lure one or two of them away. Alternatively, blast them away with your arm gun or leg cannon. The lack of range in Hyakkimaru's melee attacks is a source of early game frustration, but he's mobile enough for hit & run tactics. His jumping attack in particular is going to see a lot of use. Besides the obvious benefit of knocking aerial adversaries out of the sky, it shreds tons of bosses, all without leaving the samurai opponent to counterattack.

Including the 48 fiends, there are over 50 bosses to do battle with. Red Entertainment deserves a ton of credit for being able to cram so many unique encounters into a single game. That said, there tends to be quantity over quality. Some fiends are clones with additional moves, and almost all of them are defeated using basic strategies. I can't say that I mind any of that. The flow of boss encounters reminds me heavily of Action-RPGs from the 16-bit days, just with a different perspective. Keep an eye on the boss, watch for tells, and get out of the way when they perform one of their attacks. Even though several fiends are entirely undone by jumping attack spam, I was always locked-in and enjoying myself.

In fairness, my appreciation for fiends could also be attributed to what occurs after they're slain. One of Hyakkimaru's 48 body parts is returned to him, and it always looks excruciating. Those stat-boosts and ability upgrades though. I'll be damned if they don't set my neurons alight. No matter what happens during the battle itself, there's always something to look forward to. Besides the obvious benefits like more attack power and a longer health meter, improved stats allow the samurai to flinch less when taking damage, perform more complex combo strings, and carry more life-saving medicine. By the way, acquiring a "stock" of medicine involves finding 100 green bits. They're everywhere, serving as indicators of where the protagonist should head next. Blood Will Tell leans into its "gaminess" quite a lot, and it's so endearing.

The multiple quirks that define early game combat begin to melt away as the hero recovers his stolen limbs. With an actual left leg, he can dash and recover from damage without hitting the ground. Later on, he'll get his left arm, allowing him to use both sword and sword arm at the same time. Oh damn! I completely forgot to mention that the samurai uses a sword. Early on, this doesn't matter a whole lot, since sword-arms level up with frequent usage, but there is late-game mechanic that I have to mention. Charged attacks open enemies up to a QTE combo. The longer the string, the better the potential rewards. Some of the best swords in the game are rare drops, so practice getting 20+ hit combos as often as you're able to. There's one in particular that I don't know the name of, but it makes QTE combos much easier to perform. You might want to look for it, even if you only use it once in the entire adventure.

Seeing as how I'm already forgetting things, I should take a moment to address the person I've nearly forgotten about. Dororo is the other playable character. Though the bulk of her gameplay is found in the "story mode", she's still a full-fledged heroine with unique attacks and abilities. Instead of a sword, she relies on punches, kicks, and a flying headbutt that always stuns. Her "missions" usually involve information gathering or helping others while Hyakkimaru is occupied with another task. These tend to require platforming and puzzle-solving, as well as the occasional usage of gadgets. Dororo is basically a ninja, which adds a unique flair to her side of the story. There isn't as much combat, but defeated foes will often drop HP-up hearts, which are always nice to have. 

Blood Will Tell frequently explores unique concepts with the two-person dynamic they've created. In one chapter, Hyakkimaru and Dororo move in separate directions but with the same goal in mind: defeat a fiend the size of a mountain. While the samurai contends with various fiends, the thief must avoid giant roots and falling meteors. In another instance, Dororo must enter a temple through its roof while avoiding the many demons defending it. This actually has a time-limit, and I could feel the tension building when I was down to my last minute and had just gotten knocked off of the roof. These and other missions are engaging, even if they're not always memorable. Though I'll admit that I didn't make time for the "Dororo Mode" that unlocks after completing the story. Scavenger hunts aren't really my thing and knocking over objects for treasure while a timer ticks down just doesn't seem all that appealing. 

I'm pretty sure I mentioned a less-than-ideal camera and occasionally janky platforming earlier, but yeah those are two issues that the game struggles with. I can't get too annoyed with the platforming, since falls into bottomless pits or spikes take away a sliver of health. Most camera issues occur during boss battles, and I'm willing to bet that there's a button to disengage the "boss camera" that's enabled by default. If there is, then shame on me for being a stubborn dolt. In any case, I wouldn't consider either problem to be anything serious, at least for 99% of the game.

Predictably, it's time to discuss the 1% of Blood Will Tell where everything matters and gets pretty annoying. The Final Fiend is a bit excessive. There are four phases to contend with, and each requires a little puzzle solving. Failing to do exactly what is expected results in Hyakkimaru taking damage, which adds up quickly when the few sources of healing are scattered onigiri. Don't even attempt this fight unless you have three stocks of medicine, and that "Easy QTE" sword mentioned earlier. The final phase requires players to land a 48-hit combo. A single flubbed input won't lead to game over, but it's probably the last thing you want to see after the ridiculous third phase. This is the phase where all those minor camera and platforming issues congeal into the game's lowest point. I never did figure out how to keep the boss's giant tail-hand from grabbing the samurai and tossing him into a giant laser. 

A few minutes of misery is a small price to pay for a dozen hours of fun adventure. I know I keep mentioning their name, but Red Entertainment excelled in making this game their own creation. It's got a really distinct almost retro feel. I can see why critics at the time weren't too hot on it though. Blood Will Tell was released about six months after Ninja Gaiden. I don't intend to draw comparisons when I review games, but... I get it. 3D action saw some massive leaps in the early 2000s, which leaves this feeling dated. Retro, dated, whatever. Point is, I had a good time. 

