I remember renting this monstrosity eons ago. It was something of a last resort, since it was the only game in the rental store I hadn't already played, and I couldn't just go home empty-handed. Not to mention, I had the invincibility code from a magazine, so I could see the end no matter what. What followed was a weekend of "Well, it's still better than staring at a wall... I think.". The first few attempts - without cheating - went just as poorly as could be imagined. Yuko was always running off of ledges and into enemies. Her inability to dodge much of anything was also a constant issue, mitigated only slightly by restoratives being fairly common. An action-platformer this wonky should've had at least a few continues, but alas, there are none. It wasn't long before every play through afterwards was with the invincibility code enabled. At least I got to see the ending and my $2 worth. There must have been at least one person out there who paid full price for this mess. My heart weeps for them.
Much older yet not the slightest bit wiser, I'm revisiting Valis Syd to see if there's anything of merit. Well, to start with, at least an ounce of credit must be awarded for the various outfits that Yuko can obtain. They change her stats, offering the possibility of different playstyles. Even in bad games, acquiring new stuff is always nice. Of course, it's all rendered pointless once the best armor is acquired, but I'm trying to be kind. The closest to a second compliment I can muster is that it's rewarding to strategize, work around the jank, and discover exploits for cheesing all of Yuko's adversaries. The heroine acquires four different weapons for her sword, and they'll all see at least some usage.
HOWEVER, actually playing the damn game is still as lousy as ever. Running is just a bad idea in general. Instead, you'll have to stutter step. A little bit forwards, a tiny bit backwards, for as long as it takes until the credits roll. Jumping is essential for progress, but every leap saps an ounce from your soul. At least the developer was considerate enough to make it so that most pits aren't instant death. Shame they didn't try to make spike pits less annoying, but that's more an issue of Yuko's constant struggle to recover after taking damage. She's a large target, and every moment she gets hurt leads to dropped inputs, loss of rhythm, etc. Some of the best action-platformers of the era have knockback, so in a sense it's understandable, but this isn't even in the same dimension. When the mere act of running is a trial and a half, every instance of pain & suffering is amplified a hundred-fold.
On the plus side, every boss either has a very simple pattern, or a secret exploit that trivializes them. Upon meeting the very first mid-boss, Yuko can just blast him out of the sky without leaving the perch she's standing on. One of the bosses, whose most common attack is spikes that rain upon hapless adventurers, can be undone just by pressing against the right side of the screen. The 4th boss is ridiculous if you attempt to fight him on his terms. Instead, find a spot to sit that'll cause his AI to fall apart. Then you're free to plink away with homing bullets. In all honesty, it's almost a shame that there aren't more fights, since breaking them is Valis SD's only compelling aspect. There certainly isn't anything between the bosses that's worth remembering.
The entire experience is made even more unpleasant by the uncharacteristically poor music. When combined with the uneven visuals and poor cinematics, one has to wonder if this really deserves to be a part of the Valis series. I'm not trying to be rhetorical here. The presentation is one of the strongest qualities of these games. What's here just looks cheap.
If you're the kind of person that absolutely must play everything, no matter its quality, then you must be me and at this moment I'm writing to myself. Seriously though, this is an unserious adventure, probably best left to be swallowed up by the sands of time. Only give this a go if for whatever reason you don't appreciate the games you already have. Don't forget that there are (or were) poor shmucks like me who only had SD Valis to play.
Oh! I have good news for fans of rating systems. For this year and this year alone, I'm introducing a rating system of my own. There's a catch, however. Great, good, and even passable games won't receive a rating. Bad games will. More specifically, bad games will be awarded images of Yuko's horrified face, because she has just witnessed something truly abominable. Expect the worst games to see a lot of Yukos.
Without further ado.
Final Rating:
 |
| oh my god |
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