2026 Special - The Pirates of Dark Water

Since the TV series was all but guaranteed to end prematurely, two The Pirates of Dark Water games were released on the Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo. Essentially, this side-scrolling platformer is the second part of a series-finale. Ren, Tula, and Ioz must locate the remaining six Treasures of Rule to end the Dark Dweller's reign over Mer. I say remaining six, because the SNES beatemup had its players hunting seven treasures, and there are thirteen in all. It's kind-of neat to see a show I remember enjoying get some closure. 

The Genesis game is just OK. Early on, I was tempted to go so far as to call it a perfect rental, but the more I played, the lower that rating fell. Let's be real here, "a perfect rental" is already a backhanded compliment. A game only good enough to last a weekend isn't exactly aspirational. If you're at least half as boring as I am, you could argue that a perfect rental deserves to be revisited, for at least one more weekend. That's a fair point to make. However, the point I'm already fumbling is that this rental gets a rating of "Well, at least I don't have to play Sonic The Hedgehog 1 for the millionth time." If you have to ask what a rental is, then I can only wonder how you found this blog in the first place. 

While still far shorter than the typical RPG, The Pirates of Dark Water for your blast-processing console clocks in at a meaty two or so hours. The hostile lands of Mer are divided into several stages, which are broken up further into multiple areas, all of which containing the hallmarks of the 16-bit era. You've got moving platforms, respawning enemies, items inside of breakable objects, false walls that hide 1ups, and the vaguely open-ended level-design that was in every platformer from Aero the Acrobat to Zool: Ninja of the Nth Dimension. There are some hack & slash elements as well, no doubt familiar to anyone who has played Cadash, Blades of Vengeance, Chakan: The Forever Man, and so on and etcetera. Look, it was the 1990s, and everybody was cribbing each other.

The map screen gives the vague impression that this is a "choose your destination" affair, but 90% of the time it's already been decided. Still, it provides appreciable context to the hostile lands you'll be exploring. Niddler gives an explanation of what you are to do in each location, but mostly it comes down to moving from one end of the stage to the next. Just keep in mind whenever words like keys or coins are mentioned. Keys are self-explanatory while coins are often required to get past some NPCs. The game is generally good about placing these essential items on the main path or in side-areas that are easy to locate. Each stage is also reasonable in size and scope. Most shouldn't take more than 10 minutes to complete and feature little in terms of backtracking or excessive puzzle-solving. 

Early on, this game shows a remarkable level of restraint, especially considering the rental market at the time. Fall damage is very real, but considerably less punishing than one would expect. If your chosen hero should miss a jump and fall for some time, they'll hit the ground with a sickening thud... only to respawn next to where they missed their last jump. It's seriously a wonderful feature in areas that are heavily vertical, since it means less time spent retracing steps and retrying jumps. These falls cost health, but it's hardly enough to matter. Same goes for bottom-less pits. Falling into the eternal abyss costs almost as much health as getting poked with a sword. Oh, and don't fret too much about death. Provided there are extras in stock, you'll be placed at or next to where you lost your previous life.

Since the 2026 Special is focused on the women of side-scrolling games, let's take a glance at Tula's abilities. She's an Ecomancer, which basically just means "fires a projectile spell". Ren throws daggers and Ioz has a bow, so it's just three flavors that all taste like vanilla. What makes this lady special is her somersault. Hitting the jump button a second time while in the air does a flip that moves quickly and can knock out midair enemies. It's a neat bit of movement tech, entirely optional but fun to experiment with. Don't bother using it during platforming sections though. Jumping across gaps is already a little troublesome, and trying to incorporate the somersault will result in overshooting the intended landing point.

Since I'm on the subject, I must emphasize that getting across pits and the like is more finicky than I expected. The game doesn't expect players to complete a long series of difficult jumps, but it also doesn't seem to care if something goes wrong with what should be a simple A to B leap. On average, you'll land 85% of the jumps you make. This might not be too bad early on, but that's because the penalty for a miss is a few shavings of health. Platforming becomes a serious nuisance when there's a 15% chance of instant death. 

The Pirates of Dark Water approaches difficulty in a way that I absolutely dislike. One would assume the difference between the early-game and the late-game is that the latter would feature level-design that's very complex, with more obstacles to avoid and tougher adversaries to battle. This game doesn't really adhere to such a standard. Instead, what seems to be the case is that the heroic trio gets weaker. I don't want to take away from the importance of the Dark Water, as it's the only real case of instant death in the game, and makes frequent appearances in the second half. However, I also can't ignore how enemies in the later stages do comically large amounts of damage, often enough to kill in three or four hits. It doesn't feel like enough has changed to warrant such a "dramatic" increase in difficulty. 

Yeah, even if pirates and monsters do far more damage, the game really isn't that much harder. Thorough players have likely built up a massive stack of consumables and extra lives that they never had a reason to use. Bosses are also among the weakest I've seen in the genre. Once you figure out their weird hitboxes, all you're left with are four guys who run (or jump) from one side of the screen to the other. The Dark Dweller itself is a gimmick that takes a couple of moments to figure out and is only stretched out by the copious projectile vomit and moving platforms.

I suppose my biggest complaint with this entry in The Pirates of Dark Water saga is just how repetitive it gets. Occasionally, there will be a stage that does something interesting or has a cool visual effect, but nothing significant ever seems to occur. The difference between stages mostly comes down to damage output. It's the sort of banality that crops up so often in modern games, particularly open-worlds that depend on level-scaling to retain a sense of challenge. My second biggest complaint is the music. Absolute shame when a game that looks pretty nice is accompanied by a largely mediocre soundtrack. Sonic The Hedgehog 1 is still an enjoyable listen after a million playthroughs. This? Not so much. 

One other thing, having a ton in common with every other 16-bit game but not doing nearly enough to stand out is pretty rough. I know it was the style at the time, but damn. 

"Oh my god."