2026 Special - Sword of Sodan

In order to keep my brain semi-functional, I often have bad games "on standby". Basically, if it looks like it'll be a long time until I can publish another review, I grab something short & shitty off the shelf to get some practice writing in. Writing is fun but going more than a couple of days without doing any is like... oh I don't know, forgetting how to shit. That sounds awfully extreme, but surely you can imagine staring at a blank screen for what feels like an eternity, wondering if you'll ever have a cohesive thought again. If I have to take a proverbial 30-minute tumble down the stairs to get my mind to work, then so be it. 

You might also be wondering if Sword of Sodan has some hidden quality to it that only a professional idiot like yours truly could discover. No. This is wet garbage in a bag that has already burst open and strewn disgusting filth all over the living room. There is no value to it whatsoever, not even as a learning experience. Worse, it's terrible in ways that are utterly unappealing. There's no bonkers localization packed with misspellings. You can't press against a wall for five seconds and get sent flying 100,000 miles into the air. This is grime that's impossible to derive enjoyment from. 

Before jumping into hell, you have to decide whether to be the hero or heroine. The only difference between the two is that the hero sucks ass. I mean, the heroine is lousy too, but at least her hurtbox is smaller... I think. Tempting as it may be to revisit the game multiple times over and critically analyze its every aspect, I'll stick with my assumption. In any case, there are seven stages between you and a climatic encounter with a wizard. Any single one of them is a contender for worst stage to ever appear in a game, so there's a lot to look forward to.

Getting acclimated to the controls will take more time than a reasonable person is willing to give. Press right and left to shuffle forward and backwards. Anyone wishing to turn around must hold the d-pad in the direction they wish to face and press the B or C button. Since B is the jump button, it means that jumping backwards is impossible. Press C to attack. Holding up or down allows the heroine to perform an overhead slash or crouch and stab. Learn them quickly, because they'll see the most use in your adventure.

Pausing the game opens the potion menu. Well, it's not really a menu, just a hand that pops up and lets you choose which potion(s) you'd like to use. There are four different potions to collect from fresh corpses, though only four can be carried at a time. You can combine two and create a special brew. Red + Clear grants an extra life. Blue + Clear gives the heroine a temporary shield. Yellow + Red sets your sword aflame, increasing its damage temporarily. Alternatively, you can drink red potions to increase your strength or blue potions to replenish health. I admit, this system is actually solid. Keeping a Blue + Clear on hand for the obstacle courses in stages 2 and 6 might save a life. 

A thoughtful potion system and some cool warping effects are two of the three things Sword of Sodan has going for it. The third is spending stage one stabbing spearmen in the crotch... and that's it. Violence was one of this game's selling points, and you get to enact quite a lot on every member in the vicinity. However, unless you've sipped a red potion or two, you'll discover that dicks as well as the pricks they're attached to are awfully durable. However, you'll need the extra lives for later, since the game loves stealing them. 

Case in point: Stage 2. Instead of level-design, this game opts for whatever creates the most miserable experience. The entire road is filled with spear-traps. There isn't a safe place to stand, and the stiff controls ensure you'll be taking tons of damage. Predictably, enemies aren't affected by traps. If there's a plus, then it's that this is the last appearance of spearmen. They're replaced by guys-with-axes in stage 3. You'll also face giants, who can only be struck with overhead slashes. These huge jerks have a ridiculous hurtbox. Swinging at their largely unprotected legs accomplishes nothing. You have to practically jump on top of them and hope to land a hit. Speaking of, I probably should've mentioned sooner that attacking while in mid-air is impossible. Yeesh. This freakin' game...

Stage 4 marks the beginning of hate. There's just one enemy, and it's a zombie. Strike it down and it'll just form into balls of light and counterattack. 99 times out of 10, the heroine is not going to be in any position to jump these projectiles. Since they aren't "fresh corpses", zombies don't drop potions, and it's impossible to jump over the shambling assholes. Any contact whatsoever drains life, making this an entirely tedious ordeal. It's followed up with a ridiculous fifth stage, which consists entirely of giants and hidden pitfalls. The only indicator that there's a pit is a slight discoloration on the ground. This is one of those times where it's really quite easy to get stuck and lose every life. You have to be in a specific spot to hit the giant, and if that spot is a pit, then too bad. Consider it your punishment for sticking with the game for this long. 

Your respite is the beginning of stage 6. Take advantage of the flying demons to replenish all of the lives you lost in the previous nightmares. Afterwards, the heroine is tossed into an obstacle course. Jump over fireballs while avoiding crushing walls and giant spikes. This is followed up with a moving platform section, because of course. Expect to lose all of the lives you just recovered and potentially more from getting crushed, impaled, or lava-ed. It's sick. That's all it is. Whether it's insanity or save-states, you'll eventually contend with a final boss that takes far, far too many hits. 

Sword of Sodan is beyond unfun. It takes positive emotions and sets them on fire. The instant you look past large fellows getting decapitated, you're left with an abomination that plays, looks, and sounds like complete shit. Only play this if you're just like me and have made a lifetime of bad decisions.

"Oh my god."

