It's 5:49 am. I just had a dream where my entire family called me a lazy good-for-nothing. Holding a full-time job that takes everything out of me and paying a mortgage that eats away whatever remains doesn't count for much, I guess. Half-asleep, yet unable to subconsciously escape the judgement of others, the decision is made to work on a review. This is in essence, the most conducive environment for my work. It frustrates me beyond words how people can think so little of video game critics. We're always biased or "don't get it" or worse, targets of some obsessive decades-spanning campaign, all because we gave a score that differed from the norm or played a game poorly once. Not once have these dopes ever used the pebble-sized brain rattling around in their concrete-thick skull to actually understand where a critic is coming from. I don't write reviews solely to piss off weirdos. I live in a world of shit, a hole that I filled with my own hells, same as everyone else. Writing about one of the two things that keeps me duct-taped together - the other being chicken-club sandwiches - is how I communicate with others. The fact that I can consistently drag myself away from the brink yet never use it as an excuse to bury some poor piece of crap game is a goddamned miracle.
Not that I'm implying Valis III is a piece of crap. It's really not that bad, but I hold the sincere belief that it can't escape the crushing weight of its own ambition. Laser Soft's cross between Leda: The Fantastic Adventures of Yohko and Dracula's Curse needed a second set of hands to carve out what doesn't quite work and polish everything else. The existence of the very compelling and fun Genesis port is proof of that. Telenet took a game with wonky hitboxes, less-than-solid controls, an almost absurdly unbalanced level of difficulty, and created one of the classics of the Mega Drive era. I don't want to sell the original short, but when my chances of defeating the final boss are determined entirely by the subweapon I'm carrying, well... clearly you can see that my hands are tied. It was less than a week ago that I shared my begrudging yet immense respect for the final boss of the Genesis port. This was a tough fight where every single one of my victories was by the slimmest of margins. By contrast, the Turbografx CD's take on the finale is essentially impossible if Yuko isn't carrying a fire rod.
Shit. Half the games I reviewed in 2025 had a fire rod. I can't escape these fucking things.
Now to this version's credit, a lot of emphasis was put on elemental-themed magic, giving the platforming action a tinge of puzzle-solving. This is most evident in the fourth stage, where Valna uses her ice magic to freeze enemies and create platforms out of them. It's a clever idea. The seventh stage has Yuko throwing homing fireballs to take out antlions. It's a not as clever idea, but it works. Well, at least I think it's supposed to work that way. If there was an alternative, I didn't want to risk it due to the sloppy controls and hit detection. Also, the knockback is almost inexplicable. If there's a pit in the vicinity, you can be certain that contact with the nearest enemy will send Yuko & her allies tumbling towards it. I think this was one of those times where the game leaned too heavily on the Castlevania influence. Any contact with spikes taking 1/3rd to 1/2 of the heroine's life is extreme too.
If the final boss spoiler didn't already give it away, bosses tend to be extremely unbalanced. This is almost entirely attributed to the strange decision to force players to restart the fight if they lose. Wait! That's supposed to be convenient! Instead, it's a trap designed to erase any spare lives, requiring a restart of the entire stage. Whenever the protag suffers a death, they lose their spell rod, and the strength of their weapon is kicked back to level one. Weapon strength determines - among other things - how far Yuko's projectiles travel when she swings her sword. In the Genesis version, button-mashing was ineffective. Here? It's a death sentence. The distance of Yuko's attack is pitiful at level one, yet she's almost required to swing wildly to have a chance at the boss. Ultimately though, it's wasted effort. If you're going to borrow from Castlevania, why not borrow the checkpoints that are placed shortly before bosses? Allow players the opportunity to get a few power-ups so they're not fighting Dracula or Ramses with a piece of string or a stick.
Oops! There I go again getting frustrated with game developers that haven't existed for decades. I should be showing more respect for what they accomplished, even if it is for the elements of a video game that don't always interest me. I mean, the presentation is as stellar as ever. The design of Yuko's armor is rather silly, but also pretty awesome. It probably helps that a couple key pieces of art treat it with the gravitas it deserves. After all, this is Yuko's final adventure.
Unfortunately, I have nothing else to add to this review. If it wasn't already apparent from the second sentence, I just wanted a moment to vent. If you got to this point, then thanks for sticking around. I appreciate it.
As for Valis III on the Turbografx CD, there's only one thing left to say.
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| Oh my god. |
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