"64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, and... let's just make it 71 to be on the safe side." I mumbled to myself. It took 71 battles, but I finally crafted a pair of White Boots, end-game equipment that gives a nominal boost to most of Anna's stats. 71 battles with two whistlers, four whistlers, four whistlers, two whistlers, over and over again. "I must be going insane." I sighed aloud as I drearily fumbled through Rolf's technique menu to cast Ryuka. Truth is, there's no "going" insane. I've been out to lunch since the day someone told me that the definition of insanity is repeating the same action repeatedly and expecting a different result. Screw that know-it-all jerk. Nothing worse than someone who talks platitudes yet never extends a helping hand. Well, whatever. I can't be concerned about ancient history, especially when I have another 68 or 69 battles ahead of me. It's extremely important that I craft the Black Boots. Their single digit decrease in damage is sure to make a difference when facing Dark Falz and Mother Brain.
You're probably wondering why in the name of any deity would I be so concerned about a meaningless accessory. The answer is that I don't think very highly of myself. For reasons that may never materialize, I gave Phantasy Star Generation: 2 a full playthrough. This remake of the Sega Genesis classic was developed in conjunction with D3, a publisher that brought many low-budget (and low-quality) games to PlayStation platforms. In all honesty though, I wouldn't even consider myself in the top 10,000 haters of the Sega 3D Ages line-up. Space Harrier, Outrun, and several others might be uglier than swamp ass, but they're... playable, I guess? Eh... Look. I didn't say I was in the top 100,000 lovers of these middling clunkers.
I said my piece on the original Phantasy Star II less than a year ago. However, I probably should've mentioned that this is a 15-hour RPG that was inexplicably stretched to 25 hours. What does that make Phantasy Star Generation: 2 then? Oh, that's easy. Sega & D3 stretched a 15-hour RPG to over 35 hours. The simplest thing anyone could've done is implement a handful of QOL features to smooth out the roughest edges. What's here is everything but simple. Basic, functional, and satisfying was replaced with overwrought, repetitive, and aggravating. With only a hint of hyperbole, I can say that this version of PS2 is worse than the original in every conceivable way. "A hint of hyperbole?" Yes, the camera was fixed so players can actually see what's in front of the party. That's literally it.
Let's talk about the big exclusive features, and why I hate them. During his investigations into the recent surge of Bio Monsters, Rolf will acquire the services of various heroes, all with differing backgrounds and talents. Since the party-size is limited to four, everyone else has to stay home. Instead of twiddling their thumbs, they can "practice" or "create". Practice is actually useful since it allows inactive heroes to maintain a level of experience close to those who are following Rolf around. Item Creation on the other hand, is intricately designed to cause psychosis.
"71, 72, 73, 74, and let's stop there. That has to be enough for the Ice Slicer." I exclaim with a sense of self-satisfaction. "Napalm-Shot!? Dammit!" I must have miscalculated, lost count, forgot to take Amy's contribution into account, whatever. The point is that item creation requires players to participate in a huge number of battles, all to get something that may or may not be useful. It'd be much too intuitive to ask the heroes sitting at home to make a particular item, and PSG:2 laughs at the idea of including a freaking counter. "89, 90, 91, 92" Yes, this meant that I spent an inordinate amount of time counting out loud. The slightest mistake would leave me with something practically unusable. Adding to the annoyance is that creators can overlap. Rudo & Kain create weapons, Hugh & Kain (?) construct armor, and Hugh & Kain & Rudo invent accessories exclusively for men. Only one creation can be picked up. Reload a save if it isn't the one you want. God damn this is so stupid! I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must've been for yesteryear's gamers who didn't have access to PCSX-2's fast-forward.
The most embarrassing part is how little all that effort actually matters. I crafted Anna's Ice Slicers, even a Lightning Whip. Did endgame weaponry turn her into a warrior goddess? Of course not. Did it make her a force to be reckoned with? Nope. Did she get even the slightest bit stronger? Ehhh... ummm.... IuhhIunno. Something every Phantasy Star II fan has dealt with are all the bio monsters and robots that have high defense. The remake is even more of a slog. All that work I put into upgrading Anna's arsenal was thrown back into my face as she did *plink plink* damage forever. She's my favorite character in PSII; seeing her stuck with Snow Crown duties broke my heart. Ultimately, I invested shit-ton of extra time to get the same result. When it comes time for the final bosses, Rolf & Rudo are still going to be the damage-dealers. Seriously, I think it's bullshit that Rudo's is the only character who has easy access to defense-ignoring weaponry. A competent remake might've tried alleviating the bullshit instead of exacerbating it. We're so far outside of that realm of possibility I'm sorry I even had the thought.
Next up is the battle system. In an effort to increase player involvement, the heroes can charge their attacks. A level 3 charge does the most damage, but often causes whoever performs it to act after the enemy. Really, it's not enough to make a difference. Even worse is the "parry". What this does is reduce incoming damage if a button-press is timed correctly. I'll tell you right now that this isn't Paper Mario. Decent timing isn't saving anyone's life, because the damage-reduction is limited to a single digit's worth. Players who fully engage with the battle system are awarded bonus experience, which again doesn't make a single goddamn ounce of difference.
The more you know about Phantasy Star II, the more the remake wants to punish you. For starters, talking to the various NPCs wandering each city is required for progress. If you want the Jet Scooter or the Maruela leaf, then you'd better talk to various people multiple times over until they give up the requisite information or key-item. It's such an unnecessary addition that simultaneously makes me feel bad for complaining about it. Somebody put a lot of work giving every NPC plenty of say, and all it accomplishes is bothering the heck out of me. Now, there is a side-quest that leads to reward. Spend enough time with an old man on the outskirts of Piata, and you might obtain the almighty Enhancer. This item permanently doubles physical attack power. It's... rendered mostly useless by all the robots. Never before have I put in so much additional effort to achieve the exact same result. Seriously, what the fuck is the point of anything?
A joke that's made at the player's expense involves the second floor of Roron Dump. In order to get the Jet Scooter, they must bring Polymetryl to a Motavian on the third floor. Don't talk to anyone on the second floor, because negative IQ Rolf will give the Polymetryl away, forcing a reload or an additional 10,000 meseta to obtain more. Speaking of jokes, I'm not even going to waste oxygen on the requirements to resurrect Nei. Look them up if you need a laugh.
Every attempt that Phantasy Star Generation: 2 makes at improving upon the original is a total miss. I can carry enough star atomizers to choke a Dezolian Mammoth. They're practically required for the exponentially longer fights with Dark Force & Mother Brain. I can level my heroes up to 99. The experience needed to reach that cap is way past obscene. I have all these new features and mechanics available to me. All of them make the game less enjoyable. I stand by what I said last year. Phantasy Star II is best experienced with a romhack. Don't waste your time with this overproduced shithouse of a remake.
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