Playstation 2 Look - Shining Force Neo

Looking back at my glowing review for Shining Force EXA, the thought occurred to me that perhaps I wasn't appreciative enough. Granted, it heavily reuses assets that were introduced in Neverland's previous foray into the world of Shining Force, but a good game is more than just that. It's the arrangement of those assets, the tricky balance of juggling multiple character-building currencies, and creating scenarios that keep players not just engaged but having fun. Let's be real here, engagement and entertainment are very different from each other. Engagement is the sunk cost fallacy. Continuing to invest all of one's time and resources into something that brings them no joy, simply because they've invested so much already. That's how Shining Force Neo functions. It starts off generously, giving you the special feelings that can only come from watching numbers rise into the thousands and beyond. However, the more time you give it, what once felt like a refreshing waterfall has become a leaky rusted faucet. 

Much like Neverland's other Action-RPGs, this relies on a handful of subsystems to determine the protagonist's level of power. Max is the typical heroic type who has family problems, a childhood friend that he's all but guaranteed to marry, a strong sense of justice, etc. He's also unique in the sense that he isn't just some guy who swings swords really well. I mean, he can be if you build him that way, but maybe you have a preferred job for him, such as mage or archer. This is, of course a departure from EXA, which split the fighter and mage into two different characters. Here, you can master specific abilities to become the greatest warrior, wizard, or whatever you feel is necessary for the next battle. There is a sense of fluidity to your build, often dictated by whatever you're facing. Enemies tend to focus on either physical attacks or magical spells, and there are strategies for dealing with both. 

The hero's level is only a small part of their strength, so again you'll have to rely on mythril to purchase all of the boosts to attack power, maximum HP, spell resistance, and those all-important -killers. In this game however, the chunks of ore you come across are referred to as energy. They're what remains of the gates that Legions (bug-like creatures) use to send monsters from their dimension to practically anywhere in the Shining Force multiverse. These monster gates are placed throughout each map. You destroy the nearby foes to weaken the gate's shield, then eliminate the gate itself to receive energy, equipment, and force arts. Force Arts are basically the monoliths from the other Neverland games I've already covered, except they're carried in your inventory. Bring them to a strange individual at your base to learn new abilities and strengthen existing ones. 

I'm not sure why the game went with energy instead of mythril. Maybe it's a half-assed justification for not having deposits of the stuff everywhere that you look. This energy is so scarce that pretty much the only way to acquire any is from interdimensional portals or stuffed in the nether regions of some fiend that traveled through them. Mainly what I'm saying here is that the energy economy is horseshit. It's not uncommon for Max and his compatriots to slay 30+ monsters, close a gate, and get rewarded with pebbles. If you're trying to build up a specific ability, then you have to farm gates. 

Each area that you'll be exploring tends to offer little in the way of unique circumstances or worthwhile treasures. To put it another way, if you've ever played a dungeon crawler that's a deluge of mazes, hallways, random encounters, and naught else, then Shining Force Neo is the button-bashing equivalent. Instead of finding anything unique or inventive, you'll be treated to monster gates, and more monster gates. When Shining Force Neo actually tries something different, it's like getting snapped out of a stupor, but it never lasts for more than a moment or two. If it's not a gate, then it's a boss monster. Several bosses tend to be invulnerable until all nearby mobs are defeated. EXA does something similar but isn't foolish enough to spawn dozens of fiends to waste the player's time. 

With all the gear that you're selling, you'd think something could be done with the hefty wad of cash in your bank account. Well, if you're willing to part with a couple million, then you can upgrade your equipment... once. With as much Max is paying him, the blacksmith could put the entire world's population through Shining University and build a continent out of gold. I don't want to turn this review into just "look how much better EXA is!" but some points must be continually hammered. It shouldn't cost three million to bring a sword from +4 to +5. That doesn't make any sense no matter how fucked the economy is.

Eventually, you're going to start hitting points where the enemies are hitting a little too hard, and it's not because you took a wrong turn and arrived in an optional endgame area. This is where the game becomes an ugly grind. Whether or not we're willing to admit it, all Action RPGs are a grind. What makes the grind ugly is when you have to leave a floor, re-enter it, and kill all of the monsters that respawned. I did a lot of ugly grinding back when I was deep into Diablo 2 and Phantasy Star Online, but at least those games had rare drops or other niceties to flick my "hell yeah!" switch. What does Shining Force Neo have? Mostly useless equipment, completely useless cash, and miniscule crumbs of not-mythril. Oh, but first I have to slay three respawning armies. 

As for Max, he's lost somewhere in the desert with his girlfriend and some guy named Rhinos. In one direction there are eight schools of fire-spitting seagulls. In the other? An endless fountain of sandworms. It costs half a bar of MP just to erase some of these mobs, and the 100k that was sunk into MP generation hasn't made a difference. I feel bad leaving them there, but I'm at my limit. Real shame too, since clearly a lot of effort was put into the character work. The script is decently schlocky and voiced by all-star voice actors putting in great work. Unfortunately, everybody is trapped in a bad game. Perhaps the first couple hours are fine, but it dips to mediocre, then in-offensive, then intolerable. I imagine that if I actually managed to finish Shining Force Neo, I'd be reduced to an inescapable void of misery, and I'd at least like to pretend that I'm not already there.

