I can't understand why I've been struggling so hard on a ToeJam & Earl review. This is one of the most relatable video games out there. Who hasn't wished they could find the pieces of their broken spaceship and get the funk off of Earth? Knowing myself though, I'd crash into another asteroid and end up right back on the motherfucker. Apologies to all the fellow earthlings out there, but this planet is indeed a motherfucker. So much wonder and beauty that we're destroying in the pursuit of an endless stream of fake shit. Perhaps that's what makes writing this review so difficult. The worst our funkotronian duo ever had to deal with was soul-sucking suburbia. They played easy mode while the rest of us are stuck in Lunatic. Still, I'd be lying if I said that I don't appreciate the quaint vibes that emanate from this Sega Genesis classic.
Back in 1991, there wasn't much of a roguelike formula to shake up, but that didn't stop ToeJam & Earl from taking the genre in otherworldly directions. The goal is simple enough. Explore 25 randomized floors of increasing difficulty while hunting down the 10 pieces of the Rapmaster Rocketship. Each floor consists of rooms separated by hallways. These rooms contain various interactions that help or hinder the aliens' chances of getting home. What sets this game apart from so many others is that there are no walls, creating new opportunities and obstacles. If there's something that you missed on a previous floor, then it's just a short hop (and a long fall) off the nearest ledge. With speedy or springy shoes, one could jump a chasm to find a shortcut or escape danger. However, as anyone familiar with the game will attest, there are few things more discouraging than getting swept up by a cyclone and deposited into the void.
On Earth, there are three kinds of people: the kind that want your money, the kind that want you dead, and Santa Claus. Defending oneself from hostiles isn't easy when there aren't any swords or phaser rifles. There are, however, no shortage of presents lying around. If the situation looks grim, then crack open a lovingly wrapped package and see what happens. You might be gifted a temporary boon like Icarus wings, earthling-eliminating tomatoes, or those shoes I mentioned a second ago. Other effects are instantaneous, like the aptly named Unfall, which undoes that last time you inadvertently fell off the edge of the world. In truly random fashion, not all of them are winners. Some guy dressed like a carrot identifies presents... for a price, but smart players will learn to live with it. The only thing more discouraging than getting tossed away by a cyclone is cracking open a Total Bummer and watching ToeJam and/or Earl's health evaporate.
Once you get a handle on the basics, you'll find that ToeJam & Earl is mostly laidback and kind-of relaxing. The spacious floors and relatively slow walking speed create a chill atmosphere. Unlike its 2019 successor Back in the Groove - which I think very highly of btw - there aren't dozens of objects to interact with or minigames to play for additional goodies. It's just you and your alien buds out for a walk, and sometimes there's a crazy earthling causing trouble. I don't want to say that nothing happens early on, because it's always important to load up on presents and other essentials for the trials ahead, but this game takes a lot longer than a minute to get going.
While later floors ramp up the intensity, the pacing remains about the same. Without presents, all the funky extraterrestrials have is their own two (or three) legs. If they're being chased by a maniac, then it's going to take some skillful maneuvering to survive. Methodical is definitely the word of the day. You can't just move in one direction and hope for the best. In the case of cyclones, sometimes the best plan is to step aside and away from its path. The movement in this game is actually really good. It's slow, but flexible enough to allow players to get away from most dangers.
The last third of this spaceship scavenger hunt is where the real nightmares come out to play. Boogiemen are everywhere. Dealing with waves of these ghouls for several floors is not an uncommon occurrence. I suppose it could be worse, because even with their staggering numbers, I'd rather put up with them than rampaging ice cream trucks or lawnmower men. ToeJam & Earl are too funky for invulnerability frames, so certain earthlings will juggle them into oblivion if they get close. It sucks, but I can't get too mad about it. The most dangerous foes don't show up too often, so careful players should have a stock of spare lives to fall back on in case the worst happens.
Still, this is as far from a modern roguelike as I can imagine. There isn't "excitement around every corner", and the slow-burn progression ensures that it'll be quite some time before the threat of imminent death becomes real. Shoot, this isn't really a classic roguelike either, because nobody is getting wiped out by a freak accident or an endgame monstrosity appearing from out of nowhere. And... really, it's awfully hard to get cornered in a world where walls don't exist. Ultimately, I enjoy ToeJam & Earl for all the ways it eschews genre standards. Having multiple lives instead of just one is huge.
The singular truth is that this game is on a very, very short list of roguelikes that I'd ever purposefully come back to. I've played quite a few over the years, but that's part of being a game reviewer. Choice is a luxury. Closer to the point, games that want to see me dead, my stuff taken away, and my soul tossed in the bin like it never existed just bum me out. I got enough shit to worry about. Tossing the feeling of always being one step away from losing everything onto the pile is too much.
Alright, I'm rambling now. Let's shut it down until next time.
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