I've realized that aside from a litany of hidden gems, the 2000s is not a decade I can look back at with much fondness. Apologies if this comes off as an old man rant, but I like video games when they aren't trying to appeal to "cool people". I like weird people with strange ideas getting together to create something bizarre. Also, if X-Play was any indication, the only things considered cool were racism, sexism, and homophobia. The industry is shit even on its best day, but the 00s were a special kind of greasy. I don't need to talk about abhorrent trash like The Guy Game, or the milder yet immensely stupid BMX XXX. Even the "respectable" games were still guaranteed to have female characters in explicably tiny outfits with as much characterization as a brick in a t-back. Then again, I shouldn't be talking. Back when I played Everquest, I was a Troll in blinding orange armor named Gobblegak LuvsBeegHewters. Yep. I was a scumbag degenerate back in the day. The harsh irony is that X-Play was custom-made for my grimy self.
Naturally, faced with who I thought I wasn't brought on a severe case of self-loathing. I loved video games, but hated the media apparatus, hated the industry, hated the culture, hated myself. Games are art, not dartboards for failed comedians. There is so much beauty to their design that has gone unexpressed, because people never take enough time to engage with them. Something as simple as a little blue guy hopping around can bring immense joy. This was around the time I made the worst mistake of my life. Ignoring every sign telling me to run in the opposite direction, I chose to write about games. Yep. I'm that idiot who thought he could make a difference. Nowadays, games media is a cross between Fallout and the final act of that Ringed City DLC from Dark Souls 3, and I'm just another irradiated ghoul writhing in the dust.
Buried somewhere amongst all of the relics of yesteryear is an explanation as to why I embarked on this adventure of infinite failures. At least, that's what I tell myself when I throw away 8 or 9 perfectly good hours on a positively mediocre game like Champions of Norrath. This is an Everquest spin-off, which doesn't mean anything. Seriously, I spent a few months on the MMO yet all I can recall is being the owl-obsessed Troll who pulled and tanked. I've already covered the Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance games and moving on to the spiritual successor just seemed like the right call. Surely some enjoyment can be wrung out of a Hack & Slash Action RPG with level-ups and rare drops. It's one of my comfort genres... even though it's let me down time after time.
What does it mean to be positively mediocre? It's when a game has all its i's dotted and t's crossed, but regrettable is the best it'll ever be. Actually, I could've saved myself a few words and just said that Champions of Norrath is boring, but you know that's not how I operate. Point is, the boredom is not due to Snowblind Studios putting out a dysfunctional product. Really, what it comes down to is the planets aligning specifically to suck all of the fun out of the atmosphere, leaving me to choke.
This time around, we're following the misadventures of Jennique. She's an Erudite Wizard tasked with stopping the Orc's reign of terror, and whatever happens afterwards just happens. Once again, the story serves the sole purpose of giving a reason to kill everything that moves. The characters are a little less dry than usual, and I guess that's an Everquest thing? Whatever. It doesn't matter. What does matter is that choosing the Wizard was a fatal error. Wizards are not glass cannons. They're definitely glass, but whatever it takes to get the cannon remained out of my reach. The game also has the curious expectation that this glass... popgun is a frontline fighter, as it features many adversaries who specialize in getting in a hero or heroine's face and pounding it to mush.
To its credit, Champions of Norrath has exceptional blocking mechanics. Even a Wizard can protect themselves from direct attacks by holding R1. There are limitations, chief of which being that they must be facing the general direction of whatever is attacking them. Enemies will also seek out opportunities to get behind their target, so you can't sit still when there's a crowd, and you certainly run away (unless you want a back full of knives). This is where the back-step comes into play. It doesn't feel like much, but back-stepping is an essential tool to creating space and opening up opportunities to retreat. Mastering this ability adds a lot to the game, especially if you're all alone.
It's definitely worth mentioning that there's support for up to four players, and not just because it sounds like a cool feature. I believe that this was the intended way to play, because the game really doesn't have enough hooks to keep solo players engaged. By hooks, I'm referring to gear upgrades, rare drops, rising numbers, and all of the niceties that make even the worst Action RPGs tolerable. With four players, you're bound to see something nice happen to someone - even if it isn't yourself - every couple of minutes. When it's just you, then it could be ten, fifteen, maybe even thirty minutes before something happens that makes you say "Oh, that's nice."
To really grasp the pitiable life a wizard in Norrath leads, I have to dig into Jennique's terrible gear options. She can't use shields, even though they'd do a lot more to up her survivalability than a freaking stick. Staves in this game are just the worst. None of them do anything practical like increase spell-damage. Some bonk monsters harder than others, and they might offer a slight boost to intelligence or mana. Otherwise, there's no value to them. Intelligence isn't even that great a stat. It's required, but all it does is increase the maximum amount of mana, a resource that disappears entirely the instant Jennique dares to cast four frost bolts or two fireballs in semi-quick succession. The days of Adrianna's full-plate armor and Vhaidra's overwhelming awesomeness feel so far away.
As you might've noticed, the Potion Economy is back with a vengeance. It doesn't seem to matter how many points I throw into the "Increase Mana regeneration" skill, because that shit still takes forever and a month to regen. Monsters hitting like a bus full of Truck-kuns practically guarantees that any being of glass has to give up 3/4ths of their carrying weight to potions. I can't even be happy about this game having real Town Portals because they turned out to be a single band-aid for two broken legs. If there's a bright side, it's that there isn't anything worthwhile to buy except for potions.
Adding to the wizard's troubles is the frost bolt being everything except consistent. Something I learned while spending hours in cramped tunnels trying to blast giant ants is that elevation has a significant effect on whether something actually connects. Basically, Jennique could be standing on a pebble, and that would be enough for her frost bolt to fly over the head of her intended target. This is... astonishingly annoying. Champions of Norrath is a game where changes in elevation are a constant. One area is a desert, with all the sand dunes that come with. I have to make triply sure that I'm standing in the right spot for spells to connect.
It's completely valid for me to question why I'm spending hours in ant tunnels like some bad Earth Defense Force knock-off. This game has multiple areas where there is only one or two types of monsters to contend with. Usually this is where cool upgrades or even the vaguest sense of progression would break up the monotony. At least Dark Alliance 2 had that going for it. Instead, the act of collecting experience is relentlessly grueling. Updates to gear are nominal at best. Any legendary rares are tempered by either being much weaker than what Jennique is currently wearing or inexplicably requiring a much higher level than she can achieve in a reasonable timeframe.
This all leads back to why I believe Champions of Norrath was intended for four players. The lulls in excitement would be filled by the chattering of players, presumably talking about whatever is going on in their lives. When it's just me trying and failing to find amusement in a nothing grind, there's nothing but silence and time to think. I don't want time to think. My diseased mind needs activity, or at least the constant poking and massaging that has dominated the mobile gaming sphere for the past decade. Well, maybe that's not the right solution, but it's the easy one. Placate me and my miserable existence with shiny objects and tiny outfits. Neither I nor video games have changed since the 2000s.
Ultimately, I hate this game because it's a mirror. I can stare at it for ten minutes, ten hours, or 20 years and see the exact same thing. It's repetitive and futile. Perhaps being the wizard was the wrong choice, but I'm not about to relive the dreadful times spent in ant tunnels just to see if the right choice would've made a difference. Funnily enough, I attempted a playthrough way back when the game originally launched, but I couldn't force myself to finish it then either. I thought a more enlightened viewpoint would've helped, but how much enlightenment can anyone expect from a pretentious scumbag degenerate?
No comments:
Post a Comment