Playstation 2 Look - Shining Force EXA

Today's entry in the Neverland saga is none other than Shining Force EXA. As you might recall, not even a year ago I covered their Dreamcast Action RPG, Record of Lodoss War. My exact words to describe it were "unbelievably addictive". No game about the world's least interesting man exploring a large featureless world should've stolen 15+ hours of my life away. Unfortunately for myself, Neverland has the secret recipe. During the Playstation 2 years, they'd get a couple opportunities to iterate on it. EXA carried over everything that made their previous game worked, added a bunch of new mechanics, and gave it the most shonen-ass storyline. I'll go ahead and say it: this is believably addictive.

The most shonen-ass storyline involves a hot-blooded young man named Toma. Him and his crew are hunting Shining Force. It's a legendary sword, said to grant kingly powers to whomever can pull it from its resting place. Take a wild guess on who the sword chooses. With sword on wrist, Toma's Arthurian-esque adventure involves more than just battering the nearby orcs, it means resealing an ultimate darkness. The nations of Noswald and Fyrlandt have never been on the best of terms, and their rulers' attempts at gaining control of Shining Force will lead to war, and the revival of a world-destroying fiend. It's a lot to handle, but at least Toma now has a sweet base of operations called the Geo-Fortress.

Also, he's not alone. Alongside his companions is Cyrille. She's a young woman skilled in the ways of magic and mystery. You could even go as far to say that she's enigmatic to a fault. Both her and Toma must sort out their communication issues and learn to place their faith in each other. In a rare spin on the Action RPG, that sweet base they're hanging out in can't protect itself. While one character goes exploring for the necessary materials to upgrade the Geo-Fortress, the other will defend it from invaders. 

The first time I played Shining Force EXA was either 2008 or 2009. In that initial playthrough, I had Toma handle the bulk of the adventuring, while Cyrille held down the fort. This was partly due to familiarity, since EXA carries over many of the same progression mechanics that defined Record of Lodoss War. While characters earn experience and level up, the nominal gains aren't enough to keep up with the increasingly dangerous hordes. Mythril, the same crystalline goodness that turned a no-name shmuck into a god killer, is found throughout the world of EXA. Collect it, refine it, and launch stats into the stratosphere. Monoliths located in the wilderness or the deepest depths contain new rune arts for both protags to learn. The game is divided into 15 chapters, or 15 story dungeons, but you're heavily incentivized to take detours. Unlike its predecessor, this game is much more likely to tell you when you're heading towards a location that might be out of your league. Don't worry, whatever might've killed you in a single hit early on will itself die in one hit after you've taken the time to build your abilities.

For Toma, being king isn't enough. He has to be able to slay gods. This is where taking the time to clear out Ancient Arenas and other optional locales starts paying off. Many arenas contain -killer abilities to learn. Level them up to gain a % damage bonus against a certain type of enemy. At first, the most you'll be doing is killing orcs in a single hit instead of... a single hit. Continue investing though, and you'll notice that the effects of multiple -killer abilities will combine. Let's say that you run into a giant dragon that's wearing armor and holding a sword. What should've been a force to be reckoned with is actually weak to at least four different -killers. By the end of the game, yours, mine, and everybody else's Toma is going to be doing millions of damage with every weapon swing.

If you don't mind me getting sidetracked for a second, I have to point out that the gameplay loop is exceptionally satisfying. Sure, it boils down to running through dungeons, crushing all opposition, then warping back to the fortress to exchange useless equipment for cash or mythril. What makes this setup work for me is its agency. Instead of just filling one experience bar, I have several ability bars to fill. Several of them also unlock a new tier once they're maxed out, creating more investment opportunities for my mythril. A good weapon can lead to exponential damage increases, so there's also the allure of getting a rare drop. Most importantly though, I appreciate that there's an actual end. Once the substantial postgame content is finished, then that's it. The end. There's actually a sense of finality to work towards instead of an infinite supply of parallel dungeons or whatever the post-post-postgame is called in titles like Diablo 3, Torchlight 2, or any other Action RPG made after 2010. I'm satisfied with doing millions of damage. I couldn't give less of a shit about billions or trillions.

Oh, Cyrille. My apologies ma'am, I nearly forgot that you're still here. It's not that I don't appreciate your contributions. It's just... well... let's try to break it down a little. While Toma is out in the world mashing foes under the sheer weight of ginormous numbers, Cyrille is drumming her fingers and waiting for the next invasion. These defense missions occur on a frequent enough basis and are generally forgiving enough, so that you don't have to be a master tactician to keep your photon converters or whatever they're called protected. Mythril is shared between both heroes, and Cyrille can also build up her strength in randomly generated "training" dungeons. Lastly, other non-playable companions can assist in battle, and they're no slouches either. Gadfort makes a heck of a tank, Maebelle snipes and heals, Amitalri has spells that'll shread, etc. 

However, even as I allowed Cyrille to take the lead in my second playthrough of Shining Force EXA, I still thought that she lacked the capacity for god-slaying. To her credit, she's an absolute demon in defense missions, with fire and ice spells that'll cover the screen in army flattening mayhem. The problem is that her spells don't benefit from the -killers. As much as I think she deserves it, Cyrille isn't getting a fireball that does a few million damage. The only way she can make use of these, and other weapon-based skills is if she's wielding a crossbow. Shame the crossbow isn't much good. It really needed a consistent spread shot, rapid fire, or some other secret sauce to make it as viable as a spell, let alone the hunk of metal Toma is swinging that kills huge samurai zombies in an instant.  Maybe there's a secret to the heroine's full potential that I'm missing, but she can still wipe a battlefield clean with the snap of a finger, so I guess it doesn't matter in the long run.

In spite of its age, I believe that Shining Force EXA's moment-to-moment action is still pretty solid. There's something about the screen absolutely cluttered with bodies getting bodied that hits me where the sertralin can't quite reach. The fact that enemy corpses can be juggled for another second or two is the kind of visceral rawness I like to see in all games, even racers. Yes, it's quite possible for either character to get lost in the chaos, especially during defense missions, but I don't mind it a bit. Death usually comes in the form of "You're not supposed to be here yet." rather than the knife in the back nobody could've seen. 

The short review is that this is Record of Lodoss War, but better in every way. Having characters that are interesting and worth caring about goes a long way. The improved mechanics and better world-design are also immensely welcome. Plus, I think it's absolutely wonderful to have an Action RPG that can be shelved after 30 or so hours. There isn't this need to permanently attach myself to the hamster wheel, all in the hopes that a large enough number and a shiny enough rare will fill the countless voids within myself.

I assure you that this is what peak gaming looks like.

Sega Genesis look - Beast Wrestler

Beast Wrestler sucks, but I think you already know that. Telenet's isometric kaiju brawler has exactly one thing going for it, and that's the monster designs by Yasushi Nirasawa. Beyond that, all players have to look forward to is one of the worst fighting engines to ever appear in a 1v1 game. Maybe it's intentionally bad because mankind shouldn't be subjecting dragons to genetic experiments. Instead of powerful warriors, they become horrifying abominations that spend every waking moment in constant agonizing pain. Unable to live or die, these once beautiful creatures are forced to fight other members of their brood. The arena they're trapped in is lined with invisible wires that deliver 100-million-volt shocks to anything that tries to escape. Damn. Now I want a game where mutant dragons turn against their human masters and wipe them all out. 

The basic idea is that combatants wear each other down with strikes and grabs, then go for the special attack. When this ultra-powerful move lands, the opponent is knocked down and loses one of their three lives. Winners are decided by whomever is the first to erase their opposition's lives. Makes sense, right? Special attacks are finishers in all but name, and this is (presumably) a wrestling game. To keep bouts paced appropriately, a special attack is only available after 20 or so seconds have passed. Once used, then the wrestler must wait another 20 seconds before they can get another. There is something of a strategy to knowing the opponent's finisher and then baiting them into wasting it.

Fights are complete shit. Each beast tends to have inexplicable hitboxes, making strikes either impossible to land or overpowered. There are at least a couple mutants that crawl on all fours, and they have a tail attack that's completely useless. I'm not sure if the winner of a grapple is determined by a timed button-press or mashing, but it never seems to matter when fighting the CPU. There's one workable strategy and it involves staying just out of their attack range and landing repeat strikes. Beyond that, all you can do is hope that your monster has a special attack that isn't total garbage. Where this gets hilarious is that if you're playing Tournament mode, the starting beast has Magnum Dash, one of the best special attacks in the entire game. Eventually, you'll have to combine Dragon DNA to get a fused beast, which means giving up Magnum Dash for something else. That something else is always going to be worse. By the end of the game, you're likely to be some bipedal slime dragon with a special attack that's almost impossible to land. 

I can't even begin to describe how idiotic this move is. It's some sort of flying slime bite, but it only hits opponents that are lying down. The angle and timing have to be perfect, or else the fucking thing whiffs and you have to wait 20+ seconds for another try. I can also say with 99.999% certainty that the move won't work if the beast is running north in either direction. Either the dev-team was playing a prank, or they were actually serious about the "genetically modified dragons are bad" nonsense I literally just made up. Otherwise, I can't see how anyone would make something this bad on purpose. There are countless fighting games with awful moves, but it's not like I have to use them to win a match. In Beast Wrestler, either I learn the most ridiculous move ever, or I don't get to see the lousy ending and justify my wasted time with a semblance of closure.

All I have left to say about this mess is that it deserves whatever Bottom 25 Mega Drive Games list it might find itself in. There isn't any hidden depth that the "casual" gaming audience is failing to understand. Matches are nothing more than dysfunctional drek. It's not even dumb fun. It's just dumb.

2026 Special - Mamono Hunter Yōko: Dai 7 no Keishō

For reasons unclear, I woke up early this morning and chose pain. Mamono Hunter Youko carries a bit of a poor reputation among Mega Drive enthusiasts. Give it five minutes of your time and it's not hard to see why. Youko, the hapless heroine, spends her world-saving adventure beleaguered by monsters from every direction. Her legs are hobbled by a Castlevania-esque stiffness, ensuring that the slightest miscalculation in a jump will send her tumbling into deadly waters or lava. I can't even begin to describe how woefully underequipped the poor lady is. Whereas the Alisia Dragoon protag had full-screen auto-targeting lightning to protect herself against the swarms of fiends and their projectile spam, Mamono Hunter has a sword with hardly any range. Oh, but she's got a charge attack that flings a boomering in whatever direction she's aiming. Big whoop. 

The best part is when the music changes and you approach what you believe to a boss battle. Instead, it's an awkward climb up a massive vine. The boss is flying from one side of the screen to the other, using its wind powers to push Youko around the instant the jump button is pressed. Either you adapt to the changing winds, or who am I kidding? There is no "either", because hardly anyone is willing to give this game more than five minutes. I don't blame them (or you for that matter). This title is one I've been dodging since forever ago. When Mamono Hunter Yōko: Dai 7 no Keishō showed up in Sega Saturn magazine's "Top 25 Worst Mega Drive Games" list, I figured that I was in the clear. HOWEVER, one or two people stood up and said they were fans of the game. Well shit, if this game has fans, then who am I to willingly blind myself to the meritorious qualities it might possess? 

And so... instead of 5 minutes, I pushed myself to give this game 10 minutes. Then 10 turned into 20, 20 into 30, and 30 into oh, thank goodness it's already over. This is neither a long adventure nor an overly punishing one. Yes, mistakes are often rewarded with a miserable death, but checkpoints are frequent, and there's a large stack of lives & continues to chew through. More to the point, Mamono Hunter Yohko isn't a bad game. It's just not for everyone. If you find this copout answer dissatisfying, then stick close while I try to figure out who this game is actually for. 

Before going further, we should take a closer look at Youko's powers, because mastering them gets us one step closer to understanding what makes this game work. That boomering I mentioned earlier is actually a shield, a powerful shield at that. It has limitations though. While it'll block a projectile from any direction, anything larger will fly right through. Also, a blocked shot creates a temporary hole in the heroine's defenses, so it's up to the player to keep her moving and make at least a valiant effort to avoid (or destroy) whatever is spitting all those bullets.

The boomering functions as a ranged attack when the attack button is released. Also, you can send that ring in the same direction or somewhere else by pressing attack the instant it returns (mashing works if you struggle with timing presses). Basically, you can and likely will rush through areas, throwing the ring every which way and saving yourself a lot of hassle. There is one other important detail worth considering, however. It feels weird saying this, but enemies don't respawn. Take a moment to destroy everything in your immediate area before attempting difficult jumps. I'm a bit weirded out that this game is thoughtful enough to avoid having its monsters just reappear endlessly. This isn't typical licensed schlock. The development team approached their game with confidence and clear intent.

Since yellow paint hadn't been invented yet. Mamono Hunter Youko's methods for showing players when and where to jump is to have them fail several times. Jumps are always going to be stiff, so all you have is your agency. Before long, you'll be able to accurately gauge whether you'll under or overshoot the platform you want to leap on. Just be mindful of the environment. Stage 5 is packed with slopes that'll add a ton of momentum to every jump. Mess up and the heroine is flying into the nearest pit. I don't think I had fun playing this stage, but I didn't feel cheated either. I understood what the developer wanted me to do, so the blame for every death landed squarely on me. Well... almost every death. There are a couple of instances where it isn't 110% clear what's expected, and it's not like the strict time limit allows a moment to experiment.

This game's approach to health is also pretty unique. Everything does quite a bit of damage, but at least 2/3rds of the lost health will restore itself if Youko can get out of immediate danger. Basically, it's possible for the 3-hit heroine to survive until hit 7 or 8. There's still a lot of opportunities to die horribly though. Streams of fire in stage 2 will melt a full health bar in a second. Several deaths will be attributed to enemies or bosses clumsily bumping into the protag. The finale is especially annoying because of this issue. For the most part though, you can get pretty far while only suffering minor scrapes if you use the environment and shield properly. There's a small hill in the third boss arena that the heroine can stand on. It provides a good angle for her to reach the boss and eliminate its projectiles before they can become a problem.

I'll also show a bit of appreciation towards the complete absence of power-ups. There are health restoratives and 1ups lying around, but no "grab this to increase the sword level" nonsense. I like that I don't have to account for these variables while learning the stages. I don't have to worry about getting screwed over because I brought the wrong subweapon to a boss battle. It's a refreshing twist on the genre. 

Even with all of this praise, don't act so surprised when you reach the end of this review and see Yuko's shocked and appalled face. I respect and even admire what the developers of Mamono Hunter Yohko accomplished here. This is a unique take on a formula that had already become exhausting. It's clearly designed to create an antagonistic relationship with its players, but it doesn't rely on cheap deaths to artificially extend playtime. The game could've given its players three lives and no continues but instead chose to give them 5 lives and 7 continues. It's inviting them to learn how to survive in the world as well as the intricacies of the sword. 

Basically, I just couldn't find very many moments where I enjoyed what I was doing. Yes, mechanics were clicking into place, and I saw exactly what the developer was going for, but I wasn't having much fun. Normally in a game you put up with the lows so you can experience the highs. Yet the closest I got to a high was a section of stage 4 when Youko was effortlessly blocking and destroying scores of foes while running at full speed. It wasn't enough to win me over, especially considering the effort required to make the tiniest jumps in stage 5 or getting around the 2nd boss and its brutal hitboxes. 

Still, if you're the academic type who values games as learning experiences, then I think you should check this out. The mechanics are interesting to explore, and there is real consequence to every action or inaction by its players. Mamono Hunter Yohko isn't like most action-platformers. 

It's just not for me.

"Oh my God!" (respectfully)

2026 Special - Run Saber

"We have Strider at home... and it kicks ass actually."  

As always, the temptation to stop writing about a game after I've given it a one sentence summation is strong. Maybe it's finally time I face the fact that I'm never going to give into it. I'm too obsessed with fairness to cheat a product out of its review. Fairness is a bizarre and ultimately meaningless concept, but I like to hold onto it during the times I pretend to be a virtuous individual. Besides, Run Saber deserves more than a few words thrown its away. Even in the endless sea of action-platformers, it's got a uniquely tangy flavor that'll leave a lasting impression.

It's nearly the year 3000, and pollution has all but destroyed Earth. A scientist gets the bright idea to combine his research into genetic structure with radiation. I'm not 100% sure where he expects to go with this, but I'm guessing it involves mutant trees that can thrive in harsh environments while absorbing all the greenhouse gases and such. Since this is a video game, everything goes wrong, and now the entire planet is crawling with killer mutants. Not to worry, because science man's backup plan is a genetic freak with a rad laser sword named Kurtz...who immediately goes rogue and declares himself king of the planet. If the third time is a charm, then that's only because it's where you (and possibly a friend) come in. Take control of Sheena and/or Allen and lead them on a world-saving quest. They're also genetic freaks with laser swords, but it's different now because... because it just is.

Here's a fine example of what a 30-minute game should be. Each stage is a series of mid-bosses and end-bosses. Interspersed between those battles are short segments where you slash a bunch of mutants or avoid obstacles. The basics are naturally instantaneous to pick up. You'll be jumping and hacking in no time at all, but there's still plenty more to learn. All the fun action is accompanied by a difficulty curve that gradually increases, without any of the cliffs and valleys that might impede one's enjoyment. Unlike its inspiration, Run Saber opts to be forgiving. Healing items are coughed up by the minions you destroy. Don't fret too much about death. Your next life drops in the instant after your current one eats dirt or falls into a pit. Coop play is supported, and the developers clearly made something that two people can enjoy. There's no possible way that friendships will fall apart just because Person B steals all the 1ups or Person A can't read a boss pattern to save their life.

The controls here are pretty interesting. Depending on how long the button is pressed, Sheena (and Allen I assume) is capable of skipping, hopping, and jumping. There is a trade-off, since neither hero is especially mobile while in the air. You can't simply jump-cancel to hit the ground more quickly, so every jump is a conscious decision that has some risks. If the intention is to dodge an attack, then it might be a good idea to stay grounded, double-tapping the d-pad to dash* away or hitting a shoulder button to slide. Before you ask, there's no slide-cancel. The high yet floaty jumps contrast nicely with the quick yet inflexible evasive techniques. I like how each tool is a commitment, and not just in the predictable Castlevania style where midair movement doesn't exist.

Another really neat aspect to the combat is that offense isn't limited to the sword. Holding up during a jump does a flip attack while holding down does a flying kick. They're both important because they cover angles that the sword can't. Due to how the controls function, it might not be possible for someone to reposition themselves to counter every enemy. These unique moves cover weak-points and look stylish. Flying kicks also bounce off of enemies that take multiple hits, which is always nice to see. You'll want to make use of the advanced moves whenever possible, because Sheena (and maybe Allen) is a large target. Her hurtbox extends from the hairs on her head to the soles of her boots. Annoying, but whatever. It's not a big problem. 

Along with their impressive visuals, each boss has its own fighting style, ensuring they're more than just a target to strike. The multiple duels with Kurtz are among the toughest. This is mainly because learning a human's pattern, particularly one who has the same moves as the protagonists, can be awfully tricky. Still, if you can hang onto the powered-up sword, then some fights are almost trivial. All it takes to beat the third boss is to stand in the middle of the screen, hit its head when it lowers, then duck the fire breath. This game is also quick to hand out screen-clearing bombs. Since they're lost on death, I feel like I can't really ignore them. Next thing I know, I'm panic-bombing like this was a Cave shmup. I don't think I can even call this a nitpick. 

Easy to hop into and enjoy. Forgiving, but also a pretty good challenge if you're willing to try for a no-bomb run and/or die as little as possible. That's Run Saber in a nutshell. There's a lot to like, and I have to stretch damn hard to find anything worth disliking. Honestly shocked this wasn't released in Japan though. It's a gem that everyone should be able to check out.

*For a game called Run Saber, nobody is actually running. The dash is more of a speedwalk than anything.

2026 Special - Magical Pop'n

Dear cybernetic eight-headed chimera that I pray to every third Sunday, please give me a video game that's either loaded with problems or has a single insignificant nonissue that I can pretend is actually ruining gaming. Don't lead me to games like Magical Pop'n that do everything perfectly and wonderfully. My filthy soul is not equipped to handle such majestic programming. 

For real though, what is this game and why is it so damn good? 

If you haven't already played Magical Pop'n, then I implore... no, I demand you to rectify that this very instant. Do whatever you have to do to get the game running and give it a couple hours of your time. If you're just that kind of person who doesn't feel like playing video games now or ever, then... alright, fair. Make my already miserable job even harder. I'm going to try to explain how Polestar's action-platformer is a masterclass in game-design. However, I've spent a lifetime complaining, so there's a pretty good chance I'll fuck up. 

The basic premise is that you're a little princess who has to save the entire world. It's a kid's game... except it... No, it's totally a game for kids. This is just one of those small but also massively important details that my brain keeps tripping over. A "kid's game" carries negative connotations, like you have to play 10 stages before you're taught how to press the jump button. What the developer accomplished here is kind-of miraculous. This is a game for small children that isn't condescending in any way. The difficulty is on the light end, but not so light that there are never any consequences. There's always an incentive for someone to try their hardest. If they're thorough, then the game becomes easier. Curiosity is rewarded, often with a huge cake or a heart that increases the heroine's maximum life. Players who want to test their abilities won't explore. They'll face bosses with less health and spend more time learning patterns to maximize what little they have.  

Magical Pop'n is mechanically dense. On the surface, it's one of those hop & slash platformers, but there's a richness to the swordplay that isn't typically seen, even in games that cater to adults. There's value in every swing. When the princess strikes a wall or other impenetrable object with her sword, there's a distinct sound and she's pushed back slightly. Jabbing the ground with a downward thrust throws her into the air like her sword is a pogo stick. Enemies that carry weapons will deflect attacks, prompting the player to seek out different angles to attack from. This makes landing hits satisfying. The lack of pushback indicates a strike was executed correctly. These visual and audio indicators really sell the importance of learning the game instead of hurling oneself into everything and hoping for the best.

Mobility is topnotch. I ran descriptions like "second nature" into the ground ages ago, so instead I'll say that this is a fantastic game for kids because it accounts for every possible movement option. Not only can the princess crawl across the ground, pressing the jump button while holding down-forward will allow her to slide. Maybe having both is excessive, but I don't see it that way. Again, it's designed to reward curiosity. Also, holding down and jump will have her drop from platforms. This doesn't overlap or get in the way of the slide. In general, jumping has this nice punchy feel to it. The responsiveness and fluidity make it an exceptional tool for any circumstance, and it's just plain fun. I guess the word I'm looking for here is joyous. After eons of action-platformers, the very act of leaping into the air can feel rote or even bothersome. That's not the case here. 

The heroine is also an exceptional magician, whose mastery over the mystical arts grows as she explores each of the six stages. Besides the standard projectile, she'll learn to throw exploding lollipops, fire & ice, and even spin-dash across floors or walls. There is somewhat of a Metroid-aspect to getting around, since powers earned in a stage are typically used to open paths that were inaccessible before. Spells cost stars to use, but the game makes it very clear that players shouldn't be stingy with them. Star pick-ups adorn each room or are dropped from enemies, so don't hold back. Lollipops are particularly useful for nailing bosses from a safe distance. Altogether, it's a great system that is liable to go underutilized, simply because players are so accustomed to having very limited "subweapon ammo". 

There is one spell that doesn't cost anything, and it's the grappling hook. This is an essential tool that'll take some time to learn. Princess (we never get her name) throws it at a 45-degree angle, so practice is required to hook onto the floating divots that can be swung from. Early on, this weapon is mostly used to swing across a single gap or to reach a useful treasure. In the late stages, jumping/grappling puzzles will require some serious dexterity. Next to a couple of bosses, they might be the toughest parts of the game. To keep frustration from setting in, the developer wisely chose to avoid including any bottomless pits. It's possible to fall onto spikes or dangerous waters, but nothing that does more than a heart's worth of damage at a time. By the way, the hook can be used as a weapon. It's actually really useful for flying enemies that try to stay out of the sword's reach.

Part of what makes Magical Pop'n so appealing is its willingness to teach players. None of this is done through tutorials or textboxes either. Instead, the level-design is like a subtle guiding hand. Mechanics are introduced in ways so seamless that the player might not even notice them. For example, in the intro to one of the boss fights, control is briefly taken away as the princess runs to challenge the foe. While crossing a couple of gaps, she intentionally walks off of them before jumping a split-second later. This is the game acknowledging that there is "coyote time". It's something that the person might've noticed before in prior stages but couldn't quite grasp what was going on. Towards the end of the game, there's an optional gap that requires coyote-time to cross, a little pop quiz for treasure. Teaching moments like these are interspersed throughout, and they never come off as unwanted or eye-rolling. 

Multiple times during the review, I wanted to draw comparisons with the multitude of 16-bit classics this was inspired by, but it's hard to do so without devaluing such a fantastic adventure. Still, it's something I want to acknowledge because I believe that it's the developer's intention to wear the game's influences on their sleeve. The main character resembling Link. Her penchant for curling into a ball while jumping. Hell, I already name-dropped Metroid a minute ago. All of these elements are designed to invoke that sense of familiarity, which enhances its ability to appeal to all ages. Again, there's subtlety in how references are approached. The developer is clearly aware of what the player is thinking but never spells it out and cheapens the effect. Basically, I want to make it clear that this smart-design. The game pulls from multiple sources and creates something special.

A typical play-through can take up to two hours, which leads into Magical Pop'n's single fault: no passwords. Obviously, it doesn't matter these days since everybody just emulates, but I still have to mention that it's an odd omission for a surprisingly lengthy game. There are also a few instances of slowdown... and yeah. Complaint-wise, I'm completely tapped out. You want to know something? The sicko inside of me wanted so much for there to be some wonky hurtboxes, a cheap boss-fight, or something else I could yammer on about. I seriously couldn't find anything of the sort. What's here is just so good, so tightly constructed, and so right.  

Magical Pop'n will teach you so much about how action-platformers should work that you'll be disappointed by just how many don't measure up. Every aspect is fine-tuned to an immaculate level. Also, it's ridiculously cute; an endless fountain of adorable charm. Yet not once does it ever eschew its superb mechanics and flawless controls. All I can say is what everyone else has already said: this is an absolute classic.